Wedding anniversary and I'm in tears

[lala90]

Been married 7 years today, I went to a friends birthday last night and stayed over but was back by 9am and had left a card for him.

I've walked into the house, his friends are all asleep on the sofa/floor house is a tip, he's in bed stinking of alcohol and hasn't got me a card.

I'm sat in my garden in tears whilst they all eat bacon sandwiches, nursing their hangovers.

I didn't expect anything other than a card and I feel really shit, I work my arse off, take care of the house, do all his admin for his business on top of a full time job, his laundry, and I don't even get a card on our anniversary?

I feel like getting in the car and fucking off for the day, am I over reacting here?!

@SchrodingersImmigrant You're goading her because you think finding a pissed on toilet isn't anything to get angry about as long as it isn't "permanent damage" It's goading

His friends have left. He's gone back to sleep on the sofa and the house is still a state.

People aren't understanding what I'm saying, it's not about expecting me to be back at 9am before he'd bought a card, he could of got me a card any day in the past 2 weeks or whatever. It's not the fact the place wasn't tidied and cleaned by 9am, it's the fact I spent yesterday making the house lovely so that I wouldn't have to do it today.

Yes, I expected beer bottles and pizza boxes, I'm not a control freak, what I didn't expect is the state I walked in to! I can't ever imagine turning up at somebody's home and leaving piss on their floor or half eaten pizza left on the coffee table and beer tipped on the sides.

I cried out of frustration, I have sciatica, hoovering etc leaves me in pain for a day or two. The animals had been completely forgotten about it seems and to top it all off he's in no fit state for us to do anything together, walk the dog, stop at the local pub for a burger etc he's asleep on the sofa and if I don't clean and tidy again, it won't be done. So I'll be going to work tomorrow for another 5 12 hour days with no time to clean.

@Clymene

Fucking hell, women on here set men a bloody low bar.

No, you're not being unreasonable to be massively pissed off that you've come home to a house that looks like a squat with pets that have been neglected.

Anniversary or not, it's a disgusting way to treat your home.

Go out OP and don't come back.

The responders that think the OP is over reacting are not setting a low bar. On the whole the responses have been that crying in the garden is an overreaction and OP just needs to tell her husband to clear up. What is low about this bar?

[quote EKGEMS]@SchrodingersImmigrant You're goading her because you think finding a pissed on toilet isn't anything to get angry about as long as it isn't "permanent damage" It's goading [/quote]
Oh calm down. It's a bit of a mess they will clean up. It's honestly not worth the drama. It's not goading. It's called being bit rational

[quote lala90]@giletrouge I feel like telling all of his friends to fuck off out of my house and take their shit and bottles with them (not normal for me, they're like brothers I never had) and then giving him a few home truths[/quote]
I would do that. I wouldn't care about him having friends round, drinking, if I was out all night, but I would not prepared to clear up after them and I'd be livid about the toilet. They need to be told, they are grown up people. Even brothers have to be told off sometimes.

The mess you describe is standard post drinking debris.The only thing that isn't acceptable is the piss in the bathroom.

Oh well now it's worth the drama since OP will be cleaning it. Which well, shouldn't

I wasn't sat in the garden sobbing either, I sat out with the dog and a cuppa and had a little tear. House is a state, husband hasn't got me an anniversary card and it's Father's Day and the man who bought me up is no longer with us, he knows Father's Day is hard for me and he's never failed to acknowledge that or our anniversary before.

I wouldn't clean up. I would leave him to do it.

See your last sentence - do that.
It was our 28th anniversary yesterday. I've got used to not celebrating it and it not even being mentioned. I'm over it though after all this time.

@lala90 I wish you could take the animals and go out for a nice day! Your "DH" should be cleaning-what an inconsiderate waste of space.

Leave the cleaning stuff out for him and go out, if it's not done today still don't do it, its his mess, stop being responsible for it all. And put his card in the bin.

I can’t understand how so may grown men are like this. My DP included.
If I had the ‘girls’ round the last glasses of the evening and maybe a half eaten bowl of crisps would be out but no way would piss be on the floor or spilt drinks. Any mess is cleaned up mostly through out the evening and then in the morning before everyone leaves. Why is it always men? Discussing and thoughtless.

For gods sake go and give him two barrels, you're going out and the place better be clean when you get back and happy f$c£i*g anniversary. Honestly go to the cinema and get yourself dinner out, Cruella looks quite good!

@lala90

His friends have left. He's gone back to sleep on the sofa and the house is still a state.

People aren't understanding what I'm saying, it's not about expecting me to be back at 9am before he'd bought a card, he could of got me a card any day in the past 2 weeks or whatever. It's not the fact the place wasn't tidied and cleaned by 9am, it's the fact I spent yesterday making the house lovely so that I wouldn't have to do it today.

Yes, I expected beer bottles and pizza boxes, I'm not a control freak, what I didn't expect is the state I walked in to! I can't ever imagine turning up at somebody's home and leaving piss on their floor or half eaten pizza left on the coffee table and beer tipped on the sides.

I cried out of frustration, I have sciatica, hoovering etc leaves me in pain for a day or two. The animals had been completely forgotten about it seems and to top it all off he's in no fit state for us to do anything together, walk the dog, stop at the local pub for a burger etc he's asleep on the sofa and if I don't clean and tidy again, it won't be done. So I'll be going to work tomorrow for another 5 12 hour days with no time to clean.

Fgs do not clean the mess. It's his mess to clean. Go out and leave a note telling him you want the place to be as it was before you left yesterday. Don't treat him like a child by doing it for him.

Yeah you are not being unreasonable, especially as this seems to have a background of him not pulling his weight and being thoughtless. Also, those saying 'they will clean it up' --- I believe they left without doing so and her fella is still zonked out and never cleans anything.

Do. Not. Clean. It. Up.

Take the dog for a lond walk, go to the cinema, anything really. Tell him you're getting out of his way while he cleans up and JUST LEAVE IT.

Otherwise you are being a martyr and perpetuating your unhappiness.

So leave the cleaning to him and go back to your friend's house. Why do you do his laundry? Why do you put up with all this? There is NOTHING we can say to make it better for you, you are the only one that can change things around. You cannot change him, he's clearly a thoughtless immature shit. Who the fuck has that kind of a party past the age of 17?

You've got to really look at your life choices that brought you here and decide what to do next. He won't change, but you can decide whether you can put up with it or not.

I cried out of frustration, I have sciatica, hoovering etc leaves me in pain for a day or two. The animals had been completely forgotten about it seems and to top it all off he's in no fit state for us to do anything together, walk the dog, stop at the local pub for a burger etc he's asleep on the sofa and if I don't clean and tidy again, it won't be done. So I'll be going to work tomorrow for another 5 12 hour days with no time to clean.

Just don't do it.

Treat yourself to a takeaway and sit out in the sunny garden with the dog while he festers in his pit.

Three and a half hours ago I thought you were absolutely reasonable for going out and leaving them to it. Now FGS put the dog in the car, go for a nice walk and leave a note saying CLEAR THIS SHIT UP!

Fucking hell, women on here set men a bloody low bar.

No, you're not being unreasonable to be massively pissed off that you've come home to a house that looks like a squat with pets that have been neglected.

Anniversary or not, it's a disgusting way to treat your home.

Nothing to do with it being a man. As other have said, if dh had been out and I'd had friends round for the evening, I wouldn't have tidied and cleaned before 9am on a Sunday morning either. I doubt more than about 1% of the population would. Leaving the remains of the pizza on the coffee table and beer bottles on the side is hardly comparable with being a squat. Stop over dramatising.

EKGEMS People expressing calm, rational opinions does not equal 'goading' . Don't be daft.

It's not the fact the place wasn't tidied and cleaned by 9am, it's the fact I spent yesterday making the house lovely so that I wouldn't have to do it today.
Yes, I expected beer bottles and pizza boxes
So why try and make the house spotless yesterday, when you were expecting there to be this debris left overnight ?
.............. and, of course, you don't have to do it today.

Don’t clean it up. Flex your tolerance level. It’s hard to live in a shit hole, but after a few days it gets a bit easier. I would just point blank refuse to do it. (Although the longest his gone with living in it is 3 days, but I rekon I could have sulked my way through to 5 days)

Don’t clean it up! Let him.

If hoovering leaves you in pain for two days he should be doing it or paying for a cleaner. You can contribute in other ways. But you shouldn’t have to be doing that.
It is hard to split housework fairly if the standards you are happy to live with are different. I flatshared with a girl at uni and she was just extremely tidy, like she couldn’t sit and have a piece of toast if there was a crumb on the side, or eat her dinner until she’d washed up. So if I cooked and left dishes till after I’d eaten she cleared it up. Gradually I got tidier and she got more relaxed about leaving stuff, so it worked out in the end (she probably always did a bit more). If you’re the cleaner one it’s easy to end up doing it all because you think it needs done before it starts bothering them. It’s not fair though and in a marriage you do need to have a conversation about it if you’re feeling put upon.
Nobody likes piss though, or old food lying around. He needs to fix that.
I’m amazed you’ve got a dog and a pizza still on the coffee table in the morning though. That would literally never happen here!

Haven't RTFT but have read all your updates OP and I can see from your responses you haven't had a lot of support which is such a shame as YADNBU!! I'm really sorry he has been so insensitive. Hopefully once he's sorted himself out this evening you can explain like you have here and he can acknowledge how he's let you down.

I'm sorry you're upset today, I'm must be difficult on father's Day ontop of it all. Especially when you do so much for you both and DH hasn't acknowledged your value.

I would be pissed off too...however for me you have married a manchild. He will sleep and expect you to clean up after him and his mates as that is what you do for him. You will likely sit there today angry and still tidy up as you wont be able to sit in this nightmare. You need to make some changes in how you both live. Your not his parent, you dont need to be picking up after him and cleaing up after him. Your equal partners in this marriage... so I would suggest you use this nightmare to fight your inner cleaning demon and do nothing. Leave the place as you found it.