To want my friends to show more of an interest in my baby?

[coffeeinapinkmug]

I’m probably going to be flamed a bit here

I am 40. Most of my friends had children in the 33-37 age bracket so the youngest are now 3/4ish.

The thing is this. I’ve bought presents and cards and made a fuss and liked photos on Facebook. Now it’s my turn and nothing.

I know it’s a bit petty but it does make me sad.

AIBU to think they should perhaps feign interest, given I did for them?

You know they are just shitty friends thats it. End of the day if they cared enough they would.

All these posters saying well ots been a hard year, they are busy blah blah blah its all bs.

Everyone has there own shite going on but if your gonna be a friend then be a friend dont have excuses for being a crap one.

Your entitels to feel the way you do, its crap whilst they had all that from.you they cannot even reciprocate, no excuses at all for that.

All you can is not let it affect you as much as possible, just acknowledge its crap and readjust your expectations from now on.

There has been times I forgot a bday or something and I'm so embarrassed I even admit to that friends I had no excuse and its crap on my behalf. Thats what decent people do.

The problem with the questions about how the OP is messaging her friends is that it is implying that it is her method of contact that is at the root of this.

It isn’t.

Unless there is a serious suggestion her friends didn’t know her baby was in hospital, then not enquiring at any stage over the next few not she is unacceptable regardless of anything. Likewise, they knew she had had a first baby, and however she has or hadn’t contacted them, they are shits for going months never having got in touch.

I think it’s really tough OP but unfortunately this is kinda part and parcel of being the last to have kids. They’re not being intentionally rude but with several small people of your own it’s total chaos and they probably don’t have the time or energy to give the attention you want! You said they did congratulate you after the birth I’m not sure what else you want?

I have 2 under 2 and frequently struggle with my sibling who is considerably younger than me and in the process of getting married/graduating. I’m good at ‘congratulations - here is a nice card and gift’ but just do not have the time/energy to listen or engage in endless conversations about cake tasting, menu choices or uni projects.
My sibling gets annoyed because we did talk about my wedding a lot at the time but non of us were doing anything else… non of us had small children to juggle. I can’t turn my kids off because they want to spend 3 hours talking about colour schemes and with a EBF newborn and a grumpy toddler in tow I can barely keep clean clothes on us and everyone fed. Right now I’m screening their calls as fed up of them just not having a clue what it’s like to have multiple small children, be massively sleep deprived and have nothing left to give!

I’m not a monster but a 10-15 min ‘congratulations’ along with a card and gift (ordered online whilst i pee) is honestly all I’m capable of

People find other people's children of little interest, and their own of obsessive interest.

See its just excuses, 'I don't have time cos I have children'. Well you can make time if you really wanted to, give the kids to grandparents to make time, babysitter. Or when they are asleep, th dishes or whatever can wait to actually work on your relationships with other people.

Funny thing is when its people who don't have kids people are more offended cos you can't use kids as an excuse.

Given your reaction to Tangled I think you are probably being unreasonable about your friends; this is extremely over-sensitive.

I agree with this. Tangled was talking a lot of sense and simply offering some advice/ perspective on why OP might not be getting the interest she wants from her friends. It wasn’t an interrogation, just a request for some more information to help inform a judgement about whether these are really shitty friends, or just ordinarily busy friends who do mean well, and there is some miscommunication/ oversensitivity on the OP’s side.

It sounds like you’ve been having a hard time OP. It’s lonely to have a 6 month old, and it’s been a hard time with covid . Don’t push your friends away , or allow yourself to build silent resentment against them. It won’t help you in the long term. Your feelings are understandable and valid, but that doesn’t mean they are reasonable. I would suggest that the best thing to do next is to follow some of the practical suggestions people like tangled have offered and see what response you get, you might be pleasantly surprised ☺️.

@whatthejiggeries

I haven't read the full thread but frankly just because you are obsessed by your baby doesn't mean everyone else has to be. Once you have toddlers there's so much going on it's hard to squeeze time in to think about anything else particularly if you are back to work. Also many first time mums have a habit of overdoing the Facebook posts. I don't care if Daisy has just eaten her first mashed banana. I've got friends who post at least three times a week with their babies milestones which are no more special than those of every other baby that ever existed. It gets boring. I think your expectations are too high - other people have stuff going on in their lives they may just not talk or post about it

Afraid I feel the same. I hide everyone who has a baby on Facebook as soon as they're pregnant - I don't need a bump photo a week, I don't need 5 photos a day of your newborn, I don't need to know if your kid learned to poo in a potty today, it's not what I go on social media for. I've no idea if I felt the same if I had my own children cos that's not something I want but some people just truly aren't that bothered by other people's kids (even if they were bothered by their own). So this could explain the lack of social media engagement - you only have to look at the occasional thread that pops up on here about whether or not it's unreasonable to be upset that a friend didn't like your big [job/baby/house] announcement, and a good proportion of people don't see it as 'real' life. I will happily send a card and have a hold of my friend's babies when I see them, have sent presents for various kids over the years as appropriate, but I just do not want to see them all over my Facebook feed. So maybe let real life settle in post-lockdown and see if they're good friends in person, rather than online. It could just be a difference in how they use social media.

Having said I've no interest in babies, OP, I'm the person who "does the right things" in my groups of friends. I remember birthdays, send gifts for special occasions, cards, cheer up presents during lockdown, I cook when people need help... and I rarely get it back.

It bothered me for about 5 mins when I first realised it then I realised it didn't matter. It's important to me to do it and i don't do it to get it back.

One of the others is the organiser, another instinctively knows when you need a call etc. We all have our "thing".

Do your friends have their thing and yours had been fussing over babies?

When you have a baby then it’s a huge thing l get it and it takes over your life. It’s the same when you get married, buy a property etc. Other people simply don’t feel the same, they will be busy and have their own stuff going on. A friend of mine has been like that with me since they had a child, they have deemed l haven’t “made enough effort”, often what they mean is l don’t co-ordinate my life around them. E.g. the time l got married wasn’t convenient for them (there’s no crazy back story like midnight, they were just being precious). I sent them cards, visited with a present, showed an interest but “not enough” apparently. I’m at a loss about what would be enough. All super odd.

Wondering how you communicated your baby was back in hospital and with whom? The same thing happened to us - readmitted seriously ill on day 5 and spent four days in SCBU. In the immediate aftermath I was upset that there wasn't much contact from people I'd thought cared about me.

It turned out this was for various reasons. At the time we'd had no idea how serious it was, so had downplayed it to the couple of people we did tell. I told someone at my church we were back in, but they assumed we had family helping out and left it at that assuming we needed space (we didn't have any family helping out). The people who actually followed and supported me hour by hour were on an online forum. Others had had updates passed on to them by me or DH and had shared it with friends but didn't want to bother us so didn't get in touch individually - think everyone was assuming someone else was in touch?!
What I regret doing was not asking directly for help - the one friend I did ask directly was superb, she picked up DH from the hospital, listened to all his fears and concerns and got him home along with some shopping.

@coffeeinapinkmug

Thinking back to when my friends had their DCs, I liked their photos and commented on them on social media. OK, it’s a bit wanky but it does hurt they ignore anything I put up.

I asked after them. I also saw them regularly and I get that hasn’t really been possible due to lockdown so a bit different but now it’s easing off a bit.

Don't put things up, coffee.

Six months is a long time in the life of a mother and baby but flies by for everyone else. They probably think of you as only just having had a baby. In the meantime they have to get on with their own lives, which has not been easy for everyone in recent times, especially those with young children.

Enjoy the relative peace while it lasts, your friends will be 'back' soon enough. I'm sure they don't intend for you to feel ignored, it's just circumstances.

Congratulations on your baby!

@coffeeinapinkmug

Scared to ask me? Blimey.

Maybe I will know that when I have a three year old there’s no time to post on Facebook, except they are, aren’t they? So that doesn’t really hold up as an argument.

I meant they may have been scared that if they asked you it would turn out your baby was very seriously ill or had died. Generally in health matters it’s seen as intrusive to ask for updates unless you are family, because if the worst has happened the person will want to communicate it their own way in their own time.

@HaveringWavering if my friend's baby was in hospital, I wouldn't disappear! I'd message rather than call maybe but come off it, asking after someone isn't intrusive. It's lame not to.

[quote Nohomemadecandles]@HaveringWavering if my friend's baby was in hospital, I wouldn't disappear! I'd message rather than call maybe but come off it, asking after someone isn't intrusive. It's lame not to.[/quote]
Horses for courses. When my Mum was dying, and again when my brother was in intensive care after a serious accident I didn’t enjoy anyone asking for updates as I could barely find the words to respond. Did not blame those who asked, but could have done without it.

Something a PP touched on is that often when you are busy you assume that the person with the life event is too, so you assume that other people are meeting with them and making more effort than you and that thought makes you feel better.

I'm recently separated and I have been disappointed by some of the lack of contact. But something a single mum friend said to me years ago stuck with me - everyone is busy doing things with their own families and everyone assumes you have plans. Therefore, you have to do the majority of the reaching out. It's crap, but that's life.

You've posted on AIBU which is the topic you post on if you want to be roasted. Chat is where you go for a bit of empathy.
You are allowed to feel a bit sad. I probably would too.
I think it's mean to not press a like button. It takes a split second. A reply to a WhatsApp message is normal and to not is rude or mean.
I think you may be feeling sensitive but they are also playing their part in making you feel that way.
You will get more response from new baby friends as they are at the same stage in life as you.
Congratulations on your little one.