Wedding anniversary and I'm in tears

[lala90]

Been married 7 years today, I went to a friends birthday last night and stayed over but was back by 9am and had left a card for him.

I've walked into the house, his friends are all asleep on the sofa/floor house is a tip, he's in bed stinking of alcohol and hasn't got me a card.

I'm sat in my garden in tears whilst they all eat bacon sandwiches, nursing their hangovers.

I didn't expect anything other than a card and I feel really shit, I work my arse off, take care of the house, do all his admin for his business on top of a full time job, his laundry, and I don't even get a card on our anniversary?

I feel like getting in the car and fucking off for the day, am I over reacting here?!

When I got no card or anything for Mother's Day last year, I told everyone that I was disappointed and hurt and that they now had 365 days to make sure it didn't happen again next time. It worked.

Also, as PP have said--please don't clean up his mess.

It's his mess to deal with.

Leaving the remains of the pizza on the coffee table and beer bottles on the side is hardly comparable with being a squat.

Piss all over the toilet does.

Don’t clean it up. What have you been doing since you first posted? Did you go out?

If you then you still could/should. Send him a message saying you expect the place in the same state you left it yesterday before you went out or you’ll book a hotel for the night and won’t be back till it’s done.

This isn’t about a card, though I like them too. It’s about his disdain for you, your shared home and your feelings. Make a stand or you’ll regret it.

@BackforGood

Fucking hell, women on here set men a bloody low bar.

No, you're not being unreasonable to be massively pissed off that you've come home to a house that looks like a squat with pets that have been neglected.

Anniversary or not, it's a disgusting way to treat your home.

Nothing to do with it being a man. As other have said, if dh had been out and I'd had friends round for the evening, I wouldn't have tidied and cleaned before 9am on a Sunday morning either. I doubt more than about 1% of the population would. Leaving the remains of the pizza on the coffee table and beer bottles on the side is hardly comparable with being a squat. Stop over dramatising.

EKGEMS People expressing calm, rational opinions does not equal 'goading' . Don't be daft.

It's not the fact the place wasn't tidied and cleaned by 9am, it's the fact I spent yesterday making the house lovely so that I wouldn't have to do it today.
Yes, I expected beer bottles and pizza boxes
So why try and make the house spotless yesterday, when you were expecting there to be this debris left overnight ?
.............. and, of course, you don't have to do it today.

There is piss on my bathroom floor, bits of pizza on the coffee table, beer bottles (some knocked over) all over my floors (that were hoovered and mopped yesterday), dirty trainer wet muddy footprints also on floors. The kitchen sides are covered in sticky beer, bottles, pizza boxes.

That's what the OP wrote, beers bottles on the floor, all the kitchen surfaces covered with beer and crap and probably a combination of mud, piss and beer all over the floor.

Nope, I don't know a single woman who would do that. Stop minimising men's shitty behaviour.

if I don't clean and tidy again, it won't be done

He KNOWS this. You are his mother. Jesus, woman, fine, clean up the poor boys mess, it's obvious neither he nor you will ever change.

Yes it's sad. so, fuck him. Either you put up with it forever or DO SOMETHING about it, and if he doesn't change then put up with it and don't complain anymore, because you've chosen to have this continue.

@lala90

I totally get where your coming from. If my husband had friends over when I was out it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. However, if the place was left as you describe I’d be livid. Totally disrespectful to do that to your own house let alone his friends doing it to yours

Don’t clean it, leave it to see what he thinks

I hope you went out and had a nice day to yourself

That's what the OP wrote, beers bottles on the floor, all the kitchen surfaces covered with beer and crap and probably a combination of mud, piss and beer all over the floor.

Nope, I don't know a single woman who would do that. Stop minimising men's shitty behaviour.

People aren't minimising, but at the time of writing it was only 9am and I do think it's unrealistic to expect to come home to a spotless house that early on a Sunday morning. Most childless people aren't even out of bed at that time, let alone doing housework when hungover.

I really don't think someone is unreasonable for being in bed at 9am on a Sunday morning, or for leaving the housework until they're feeling more alive.

Your equal partners in this marriage... so I would suggest you use this nightmare to fight your inner cleaning demon and do nothing. Leave the place as you found it.

Absolutely do this.

cupsofcoffee it still isn't done now, in the afternoon.

@SengaMac

cupsofcoffee it still isn't done now, in the afternoon.

Yes, I know that. But when OP posted, it was barely 9am, which is what people are basing their replies off.

Personally I would just ignore it - go out on my own or sit in the garden with a takeaway and leave him to sort it out. It's not ideal but at least OP isn't the one feeling like shit with a hangover on a Sunday afternoon!

But I get the feeling from OP's replies that she'll clean up anyway and will just be left feeling even more resentful.

But I get the feeling from OP's replies that she'll clean up anyway and will just be left feeling even more resentful.

I don't think it's more of a present tense than future tens we should use there. And I agree now he became unreasonable. So does op though if she is now moping around and is cleaning.

@cupsofcoffee

That's what the OP wrote, beers bottles on the floor, all the kitchen surfaces covered with beer and crap and probably a combination of mud, piss and beer all over the floor.

Nope, I don't know a single woman who would do that. Stop minimising men's shitty behaviour.

People aren't minimising, but at the time of writing it was only 9am and I do think it's unrealistic to expect to come home to a spotless house that early on a Sunday morning. Most childless people aren't even out of bed at that time, let alone doing housework when hungover.

I really don't think someone is unreasonable for being in bed at 9am on a Sunday morning, or for leaving the housework until they're feeling more alive.

People are minimising.

I don't think there's anything wrong with them all being asleep at 9am. I do think a floor covered in mud, piss and beer is beyond the pale. That's what club floors are like the following morning, not houses.

And they were compos mentis enough to make themselves bacon sarnies.

The OP may like to think of these blokes as her brothers but it's pretty clear they think of her as a skivvy.

No way would I be spending my day cleaning it up.
Go for a burger by yourself!
Take a book.

Leave him to do it!

I'd be fuming and book myself into a hotel or stay with a friend tonight. Wouldn't be coming home until the house is in a presentable state. Horrible for him to act like that any day, never mind your anniversary, hope you're okay OP

I don't think there's anything wrong with them all being asleep at 9am. I do think a floor covered in mud, piss and beer is beyond the pale. That's what club floors are like the following morning, not houses.

And they were compos mentis enough to make themselves bacon sarnies.

Most people would get themselves a coffee and some breakfast before facing the cleaning. I absolutely do think her husband is unreasonable for still not having cleaned up at 5pm, but I really can't get worked up about some mess at 9am after a night of drinking and socialising.

The OP may like to think of these blokes as her brothers but it's pretty clear they think of her as a skivvy.

But she keeps cleaning up after them and doing all the work. Yes, it's becoming increasingly clear that her DH is lazy but she's not helping the situation by insisting on hoovering when it leaves in her in pain for days at a time.

Another one who has not been great on anniversaries or birthdays for that matter.

But I'm totally onside with OP when she's upset about coming home to a tip (including piss) and desperate animals. I'd be out for the whole weekend (with the animals) and not back until I knew it was sorted.

I don't think there's anything wrong with them all being asleep at 9am. I do think a floor covered in mud, piss and beer is beyond the pale.

.......and it would be if that were the case, but that is a massive leap from what the OP has described.
You can put your own slant on it all you like, but most posters are replying to the facts the OP posted.

OP has said her dh's friends are like brothers to her. If my brother had stayed in my house and I saw him up and about, getting breakfast the next morning, I would say something like "Glad you had a good night, but the toilet floor is a mess, I don't know which one of you is cleaning that and which one sorting these empties out ?" and not let them just walk out of the door not that any of dh's friend, nor my brother would do that even without a reminder.

I’d be more than pissed off if I were you. He has been an inconsiderate dickhead. All it takes to make you happy is a card on the morning of your anniversary. Not expensive presents or big, over the top declarations of love. Just £2 on a card and knowing he’s bought it because he knows it’s important to you. That is NOT too much to ask for. If walking 5 minutes down the road and spending £2 is something he can’t be arsed to do, then of course it’s going to hurt your feelings.

I think you’re being a bit of a martyr about the cleaning though. I really hope you put the cleaning stuff in a bucket, woke him up with it, told him it was his anniversary present and if he thinks you’re causing yourself physical pain to scrub his mates piss off the toilet then he’s got another think coming.

Dont clean it up, make him do it. But all the posters egging you to divorce him over this are just being ridiculous. He had a few too many, hes been really thoughtless and quite shit, but I dont think it warrants ending the marriage ffs.

Somewhere along the way you've taught him you don't deserve to be treated well, that's the message he's got. You have to teach him you will no longer accept this.

PLEASE DON'T clean it up.

I'd take the dog for a walk and feed the animals again, and I'd ask my friend if I could come back over for tonight. Then from hers I'd text your darling shithead of a partner that you won't be back tonight and you expect the house to be cleaned and tidied and a bloody great bouquet of flowers a card and a proper apology AS A MINIMUM before you return.

@BackforGood

I don't think there's anything wrong with them all being asleep at 9am. I do think a floor covered in mud, piss and beer is beyond the pale.

.......and it would be if that were the case, but that is a massive leap from what the OP has described.
You can put your own slant on it all you like, but most posters are replying to the facts the OP posted.

OP has said her dh's friends are like brothers to her. If my brother had stayed in my house and I saw him up and about, getting breakfast the next morning, I would say something like "Glad you had a good night, but the toilet floor is a mess, I don't know which one of you is cleaning that and which one sorting these empties out ?" and not let them just walk out of the door not that any of dh's friend, nor my brother would do that even without a reminder.

She said there were empty beer bottles on the floor, some of them spilled. She said that there was piss over the bathroom floor. She said there were muddy footprints everywhere.

If people have been walking around with muddy wet shoes on floor with piss and beer on it then there is piss and beer tracked all over the floor.

Why are you trying to make this woman feel like this is completely acceptable? It's really not.

He sounds like an asshat - hope you've been out & done something nice & that somewhere during the afternoon he cleaned up the mess. If not though, if you haven't already, sort yourself a nice treat, ignore him for the evening, have a bath or take yourself to bed, watch a film you fancy or go read a book.

Do not to clean it and just tell him something along the lines of "looks like you all had a good night, as you know I cleaned yesterday and I get sciatica so really can't do it again today, thanks in advance for cleaning the loo & general detritus around and on the floor from your friends. I'm going to have an early night while you do that." (do not do it for him!)

I haven't done it, I changed my bedsheets, cleaned the bathroom because I can't leave wee on the floor and everything else is as it is. I took the dog for a walk and then got into bed for a lazy Sunday and read some of my book. Slowly realising I'm better than this.