To want my friends to show more of an interest in my baby?

[coffeeinapinkmug]

I’m probably going to be flamed a bit here

I am 40. Most of my friends had children in the 33-37 age bracket so the youngest are now 3/4ish.

The thing is this. I’ve bought presents and cards and made a fuss and liked photos on Facebook. Now it’s my turn and nothing.

I know it’s a bit petty but it does make me sad.

AIBU to think they should perhaps feign interest, given I did for them?

@BradPittsLeftTit agreed. Her friends are letting her down. That’s it.

I get this is hard OP and I’m trying to think of a solution. Firstly don’t think it’s about you - I haven’t RTFT but it’s all timings and lockdown. I think if you were able to meet friends they would know your new baby better and you would think of them more. Also there would have been events when you got together. It’s about attachment really. We’ve had babies on DH and my side over the last year we hear less about DH niece. His SIL doesn’t send pics etc whereas with my SIL she sends pics and videos all the time so we feel more involved. Perhaps just share more personally with them about your baby rather than on SM?

Also perhaps it’s time to organise a get together while the weather is good?

People only give a toss about their kids tbh. I think some of us childless try too hard to show an interest and be nice/generous to our friends with kids. In my experience small kids get absolutely tons of stuff constantly from various relatives and friends so anything you do or gift is pretty meaningless anyway.

OP I think lockdown has made things seem worse than they are. If you'd had your baby under 'normal' circumstances you would have been out and about, had the opportunity to meet other parents at baby activities and this situation with your friends wouldn't be weighing on your mind as much. As many people have told you, this isn't personal. If your friends have small children of their own it's likely they simply do not have the bandwidth to like SM pics etc. Given all the restrictions in place due to Covid there's not much they can do really beyond the efforts they have already made (sending cards etc).

What precisely are you expecting from them?

I keep saying I have more than one friend because I’m not actually literally sending a message saying ‘hi, how are you’ to every single one of my friends! It was illustrative more than anything.

I don’t think I bombard social media. From 2016 - 2021 I would maybe update once every two months with a cat photo or something now it’s more frequent, maybe once a week, sometimes twice? But that’s about what they all do so not sure it’s about me bombarding social media.

I’m in the NCT and I do have a partner but as I’ve said I’m talking about very long standing friendships here and the thing about the NCT groups is it’s sad seeing other babies being made a fuss of while mine is ignored! I know he doesn’t care but I do.

I think people on this thread are being horrible to you OP.

I have 2 young children and I am not too busy to send a message to a first timer mother asking how she’s finding it, and chatting through anything she wants. I was in the middle of the having children thing with my friendship group, and those who had had children even several years ago made a big effort - offering me a baby bouncer, advice on breastfeeding, telling me if stuff was normal or not etc.

Those friends of mine who have had children after me I’ve been in regular touch, especially during lockdown when the other support they might have will be less available. And I am actually genuinely interested to know how they’re getting on.

If you were after daily messages then yeah that’s a bit much, but wanting someone to ask after how you are finding motherhood and how your baby is at some point between them being born and being 6 months old? Yeah, your friends are self obsessed dicks. Especially given you had to overcome your personal upset at the time of not having your own kids.

See also: people who get married first and want a bit fanfare but by the time their friends (who came on the hen and made a big effort to be good guests at the wedding) get married, weddings are old news and they can’t be arsed to repay the favour.

Being at a different stage of life is no excuse. When your mate has something going on, you make a reasonable effort to be supportive and interested. Your life doesn’t have to revolve around it, but don’t be totally absent FFS.

I’m sorry OP and congratulations on your baby

Also as an aside, my sister is in her mid 20s, her boyfriend his late 20s and they and all their friends have Facebook so what am I missing there?!

*big fanfare

Sounds like most of them sent a card, and a delay in that isn't unreasonable, as not everyone will keep one 'about' to send, and going out to buy one wasn't an option for a lot of people. Sending one late seems rather brave to me than anything unpleasant- they may have done it as soon as they reasonably could. These aren't normal times, so you can't judge people by normal standards. Given the timing, wouldn't people with kids would have been home schooling and trying to work when the baby was born? I don't know how people managed that as it is, it must have been totally exhausting (I was a teacher and I have at least some idea of how tough home schooling must have been for parents).
I'm not sure what it is you really want them to do. Does a few likes on social media really make a difference? I try to take an interest in friends' kids (though I have none of my own) but if you can't see and meet them, it gets difficult to say anything very relevant. I care a lot for my nephews and nieces, but circumstances and locations mean I rarely see my nephews and haven't seen my nieces for many years. It's hard to even work out what they would like for birthdays and Christmas. Perhaps when you start meeting up with friends again with your baby, and they see him/her in the flesh, so to speak, you'll get more interactions about it.

OP I think lockdown has made things seem worse than they are. If you'd had your baby under 'normal' circumstances you would have been out and about, had the opportunity to meet other parents at baby activities and this situation with your friends wouldn't be weighing on your mind as much.

I agree. It's a difficult time right now, and your friends have probably spent the last year struggling with homeschooling and other drama. Also, it's hard to maintain friendships through online connections alone. Things will get easier as RL meetups come back.

Well, I’d disagree actually

1. Not everyone sent a card or gift when he was born.

1. He was readmitted back into hospital after birth and no one really asked after us.

1. Acknowledging him / me on social media / WhatsApp / messages would be nice

1. Lockdown rules have been lifted for nearly three months

So - yes - they are busy but there is an element of not being that bothered too.

And people saying what do I want them to do - I mean honestly, what do you do with your friends!?

That!

That sucks OP, I always try and be interested in my friend’s lives and make a fuss of them when they are going through something that is important to them. Be it their DC is leaving home or they are studying for a degree etc.
I do think a lack of interest could be lockdown timing and some of it is been there, done that as far as babies are concerned.

Lockdown with a 3/4 year old is infinitely harder than a lockdown with a 0-6 month old (I would know I've done both - my newborns are actually twins). I don't expect to have them continually gushed over - we are coming out of lockdown, people going back to work and starting to feel free and wanting to take their kids on days out etc - everyone has lives they want to get back to living and stalking social media to like friends posts and getting in touch with other friends has taken a back seat to actually enjoying freedom with my own family.....

YABU, maybe come off social media if that's how your feeling.

@coffeeinapinkmug

tangled why would I send a video to people who don’t even reply to hi, how are you?

The thing is they will put up photos, then I will, and so it isn’t that they just aren’t active on social media.

I get that being blunt about how boring my baby is is a MN ‘thing’ but that does go two ways and I played my part.

You "played your part", but at a time I'm your life when you had the spare head capacity to be able to do so.

They're now, unfortunately, at a different stage in life, a rather difficult one that has been made massively more difficult by Covid / lockdown/ childcare & school closure / WFH.

I understand that you may be feeling neglected though, but it's likely not a reflection on you, just an unfortunate combination of events, timing, and where they are right now.

‘Stalking’

Why should I have to come off social media? Because of my ‘stalking’?

Op I think you are not UR to feel like you do but there's not much you can expect from people right now. Honestly I'm so swamped by my own kids, I really haven't had time to check on or message many people. This last year has been rough and tough on people and many are just wrapped up in their own stuff. I'm sure they do care but just bogged down.

Also, if you want help, have you asked anyone directly? That might break the ice. Some people don't like butting in, but will get involved if given 'permission'.
As for slipperydippery calling your friends 'self-obsessed dicks', I would try not to allow myself to slip into that way of thinking, because once you start thinking that way rather than thinking 'maybe they have their own problems, perhaps I could contact them and ask them how they are doing', you will find that thinking badly of them will change your own attitude to them and you'll soon lose those friends. It's one of those 'self-fulfilling prophecy' things.

Yes I do know last year has been tough, it wasn’t really a breeze for me either in fact.

Babies just aren't that interesting, people don't want to intrude and, to be blunt, you are a 40 year old woman getting upset because you're friends aren't liking your Facebook posts.

It's lovely you made such a fuss of your friends dc, it is. But you can't then expect them to do the same for you, of course it would be nice if they did but they aren't obliged- even without the extra burden of the last year or so it's a lot to have to fawn over your pfb because you're not feeling the insta love.

Enjoy your baby and stop stressing over social media, if there are friends you particularly want to see then reach out and make plans or let them know how you're feeling.

Lockdown rules have been lifted for nearly three months

Have you suggested meeting up and been knocked back? Or are you waiting for one of them to suggest it first?

We’ve established that your messages actually don’t just say “Hi, how are you?”. So what sort of thing are they ignoring?

(I’m not trying to trick you into saying something that we can all just pounce on and say “see, of course YABU!”.) genuinely trying to understand a bit more.

And yeah I guess there is also an element of being at different stages in life - I can imagine it's harder being the last/oldest friend to have a baby and so there is a big age gap between your baby and their children...life moves on unfortunately and quickly and taking a 3/4 year old and older to visit a newborn is often fraught with more stress than it's often worth...you can put your baby in a sling though and could offer to meet them in the park or something?

I've found this too in friendships and even with family as we also had ds later. They had all moved on from the baby years and being interested in baby chat, apart from my mum and dad (who were too old at the time and are now both gone) they were not really involved much as they did things with their older kids. I didn't take it personally.

I’d ditch the SM too, you sound like you place too much emphasis on it. Two pictures a week is a lot, I’d not be liking or commenting on them either at that frequency.

I think life is complicated enough at the moment and people are more focused on their own families than other peoples.

Many people usually have zero interest in other people's babies - some do feign interest but that's quite unusual.