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Original poster

Wedding anniversary and I'm in tears

248 replies

lala90 · 20/06/2021 12:00

Been married 7 years today, I went to a friends birthday last night and stayed over but was back by 9am and had left a card for him.

I've walked into the house, his friends are all asleep on the sofa/floor house is a tip, he's in bed stinking of alcohol and hasn't got me a card.

I'm sat in my garden in tears whilst they all eat bacon sandwiches, nursing their hangovers.

I didn't expect anything other than a card and I feel really shit, I work my arse off, take care of the house, do all his admin for his business on top of a full time job, his laundry, and I don't even get a card on our anniversary?

I feel like getting in the car and fucking off for the day, am I over reacting here?!

OP posts:
Hadjab · 20/06/2021 12:58

@Dannyandsandy

This is what he thinks of you. This is the amount of respect he has for you. One day of the year and he can’t make a tiny amount of effort? Leave the bastard. You can do so much better. You deserve better than this.
How do we know he’s not the perfect husband 364 days of the year and this is the one time he slipped up?
khakiandcoral · 20/06/2021 12:58

This is what he thinks of you.

stop projecting.

How often does he have parties like this in (what is both) your home! If it's every week, you can reasonably be pissed off and refuse to put up with this crap.

If it's once a year... I wouldn't be impressed, but is that such a big deal, when the OP herself was at another party and stayed over!

PanamaPattie · 20/06/2021 13:00

He doesn’t think like you. He had a good time last night and he’s probably got a hangover. Sadly, you are not as important to him as you think you are. He will apologise and talk to round until you feel that it’s your fault for making a fuss. This relationship isn’t working for you - you don’t sound happy.

khakiandcoral · 20/06/2021 13:00

MN loves a drama. I bet if if a poster start a thread about a DH staying with friends and only turning up in the morning of their wedding anniversary, there would be an uproar.

khakiandcoral · 20/06/2021 13:01

Oh, I got it! It's fathers day!

Must be plenty of VERY resentful divorded posters on here, especially if their kids are having a blast with their dad today.

I was wondering why so much hatred today.

UppermillSarah · 20/06/2021 13:01

@lala90

To PPs, I told him I'd be back early so that we can spend the day together.

We live a 2 minute walk from a tesco express which sells cards and is open 7-10 every day.

We've never given each other presents for anniversary but always cards.

Regardless of if it's a party that got out of hand, as a human, if I crashed at a friends house like I did last night, bottles go in recycling and leftover food gets put away, we are in our 30s ffs not 19.

No need for piss all over my toilet either, or not taking off their wet muddy trainers when I left the house clean and tidy.

Calling me pathetic for crying over it isn't very nice either.

You've posted on Mumsnet, what do you expect? It is poor planning on your part to have stayed out the night before your anniversary.
Grandmaschickensalad · 20/06/2021 13:02

Is a card really that important? Some people are awful at remembering cards. Going forward can you not plan a different way to mark your anniversary? Like arrange to go for dinner or one of you to cook? That way no one will forget and everyone will know what’s expected.

Grandmaschickensalad · 20/06/2021 13:03

And by the way he should definitely need to clean up any mess that he and his friends have made. That’s not your job.

secondspringing · 20/06/2021 13:04

I feel like getting in the car and fucking off for the day, am I over reacting here?!

I think you are under-reacting. Its not just today is it? Its his general attitude of having no appreciation of you, whilst taking it for granted that you will do shitloads for him.

You need to be re-evaluating the entire dynamic of your relationship, and indeed if you want to stay in a relationship with this dynamic.

Doing slap-head and laughing emojis is just feeding into a ' Men! What are they like?!' narrative which enables you to put up with him treating you shittily.

I suggest you stop doing that and start expecting respect. Because lets fact it, this is a man whose never going to freely give you respect till you start demanding it.

happytoday73 · 20/06/2021 13:05

I agree with shinyme response.... Would have to add happy anniversary as a passive aggressive comment... But that's just me not necessarily recommended

Somethingsnappy · 20/06/2021 13:07

Definitely go out for the day OP. And leave a note saying you expect everything to be tidied and cleaned up by the time you get back, including the toilet.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/06/2021 13:08

@khakiandcoral

Oh, I got it! It's fathers day!

Must be plenty of VERY resentful divorded posters on here, especially if their kids are having a blast with their dad today.

I was wondering why so much hatred today.

Ha! Yeah
NotTheCatsWhiskers · 20/06/2021 13:08

Go out, tell them to clean their shit up and you’ll be back later. But I have a feeling you’re already cleaning…

MyHusbandIsARockStar · 20/06/2021 13:08

He leaves you to do everything, every day of the year, he lets his friends treat your house like shit and he neglects animals. An anniversary card really wouldn’t help. They’d be no more wedding anniversaries, get rid.

SengaMac · 20/06/2021 13:09

@ShinyMe

Feed the cat, let the dog out and leave a note saying 'i'm off out for the day and expect to come home to this place being tidy, see you later." Then go and enjoy your day.
I hope you did this.
Kokeshi123 · 20/06/2021 13:09

I don't really understand the idea of giving cards to someone I live in the same house with, to be honest. If this is really important to you, then you need to have a clear conversation where you explain that this really really matters to you. If my partner got upset with me for not giving them a card, I'd feel a bit baffled to be honest. On the other hand, if they were a caring partner and just happened to have a bee in their bonnet about a bit of cardboard, I'd make the effort and do it for them in future. But I'd need to KNOW. It wouldn't occur to me to buy a a card for livein partner unless I was prompted!

I think the bigger issue is that you appear to be overloaded with housework and household admin despite the fact that you both work, and it sounds like you have a completely legitimate reason to be frustrated with regards to this. Go out for the day with your friends etc., and before you go, tell him clearly that he needs to clear up all the mess he has made--it's not your job. Then (this evening or at some point this week), have a proper conversation where you spell out how much you are doing and work out how the work is to be allocated fairly going forward.

Domoresteps · 20/06/2021 13:11

I think it’s unrealistic to expect a pristine house when you got back at 9am and presumably you knew he was having mates around and you were ok with it.

ddl1 · 20/06/2021 13:11

I wouldn't consider a card that important from someone who's living with you anyway; but his drunken, messy, inconsiderate behaviour would certainly infuriate me. Does this happen regularly? Unless it's a complete one-off, it sounds as though either he regards you as his servant to clean up while he has fun with 'the boys', or he has a drink problem, or possibly both.

PhillipPhillop · 20/06/2021 13:12

No need to leave a note. They're already up and eating bacon sandwiches (hopefully not made by op). Just say you'll be back when the house is clean and anniversary ready

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/06/2021 13:12

I'd feed the animals then ask the lot of them if they think I'm a fucking scullery maid who is going to clear their shit up after them and then bugger off out for the day. Sod that.

Tulipomania · 20/06/2021 13:12

I do DH's laundry - it all goes in the same laundry basket and then I sort out whites, coloureds, darks and towels and wash each lot together.

There's no way I'd trust him to do it, or all the whites would end up pink. It makes no sense not to combine the washing. Perfectly normal thing to do.

He folds and sorts and puts away his own clean laundry.

Sittingonabench · 20/06/2021 13:12

No point in being down about it. I would do a selection of the following (budget depending and children)
Feed/walk animals
Tell him you’re going out and you expect the place to be as you left it when you get back.
Try to get nails appointment
Try to get hair appointment
Go shopping and buy a new outfit
Book into a restaurant for tonight
Get yourself in a place where you feel great and happy.
Tell him to be ready for restaurant.
Go out with him- celebrate and as part of conversation tell him that you feel you need to make more time to show each other appreciation and it really hit you today. Don’t do guilt thing just be honest and see where he is at.
You can still turn it around if you really want to but don’t do things (like cleaning) that will increase your resentment.

Domoresteps · 20/06/2021 13:12

Who gets back from a night away at 9am? I would say he wasn’t expecting you yet.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/06/2021 13:13

@happytoday73

I agree with shinyme response.... Would have to add happy anniversary as a passive aggressive comment... But that's just me not necessarily recommended
I definitely would in front of all of them right before flouncing out.
Zari29 · 20/06/2021 13:13

There's parties and then there is this type of partying. Your dh and his friends sound utterly disgusting. Maybe I'm just boring and uptight, but if my dh was having these types of parties I would find that hugely disrespectful and have a massive issue. Also, why are your standards so low that you will be delighted at just a card? Your anniversary is no surprise, your dh has a year to put in the effort. How often does he do things like this?