To want my friends to show more of an interest in my baby?

[coffeeinapinkmug]

I’m probably going to be flamed a bit here

I am 40. Most of my friends had children in the 33-37 age bracket so the youngest are now 3/4ish.

The thing is this. I’ve bought presents and cards and made a fuss and liked photos on Facebook. Now it’s my turn and nothing.

I know it’s a bit petty but it does make me sad.

AIBU to think they should perhaps feign interest, given I did for them?

I know they have their own problems but I guess this is why I’m sad about it. It’s like the onus is constantly on me to ask how they are rather than vice versa. Obviously having a baby meant a lot but I did think I’d finally feel normal but it seems I’m still the one expected to do the running because mine is, well, a baby.

Does this continue throughout life? They will have teenagers so it’s harder, then young adults so it’s harder … I’m not having a go at anybody, by the way, I’m just pondering really.

No-one 'really' asked how the baby was when it went into hospital? What do you mean by 'really'? Did they ask, or did they not ask? How did you react when they did ask? People can fear even asking about sick kids in case things have got suddenly worse. Some parents don't like being asked at such a time.
I think I'd take a deep breath, forget the past, and start from now. Contact some friends, and ask how THEY are doing. And you might get somewhere.

Those saying people with kids are too busy to message are talking absolute BS. You make time for people you care about. It literally takes 2 mins to ask someone how they, and their new born are.

I almost feel as if there’s some sort of back story, I couldn’t imagine a friend of mine having a baby and not checking in from time to time. The OP isn’t asking for much , Just for them to ask how she’s coping with motherhood and maybe give her tips on weaning, sleeping, development ect.

I totally get it OP. Your friends are being really shit. And it really doesn’t matter if they had kids before you, they should still care.

OK blue. No one asked. I’m so sorry I used the word really!

I don’t know that there’s a backstory. As I’ve been typing I’ve realised how I’ve felt so isolated for years really, because my family was different, then I was the single one, then the childless one. I suppose naively I thought the baby would be a leveller but I’m still the odd one out and it feels like I always will be!

YANBU it seems like you have been allocated a "role" of supporter and cheerleader and you and your needs don't matter. I'd be hurt too!

That really is how it feels, random. And it’s rubbish. It’s also embarrassing as I keep thinking DP must think I’m friendless!

I get you op. A group of us had babies over a few years together so the babies are 3-6 now. I had late second so mine are younger but friend had her first after that. We made sure she knows she can always come and ask us if she needs advice, and in the early weeks we checked in on her. He's a lockdown baby too but a bit older than yours. We let her know how much we want to meet him and he got the same group present that all the other kids did. Those of us with kids but each others kids presents for Xmas and birthday so he got a Christmas present too even though she didn't buy ours (because adding one extra one on is totally different to suddenly buying for 7 kids so we don't expect her to).

Whatever else is going on in our lives, we care about each other and how everyone is doing, whether they have new babies or are jiggling homeschooling or moved home to care for a parent during the pandemic or are working crazy hours front line. We check on everyone. I'm sorry they've not been supportive

I hear you OP. I had a lockdown baby but was the opposite to you - I was one of the first of my friends to and was really saddened by lack of interest. I know my baby isn't interesting to other people, the same as weddings etc, but they are my friends and I thought that was part and parcel of being a friend was checking in on people who have had major life changes/asking them questions/wanting to see photos. I would always do these things because I know it makes the other person feel good and I think it is very selfish not to.

I was the single one, then the childless one. I suppose naively I thought the baby would be a leveller but I’m still the odd one out and it feels like I always will be!

Yes unfortunately this will always be the case if you are on a different timeline to your friends. My friendships have ebbed and waned depending on our respective timelines.

friendships are usually built and sustained on shared experiences. The old saying "friends for reasons friends for seasons friends for life" does ring true.

Once your friends are older and everyone's kids are at the teenager/young adult/adult level you should see more of a "levelling"

OP, can I gently suggest that you sound like you are sabotaging your own happiness by focusing too much on your friends? I was also the single one for years but after I finally met DH it was not being like all the other couples that made me happy, it was just being with him. Similarly with my son, I just felt joy at being a Mum and having my own family, wasn’t really fussed any more about my place/role in a wider group. Can you maybe unpick -perhaps with a professional- why you’re still allowing these thoughts about being rejected/out of place to dominate and affect your happiness?

Some of these replies are so crappy. Thank fuck my friends seem to show an interest in my life and my DCs, as I do in theirs. No we don't contact each other every day and I don't for one minute think that's what you mean, some posters seem to be deliberately 'misunderstanding' or putting words in your mouth. These posters must be such shit friends.

I reply to a message from you or a 'hi how're things' is really not too much to ask. I can't think of any friend of mine that I haven't at least tried to make an effort with when they've had a baby. Of course I'm more focused on my own family, everyone is, but FFS if you can't spend 20 seconds to send a quick text to someone, that's a bit shit.

And you're not odd OP.

If you’d been the first in your group to give birth there may have been more attention as it’s a novelty. By the time everyone is 40 most people have had kids so the novelty has worn off.

I don’t remember sending baby cards to anyone tbh - I got presents for the friends I saw after giving birth.

@MagicSummer

Many people usually have zero interest in other people's babies - some do feign interest but that's quite unusual.

Do people really care about their friends kids so little? I shoved a swab up my nose just to be able to cuddle my friends baby because I knew it meant a lot to her, she always asks after mine. I have groups set up with other friends where we mainly discuss the kids and I'm genuinely happy X won at sports day or Y finally peed in the potty. Because I love my friends and their kids are offshoots of then

@HaveringWavering

OP, can I gently suggest that you sound like you are sabotaging your own happiness by focusing too much on your friends? I was also the single one for years but after I finally met DH it was not being like all the other couples that made me happy, it was just being with him. Similarly with my son, I just felt joy at being a Mum and having my own family, wasn’t really fussed any more about my place/role in a wider group. Can you maybe unpick -perhaps with a professional- why you’re still allowing these thoughts about being rejected/out of place to dominate and affect your happiness?

I also agree with this.

Women in particular do place a lot of emphasis on friends, what friends think of them, how they fit into the group, are they getting the same number of invites, cards, attention compared to others etc.

It’s a big waste of energy. Time to focus on the new family unit.

You sound lovely, and it’s nothing to do with you, it’s 100% them! They probably saw you as the friend with no child and got used to that narrative-
It could be, or maybe your not as close to them as you thought?

I know people will bash social media but I get that too, unfortunately we do live in a more digital world these days.

we’re the supportive during your pregnancy?

OK, it’s a bit wanky but it does hurt they ignore anything I put up.

If you were not in the habit of posting that frequently and are now posting more, some of it might by down to FB algorithms. Your posts may not be flagged up in their timelines. sometimes I wonder if someone has disappeared off FB and it's just that FB has decided I don't interact with them much and show stops showing me their posts.

Otherwise I think what you're experiencing is the realisation that some seemingly close friends are more geographically convenient/ longstanding, friendly acquaintances rather than true friends. It is disappointing if you thought they were closer than they are.

Congratulations on your little boy, OP.

For me, friendships change and compartmentalise as you get older and they tend to be based on mutual interests.

I had my baby at 44 (obviously no pandemic then) and I made new mum friends at NCT and similar baby groups. They were all younger than me but none of us had experience of looking after a baby so they were invaluable friendships in the pre-school years.

I don’t think any of my longer term friends (some with older children), were remotely interested in my baby and I didn’t expect them to be, as our friendship was more adult based and I wouldn’t generally have taken DS with me when meeting up with them.

I do think you need to reduce your expectations a bit and widen your friendship group.

I don't have a family so it was really only my friends that could provide that and when a couple moved away and moved on both me and my DC really felt their loss in our lives they have their extended families and new friends and I barely hear from them/get messages acknowledged.

Arghhhhhhhh it hurts.

I feel for you, and I completely agree your feelings are valid.

I'm in a similar position, where majority of my close friends married in mid to late 20s and now at 34 have had children/finished their family. We've known each other since we were kids. I was there through their big moments for engagement, marriage, babies and I fear that if I'm lucky enough to meet someone, I'll a decade behind everyone.

I'm already experiencing this, I have dedicated myself to building a very successful career and have broken the glass ceiling, but some friends have very little time to speak about my life. It is all about them and that's not fair. It's only three friends so far like this, but enough to impact me.

The flip side of this, is I've developed new friendships through work and networking with people I would never have previously met. Which has been a wonderful surprise that I get to enjoy the theatre, museums, travel, great restaurants with really cool and fun people. Ironically, some of my other friends get quite put out by this.

Might be time to start meeting new people (restrictions permitting)?

It’s like when there’s a group of friends and the one who gets married last finds the others don’t make an effort to attend the hen do or the wedding. Obviously their life is at a different stage but it still sucks. I just can’t imagine not texting and asking how you are, are you sleeping, how’s the baby etc? I did that when my friends had DGC, got a new pet etc, etc.

Op you were child free when you gave them all this attention. They are not child free. They don't necessarily spend the time scrolling through social media to check your updates.
Yabu.

You made the effort but not everyone does. I can see why you are hurt. I would be too. Work out if they bring other positives to your life. If not, concentrate on developing other mum friends, which has been limited up to now because of covid, but should be easier now that groups etc are opening up.

Op you were child free when you gave them all this attention. They are not child free

She’s not asking for loads of attention just the occasional contact to see how her baby is. Having children is no excuse for not doing that and no asking how her baby is after readmission to hospital is unforgivable.

The world has changed OP, over the last year people have become more self absorbed - sounds dramatic but it is a survival response. People are not acting normally. Congratulations on your baby. Baby groups are now up and running again and a good place to meet people at the same stage of life as you. 💐