DH injured but DH stays silent

[jenbendy]

My DH is quiet and passive. It's his way. Would do anything to avoid confrontation.

We went out for a meal for Father's Day. Two adults and three teenagers. One of my meal sides comes in a pan. It was placed in front of me, handle facing me, no warning. I went to turn it around and the handle was red hot and badly burnt my hand. I rushed to the toilet to run it under cold water then told staff, who brought me ice. My DH sat silent throughout with his head down. We half heartedly finished the meal, me with a throbbing hand.

DH waited for me to get the bill and pay. I said to the staff more firmly that I'm not happy about the service or my hand. They said sorry. I paid and we left.

Now home and DH acts like nothing has happened. I wish I'd been more assertive at the restaurant and asked for a refund but my hand was hurting. I also didn't feel backed up.

Why didn't he take charge? Or is that asking too much?

Feeling like a fool. If it was the other way round I would've taken care of it.

Can you confirm that your DH or your teens have not expressed any concern, either at the restaurant or at home?

DH could have spoken to the restaurant whilst you were putting water on your hand.

They should have warned you that the pan was too hot to touch

DH is an arsehole.

Id that had been me, I would have insisted on the spot that the staff make a formal record in the Accident book they are required by law to have. Identifying the member of staff who brough the hot pan; AND the senior manager on duty that day. I would also have asked for their on-duty trained First Aider to bring the First Aid Kit ( two further legal requirements) .

Photograph your hand right away; if it's blistered attend A and E so the injury is formally recorded.

Then contact your household insurers and the managers of the restaurant.

@TinaYouFatLard

You are an adult and clearly capable of dealing with this yourself.

Yes of course.

One of the big pluses of being In a relationship is to be able to look after yourself wo ever having your SO stepping to take care of you.

Oh sorry. No that’s being single isn’t it?

@jenbendy

It's not bad enough for a&e and I wouldn't bother them.

Germolene has numbed most of it.

I'm feeling sorry for myself, I know I am. It would just be nice to have someone else step in for once. Not to be. I'll survive.

Time for a cup of tea.

It absolutely warrants a trip to A&E so that it can be properly treated and dressed. It will feel much better afterwards to.

@BooomShakeTheRoom

A refund wouldn't have been appropriate, unless the food wasnt to correct standard and you couldn't eat it.

Restaurants can't survive if everyone who doesn't like it wants a refund. Just don't go back.

The problem wasn't that she didn't like the food.

I think it's crazy to serve food with a handle that hot that you are blistered.
They definitely should have at least warned you.
Your husband sounds weird sitting with his head down and not mentioning it when you got home. Did he not even ask if you were OK?

I think asking them to refund the meal would be taking the piss a bit though because you sat and ate it and I assume there was nothing wrong with the food.

He sounds like a total drip.

The idea of a partner who would be too passive to advocate for me say, during labour, or to stand up for me in confrontational situations, is highly unattractive.

Incidentally, what was he like when you had your kids?

He just doesn't give a shit about anyone other than himself and you'd be better off finding someone else
it's this isnt it, he's not suffering so he's not bothered!

I’d actually rather deal with things like this myself. I agree it’s embarrassing that other women are proud their husband would be making a scene & getting a free meal. I can look after myself thanks.

DH sounds quite useless. He should have shown some concern about whether you were okay. Him sitting with his head down sounds like he’s embarrassed by you, which isn’t a great sign.

I don’t think any kind of refund is appropriate, as you all still ate the food. A free drink or dessert for you might have been a nice touch, but that’s the restaurants to offer.

Waitress should have warned you it was hot. How did she carry it over and place it down?
Did she have a tea towel/oven glove? Did you not notice how she was carrying it?

@jenbendy, yep I would have been gutted too.

Gutted he hadn’t ask how I was/if I needed anything
Gutted he didn’t handle the restaurant/told them what was going on
Gutted football took precedence and I was left finding the right thing to put on, prepare cup of tea wo any acknowledgement that I. Was hurt.
Because if it has blistered like, you REALLY burnt yourself. It wasn’t just an Ouch to forget about..

Are you always that alone in your relationship?.

If I’d burned my hand at the table, I would want as little fuss made as possible, I’d run it under water in the toilets and carry on with the meal (assuming I didn’t need urgent medical attention). I’d be mortified if DH got the staff involved. I’d expect my family would tease me about it and I’d join in.

I have a friend who would definitely make a big drama out of it and would be upset if we didn’t all make a fuss. I’d preempt this and make appropriate sympathetic noises for a bit because I know that’s what she would appreciate.

I would expect, by now, your husband would have some idea of what your expectations would be in such circumstances and, if he cared, react accordingly. Have you told him you’re upset?

Your DH should have been more concerned about your hand.
Restaurant should have warned you it was hot.
However, it would be reasonable to expect anything served in a pan to be hot.
I would have dealt with it myself, not have expected DH to .

Hope your hand is ok

@FrownedUpon

I’d actually rather deal with things like this myself. I agree it’s embarrassing that other women are proud their husband would be making a scene & getting a free meal. I can look after myself thanks.

it isn't that he didn't make a scene, it's that his partner was injured and he didn't acknowledge her pain, didn't show any concern, behaved as if she doesn't matter

@NannyAndJohn

This man's a liability.

Imagine if the two of you got into serious trouble and he just stood there slouched over with his head down.

I see two possibilities:

1. He's a coward and needs some counselling.
2. He just doesn't give a shit about anyone other than himself and you'd be better off finding someone else.

With the Olympics only a month away I reckon a leap like that could see you medal in the long jump.

You don't need to make a big drama to be supportive. You can ask to have a chat with the manager somewhere away from the table (socially distancing) and insist proper accident recording is made, for example.

I get that "we are who we are," and your DH being non-confrontational, expecting him to speak up at the restaurant may be unreasonable. Some people are like that. HOWEVER...I certainly would have expected him to be concerned and solicitous at home!

@FrownedUpon

I’d actually rather deal with things like this myself. I agree it’s embarrassing that other women are proud their husband would be making a scene & getting a free meal. I can look after myself thanks.

Well I’m usually well able to look after myself. However if I’m really in pain, which the OP must have been with all the blisters, I would have appreciated the. backing. Just because it’s. much harder to think right when you are in pain.

Nothing to do with being proud to see my DH making a scene

@Goatinthegarden your family would tease you over a burn, that following NHS guidelines, you should be seeking medical advice for - wow!

I would expect my DH to back me up. I think the restaurant and staff were at fault here. They should have recorded it the incident book and offered you a free meal/discount at the very least.

@2bazookas

DH is an arsehole.

Id that had been me, I would have insisted on the spot that the staff make a formal record in the Accident book they are required by law to have. Identifying the member of staff who brough the hot pan; AND the senior manager on duty that day. I would also have asked for their on-duty trained First Aider to bring the First Aid Kit ( two further legal requirements) .

Photograph your hand right away; if it's blistered attend A and E so the injury is formally recorded.

Then contact your household insurers and the managers of the restaurant.

Yeah, this isn't over the top or anything.

WTF would you be contacting your insurers?

@ineedaholidaynow

Can you confirm that your DH or your teens have not expressed any concern, either at the restaurant or at home?

DH could have spoken to the restaurant whilst you were putting water on your hand.

They should have warned you that the pan was too hot to touch

DH mumbled a 'oh dear' but clearly didn't want to get involved as it was semi serious. He has lots of form for ducking out.

Teenagers asked and were looking at my hand with concern and curiosity, as teens do. The eldest was quite upset about it at the moment but unsure what to do as who wants to see their mum in pain and has asked how I am at home. Younger ones off doing there own thing.

@BooomShakeTheRoom

What did you want from him?

I personally find it cringy that some people's husband's would have been having staff over apologising while you're in the toilet. They don't need to apologise to him, he wasn't hurt. You aren't the same people just because you're married.

Also, and I'm not trying to be contrary, but you should have expected it to be hot. It's a pan. Fair play if it was a plate but it's served in a pan for a reason, it indicates it's straight from the oven.

You touched a pan and got burned. They apologised. End of. Why make a mountain out of it? Next time, touch a pan quickly to see if it's hot before grasping it.

I wouldn't be attracted to a wholly passive person, but equally I don't expect my partner to be fighting unnecessary battles for me. My partner would have checked if I was alright but he wouldn't have called staff over, after all, they didn't really do anything wrong.

Agree with all this. I'd be horrified if I got back from the loo and my husband was surrounded by forelock-tugging staff and being 'masterful' 🙄

Also didn't want the teenagers getting upset or feeling responsible for me IYSWIM.

I’d rather my husband sat quiet than made a scene arguing in a restaurant in front of other families on Father’s Day. I hope you hand gets better though