AIBU to contact friend after ghosting her?

[friendinneed2]

I got a job, and they've asked for 2 character references minimum. I have a really good friend who I haven't spoken to for a while because I was dealing with a lot in my personal life. Problems with ex, my mental health and self worth/esteem. I spoke to her regularly, and we spent a lot of time together. In February I said to her I was going through alot, and I just needed a break and would be back in touch. She has texted me a few times asking me to come round to her house but I haven't replied yet. I feel better now that I got a job, and getting my life together. And I always planned to get back in touch with her.

The thing is I need a reference for my job, and without this they won't let me work.

So AIBU to ask my friend for reference and explain the situation and apologise for taking so long? Or does it look bad?

Would you reply if you was the friend? Of course I'll still speak to her and arrange a Meetup soon but I just don't want her to think I'm only using her for the reference.

"@TatianaBis Is that the best you can do?"
What is yr best on this thread @Tatty?

@friendinneed2

Very cheeky. I would ignore you.

Do it at your peril, and don't be shocked if she tells you to get tae fuck!

Are you still at it?

Go to bed @TatianaBis . Too much gin can be a ruin. Night sweetheart.

You wouldn't like the character reference I'd write in these circumstances. It takes seconds to reply to a text.

Just leave her alone at this point.

I think, for me, the problem would not be the fact OP needed some time out due to personal or mental health issues. That is fine- though 4 months without any contact is quite a long time and I think I’d be concerned and might contact a friend who had asked for space but not contacted me in months.

I think if that friend could not even muster the ability to reply- even a very simple “sorry, still need done more time”- I would be concerned that they were really quite unwell. Or wondering whether they had actually decided to end the friendship.

If I subsequently discovered that during this 4 month period during which they were incapable of a quick reply to even one text, that my friend had been able to job hunt, apply for jobs, and successfully interview for a post, then I think I would be questioning whether that friend actually valued my friendship. That is not how a friend behaves.

If that friend then contacted me suddenly, after months of radio silence/no response to contact, I’d be happy but wary. If the first thing they did was ask for a reference, I’d probably think I was being used. Because that is how it looks. And it probably looks that way, because it is what you are doing. Be honest, OP- would you be in contact with this friend now if you did not need the reference?

If you want to be back in contact, then get back in contact. But be careful re your first action being asking for a reference.

The word 'ghosting' suggests that you deliberately cut her off, rather than dropping your contact for a while. I think some people might feel put out by the perception that they were being picked up and dropped to suit someone else. If you want to reconnect, get in touch with her on a friendly basis. Find someone else for the reference if you can.

It's a no from me.

Lolz

Seems like you’ve only messaged her because it benefits you….

A friend did this to me 3 years ago. Ghosted me but she was the one I asked for a reference as she was supposed to be my best friend. Didn’t get it but got a family friend. In the end she apologised a month or so later but I’ve never forgiven her and I won’t. You ghosted a friend deal with it. She doesn’t need a friend like you.

I so agree.

I really hope the OP realises in the real world 4 months is nothing.

I haven't seen some friends in 12 months and am only very intimitintly in contact because that's just how I'm feeling, but that does not for a minute mean we are no longer friends.

I played tennis today with 3 women and we had coffee, we all spoke about feeling a little lazy/disconnected/can't be arsed.....we all totally got it.

Lots of people are processing grief, loss, shit, kids, bla, bla, bla......they just are not themselves and need space.

I'm blessed.

I get this.

So do ALL my friends.

We love each othet but we will always give each other space respectfully...

Why?

Because sometimes people have shit going on and just want space.

It's about respect.

Respect for shit your friend might just be going through that YOU have NO idea about.

Just respecting your history together and knowing that you will be there for her, when she needs you.

And she would also be there for you.

These are my friendships.

YABU

I would ignore you, like you’ve been ignoring her.

I appreciate you’ve been going through a lot but not even replying to her saying sorry you don’t feel up to meeting up is really rude and mean. You absolutely would be just using her for the reference if you message her now.

I’m sorry that you’ve had MH issues but I don’t think that’s an excuse for not responding at all, even to say you appreciate the text but you’re not up to chatting or anything else. What if she has had her own problems? I think you’ve got a brass neck to ask at all, and I’m her shoes I’d either say no or write you a decidedly lukewarm reference. But I genuinely think you have bigger problems here, you’ve been really cruel.

[quote LadyMargaretBeauforte]**@TatianaBis yes, it is. I have dignity and will not enter into a spat with you ( a random on the Internet).

This is OP's thread. Put yr guns away @TatianaBis and grow up.
[/quote]
So rude and goady,

@LadyMargaretBeauforte

I see you have been busy reporting totally innocuous comments of mine. Have you really nothing better to do?

Or does it look bad?

It’s pretty obvious you couldn’t give a shit about your ‘friend’ and just wanted your reference and more bothered not to look bad bit late for that! Everyone goes through bad times but it’s not an excuse to ignore a good friend multiple times.

You are a user, and would be very lucky if she agreed.

From the tone of your post, it does not sound if you are going to learn anything from this, and will act in the same manner again.

You are no friend.

I would see right through you and not give you a reference, sorry.

@TatianaBis not me. I did not report you. If your comments have been removed you need to look elsewhere. Maybe you have offended someone else? Absolutely not me. I have only just woken up to see this.

Sure. Why would replies to you offend anyone else. They were totally innocuous and not engaging in your rudeness and goading.

As someone whose friend is currently doing what you did I would tell you to fuck off.

@TatianaBis no idea. Ask MN . Maybe others found yr replies to me offensive. I DID not report you . I will if you carry on.