To want my friends to show more of an interest in my baby?

[coffeeinapinkmug]

I’m probably going to be flamed a bit here

I am 40. Most of my friends had children in the 33-37 age bracket so the youngest are now 3/4ish.

The thing is this. I’ve bought presents and cards and made a fuss and liked photos on Facebook. Now it’s my turn and nothing.

I know it’s a bit petty but it does make me sad.

AIBU to think they should perhaps feign interest, given I did for them?

There are some lovely replies here. Thanks. havering I’m not being awkward here I swear but I just don’t really know what you mean? I mean, if I posted that I only wanted my life to consist of DP and new baby ds surely everyone would indicate this perhaps wasn’t healthy?

@coffeeinapinkmug

That really is how it feels, random. And it’s rubbish. It’s also embarrassing as I keep thinking DP must think I’m friendless!

How much thought do you give to how many friends your DP has, and the level of interest they show in his child?

And if he does have couple friends who are showing an interest, that’s great. I’ve formed some really nice friendships with the partners of my DH’s friends and we sometimes do things independently of our husbands.

Hmm- I don’t think you are being unreasonable, however I absolutely think you should message along the lines of “hi xxx, would really love to catch up and for you to meet dd. Are you free on x or x for a meet up at ...”. You mention that lockdown has been relaxed but have you actually asked about meeting up? The hospital thing is very poor and if you called your friends to let them know and then they didn’t help YADefinitelyNBU, if you put something generic on social media YABU.

If I get a ‘how are you’ type message at the moment it is ignored because the real answer has been the same boring answer for a year and half. Bloody tired and a bit crap. I don’t want to burden anyone with that (especially a new parent!) but I don’t want to be disingenuous either. I understand that makes me a rubbish friend at the moment. We have three children (one born at the beginning of last year) and I have no energy for these interactions. It’s either be a crap friend, mother, wife, employee, or student and I can’t afford the latters to slip so the first has fallen by the wayside. This has been similar for a number of friends in the same situation and we now send picture updates of nice stuff because it keeps the conversation going, but in an easy, positive way.

I love my friends and if we meet up we all have a fab bond. Ditched Fb completely last year and haven’t been back.

If you are feeling left out/neglected I think maybe you need to tell your friends rather than mumsnet.

You say you have been friends since school but be honest, if you hadn't done all of the running all this time would you still be friends?

I'm not trying to make you feel bad OP but it sounds like you have been keeping these friendships going all these years and now its time for them to put in some effort they can't be arsed.

Thats not a reflection on you, some people are just lazy when it comes to friendships. And sometimes friendships naturally evolve into acquaintances.

Congratulations on your baby

And can you expand a bit in what you mean by “I don’t have anyone”? Do you mean family? My parents were both dead when my son was born and brother hundreds if miles away. It was extra hard, no doubt about it.

Sorry your feeling this way OP. Friendship should be a 2 way street. From your recent updates it sounds (to me) that you are over thinking things a lot. I have similar dynamics in some of my Friendship groups and never think of someone differently because they are single or childless. I love them for who they are. I have stopped using SM so it may appear to others that i don't care, i hate when too much emphasis is put on the way you interact on SM and i don't think it's healthy to expect that from others.

If your baby was in hospital and really noone showed concern that really is unacceptable. The rest should be 2way. Are you asking about their children and they are not doing this in return? Are you suggesting to meet and they are avoiding? If you are good friends and value each other it shouldn't come down to i made an effort so it is their turn. You may have more time or head space for this just now, try not to think about it as a who has it harder (this may not be your intention was just my interpretation from your post about will they always have it harder). Try to enjoy all your friendshipa for what they are amd if you feel you're over investing pull back a bit. Life is tough sometimes and busy. I hope it all works out for you OP.

Same here havering

It’s impossible to say if the friendships would keep going or not. Because I did have to make an effort but then you do I find so don’t mind.

I haven't read the full thread but frankly just because you are obsessed by your baby doesn't mean everyone else has to be. Once you have toddlers there's so much going on it's hard to squeeze time in to think about anything else particularly if you are back to work. Also many first time mums have a habit of overdoing the Facebook posts. I don't care if Daisy has just eaten her first mashed banana. I've got friends who post at least three times a week with their babies milestones which are no more special than those of every other baby that ever existed. It gets boring. I think your expectations are too high - other people have stuff going on in their lives they may just not talk or post about it

hello maybe they didn’t think about it but it obviously does come up. If someone lives a few hours away and they have a baby and toddler I’m not going to expect they bring baby and toddler to me. That’s fine. But now the baby and toddler are seven and five maybe a Compromise is needed.

Of course they could have secretly been thinking what a sad case I was but I hope not!

Yanbu. A little bit of interest isn't too much to ask from a good friend. Replying to a message doesn't take that much effort.
Congratulations by the way, I'm sure your baby is very interesting.
I had my second baby in the pre Christmas lockdown and I remember thinking, thank goodness she's not my first, because it would have been even tougher.
A baby, especially a 1st baby can be very emotionally draining, that's why friends and family support is so important.

You sound like a lovely friend what

I wonder what you are allowed to be obsessed by or interested in.

Work, exercise, cooking, relationships? But not your own kids?

You write you always liked their posts on SM, that’s your natural go to. What you probably didn’t notice at the time is how many others did this. That’s just an observation.

I think it's off that you're so focussed on social media likes and comments. I don't plaster my SM with my baby. I think you're NBU to want them to ask about how he's doing etc thoughf

Do people really care about their friends kids so little?

I'm not particularly interested in my friends' children. I ask after them because it's basic politeness and I send them a birthday card and some money but I'm not really interested in them as such.

Because I love my friends and their kids are offshoots of then

It's fine to be interested in them but it's also fine not to be imo. They might be an "offshoot" but they're still completely separate people. I don't have to love my friends' husbands or Mothers just because they're related to someone who is important to me.

Personally I'm just not that interested in other people's kids once they're past the newborn stage. I have a bunch of my cousins' children who I have never met even though some are 5 or 6 now. (I have 30 first cousins and many of those have 4 or 5 children)I don't feel that my life is any the poorer for it, so there's no loss for me and certainly no loss for them. They all have many interested family members to fuss over them. I'd contribute nothing to their lives.

I appreciate that the OP isn't quite in that situation so I can understand her feelings to an extent though I do think she's putting a little too much emphasis on these friends. Not asking about a baby who is in hospital is pretty terrible though.

[quote Tangled22]@coffeeinapinkmug I genuinely didn’t mean to upset you, so apologies for that I’m just trying to convey that Facebook isn’t the be all and end all, lots of people don’t use it at all (or maybe use it in a completely different way to you, e.g. to keep in touch with some relatives but that’s it), and you really can’t measure how much your friends like you by their interactions on Facebook.

It sounds like your not actually contacting your friends directly with baby pics and updates, and to me that seems to be the crux of the issue. If they’ve only really seen your baby pics posted on Facebook (and they may not even have seen them because of the algorithm/too many friends) then THEY might feel like you are not keeping THEM in the loop.

If I put a photo on Instagram and a friend liked it and commented, I wouldn’t really count that as an interaction with that friend. It’s just social media. So I equally couldn’t care less about who does or doesn’t like/comment. A Facebook like or comment is like walking past someone on the street and giving them a nod, v.s. meeting a friend for coffee. You’re not really “in touch” with them at all. It’s directly messaging friends which counts as intentional contact. You have no idea why someone hasn’t liked a photo on Facebook, maybe they didn’t even see it. It’s a completely meaningless interaction.

Also I’ve tried to offer helpful suggestions e.g. actually message your friends directly with a baby update and see if they start showing more of an interest then.[/quote]
Tangled speaks a lot of sense

@SwimBaby

It’s like when there’s a group of friends and the one who gets married last finds the others don’t make an effort to attend the hen do or the wedding. Obviously their life is at a different stage but it still sucks. I just can’t imagine not texting and asking how you are, are you sleeping, how’s the baby etc? I did that when my friends had DGC, got a new pet etc, etc.

I don't get this attitude though. I got married first, had a baby first, we are all still so excited for each others lives.

I'm a very good friend and I have a lot of friends and friendship groups. I just have I think a better understanding of the fact that my babies whilst important to me are not necessarily that interesting to the rest of the world and so aside from big events ie first day at school (love seeing those), birthdays, graduations etc I don't post and I don't like other peoples posts. I also understand my friends, like me, have busy lives. I think first time mums are often caught in a bubble where their world revolves around the child and they can't understand why everyone else isn't more interested. My advice is post on SM less so that people will interact when you do because it will be something interesting rather than xx is one month today, x just had her first tooth etc , and contact them for meet ups because if they have toddlers they are probably not getting round to it.

SleepingStandingUp I feel the same as you, if something is important to my friend then I take an interest.

I have a small group of very good friends.
We don't really show interest in each others kids.
Perhaps when they are first born we send congrats etc.
But we don't talk about the kids between us on group chats or anything.

Other people's kids are boring. I have one child and don't expect them to show much interest either. Doesnrt bother me, never really thought about it in fact!

Since then I haven’t had his existence acknowledged in any way.

I'm very sorry that you are hurt by an absence of 'likes' on Facebook or lack of attention generally. How are you finding the experience of motherhood. Is it perhaps day to day more hard slog and less sunshine and unicorns than you expected.

I played my part.

It might help you to realise that part of the attention you very kindly lavished in your friend's DC pictures and posts was exactly because at that stage you longed for a baby yourself. Are any of your friends in that position or are they all in the whirlwind patenting stage? Can you see how it isn't exactly the same?

Enjoy your time with your baby. Don't let the thoughtless behaviour by anyone else tarnish that.

I live abroad and was the last one out of my friends to have a baby. My friends were always interested. They love me and by extension have a natural interest in my children, and vice versa. They all have busy family lives and jobs. I work full time and my kids are small and I manage to check in with them regularly. This 'blah, other people's babies are boring' mentality seems so at odds with the fact that we our supposed to care about our friends and by default, their children. And if people really are disinterested, its polite to fake a bit of excitement. People are busy, kids are demanding, lockdown was very challenging, homeschooling got in the way, among many other aspects of the past year, but that's not the same as a general overall pattern that one's friends dont seem to care very much. I can totally see why this would be hurtful.

I’d be sad too, OP. Good, old friends should make time for each other. It doesn’t have to be hours and hours of time, but a quick check in on a new mum to see how she is or ask for the latest baby pic doesn’t take much effort.

Having said that, long friendships do tend to go through ups and downs and I’ve experienced being the friend who had a baby at a different time to my good friends. I had my children in my twenties, whereas my three best friends were 35-40 when they started families. I found it quite lonely at times for various reasons, and there have been periods when I felt a bit resentful of my friends. I found it hard when they were consumed with baby talk and my two were hitting their teens and we had a whole different set of issues!

I do think the pandemic will have affected all this. People seem to be living in their own bubble and real human connection has suffered. Have you thought about talking to one or two of these friends directly? Maybe a message or call to say ‘I really miss you. I’m feeling quite lonely as a new mum and would love to connect more’ type thing?

Having your first baby IS a big deal, and I don’t think you’re wrong to want to feel celebrated and supported.

Maybe when you are a Mum of a 3 year old you will realise that you don't have enough time to be on FB and checking on other people's children . 😬 Why don't you organise a Mum's night out but I can guarantee the last thing they will want to do is talk about anybody's children !

YANBU

I am sorry you feel left out.

I'd have more sympathy for your friends if they were child-free, but friends who do have kids know how overwhelming and life-changing it is, you'd expect some acknowledgement along the way.

Put it another way, I completely understand child-free people who don't care about babies and children, but the ones who are parents?

They are not very good friends.