To want my friends to show more of an interest in my baby?

[coffeeinapinkmug]

I’m probably going to be flamed a bit here

I am 40. Most of my friends had children in the 33-37 age bracket so the youngest are now 3/4ish.

The thing is this. I’ve bought presents and cards and made a fuss and liked photos on Facebook. Now it’s my turn and nothing.

I know it’s a bit petty but it does make me sad.

AIBU to think they should perhaps feign interest, given I did for them?

tangled you’re really causing me a lot of upset here, you know.

@coffeeinapinkmug In the kindest possible way, what @Tangled22 is saying is not unreasonable and I believe they are genuinely trying to help you.

You feel how you feel! You're allowed to feel upset & disappointed.
There could be so many reasons for it. For me, I guess it would be that I'm generally not very interested in babies and glad we're well past that stage in our group of friends. One has a 4 year old now and that's the youngest and I don't want to be responsible for it when I'm out with mine who are 9 & 10! I'm past finding it cute. BUT I'd NEVER let my friend know that and we did try to make a fuss when it arrived.

I think when we had our firsts, we were all carried away because we were excited about our own and it was all new.

It is a shame they can't put themselves in your shoes. But I suppose this pandemic business has given everyone a different focus.

[quote Bananapuppy]@coffeeinapinkmug In the kindest possible way, what @Tangled22 is saying is not unreasonable and I believe they are genuinely trying to help you.[/quote]
Agree. There’s a fixation on responding to @Tangled22 and not acknowledging some helpful posts from others.
@coffeeinapinkmug you’re hurt by their behaviour. We understand this. However, it seems ‘likes’ on social media seems to hold quite an impact. Maybe reach out to a meet up? Outdoors is 30 currently. Then see how the ground lies with relationships? It’s the only true way to judge. This year has been so tough for so many. We only know our own experience. You’ve got a new relationship and a new baby in lockdown - not to be underestimated in terms of emotions. The restrictions are exhausting for all she have impacted relationships.

I’m not saying what she is saying is unreasonable. I’m saying expecting me to list every interaction I have had with about seven people over the last six months is very unreasonable. And unfair as it would hurt my friends if I was to be identified.

It really isn’t about likes on social media either. It’s a general lack of interaction and engagement. When pushed for examples that is one but it is only one amongst many.

@HaveringWavering

OP, can I gently suggest that you sound like you are sabotaging your own happiness by focusing too much on your friends? I was also the single one for years but after I finally met DH it was not being like all the other couples that made me happy, it was just being with him. Similarly with my son, I just felt joy at being a Mum and having my own family, wasn’t really fussed any more about my place/role in a wider group. Can you maybe unpick -perhaps with a professional- why you’re still allowing these thoughts about being rejected/out of place to dominate and affect your happiness?

Yes, I’d agree with this. You are casting having a child as an inclusion/exclusion issue in your own psyche, but not everyone is playing by the rules you’ve set up. I also had my only child (by choice) years after my friends, so they were often dealing with their kids coming out, or experimenting with drink or exam pressure while I was elbow deep in nappies. I don’t keep a ‘tally’ on who showed more interest in whose child, and you should definitely also explore making other friends with babies the same age, for the kind of interest you feel you aren’t getting from your friends.

And bear in mind that if you view yourself as the one who does the running about after other people, it’s because you have chosen, it consciously or unconsciously.

I don't think it's about your friends having it harder than you, it's all subjective.
I don't think I have it harder with my toddler than my cousin who's baby is a year younger. But I have become rubbish at replying to any general chat message when, pre dd I was one of those annoying people who'd reply within 5 mins to almost every message.

I honestly don't think it's personal, and I do think maybe trying to make some plans with people over the summer might help you to see that they do still love you, they could be just like me and be swamped with daily life

I was the first of my friends to have a baby and there was lots of interest and gifts. My friends are now having babies and if I realised I’d forgotten to reciprocate I would be so embarrassed. It’s common courtesy. I had only nct friends to chat to re development etc so would be very happy to share my experience with any new mother among my friendship group even though I’m also busy/Covid/blah blah.

OP, could it be they are waiting to see you in person to bring a card/gift and meet the baby? They may not know if you’re happy to meet yet but given lockdown is over that’s cutting them a lot of slack. As pps have suggested I would reach out and suggest meeting in person. You’re still relatively flexible with baby in sling etc and it’s much easier in person to say actually I’ve been feeling isolated and need some support.

Although, if you directly messaged re hospital admission and they didn’t reply then that’s a very different situation and much more hurtful, it’s not clear if that’s the case from your replies.

It isn’t a tally. But I see I am unreasonable here for wanting a bit of contact!

I don’t think it’s harder either but as I have said, if I didn’t have DP and my baby my lockdown would literally have been in absolute isolation as it seems I can’t rely on friends and that’s quite frightening. If something happens to DP then, I’m pretty screwed aren’t I!?

I do think @Tangled22 's question about how you contacted them is relevant, as much as you think it's an interrogation.

If a friend sent me a text saying their baby was in hospital, I would reply to ask how she/baby was and could I do anything to help. I wouldn't continue to message because I wouldn't want to intrude.
If a friend posted on Facebook, I would maybe hit the "take care" response thing but see they had explained what was happening in the comments and I wouldn't necessarily comment or ask anything further, again because I wouldn't want to intrude.

People react very differently in situations, it doesn't mean they don't care.

Again, why not message them to make plans? Say you could do with some grown up company or meet up with families

msS it was six months ago! I can’t remember exactly how I contacted them and I’m sorry, I’m not inclined to go back through WhatsApp and Facebook messenger and find out Besides, it’s a general lack of engagement I’m about here, not judging one set of circumstances. It was that weird period between Christmas and new year when I know everyone is all over the place.

But I do think at some point in the five and a half months since someone could have asked how we are getting on!

@HoldingTheDoor

This 'blah, other people's babies are boring' mentality seems so at odds with the fact that we our supposed to care about our friends and by default, their children.

It's funny how no one seems to expect men to care about their friends' children. Only women.

My husband's after his mates kids and vice versa. How best friend will ask how me bad the kids are. My male friends will ask how they are and one comes to our playgroup and will happily run around after my kids.

How are you getting on OP?

OP,

I feel for you. YANBU and I’m sorry to say but from what you’ve put in your posts, no, they’re not your friends.

The way I see it you have 3 options moving forwards.

Send a group whatsapp (or individually if they’re not all friends) and ask to arrange a meet up, say it could be a mum’s night out without kids or a day date with kids somewhere if they prefer/ it’s easier. If no one replies or they all fob you off with ‘yeh maybe at some point in the future’ and won’t actually agree on a date then to me you have your answer, I wouldn’t be contacting those people again.

Or you message them and tell them you’re upset and why, if they’re good friends they should feel bad and want to rectify it. Again if not then you have your answer.

Or 3, you just forget them and see if they get in contact and again if they don’t then you have your answer.

However it pans out with your friends though, I’d personally look into apps that you can download (I’m sure there was one someone mentioned on here once and it was an app to make friends with new mum’s in your area) like meet up, join mumsnet local etc. Basically all you can do over the next 3 months before you’re back to work to make new mum friends. And in the meantime enjoy your little boy and your partner.

I agree about trying to make some new mum friends.

@MrsMaizel

Maybe when you are a Mum of a 3 year old you will realise that you don't have enough time to be on FB and checking on other people's children . 😬 Why don't you organise a Mum's night out but I can guarantee the last thing they will want to do is talk about anybody's children !

I was a Mom of a 3 yo with comes needs, I still managed to check in with my friends who'd had new babies. And when I was a Mom to a 5 yo who was being homeschooled in a pandemic alongside his month old twin brothers. Because I care how my friends are and make na effort to ask after the things that matter to them - the new baby, the widowed father, the new job, the new partner, the ill husband etc.

I had friends who had a baby several years ahead of me. When her baby was born she was the only topic of conversation etc. If I raise the topic of my baby she looks bored. Some people are just a little self-absorbed and don't remember and return kind gestures

@coffeeinapinkmug

I don’t think it’s harder either but as I have said, if I didn’t have DP and my baby my lockdown would literally have been in absolute isolation as it seems I can’t rely on friends and that’s quite frightening. If something happens to DP then, I’m pretty screwed aren’t I!?

But that’s true of an awful lot of people who live alone, in part because their friends living in households with partners and children were dealing with their own problems, which were just differently complex and frightening. People lost their jobs or their whole industry closed, their jobs became dangerous , their children struggled with homeschooling and isolation, they were trying to do two FT jobs requiring online meetings in a small space alongside homeschooling children, they or their children or their parents got sick or died, they were supporting elderly, ill or disabled family, friends or neighbours etc etc.

It’s not a fair time to be doing comparative studies of interest in one another’s babies.

@Oneandanotherone

How are you getting on OP?

How do you mean, sorry?

Thanks for the slightly kinder messages!

I’m not sheep I am literally talking about NO interest!

I think you are probably being a bit oversensitive. It’s been an exhausting time for everyone these last 15 months and if your friends are busy raising toddlers they probably have a lot on their plates. Try not to take it personally. Enjoy your baby for you, the fact is very few people are very interested in other people’s children- at least unless and until they build an actual relationship with them. It sounds like some of your friends have tried to make a bit of an effort sending cards at the birth etc which is really kind and thoughtful. Not much more is really required of friends in the first 6 months- other than to visit, which of course hasn’t been possible. I’m sure your friends will continue to be there for you in the future, but right now they probably have huge amounts on their plate and lack the mental space/ time to prioritise performing that much interest in your new baby...

But I do think at some point in the five and a half months since someone could have asked how we are getting on!

How do you mean, sorry? smile

I’m asking how you are getting on?

Have you asked them to make plans? Ask when they're free to have a chat, with kids or without?

If your friends have not been in touch at all in 6 months, then they aren't friends and I would suggest you forget about them.
If you want to continue a friendship, you need to speak to them properly, not a general "how's things?" Text message.

I guess I'm different in my thinking, that I can go months without speaking to friends, but then when we do speak or get together it's irrelevant who text who, or who didn't reply. Life sometimes gets in the way, it happens

@coffeeinapinkmug

tangled you’re really causing me a lot of upset here, you know.

Given your reaction to Tangled I think you are probably being unreasonable about your friends; this is extremely over-sensitive.

You are giving far too much weight to social media interactions, and you’re catastrophising about what would you’d do if something happened to your partner. This is not the thinking of a resilient person, OP. It’s unhealthy.

Are struggling with your mental health in other areas? Have you had PND? Is it worth talking to your health visitor?
Making local contacts with other parents of babies can help too.