Wedding anniversary and I'm in tears

[lala90]

Been married 7 years today, I went to a friends birthday last night and stayed over but was back by 9am and had left a card for him.

I've walked into the house, his friends are all asleep on the sofa/floor house is a tip, he's in bed stinking of alcohol and hasn't got me a card.

I'm sat in my garden in tears whilst they all eat bacon sandwiches, nursing their hangovers.

I didn't expect anything other than a card and I feel really shit, I work my arse off, take care of the house, do all his admin for his business on top of a full time job, his laundry, and I don't even get a card on our anniversary?

I feel like getting in the car and fucking off for the day, am I over reacting here?!

This thread seems to have attracted quite a few posters who take a pride in being accepting of this behaviour.

Most of us rather accept that sometimes shit happens, sometimes we party more than we should have, that doing laundry isn't devaluating us and there is no need to cry over some mess someone else will clean up.

@lala90

You're upset and angry about the state of the house, and I totally understand that, I'd be pissed off too.

I agree you should calmly tell your H and his mates to tidy up and clean up (especially the loo, yuk !)

I'd also wait until everyone is gone and your house is clean and tidy again before even broaching the subject with your H.

But you do need to have a talk about priorities and respect, as he has chosen the wrong priority in neglecting your Anniversary and in abusing your house (and if he thinks that you should be helping to clean up, I'd be telling him exactly why you would not be helping him with that !!).

@cupsofcoffee

I don't care that he had friends over, I went to my friends too, what I do care about is the absolute state of my house (grown men shouldn't be disrespecting somebody's home like they have done mine, this wasn't a house party they are in their 30s!) they could have left a few beer bottles and pizza boxes and I'd of been fine but the house is a fucking state! It's the thoughtlessness that gets me.

You haven't really described a "state" in any of your posts - just typical post-party mess. I think it was unrealistic to expect a spotless house at 9am after a night of drinking.

Anyway - rubbish can be put in the bin/recycling, floors can be mopped and windows opened to let the house air - it's hardly the end of the world - and those are all tasks he can do while you sit in the garden and enjoy the sunshine.

It's not like he's left stains on the carpet and vomit on the bedsheets!

I cleaned and tidied yesterday, my house smelt and looked lovely.

There is piss on my bathroom floor, bits of pizza on the coffee table, beer bottles (some knocked over) all over my floors (that were hoovered and mopped yesterday), dirty trainer wet muddy footprints also on floors. The kitchen sides are covered in sticky beer, bottles, pizza boxes.

You don't think that's a state???

It's not like it's some irreparable damage. They will just clean up. Simple

@Tulipomania

I do DH's laundry - it all goes in the same laundry basket and then I sort out whites, coloureds, darks and towels and wash each lot together.

There's no way I'd trust him to do it, or all the whites would end up pink. It makes no sense not to combine the washing. Perfectly normal thing to do.

He folds and sorts and puts away his own clean laundry.

There’s no way you’d trust him to do the washing? Does he have a specific learning profile of some kind that would make the washing problematic for him?

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

cupsofcoffee Not really, no. Firstly I wouldn't expect this the day before my anniversary as I'd probably want to do something that day as a couple and secondly, I wouldn't want or expect to come home to a mess and stinking-of-alcohol men cluttering up the house still.

It doesn't really matter what you or I think, OP wasn't happy about it, although I suspect that's more manifested in the lack of a card. I don't do cards myself but I can understand why it matters to her.

This thread seems to have attracted quite a few posters who take a pride in being accepting of this behaviour. That's fine, we're all different but I wouldn't like it - and OP doesn't.

But OP went out as well. I'd argue that if her wedding anniversary was so important to her, she wouldn't have gone out on a sleepover the night before - why should she be able to go out and have fun while her DH sits at home on his own?

She came home to a mess because it was only 9am - it's not like she come home at 3pm and they were still sleeping with mess all over the place. Most people aren't awake with a spotless house at 9am on a Sunday, especially after a night with friends.

And you're right - OP doesn't have to like it, but she posted asking if she's being unreasonable, so of course people are bound to disagree with her.

The problem here is that OP said he does nothing around the house as a rule. He lets her work for free for him and seems to generally take her for granted. Messing up a spotless house is disrespectful (he would have seen her tidy and clean yesterday) as is dismissing OP's obvious wish for a simple token of thanks!
He's an arse.

Another who thinks you are completely over reacting.
'In tears' . Really ?

Clearly your anniversary isn't a particularly big deal to you - like for most of us - as you chose to spend the Saturday night separately and made no arrangements to go out for a meal or anything today, so you are completely overreacting on that front.

The "mess" doesn't sound horrendous at all - it sounds like what you would expect after a group have been drinking and partying the night before and haven't got up yet, so again, completely overreacting. You've even said you have no problem with this and his pals are like brothers to you.

By all means go out if you want to, and I should imagine when your dh and his pals get up they will tidy up and life carries on.

Some real drama seekers on this thread.

YABU

There is piss on my bathroom floor, bits of pizza on the coffee table, beer bottles (some knocked over) all over my floors (that were hoovered and mopped yesterday), dirty trainer wet muddy footprints also on floors. The kitchen sides are covered in sticky beer, bottles, pizza boxes.

You don't think that's a state???

But it was 9am after a night of drinking. Did you expect them to clean up and mop the floors before going to bed?

Nothing you've described is ideal but nor is it anything worth crying over. It could be cleaned up in less than an hour - dirty footprints, some wee around the toilet and pizza boxes on the side is hardly a major disaster.

If my DH had gone out with his friends, and I'd had some of my friends over, I really wouldn't be impressed if he came home at 9am the next day and complained about the mess.

'Bits of pizza on the coffee table' is not something to go cry in the garden about.

Go out if you want to. Let him clean up when he's up and then yell at him about the lack of card if it's important to you, but to answer your question - yes you are overreacting.

@Quietrebel

The problem here is that OP said he does nothing around the house as a rule. He lets her work for free for him and seems to generally take her for granted. Messing up a spotless house is disrespectful (he would have seen her tidy and clean yesterday) as is dismissing OP's obvious wish for a simple token of thanks! He's an arse.

He may well be an arse.

But he's not an arse because the house wasn't spotless at 9am after a night of drinking and socialising.

The main issue for me would be that he neglected your pets needs. What a cunt.

I’d be annoyed but I would have gone out and done something else. Leave him to the mess.

You seem absolutely determined to let this ruin your day. Treat yourself to something nice, let him clear up and take control over your day

Fucking hell, women on here set men a bloody low bar.

No, you're not being unreasonable to be massively pissed off that you've come home to a house that looks like a squat with pets that have been neglected.

Anniversary or not, it's a disgusting way to treat your home.

Go out OP and don't come back.

I attach rather little importance to what people do for special occasions, so forgetting the anniversary wouldn't have bothered me. What is important to me is their consideration for me every day of the year. And it sounds as though your 'd'h falls far short of that. He apparently does little or nothing around the house; expects you to do admin work for him for free; and at least on this occasion, he and his mates got your house in a disgusting state and - what would be even worse to me - neglected the dog and cat. Of course, we're only hearing one side of the story; but I would strongly recommend - not necessarily leaving him, but certainly a 'strike' from doing his laundry and admin work, etc. until he starts to show some basic consideration.

OP, genuinely don't know why you're getting such stick.

You don't have to normally celebrate with a parade and a Disney dinner to be dismayed when your husband treats you like shit. Just because you went out doesn't mean you expect to come home to a disaster, with no thought given to you, the work you do at the house, or your anniversary.

I suspect that if he pulled his weight equally in the house and had, say, mopped the floors himself yesterday, you'd be less angry at him right now.

But he doesn't act like a particularly good partner, and he doesn't act like a caring-if-retrograde husband, so I suppose what we're left with is careless lout.

Have you gone out then? Or are you going to spend the day in total martyrdom?

OP apologies, I shouldn't have said "she". It was rude. You are well able to correct people when you feel you have been mistreated so only you know why you do all housework and work full time whilst your DH doesn't seem to do much and calls you pathetic for being upset. I do think you are being unreasonable though as you have accepted this treatment for a long time and your DH isn't to know that you now expect to be treated differently.

@cupsofcoffee

There is piss on my bathroom floor, bits of pizza on the coffee table, beer bottles (some knocked over) all over my floors (that were hoovered and mopped yesterday), dirty trainer wet muddy footprints also on floors. The kitchen sides are covered in sticky beer, bottles, pizza boxes.

You don't think that's a state???

But it was 9am after a night of drinking. Did you expect them to clean up and mop the floors before going to bed?

Nothing you've described is ideal but nor is it anything worth crying over. It could be cleaned up in less than an hour - dirty footprints, some wee around the toilet and pizza boxes on the side is hardly a major disaster.

If my DH had gone out with his friends, and I'd had some of my friends over, I really wouldn't be impressed if he came home at 9am the next day and complained about the mess.

I'd expect piss to be cleaned up as otherwise it will stink. Disgusting behaviour. @lala90 I sincerely hope you have not as much as helped tidy up or clean their disgusting mess.

Stop goading the OP @cupsofcoffee and @SchrodingersImmigrant you've both made your points! To imply the anniversary means less because she's gone out the night before?! Does that apply to the lazy add husband as well?

Sheesh, some people on here are really judgemental about crying. Ditto anyone expecting special occasions to be observed and celebrated. There are some really hard-hearted comments being directed at the OP here.

And some people on this thread are comprehensively missing the point. It's the OP's anniversary, her DH presumably knows celebrating it is important to her as he's got her cards in the past, and OP shouldn't have had to come home to this on what's supposed to be a significant day for them both.

OP I hope he does something to make it up to you.

@EKGEMS

Stop goading the OP *@cupsofcoffee and @SchrodingersImmigrant* you've both made your points! To imply the anniversary means less because she's gone out the night before?! Does that apply to the lazy add husband as well?

How the fuck is pointing out that mess isn't irreparable damage a "goading"🙄

It’s a mess and she is upset, naturally if DH and his mates were not so pissed it wouldn’t be as bad.
No doubt they went to bed too late.
I hope he apologises and cleans up at least

@EKGEMS

Stop goading the OP *@cupsofcoffee and @SchrodingersImmigrant* you've both made your points! To imply the anniversary means less because she's gone out the night before?! Does that apply to the lazy add husband as well?

I'm not being goady

And the husband isn't the one in tears about the situation - OP is.

I'm also not saying the anniversary meant less because she went out, but that maybe her husband assumed she wasn't fussed about celebrating because she was out with her mate instead of at home?