To want my friends to show more of an interest in my baby?

[coffeeinapinkmug]

I’m probably going to be flamed a bit here

I am 40. Most of my friends had children in the 33-37 age bracket so the youngest are now 3/4ish.

The thing is this. I’ve bought presents and cards and made a fuss and liked photos on Facebook. Now it’s my turn and nothing.

I know it’s a bit petty but it does make me sad.

AIBU to think they should perhaps feign interest, given I did for them?

I thought you were going to say they were child free in that case yabu. When my friends started having kids I took very little notice of them lol I feel bad about that now .
But yanbu, they don't sound like nice friends, maybe they liked it when all the attention was on them. Find nicer friends , and congratulations on your baby

Ah and therein lies the rub. That’s very hard for you. Really hard.

I honestly think it’s their loss. Children are a gift, not just to their families, people who don’t see that are missing out.
@coffeeinapinkmug you are enough for your baby, you are all he needs. Just you. As he gets older hopefully you will make other friends.
I understand your hurt.

Ah I feel for you but he’s your world not theirs. I love DD to bits and find her so interesting but honestly I’m not too bothered about other people’s children. Also they’ve been there and done that so there is no novelty. I have a great friend who shares photos pretty much every day on FB and in the beginning she would get quite a lot of likes but it’s dwindled somewhat now. It’s not that people aren’t her friend anymore it’s just people have seen the baby a lot and don’t see the need to like everyday stuff. And I genuinely do think it’s boring to talk about kids all the time and just post on FB about that, if I see friends without DD she barely comes up in conversation.

Once things open up a bit more I’m sure when you see them with LO they will show lots of attention and love.

@coffeeinapinkmug

tangled why would I send a video to people who don’t even reply to hi, how are you?

The thing is they will put up photos, then I will, and so it isn’t that they just aren’t active on social media.

I get that being blunt about how boring my baby is is a MN ‘thing’ but that does go two ways and I played my part.

Okay I’m in my late 20s so I don’t have/use Facebook, and neither do any of my friends, so I may not really “get” this. But putting something on social media is not the same thing as actually contacting your friends, at ALL. And it seems really unfair on them to judge that they’re “ignoring you” based on Facebook likes. What parent with young kids has the time to scroll all the way through Facebook!? They could have 200 friends on there, and never even see your post because of the algorithm. I don’t get where you’re coming from at all.

Also, who starts a convo with a close friend by saying “hi how are you?”. If I saw that message from a friend I might just sigh and leave it for later, to be honest. My friends are more likely to message like “Hey I’ve got news!!” “Bump update!!” “Baby boy enjoying his first dinner!” Etc etc or by sending something… yknow… interesting. Then I would immediately open the message and reply. But with young kids myself I don’t have time for a whole “hi how are you” slow conversation.

Maybe try sending photos and videos direct over WhatsApp (you know, actually contacting your friends, instead of putting something on Facebook) and see how they respond.

Also if they’re putting up photos of their kids on FB, they might just be doing it so granny or great auntie Susan can see. They probably don’t see it as a substitute for direct interaction with their friends.

I think there's a few factors at play as others have said.

The later babies will always have less interest than the first. I was the first to get married and the last to have babies among my friends. My wedding was so exciting to everyone, my kids not so much.

Lockdown doesn't help either, I have a one year old and her arrival was greeted with significantly less excitement than her big sister's. Part second baby, part lockdown. People are drowning, frankly. And time passes quickly. Newborn to six months is such a change to you, but to your friends that will have been a blink of an eye as they try stay afloat.

I think a lot of us have had less time for friends lately, I know I've only really stayed in touch with my very closest friends, and in particular have clung to the ones with DC who were similar ages to mine.

This is a long way of saying, don't judge them too harshly or write off friendships just yet. See how things go as life (hopefully) returns to normal and also you come out of the baby bubble a bit. Meeting in person should make things more natural.

@coffeeinapinkmug

Six months, so obviously lockdown happened so that’s impacted some stuff. I did get congratulations when he was born, it’s since then really.

But there's been no birthday yet?

I think people generally have a lot going on.

Also some people have little or no interest in other peoples babies or other peoples children full stop. It’s not nice but it’s life. I do click the like button on photos and stuff as I’m scrolling past but rarely post anything about my own kids as most people really aren’t interested.

tangled I didn’t actually type out what I was putting and I do have more than one friend. I do get what you’re saying but the ‘I am in my late 20s’ (as opposed to my ancient state of being) and the firing comments at me is really upsetting me a bit, tbh.

mindy you always talk sense. I’m definitely not writing off friendships and logically I know that he just isn’t all that interesting all the time but it does hurt.

invisible I don’t generally only contact people once a year!

I think you're getting harsh replies here a s I totally get it

I am 40 and had my son 3 months before lockdown. Like you, I'm 5-6 years behind my friends who's kid are all school age now. I threw baby showers for them, drive to kiddie events to see them, made birthday cakes for the children.

I had my son and had a total of 1 card and a few congrats and contact has been sporadic at best.

I think it's totally crap and Covid hasn't helped but I've realised their lives have moved on and I don't really fit in with a young baby (now toddler)

Covid isn't much of an excuse as last summer I had play dates and days out where I could. Tried inviting them down in the school holidays but it was 'too difficult'.

I have found my NCT group to be the surprise new set of friends I'm grateful for. We're all navigating it together and sharing this wonderful experience.

I'm sure my existing friendships will still tick along and I reply to messages about school awards and how they are doing but I've stopped posting about my son so much or asking to see them as it seems our lives just aren't as compatible as they once were

Have you joined baby groups or got an NCT set to connect with? Although I'm always the oldest, I find there have been a handful that I've got lots in common with and started to focus on those friendships instead

why would I send a video to people who don’t even reply to hi, how are you?

“hi, how are you?” is a really boring message to receive, you open it and think it would be rude to just say “Not so bad, you?” but never get round to doing a full reply. Or you are not doing so well but don’t want to bring the mood down. So you never get round to replying.

On the other hand, you post a cute video and I enjoy seeing it, it gives me an instant update on how much your child has grown/developed and I can come straight back and say “as he’s gorgeous and so clever!. Hope you’re not finding it too hard with everything being closed. Here’s Charlie on the zip wire..”

Maybe try setting up some WhatsApp chats instead of using social media? I think that people often scroll through FB/Insta and think a nice thought but assume others will do the commenting.

Yeah your friends are a bit crap 😔

And I'm sorry but not replying to a simple 'hi, how are you?' because its "boring" is fucking pathetic and just plain rude. These are OPs friends going on 25+ years. She shouldn't have to send 'exciting buzz word' type messages to get attention

I think we are the FB generation and a lot of interaction is still via likes/posts/updates in this way, especially with kids.

Bless you OP, I am with you completely. I found myself always putting in more effort, showing more interest than I receive and it makes you feel sad. I was away on honeymoon for my 30th birthday so apparently I didn't need a card, mesage, ect. Another friend in the group had her birthday also while I was away so before I went away, as well as getting married and going on honeymoon I found the time to sort out birthday gifts which I left with another friend in the group. When I had our first DC they didn't show any interest and that sealed the deal.
I am no longer friends with those people, I now have a lovely friendship group that puts in equal efforts.
I am not suggesting you ditch your friends but maybe not make them a ppriority.

@coffeeinapinkmug I genuinely didn’t mean to upset you, so apologies for that I’m just trying to convey that Facebook isn’t the be all and end all, lots of people don’t use it at all (or maybe use it in a completely different way to you, e.g. to keep in touch with some relatives but that’s it), and you really can’t measure how much your friends like you by their interactions on Facebook.

It sounds like your not actually contacting your friends directly with baby pics and updates, and to me that seems to be the crux of the issue. If they’ve only really seen your baby pics posted on Facebook (and they may not even have seen them because of the algorithm/too many friends) then THEY might feel like you are not keeping THEM in the loop.

If I put a photo on Instagram and a friend liked it and commented, I wouldn’t really count that as an interaction with that friend. It’s just social media. So I equally couldn’t care less about who does or doesn’t like/comment. A Facebook like or comment is like walking past someone on the street and giving them a nod, v.s. meeting a friend for coffee. You’re not really “in touch” with them at all. It’s directly messaging friends which counts as intentional contact. You have no idea why someone hasn’t liked a photo on Facebook, maybe they didn’t even see it. It’s a completely meaningless interaction.

Also I’ve tried to offer helpful suggestions e.g. actually message your friends directly with a baby update and see if they start showing more of an interest then.

@HaveringWavering

why would I send a video to people who don’t even reply to hi, how are you?

“hi, how are you?” is a really boring message to receive, you open it and think it would be rude to just say “Not so bad, you?” but never get round to doing a full reply. Or you are not doing so well but don’t want to bring the mood down. So you never get round to replying.

On the other hand, you post a cute video and I enjoy seeing it, it gives me an instant update on how much your child has grown/developed and I can come straight back and say “as he’s gorgeous and so clever!. Hope you’re not finding it too hard with everything being closed. Here’s Charlie on the zip wire..”

Maybe try setting up some WhatsApp chats instead of using social media? I think that people often scroll through FB/Insta and think a nice thought but assume others will do the commenting.

This is 100% exactly what I’m trying to say (but articulated better!)

Why do you keep saying you have more than one friend? No one has suggested you have only one friend.

@coffeeinapinkmug

I don’t have anyone, so friends were always important to me.

Have you had your baby on your own? If so, that must be hard and you are right to expect that your friends would take a bit more interest than they might if you were in a couple. However to be honest your best bet for day to day chat is to find new friends with similar aged babies. I have an online FB group that is still going strong over 5 years later, and I tend to channel a lot of my child-related chat there, whilst maintaining my older friendships in a different way.

That said, you have been a bit unlucky- I had my son at 42 and was very much the last of my group to do so, but they knew how hard it had been for us to get there and most seemed to enjoy having a baby around to take an interest in again- we also got loads of hand me down clothes, equipment and toys, hardly had to buy a thing.

Pre DD I would always message my friends, asking after their kids (not always getting replies), like their photos online, buy little gifts, etc. But since having DD, I do find myself having less time to do that for others who have since had children.

My toddler takes up a lot of time. And I will quite often read a text and go to reply but have to stop my toddler from climbing a bookshelf and then it's forgotten about. It's not personal.

I do also think that with the babies born during the pandemic, people were excited for their arrival but lockdown, etc got in the way and the usual visits to meet the new baby have gotten lost by the the wayside.

I think it's ok to feel sad about it, but maybe make some plans with them (and their families), a picnic lunch in the garden where their kids can play and friends can have baby cuddles and chat?

I get the feeling you are probably one of these people that bombard social media with photos of your baby given that you are obsessing on 'like'... people HATE those people lol.

I never comment on photos of other friends kids but then again most dont regularly post their kids.

Thing is Im friends with the parents not the kids, I have zero urge to greatly 'follow' the kids live above a basic interest for the parents sake.

Usually lots of people 'like' the birth announcement and then not much else.

Checking the last photos I uploaded of my kids in my family photos albums and all the people that like and comment on my kids photos are almost always child free by the way - its not parents that comment on other parents kids photos.

@BradPittsLeftTit

And I'm sorry but not replying to a simple 'hi, how are you?' because its "boring" is fucking pathetic and just plain rude. These are OPs friends going on 25+ years. She shouldn't have to send 'exciting buzz word' type messages to get attention

I think we are the FB generation and a lot of interaction is still via likes/posts/updates in this way, especially with kids.

The issue with “hi how are you?” is not that it doesn’t contain buzzwords ( ), it’s that it puts all the onus on the person you’re messaging to come up with something interesting in response. It’s why people are advised not to say “hi how are you?” on dating apps. It’s basically saying “I’m giving you nothing to go on here, but you should give me something in response.”

Also if they’re friends or family then it’s not a formal meet-and-greet every time you message… just get to the point and message them the thing you wanted to say. Or if it’s been a few weeks and that feels abrupt, message something like “hey it’s been too long!!!! I’ve been so tired lately with Archies teething, I feel like a zombie. Have you started your new job yet?” Or whatever.

I wouldn’t “hi how are you” my worst enemy tbh.

@coffeeinapinkmug

I have more than one friend.

I had a baby six months ago. Some sent cards. Some did not. One gave me a card four months later which was better late than never I guess!

Since then I haven’t had his existence acknowledged in any way.

That is quite sad, for me.

That isn’t ‘odd’ bluntness. It may or may not be unreasonable but do not call me ‘odd.’

Why do you keep saying you have more than one friend? Nobody has said or suggested that you haven’t, everybody has responded to the actions of your plural friends.

You had the usual recognition that people get after having a baby. Your concerns is now social media likes? You are either not articulating the issue very well or yes it is odd.

I think I could be one of your friends (not really!). I had mine in my late twenties. Loved talking about babies and their pics. Now I'm fast approaching 40 mine are growing up, im finding that I detest baby related chat and pics. Its like I've grown out of it?! Don't know why or how it happened. I think as long as they acknowledged the baby's arrival and birthdays its okay. What ever they do just do the same back. If they never ask, then don't ask about theirs. If they stop sending cards, do the same.

Tangled nope, still the height of rudeness to not reply AT ALL to that message. And I think OP was giving an example, I don't think all of her messages are asking her friends how they are. And she's not trying to get a date from someone, she's contacting friends who she's known for decades

Most of the responses on here are frustratingly aimed at the OP changing her behaviour. Don't post on FB, no one looks, a like on Insta isn't an interaction, start a new chat on WhatsApp, send videos that are exciting.

Presumably she knows her friends, she knows the channels they usually communicate through and the sorts of interactions that are normal and she's upset that that interaction seems to be one way since the birth of her child.

So yes, she could change what she's doing but that doesn't change the fact that it's pretty crappy behaviour from her friends

@BradPittsLeftTit Well as other posters here have mentioned, if they get a “hi how are you?” type message they might just read it quickly but not have time to think of a proper response, because they’re dealing with a toddler/multiple children, they think “I’ll think of what to reply later” and then it gets forgotten about. OP is only in the baby stage, so might not fully appreciate that yet.

An actual update provided (e.g. a photo or video or piece of interesting information) would rarely be ignored. If if that kind of direct message was ignored, then OP would know their friends really were uninterested.

I, and others, are trying to actually help OP with her dilemma, instead of just saying “yes your friends are crap, it’s so unfair, make new friends”. Partly because I actually do want to help. But also because if a friend of mine said my behaviour was “crappy” and I wasn’t being attentive enough, simply because I’m not giving her likes on social media, when she hasn’t actually messaged me privately with any baby updates in a while, I’d think she’d lost her goddam mind.