To want my friends to show more of an interest in my baby?

[coffeeinapinkmug]

I’m probably going to be flamed a bit here

I am 40. Most of my friends had children in the 33-37 age bracket so the youngest are now 3/4ish.

The thing is this. I’ve bought presents and cards and made a fuss and liked photos on Facebook. Now it’s my turn and nothing.

I know it’s a bit petty but it does make me sad.

AIBU to think they should perhaps feign interest, given I did for them?

I do lots of things like that but I’m 40. Some of these friendships go back to school days, I can’t just replace them like that (I know you’re not suggesting I do, I just mean that while I am meeting other people it feels like they are more likely to be transient.)

I think you're getting harsh replies.

It is really difficult when you feel friendships are uneven. Unfortunately there probably is a bit of "been there done that" at play and so they are less interested in your 6m old that you were in theirs. It's not fair but it probably can't be helped right now.

I think to deal with it you have a few options -

Tell them it upsets you, remind them you need support. They may or may not have the capacity to offer it.

Forget about it - in a few years the 3 year ago gap will feel much less and you will probably be able to reconnect

Find new (additional) friends for the interim. Baby groups, NCT etc.

But do you message them, e.g. send a cute video on WhatsApp or to a group chat saying “look he’s trying to say dada!” “We had our first time rolling onto tummy” etc etc, and they totally blank you?

Or are you just expecting them to come to you with interest/asking for updates?

Lockdown has been incredibly tough for people with young children. A lot of the things your friends might have done in normal times haven't been able to, now things are opening there are lists of family members who haven't seen kids for 18 months and trying to re-engage is a military operation. People are exhausted, I'm sure they do care and you're right you're not going to get the same as what your friends had from you when things were normal. But the world isn't the same any more, it's a shame for you but it doesn't mean your friends don't care, they just have a lot more to deal with, you can't really compare with the before times. I'm sorry though, it is hard for you.

To be honest tangled a few have just totally stopped messaging.

Yes I know it’s lockdown and their life is hard so I must not expect this.

Some do message but just about them!

To be honest I am wondering if they never expected me to have a baby, that I was the cheerleader.

They might not even be seeing your updates on their timelines on social media. If it's Facebook there are loads of posts from friends that never show on my newsfeed and I only see them if I search for that person. So it might not be that they're seeing updates and ignoring them.

Nobody really cares about other people's kids. Particularly when they have kids of their own to worry about.

They are probably struggling, try not to take it personally and reach out to them.

Think your lives are at different points! I have a 5yo and juggling work, school etc (bearing in mind the last six months have been horrendous in terms of the amount of juggling needed!) means I've not spent much time scrolling thru FB looking at people's pictures. I'm also convinced the algorithms have changed as when I have been on, I've only been aware of updates from a limited number of people so have your friends even seen what you've posted?
Looking back, I put quite a lot on FB in the first year, mainly because I was bored on maternity leave! But the people I was interacting with were family at a distance, new friends I'd made via toddler groups and friends who are a couple of decades older than me so well past the smaller child phase.

I think you are over reacting a bit I’m afraid. Did they message you for updates before you had your baby? My friends and I barely message each other unless it’s to plan a meet up. We catch up in person really. Obviously recently that’s not been possible but I don’t think I’ve spoken to my closest friends for a couple of months. We’d all be there instantly if needed but life just plods along - work, kids, hobbies, lockdown etc. I’m going to see some of them in August so we’ll catch up then. However if you messaged constantly before you had the baby and now they don’t reply that might be a bit harder to explain. What support do you want from them?

If your friends have young kids then they are probably utterly exhausted right now and as a PP says, do not have the bandwidth to think about whether that are making enough fuss over a friend’s 6 month old.

Also, the simple fact of the matter is that other people’s kids are not that interesting or important to you on a day to day basis, especially when you have your own.

Before DC I remember making a right old fuss of friends’ kids, putting thought into birthday gifts and making time to see them. Now, I see them when I see them and have reminders on my phone to send them something via Amazon prime the day before their birthdays. Best I can do I’m afraid. There are 14 kids in my group of friends so even that feels all consuming TBH.

It’s not personal and they DO care OP. You also probably wouldn’t be feeling like this had you not had your baby during the pandemic, as you would have had loads of opportunities to show your baby off and have people gushing over him. Hopefully you will get those opportunities soon.

@coffeeinapinkmug

To be honest tangled a few have just totally stopped messaging.

Yes I know it’s lockdown and their life is hard so I must not expect this.

Some do message but just about them!

To be honest I am wondering if they never expected me to have a baby, that I was the cheerleader.

You haven’t really answered the question though- if you send a baby update (photo/video), then do they acknowledge it and write something in reply? Or do they literally totally blank the message and write something about themselves instead?

I really think it could just be circumstances at the moment. Hard to say because I don't know your friends, but personally I am struggling to be interested in my own life, let alone anyone else's. But I haven't necessarily told my friends because I know they have their own issues at the moment.

Have you got the chance to see any of them over the next few months? Perhaps that'll give them the opportunity to focus on you and baby and you'll feel better seeing them interact with him. Social media is actually quite impersonal and a terrible way to gauge how much someone likes you. (But I do understand how you can be hurt by it.)

When you have children of school age you get so tied up in that age group. Friendships alter and some disappear. I know it is sad for you and I experienced similar with childless friends and remember having a little cry about it.

tangled why would I send a video to people who don’t even reply to hi, how are you?

The thing is they will put up photos, then I will, and so it isn’t that they just aren’t active on social media.

I get that being blunt about how boring my baby is is a MN ‘thing’ but that does go two ways and I played my part.

@KrisAkabusi

Nobody really cares about other people's kids. Particularly when they have kids of their own to worry about.

That is a lot of rubbish!

It’s totally normal to care about your close friends children. I always ask about them and my friends ask about mines. Pretty normal but we all acknowledge that our dcs are a big part of our life!

@coffeeinapinkmug I know you mentioned that these friends aren’t putting any comments/likes on FB. Do they acknowledge you in other ways on SM?
I’m wondering if the issue here isn’t your baby but a bigger issue. With the lockdown and friendship loosening up a bit, I think quite a lot if people have been reassessing their life and friends and are deliberately choosing not to engage with some people (when they did before).
The fact some of them haven’t contacted you at all makes me wonder about that iyswim.

I’m a similar age to you and one friend has recently had her 4th baby. While is definitely not as much as 15 years ago when the first baby of our group was born we all still send cards, ask about the baby, visit (when we are allowed) and react to her social media posts. Because even though there are a million kids in our group now they are all special wonderful little people. I think expecting your friends to share in your joy isn’t unreasonable.

@Scabetty

When you have children of school age you get so tied up in that age group. Friendships alter and some disappear. I know it is sad for you and I experienced similar with childless friends and remember having a little cry about it.

But the OP hasn’t lost a childless friend. She is being ignored by her friends who’ve had children themselves. She could have been the one to walk away when she saw them all having their dcs and she couldn’t. But she didn’t.

It is what it is I'm afraid. You'll find the same in families. The first nephew/neice is absolutely showered. I travelled from where I was living overseas to visit mine but when my kids came along they didn't give them the same attention, they'd moved on from the baby stage and we are always behind. That first born reaches every milestone first and it's a big deal but by the time mine do it's a bit whatever.

To be honest I am wondering if they never expected me to have a baby, that I was the cheerleader.

I just don’t think people think about their friends lives like this. They just have their own lives that’s it! You’re reading too much into things and seeing friendship as transactional. Just because you commented on their baby pics they aren’t obliged to do the same.

why would I send a video to people who don’t even reply to hi, how are you

If the are ignoring a simple “Hi, how are you” maybe they aren’t your friend anymore? Sorry this must be really upsetting for you.

I feel a bit the same OP. I had my third (which generally know one seems to give as much thought to) at the start of this year.
I had a few cards but not one of my close group of friends has been to see him.
What makes it worse they have planned 3 weekends away altogether so far this year to places I wouldn’t be able to even join them for the day. But seemingly don’t have the time to visit when invited. So I’m feeling a bit shitty too because I’d always try and be mindful of how to include everyone.
I’ve had to take a break from social media as to not see it all and is has helped. I’ve planned to do other things with my children and grandparents etc.
Hope you feel better soon x

@coffeeinapinkmug, Sounds like you are right and your role was to support their new families, but not have one of your own.
I would probably stop messaging them for a bit. Do you have family around you? Anybody you can show your baby off to? That’s what you need.

I’m available I love babies! Many congratulations and well done you, a baby at 40 is no mean feat.

I don’t think that’s the case consciously fun. I don’t think anyone has sat down and considered it in that way.

But as embarrassing as it is to admit this, for years I’ve been the tag along. I’ve been the one who has had to travel because it’s easier for one person to drive to a family than a family to drive to one person, for instance.

I 100% don’t mean this to sound arsey but lockdown with a newborn wasn’t a barrel of laughs either.

I don’t have anyone, so friends were always important to me.