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Original poster

Wedding anniversary and I'm in tears

248 replies

lala90 · 20/06/2021 12:00

Been married 7 years today, I went to a friends birthday last night and stayed over but was back by 9am and had left a card for him.

I've walked into the house, his friends are all asleep on the sofa/floor house is a tip, he's in bed stinking of alcohol and hasn't got me a card.

I'm sat in my garden in tears whilst they all eat bacon sandwiches, nursing their hangovers.

I didn't expect anything other than a card and I feel really shit, I work my arse off, take care of the house, do all his admin for his business on top of a full time job, his laundry, and I don't even get a card on our anniversary?

I feel like getting in the car and fucking off for the day, am I over reacting here?!

OP posts:
Original poster
lala90 · 20/06/2021 19:33

To everyone that thinks that grown adult men leaving a house like a 17 year olds house party is okay, I really hope you don't show such disrespect when around others.

Thank you for all your nice messages x

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 20/06/2021 19:39

Why are your standards so low? I'm 7 years married in August this year and my dh wouldn't dream of disrespecting me in this way and I wouldn't let him get away with it.

I really find the 'some people aren't into cards brigade' annoying, if your partner is you make the effort. Its only one day a year! If your relationship was otherwise great I would say mistakes happen and to let it go. However you seem to be investing more into this relationship than he is, only you know if you are OK with this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/06/2021 19:44

Hold strong. Tomorrow, have a proper conversation with him and tell him you’re no longer doing his work admin, if it’s important he’ll do it or pay someone, and you’ll only do all the washing if he does something of equivalent value to you, like the hoovering. Which you shouldn’t be doing anyway if it aggravates your pain!

Write him a letter if you’re not sure you’ll keep on track or he’s unlikely to listen and get it all out. Try “when you x it makes me feel y” instead of “you always x”.

You are worth more and between you things have got to a crappy place. You need to talk, you need to listen, hopefully he’ll stop being such a selfish dick head and realise what’s at stake without you explicitly making threats.

And remember how this has all made you feel. It’s easy to get enraged and have a row then let things slide back in an established and unhealthy dynamic.

If you refuses to engage or accept responsibility for his part in where you’ve got to then you’ve got some decisions to make. But tonight enjoy your own company, tomorrow raise hell until he tidies up and then have a proper state of the nation conversation about what needs to change.

Furries · 20/06/2021 19:45

@khakiandcoral

Oh, I got it! It's fathers day!

Must be plenty of VERY resentful divorded posters on here, especially if their kids are having a blast with their dad today.

I was wondering why so much hatred today.

This is a particularly shitty comment. There seems to be a rise in the level of nastiness on here very recently.

There have been a few threads recently involving men who get completely intoxicated, with a raft of posters defending their actions and slamming the reactions of those putting up with it.

But to turn things around on divorced parents being bitter and hateful - that’s a whole new level of MN lows IMO.

secondspringing · 20/06/2021 19:47

Bloody hell, if there are people on this thread (not read it all) who are saying its ok for men to leave someone else's house in this state, I seriously hope none of you have sons so that you don't teach them such entitlement.

shivawn · 20/06/2021 19:50

Your reaction seems extreme to me.

We wouldn't bother with cards in my relationship but we both plan something nice together to celebrate like a weekend away or a fancy meal.

SaltySkulls · 20/06/2021 20:00

I have no idea how so many women would be happy to find their homes in a state like this.
We aren't talking about a tonne of teens partying, it sounds like it was a handful of men in their 30s. There should be no mess nor should they get so shitfaced they can't function the next day. Massively off-putting behaviour.

And the card, there's just no excuse. My husbands fathers day card has been in the house for nearly a month. It's really not difficult to sort it out in time.

toothpicklover · 20/06/2021 20:03

I would have made my husband get up and clean the piss from the seat.

I would not be clearing this mess up at all.

Also why are you doing so much and he appears to be doing feck all when you work full-time?? Stop doing it all.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/06/2021 20:03

@secondspringing

Bloody hell, if there are people on this thread (not read it all) who are saying its ok for men to leave someone else's house in this state, I seriously hope none of you have sons so that you don't teach them such entitlement.
Except that most of us didn't say it's ok "for men". We said shot happens, party can get out of hand, as long as they will clean it, it's not the end of the world.

I don't know how people make it into "you all say man can".

Obviously they did not clean it and OP now has absolute right to be pissed off.

Furries · 20/06/2021 20:11

I can’t quite believe the reactions on a few threads over the last few days. All involving intoxicated grown men - and loads of posters minimising and defending their actions.

There is a HUGE difference between having fun vs getting so shitfaced that you can’t do parental duty, clean up, get an anniversary card, kick mates out so you’re ready for your anniversary day, etc.

How is it that a group of women can get together, have quite a few drinks and still manage to be up and functional the next day - yet blokes get completely and utterly wasted and be totally useless the day after? And yet some women STILL defend and minimise their actions.

poorfanjo · 20/06/2021 20:11

@lala90 you deserve better than this

NotTheCatsWhiskers · 20/06/2021 20:54

What’s been his response?!

Royalbloo · 20/06/2021 21:06

Yeah I would be mad - people are acting like you deserve whatever you get because you dared to leave the house and that you're either a massive martyr or a party animal who deserves what they get. I disagree - if he makes a mess he cleans it up and turfs his mates out if he knows it's your anniversary he buys a bloody card. Not hard, is it.

Clymene · 20/06/2021 21:14

@lala90

I haven't done it, I changed my bedsheets, cleaned the bathroom because I can't leave wee on the floor and everything else is as it is. I took the dog for a walk and then got into bed for a lazy Sunday and read some of my book. Slowly realising I'm better than this.
Big hugs. I'm sorry.
CoopsMalloops · 20/06/2021 21:23

I don’t understand the women on this thread, who are clearly treated like shit by their partners and claim OP has “over reacted”and that they “wouldn’t be bothered” by such things, posting goady, gloating comments against OP. Insane.

It’s out of order what OP’s husband has done thoughtless and selfish and IMO not an extreme reaction at all because I would have spontaneously combusted. Leaving piss on the floor? Just unacceptable. And cards are a big deal.

Newmumatlast · 20/06/2021 21:27

@lala90

To everyone that thinks that grown adult men leaving a house like a 17 year olds house party is okay, I really hope you don't show such disrespect when around others.

Thank you for all your nice messages x

Fwiw I think he has been disrespectful too. People make mistakes but its his reaction when he realised you were not happy. Why he didn't ensure he cleaned up and took you somewhere knowing that, is i guess what you ask yourself
Original poster
lala90 · 20/06/2021 22:31

His excuse was "I usually go to big tesco to get a nice card the day before but didn't have time yesterday and I was going to go this afternoon but you were already in a mood with me" 👍🏻

I explained that I'd got his card in "little tesco" near us and I don't understand his reasoning and he said he likes to put thought into the card not pick from 3 but there we go 😂

He's washed up, cleaned the floor and got rid of the mess finally, at 10pm, after sleeping all day.

I'm not even bothered anymore I'm wondering what I'm even doing here still, it's not just this incident alone that's made me question my marriage.

OP posts:
CoopsMalloops · 20/06/2021 22:39

At this point in your relationship, if there are other things you are not happy with then you have to be clear on things that have to change from this point forward in or the other.

IAmAWomanNotACis · 20/06/2021 23:30

@lala90

His excuse was "I usually go to big tesco to get a nice card the day before but didn't have time yesterday and I was going to go this afternoon but you were already in a mood with me" 👍🏻

I explained that I'd got his card in "little tesco" near us and I don't understand his reasoning and he said he likes to put thought into the card not pick from 3 but there we go 😂

He's washed up, cleaned the floor and got rid of the mess finally, at 10pm, after sleeping all day.

I'm not even bothered anymore I'm wondering what I'm even doing here still, it's not just this incident alone that's made me question my marriage.

Flowers It's not really acceptable that a grown man leaves buying a card to the day before, is it. Especially when they "don't have time". And still manages to throw shade on you because he's got bette standards than you, fancy buying his from such a small selection, how trashy of you! and then he didn't bother at all because he'd already pissed you off by not having it on time so why bother at all Hmm
thisplaceisweird · 20/06/2021 23:34

@shivawn

"Your reaction seems extreme to me.

We wouldn't bother with cards in my relationship but we both plan something nice together to celebrate like a weekend away or a fancy meal"

What's your point? Overreaction because a card is too much to ask, but you get a weekend away or fancy meal???

sophi1995 · 20/06/2021 23:36

[quote thisplaceisweird]@shivawn

"Your reaction seems extreme to me.

We wouldn't bother with cards in my relationship but we both plan something nice together to celebrate like a weekend away or a fancy meal"

What's your point? Overreaction because a card is too much to ask, but you get a weekend away or fancy meal???[/quote]
My point is why not make a plan together rather than waiting for him to do something and getting upset when he doesn't.

Carbara · 20/06/2021 23:39

Awful that you cleaned their piss, and that he doesn’t do any housework ever. He must be spectacular in every other aspect of life for you to want to be married to him.

Furries · 21/06/2021 01:48

@shivawn

Your reaction seems extreme to me.

We wouldn't bother with cards in my relationship but we both plan something nice together to celebrate like a weekend away or a fancy meal.

Well, that’s nice for you - but other than that, your post has no point to it or relevance to the OP’s situation!
Original poster
lala90 · 21/06/2021 06:57

@sophi1995 why would I make a plan with my husband to get me a card?

I wasn't fussed about going for dinner or out for the day.

OP posts:
3Britnee · 21/06/2021 07:09

@lala90

The poor dog was desperate for a wee, the cat is staring at the food bowl because it's midday and he hasn't been fed. I want to hit him over the head with something 🤦🏻‍♀️😂
Didn't you get in by 9am? Bit off to not see to the animals because you've got the hump. Over something pathetic.