To want my friends to show more of an interest in my baby?

[coffeeinapinkmug]

I’m probably going to be flamed a bit here

I am 40. Most of my friends had children in the 33-37 age bracket so the youngest are now 3/4ish.

The thing is this. I’ve bought presents and cards and made a fuss and liked photos on Facebook. Now it’s my turn and nothing.

I know it’s a bit petty but it does make me sad.

AIBU to think they should perhaps feign interest, given I did for them?

This 'blah, other people's babies are boring' mentality seems so at odds with the fact that we our supposed to care about our friends and by default, their children.

It's funny how no one seems to expect men to care about their friends' children. Only women.

OP it is very odd that your friends didn't ask about your baby after he was readmitted to hospital. How did you inform them? I can't imagine receiving a message like that from a friend and not responding at all.

Congratulations on your little boy. Now that things are re-opening, you'll have an opportunity to make new friends to share your experiences, you sound like a lovely person. I would have a break from social media, it might give your friends a jolt and they'll realise they haven't heard from Coffee for a while.

We have friends who are out of sync and had babies quite a bit later than the majority. Sadly it'll be a combo of pandemic fatigue and that they will be happy for you but in a different headspace.

OP I get what ur saying. I'm not in that position as most ppl I know all had babies same time as me but I understand ur point that these ppl could at least try to send a text to see how baby is or comment on a social media pic etc and for those nasty comments about stalking no that's not true at all. I totally can see where ur coming from OP

@Eastie77

OP it is very odd that your friends didn't ask about your baby after he was readmitted to hospital. How did you inform them? I can't imagine receiving a message like that from a friend and not responding at all.

They may have been very worried and scared to ask you. More importantly, how did they respond when you updated to say all was OK?

I think you’re being unrealistic. We all turned inwards and battened down the hatches during the pandemic.

Yes, it would be lovely for your friends to make a big effort for your baby, but that’s not what is likely right now. Lockdown was an absolute nightmare for parents of young children - our next door neighbours have been struggling with closed nurseries and both working from home, their kids going mad with boredom and cabin fever, worries about family they can’t visit.

Yes, having a new baby at this time is difficult, but in a very different way. They acknowledged his birth with gifts/cards, and then got back to focusing on their own stuff. You are presumably on maternity leave and only have a small baby to care for while they have toddlers , preschoolers, jobs etc to juggle. It’s full on.

If you want to see them, suggest meeting for lunch in a park or similar, where their children can have fun and they can chat to you.

Scared to ask me? Blimey.

Maybe I will know that when I have a three year old there’s no time to post on Facebook, except they are, aren’t they? So that doesn’t really hold up as an argument.

I get what you saying. You want more of a fuss being made by them asking how you and baby are doing and being more interested in your life. It does t take long to click like in a photo and send a quick text asking how baby is getting on

I don't know @coffeeinapinkmug why you're getting replies justifying your friends' behaviour. They are being awful and I would just stop proactively cheering their life and their children. It's common courtesy to reciprocate what you've done for them and if they can't even be bothered to do that, were you really that important in their life? Everyone's life is busy and difficult. Mine is too but that doesn't mean that I don't have a minute to ask after friends about how they are especially when they've had a baby. I know that my friends have very busy and difficult lives but they still have the time to ask after me and my child. It doesn't really take much time to post a gift either; there are so many websites (not just Amazon) dedicated for this. So being busy is really not an excuse because if you want to and you care about someone, you can always find time.

I understand what u mean OP. I have a friend who had a baby last year (my youngest is 9) and I have sent presents, text regularly for baby updates and like FB posts. Life is hard at the moment but you would expect your friends to be interested in your first baby.

Having a baby to care for can be overwhelming. But this whole lockdown thing and the fear of catching Covid, home schooling, dealing with elderly parents and all that has affected people in different ways. I'm aware that I'm neglecting friends now when I didn't previously. I suggest you get out and meet up with them, or pick up the phone, and reconnect with them as people. Other people's babies are never terribly interesting once you've had your own, imo. Don't take it personally, OP. It's easy to feel isolated, and normal. Gosh, I did when mine were small. Things will get better . In the meantime, enjoy your gorgeous baby.

Congratulations OP on your little one. I can understand why you’re feeling the way you do. I think lockdown has made it difficult for a lot of people. Those with younge children that would normally go to groups etc that have been cancelled, will have taken its toll on their parents.

I know friends that are at their witts end with the closures. They were just about coping with their preschoolers etc and so they can’t focus on anything other than simply coping.

Yes things are open now but I think it’s taken so much out of people that perhaps they aren’t thinking how they otherwise would. It’s like they’re in their own world.

I’m hoping to make you feel better OP, I’m not making excuses for them. Sounds like they could have stepped up more for sure but I do think this pandemic has taken its toll on people’s mental health and they aren’t functioning in a way they others wise would have xx

I was going to say YABU, because there’s nothing worse than someone thinking everyone around them should be treating their baby like the second coming. But actually I don’t think YABU at all, it’s crap of them to not reciprocate if you have cards and gifts and it’s really not hard to feign interest and throw the odd like at a Facebook post.

Why are you looking for attention and reassurance from others? You need to live your own life, be positive and then others might want to be part of it a little. lee. There is nothing more unattractive than a needy friend.... With every going on with covid at the moment people don't have the time or energy

Maybe this thread has been indicative of how different some friends groups are? Or some of the responses seem a bit odd…

I’m the last of my friends to be pregnant. I’m now 14 weeks. Almost all of my friends have a 12/13 year old, plus a 5-8 year old, and two have a 2-3 year old. They’re old hat at this stuff now…. But they are excited for my baby too.

I will say that telling them wasn’t the same exciting occasion that it has been for some others, but that’s mostly because we haven’t publicly announced yet, and therefore it was 1:1 and quite a surprise to most of them!

But in my friends group, I can’t move for Snapchats of babies and things. There aren’t masses of Facebook posts, but milestones and birthdays and events get posted.

@coffeeinapinkmug I think you have to judge this based on your friends and how things usually are. Do they seem like they are drowning? Do they seem to be using Facebook as much? Do they respond if you talk to them 1:1, or if the main topic isn’t the baby?

It is tough to be last. I’ve done endless soft play, babysitting, gifts, organising newborn presents, holding baby so they can sleep, doing all the long travelling, nights in so they don’t need babysitters stuff too… I don’t think that “comes back around”, so to speak, it’s just what needs to be done in those moments.

If your instinct says that these people aren’t really interested, or you are still the odd one out, I’d focus on finding new friends too. They don’t have to replace your old ones, but people with babies like yours, who will be up for doing the same things. I get that seems daunting to you, but you’re only 40… and adding to your friends might really help here. If you are right and they’re just not that interested; for whatever reason, you risk really isolating yourself if you lean on them and it gets worse.

There are plenty of people who will enjoy talking to you; and get excited about your baby. There are plenty of people with similar age babies who will want friends in similar situations too. You can change this, if you want to

They don't care because they have their own kids. They are too focused on them to think about yours. That's all it is.

They sound pretty selfish. A bit of an effort would be nice. Are they actually nice friends in other ways?

I can see where you are coming from, these ‘friends’ are wrapped up in their own lives and being very self absorbed. I try to remind myself and age and wisdom is a wonderful thing, I now don’t expect from others as people don’t do the same things back.

I would concentrate your time now on your own family and if possible make new friends at baby clubs/baby swim etc as you will need friends with children your child’s age, I’m not saying to not see your old ‘friends’ but I would definitely back off and perhaps forget their Birthday or purposely not ‘like’ everything they post on Facebook, I don’t want to seem petty but move on and enjoy your new baby.

@whatthejiggeries

I haven't read the full thread but frankly just because you are obsessed by your baby doesn't mean everyone else has to be. Once you have toddlers there's so much going on it's hard to squeeze time in to think about anything else particularly if you are back to work. Also many first time mums have a habit of overdoing the Facebook posts. I don't care if Daisy has just eaten her first mashed banana. I've got friends who post at least three times a week with their babies milestones which are no more special than those of every other baby that ever existed. It gets boring. I think your expectations are too high - other people have stuff going on in their lives they may just not talk or post about it

I was home schooling a shielding 5 yo and jiggling very young twins when lockdown happened as DH continued to work full time. I still managed a few seconds to text my new mom friends and see if they were ok, understanding that having a baby in the middle of lockdown is a different sort of hell to my own life. It isn't about lack of time, just inclination.

@coffeeinapinkmug

Scared to ask me? Blimey.

Maybe I will know that when I have a three year old there’s no time to post on Facebook, except they are, aren’t they? So that doesn’t really hold up as an argument.

You’re not answering anyone’s direct questions about how you’re reaching out to your friends. The PP asked “How did you inform them?” about hospital re-admission.

If you personally texted them, or messaged them on WhatsApp (or to WhatsApp group chat) and said e.g. “Scary news, baby has been readmitted to hospital” and they didn’t reply at ALL, then you have your answer! They are shit friends, obviously! Anyone who blanked that message from me, I’d consider cutting off.

If you did a post on Facebook about hospital, but didn’t tell any friends directly, that is a completely different thing. As has been explained many times. You don’t know if they saw it, it’s not the same thing as actually contacting a friend directly, etc.

The fact that you’re ignoring that question, and other questions from posters (like “have you messaged any of them asking them to meet up in the last three months?”), makes me think you're just sticking stuff on Facebook and annoyed you aren’t getting enough attention from it. Happy to be corrected if that’s the wrong assumption.

This year has been the strangest year, with circumstances very different for people, even if placed, on the surface, in the same group. Some enjoying furlough; some on it anxious about jobs. Some key workers, working throughout, exhausted and exposed, with life more challenging around this. Some more vulnerable to covid. Some with excellent remote learning from schools during lockdown; some struggling with balancing all. Not being able to travel to see people. Some choosing to avoid anything which adds in extra to think about; some relishing engagement with others. Maybe you and they were at a different stage in life when you chose to engage with all their updates?

I would say that although I sympathise as they at not being reciprocal, we cannot rely on that in life and shouldn’t expect it. We make our own choices as to how we engage. Maybe they’re giving a temporary message (life’s different at the moment) or a permanent one as to the future of the relationship? Or maybe your interpretation makes that decision? Personally I’d be moving on if hurt.

There are some good PPs about moving forward. Maybe you decide this is too hurtful for you and you move on?

Tangled it’s that sort of thing I find upsetting, I’m not being cross examined on the stand. Do you really expect me to detail every message I’ve sent to six or seven people over the last six months?

I am grateful for the responses. The problem is I’m talking about a group of people, I can’t (and tbh shouldn’t have to) list every single interaction over the last six months but there has been very little engagement or contact and that hurts.

Yes, I know covid. Believe me I know! Because there is a horrible realisation that if I had not met DP when I did, I would have been alone throughout it and just had to accept not speaking to another human for a year because they have kids, which is scary! So I’m VERY grateful for what I do have. And I’ve done lots of baby groups etc but I’m back to work in three months so not loads of time to make mum friends.

@coffeeinapinkmug

Tangled it’s that sort of thing I find upsetting, I’m not being cross examined on the stand. Do you really expect me to detail every message I’ve sent to six or seven people over the last six months?

Without knowing how you interact with them it’s hard to judge whether they are being selfish/unkind or not

@coffeeinapinkmug

Tangled it’s that sort of thing I find upsetting, I’m not being cross examined on the stand. Do you really expect me to detail every message I’ve sent to six or seven people over the last six months?

But people are asking really simple questions that you’re not answering No one has asked for the details of every interaction over the last 6 months. I think you’re being deliberately obtuse.

It’s a really simple question of are you messaging anyone directly (text/WhatsApp), or just talking about responses to a Facebook post? Surely you remember if you messaged any friends directly about your baby being hospitalised and they ignored you, which would be very hurtful thing you wouldn’t forget from a friend, or if that’s not what happened at all.

Fine, you don’t want to say. Lots of people have taken time to give advise about how you might get more fulfilling interactions out of your friends (eg. Lay off social media for a bit, contact friends directly with news and see how they respond), but if you don’t want to take the advice or hear whether you’re being unreasonable, then why post on AIBU frankly.