DH injured but DH stays silent

[jenbendy]

My DH is quiet and passive. It's his way. Would do anything to avoid confrontation.

We went out for a meal for Father's Day. Two adults and three teenagers. One of my meal sides comes in a pan. It was placed in front of me, handle facing me, no warning. I went to turn it around and the handle was red hot and badly burnt my hand. I rushed to the toilet to run it under cold water then told staff, who brought me ice. My DH sat silent throughout with his head down. We half heartedly finished the meal, me with a throbbing hand.

DH waited for me to get the bill and pay. I said to the staff more firmly that I'm not happy about the service or my hand. They said sorry. I paid and we left.

Now home and DH acts like nothing has happened. I wish I'd been more assertive at the restaurant and asked for a refund but my hand was hurting. I also didn't feel backed up.

Why didn't he take charge? Or is that asking too much?

Feeling like a fool. If it was the other way round I would've taken care of it.

He showed no concern for you and no empathy at all? Is he always like this? I would have found that very hurtful, no response from him at all.

You got the bill. You paid the bill. Why did you do those things?
What does this say about the role you have in the family...

Are you the Dh @Doghead?

Also I'm not saying I would be happy with a DH like that, but that's why I didn't marry a DH like that.

If the burn isn't bad enough to get checked out then is it bad enough to expect the whole family to fall over themselves about it?

Can you post a picture of your hand as it's difficult to gauge the severity of what actually happened

Please don’t put germolene or other cream on a burn, someone else posted a link from nhs website. Hope it’s less painful tomorrow otherwise contact your GP

I think only women who have had partners like this will understand. I get it. When my ex reversed our car into a builders van and the builder came out looking understandably pissed off ex's reaction was to go "please don't hurt me, she was giving directions" and point to me! Which was a lie!

We encountered a drunk belligerent man on the beach another time. I was soothing my newborn, talking in baby talk, and this man started copying me in a nasty way. Ex turned around and I could practically see his balls disappearing into his abdominal cavity, he looked so frightened. Over nothing really.

You don't need your partner to try and fight the world for you, but they should be able to reasonably verbally back you up in the situation you described.

Sorry that he didn’t support you OP. Maybe a chat with him to ask why when you are feeling better. You said he sat with his head down all through the meal - why? Do you think this was to avoid any action or is he always like that. A family meal for Father’s Day - didn’t he engage at all?

As for the restaurant - as a few have said above they should have a first aider and first aid kit available. And they should have asked for details for the accident book.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/burns-and-scalds/recovery/

Christ, I'd be concerned about anyone I was out with who had injured themselves, particularly my dp. Sure you could deal with it yourself, but it doesn't sound like much of a caring relationship. Utterly bizarre some of the responses here.

The thing is, OP, that you are married to a man who doesn't have your back and doesn't have any empathy, either. I'm not saying LTB now, but I'd warn you against staying with him when you're older, as he won't help you or empathise with you if you have medical problems, but I bet anything he'd want that from you if he was in the same boat.

So I think I'd stay for now but get all my ducks in order and when the last child leaves home, I'd be off, too.

Did you say to him can you back me up here? I am quite awkward when stuff happens and can't always gauge the 'right' thing to do, it probably comes across as rude or uncaring but people who know me well know to just say. If they're annoyed by that then I wish I could change but I can't.

I'd have been pissed off if my DH showed no concern but would not want a massive fuss made with refunds etc.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/burns-and-scalds/

NHS advice is that blisters on hands should be seen - nowadays they can use dressings on burns in sensitive areas to allow them to heal cleanly with minimal scarring. If you have a minor injuries I'd consider a trip but it's up to you if you think it's worth it or not.

For future reference for burns - 20 mins cooling (tepid water is fine), no ice, clingfilm will keep the burn clean and can reduce pain.

I would take a photo of your hand and email a complaint to the restaurant.

You don't need your partner to try and fight the world for you, but they should be able to reasonably verbally back you up in the situation you described.

But not everyone is capable of doing that.

It sounds suspiciously like you are saying men always have to be comfortable with confrontation to be deemed decent.

Some people, men and women are terrible with this sort of thing. They can't handle it. You can't be with someone like that and then just expect they will change and do things differently because you want them to.

Why is if mumsnetters are so quick to make people feel like they shouldn’t bother posting…. Oh your an adult handle it yourself, oh if it’s really bad you shouldn’t put ice on it, OP has come on here to rant let her rant Jeeeez!!

Ive burnt myself on those plates before, after they have said it’s hot and burns are so painful, I would have expected them to put a bit of an apology discount on seen as though it was bad enough for them to bring the ice over, probably not much your husband could do but it is nice to feel like he’s tried to do something so I get where your coming from

@jenbendy do you have to do everything? Would you have to be the one to deal with builders if you needed something doing on your house, check-in at an airport, raising your hand to call a waiter, order in a pub, take the car to the garage, book doctor appointments etc?
Do you do all of the things that require an assertive interaction with another person? That would drive me insane. His passivity is annoying me now just from reading the thread.

Would do anything to avoid confrontation.

Helping you, getting the ice, checking you were okay are not 'confrontation'. No one has suggested he fly into a rage swinging his club around like a neanderthal.

Hes either an absolute melt or doesn't give a shit about you. Which is it?

Your DH was probably embarrassed by your huge overreaction to a fairly minor incident. You burnt your hand, you didn't lose the bloody thing.

Yes, the waitress should have pointed out it was hot but at the same time, isn't it fairly obvious that a pan straight out of the oven would be scorching hot?

@Trevsadick he didn't even bother to ask how she was, you have to be pretty awful person not to even bother doing that

Good grief! They're out in full force today

If your burn has caused blisters you should seek medical attention.

Sorry you had an unpleasant experience which was not your fault, but which some people for some reason have decided to try to make you feel like it was. That's mumsnet lately.

I’m baffled by this thread. The DH should have shown more concern. And the restaurant should have been falling over itself to help.

It sounds suspiciously like you are saying men always have to be comfortable with confrontation to be deemed decent.

What confrontation?! The restaurant staff were not about to fight them...

@BessMarvin

Sorry you had an unpleasant experience which was not your fault, but which some people for some reason have decided to try to make you feel like it was. That's mumsnet lately.

I don't think anyone is blaming OP for anything. But equally it wasn't her DH's fault either. OP is saying it's agony and quite bad but not bad enough to get checked out even with a blister so it's difficult to tell what the actual situation is.