DH injured but DH stays silent

[jenbendy]

My DH is quiet and passive. It's his way. Would do anything to avoid confrontation.

We went out for a meal for Father's Day. Two adults and three teenagers. One of my meal sides comes in a pan. It was placed in front of me, handle facing me, no warning. I went to turn it around and the handle was red hot and badly burnt my hand. I rushed to the toilet to run it under cold water then told staff, who brought me ice. My DH sat silent throughout with his head down. We half heartedly finished the meal, me with a throbbing hand.

DH waited for me to get the bill and pay. I said to the staff more firmly that I'm not happy about the service or my hand. They said sorry. I paid and we left.

Now home and DH acts like nothing has happened. I wish I'd been more assertive at the restaurant and asked for a refund but my hand was hurting. I also didn't feel backed up.

Why didn't he take charge? Or is that asking too much?

Feeling like a fool. If it was the other way round I would've taken care of it.

If that happened to my DW when we were out, then I would definitely speak up for her, I wouldn't need to be prompted. This fad for serving food on anything which comes to hand - wood, tiles, pans with steel handles - comes at a price - normally a high price for the consumer.

Recognition that you go to a restaurant for an enjoyable meal out, and that having your hand burnt kind of ruins that?
It was self inflicted... 🤷🏻‍♀️ Op grabbed a fecking pan handle, she didn't have hot soup tipped into her lap.

If that happened to my DW when we were out, then I would definitely speak up for her
But what would you actually say? What would you have wanted the staff to do?

If that happened to my DW when we were out, then I would definitely speak up for her, I wouldn't need to be prompted

But your wife is aware of who you are and knows what your personality is. What's likely behaviour for you and what's not. And you know your wife is fine with that.

Op knows the same about her husband, so while I dont think it's her fault and he could have checked she was OK, she knows he finds social situation and confrontation very difficult. So, I don't agree she can be angry, when he has behaved exactly how he has always behaved.

Fwiw, I wouldn't want my dp speaking yo for me. I would speak up for myself.

I think part of ops anger is at herself. She says she feels she should have been more assertive herself. Maybe the problem is, neither are particularly assertive. She wanted a certain outcome and didn't get I.

But that's not her husbands fault.

@Junipersky

This reminds me of the time when I slipped on a muddy car park at a children's farm. I was 7 months pregnant. Thankfully baby was fine but I really hurt my elbow. My (now ex) partner just walked off as I'd apparently embarrassed him by falling in public.

This is horrible what a cunt.

Your piss off at burning yourself and taking it out on DH.
2021 men aren't expected to throw coats over puddles and arrive on white chargers anymore.
Speak up for yourself it all sounds very dramatic you touched a pan .

Definitely two issues, he didn't need to fight your corner with restaurant staff you are capable of that and burnt fingers don't prevent that. If my husband spoke for me anywhere the issue wouldn't be my burnt fingers.
He absolutely should've shown you concern though, I would've also expected him to check in at home, see if it was better/worse/you needed anything.

FWIW when I was young I worked as a waitress in a restaurant selling fajitas on those skillet things, still have a couple of scars, they are bloody hot.

@Whoarethewho

I'm not sure I hate it when someone backs someone up solely because they are related or partners. I would be a bit embarrassed that a cooked meal that came out in a pan and my partner might not only not realize it could be hot and gotten burnt but then blamed somebody else for it. It's like those McDonald's coffees that have caution contents may be hot. Really I would be embarrassed if someone was surprised by that.

The McDonalds coffees have that caution because previously they served a 79 year old woman her coffee at 190 degrees farenheit , she got 1st degree burns all over her legs and genitals, required extensive surgery and nearly died. They had already had at least 700 complaints of people burning themselves because they served coffee too hot before that and admitted it was a hazard they were fully aware of.

Sometime it's not just people being stupid or looking for an easy buck!

I agree that you can't blame people for acting in accordance with their personalities. You know your husband is quiet and doesn't like to make a fuss, and he acted in that way today. I can understand why this upset you, I would be wondering if it's a case that he was quiet because he thought you were handling it, but if you hadn't handled it (e.g. if you'd just started crying) he might have stepped up, or if he would be that quiet and meek no matter what happened, e.g. if someone threatened you or your children would he step up or would he still be sitting with his head down going "Oh dear...."

Regardless I would expect more sympathy and kindness from him and your kids once you got home and I think it's reasonable for you to mention that.

Crikey. Even my ex, who hates me, would have shown more concern than that. Although I get not wanting to "cause a scene". I'm someone that would have made a fuss if someone at my table was injured but I know some people would rather not draw attention to themselves. But checking if you're ok and getting you some first aid, if necessary, is basic human behaviour.

@KeepingTrack

But *@SlipperyDippery*, the OP didn't have a choice because the handle was towards her?

Of course she had a choice. She could have checked and asked the staff member to turn it round for her, or done whatever it was she would have done if she had been told it was hot

The handle was stupidly turned towards the OP and she without thinking reached to move it out of her way.

This is not her fault.

This a the mistake of her server.

Her hand is going to stiff and very sore tomorrow and wuite likely will leave her incapacitated for a bit.

Be very careful of infection OP.
I really think you should have it looked at.

God, there’s some arses on this thread.

Ice is fine, if it is wrapped in something like a tea towel, so it doesn't cause an ice burn.

I'm sure OP won't return but if she does, she needs to please dress the hand with a sterile dressing, not tightly but covered to prevent infection if the blisters burst.

"It's in a pan? Surely common sense is telling you it's going to be hot. You wouldn't put your hand on a skillet."

Well, no if I use a pan, the handle isn't hot because I have to touch the handle!

Take charge? Not sure what that means. Dunno.

Not react in any way at all that you were hurt?

I mean presumably you helped or said own or something.

I don't really understand.. If I burnt my hand I would go ow. DH and kids would say what happened.

If I got up and rushed to toilet DH would ask if ok when I got back.

If I was nursing an obviously blistered hand DH and the kids would say oh that looks nasty. Are you ok. Etc.

No one said anything? At all? I can't imagine that. That's awful TBH.

And being shy doesn't explain why he didn't ask if you were ok etc after you left.

It's a bizarre response from all of them. TBH.

And you didn't say to your family I've really hurt my hand? Or anything? You just sat there with a burn and no one mentioned it?

@TurtleBay28

It's in a pan? Surely common sense is telling you it's going to be hot. You wouldn't put your hand on a skillet.

No wonder your DH kept quiet.

But it's a pan, not a skillet. I regularly take hold of pan handles every day with my bare hands.

Threads like this always go a really weird way.

Loads of posters ignoring the point of the post, DH not saying are you ok even once.

And instead focusing on what the OP did 'wrong'.

It's very strange and very common.

Anyone got any ideas why?

Is it because when things happen in general society starts looking at what the woman did 'wrong' rather than anything else?

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@Goatinthegarden your family would tease you over a burn, that following NHS guidelines, you should be seeking medical advice for - wow![/quote]
Oh wow indeed.

Yes, my family would tease me because they know I don’t like sympathy and fussing. I’m quite resilient to injuries and a hand burn that (OP stated) didn’t need A&E treatment would be fair game for a bit of teasing between DH and I.

I’m from a family that gets through serious situations with a bit of humour. DH loves it. He comes from a family where every minor illness was treated like he was on death’s door and he found it suffocating. Everyone has different needs and responses to injuries and illness.

I commented that I would make a fuss of friends that I know would like sympathy for an injury. I also commented that OP’s husband should know Op well enough to respond to her needs. Therefore if she needed support and sympathy, that’s what he should have given.

@NiceGerbil

Threads like this always go a really weird way.

Loads of posters ignoring the point of the post, DH not saying are you ok even once.

And instead focusing on what the OP did 'wrong'.

It's very strange and very common.

Anyone got any ideas why?

Is it because when things happen in general society starts looking at what the woman did 'wrong' rather than anything else?

Becayse she specifically asks why he didn’t take charge. Not why didn’t he ask if I was ok. People are simoly answering the question.

I totally get your frustration here OP (sod the posters who are being contrary!).

Yes, we all KNOW the OP is perfectly capable of dealing with this herself, but she was hurt and her husband should at the very least have shown some compassion. He didn't! He sat by passively staring at the floor like a gormless twat! Who does that? None of you would...if you'd been out with a friend or family member who had got burnt, you would have shown concern at the very least...not stared at the floor!

Your husband is pathetic OP. I couldn't live with a pathetic person, I just couldn't 🤷‍♀️

Is this symbolic of something deeper, OP?

I think I get where you're coming from. My husband can be a bit like this. He's a good, good man, but has a tendency to recurring mild depression, and is naturally not very outgoing. This can make him seem apathetic. As time goes on, I've had to become the strong, decisive one- I was like that before meeting DH, but now I'm in the role for life. Most of the time I don't mind, because I'm perfectly capable - but sometimes these reminders happen, and there's nobody to take the emotional reins, so to speak.

@NiceGerbil

Threads like this always go a really weird way.

Loads of posters ignoring the point of the post, DH not saying are you ok even once.

And instead focusing on what the OP did 'wrong'.

It's very strange and very common.

Anyone got any ideas why?

Is it because when things happen in general society starts looking at what the woman did 'wrong' rather than anything else?

You're right. They always go some bizarre way so that people can criticise the OP.

It's totally reasonable to be upset if you burnt yourself and your husband completely and deliberately ignored it. Not so much as an 'are you ok?'. He went out of his way to avoid even acknowledging it.

And that's an absolute bare minimum requirement you'd expect from any human in a social situation. If you saw a stranger at the next table burn themselves on a hot pan, you'd probably offer a sympathetic look at least. But when someone's husband - who is supposed to care about his wife - can't even manage that, somehow she's needy and hard work for being annoyed.

Why the competitive martyrdom and smugness about how little people need or want from their husbands?

I'm sure there's misogyny at the root of it @NiceGerbil. Needy, hysterical women expecting anyone to even acknowledge they hurt themselves. She should have been more careful so as not to put her husband in the awkward position of troubling himself by giving a shit about her welfare. 🙄

Imagining this post from an outsiders perspective on AIBU.

A whole dinner party kicking off with the servers at a restaurant AIBU?

Back story of how they're dining out for fathers day and there's a party across from them.

The lady burnt herself, next thing her husband is kicking off with the servers making demands. The lady is also kicking off. Its all one big scene and ruined the mood.

We would all be saying that husband was a douche for joining in and making a scene. Probably a few scattered comments of how, doesn't he think the wife can defend herself, and why has he got act like a hero and the wife's a damsel in distress.

The only thing I would expect from my husband, is are you OK? I would be embarrassed if my DH jumped in trying to play superman.