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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to contact friend after ghosting her?

250 replies

friendinneed2 · 19/06/2021 14:23

I got a job, and they've asked for 2 character references minimum. I have a really good friend who I haven't spoken to for a while because I was dealing with a lot in my personal life. Problems with ex, my mental health and self worth/esteem. I spoke to her regularly, and we spent a lot of time together. In February I said to her I was going through alot, and I just needed a break and would be back in touch. She has texted me a few times asking me to come round to her house but I haven't replied yet. I feel better now that I got a job, and getting my life together. And I always planned to get back in touch with her.

The thing is I need a reference for my job, and without this they won't let me work.

So AIBU to ask my friend for reference and explain the situation and apologise for taking so long? Or does it look bad?

Would you reply if you was the friend? Of course I'll still speak to her and arrange a Meetup soon but I just don't want her to think I'm only using her for the reference.

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 19/06/2021 22:58

If you have been a good friend then I would do what I could to help you. I would not be telling you to fuck off. MN is not typical of the real world.

Cornwallnewbie · 19/06/2021 22:58

I’d be happy to do your reference and still be your friend, as long as you weren’t going to ghost me afterwards.

I have lots of really good friends I’m not necessarily in contact with all that often

TatianaBis · 19/06/2021 23:00

It would be rather odd if they found my baffled replies more offensive than your personal attacks.

Either way - enough now.

LadyMargaretBeauforte · 19/06/2021 23:03

@TatianaBis i have now reported you.

TatianaBis · 19/06/2021 23:09

For pointing out your personal attacks? Fine, I’ve already reported you.

LadyMargaretBeauforte · 19/06/2021 23:11

@TatianaBis good. Go to bed now.

ImprobablePuffin · 19/06/2021 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LadyMargaretBeauforte · 19/06/2021 23:14

@ImprobablePuffin ❤️

ObviousNameChage · 19/06/2021 23:21

After 4 months I wouldn't consider you a friend anymore and things would definitely be different. You'll be very lucky if she's still willing to pick up the friendship from where you left off, never mind a reference.

TatianaBis · 19/06/2021 23:25

@ImprobablePuffin On the contrary she was a goady to me - accusing me of drinking and all sorts.

I see was just malicious on your part. Mystery solved.

Skysblue · 19/06/2021 23:27

I’m not sure mumsnet is a good place for your mental health tbh

Lockheart · 19/06/2021 23:29

I've reported the entire bloody lot of you - if you want to bicker take it elsewhere and stop derailing the thread.

GloriousMystery · 19/06/2021 23:33

@SmudgeButt

It's so lovely to think that so many people commenting here lead such perfect lives that they've never needed to take a break.

You've been honest with your friend about needing a break. She's been kind enough to keep the door open for you to get in touch when you are ready. You've got yourself sorted and need a bit extra from your friendship.

Be honest with her, tell her you know if might look like you're only contacting her for the reference and if she doesn't want to give it you'll understand. And thank her for allowing you the space to get through things.

I think that’s perfectly reasonable. I have difficulty understanding the ire on here when people temporarily withdraw from contact with friends.
17june2021 · 19/06/2021 23:49

It’s fine to temporarily withdraw contact from friends, but it’s cruel to completely ignore their messages or to only contact them when you want something from them

LopsidedWombat · 19/06/2021 23:49

That's a tricky one. Personally I'd do the reference but would also assume you were only talking to me in order to get it and probably wouldn't want to start regular contact again off the back of that. Get the reference somewhere else if you can. I totally understand the need to take a step back BTW and that in itself is entirely reasonable.

Thelnebriati · 19/06/2021 23:55

YABU. Ask for a reference from someone who can give you a good one, not someone you expect to lie for you.

Papillon33 · 19/06/2021 23:58

To me, it sounds like your friend is understanding of your situation and that you've been going through something, and she's been reaching out to you over the last four months in case you're ready to see people again. I don't think you've ghosted her - you told her you would be going off the radar for a while (and four months isn't that long). Getting this new job is part of you building yourself up again. If I were your friend I'd be happy to help you (but contact her firstly because you want to keep her as a friend, rather than the job being the main objective. The feeling i get from your post is that she's a really good friend to you)

If her messages were just suggesting that you should go her house maybe she was letting you know she's still there for you. I really hope this is the case. Now you're feeling better you can hopefully get back to an equal friendship of being there for each other

BettyBurntBuns · 20/06/2021 00:52

@billy1966

Honestly I would help out a friend in that situation.

You have not wronged your friend, you were going through a rough time.

People do.

If she tells you piss off, well she certainly wasn't a friend.

Explain to her what has been going on.
Any real friend would be pleased that things are improving for you.

I certainly would be.

Good luck.

Exactly.

It’s only a character reference

PixieLaLa · 20/06/2021 05:09

@LadyMargaretBeauforte and @TatianaBis you both sound immature AF “I’m reporting you”....”I’m reporting you too” Grow up.

custardbear · 20/06/2021 05:24

I had a friend who, after years of being really good friends, holidays, flat shares, over 15 years of friendship jist dropped me like a hot stone. She got in touch for my help, I gave it to her, she said about taking our Childern out locally and just let her know where and when, I did this multiple times but nothing - she used me, and dropped me again like a stone

I'm sorry you've had problems but it doesn't sound like you're doing it for the right reason s, and if you're low surely you would ask your friend for support not drop her entirely?

miltonj · 20/06/2021 05:37

I'd be gutted. Get back in touch, apologise honestly, try harder with the friendship ask somebody else for the reference.

miltonj · 20/06/2021 05:39

@friendinneed2

Thanks. I'm really glad I came on here before embarrassing myself. I'm not going to ask for a reference, I'm just going to get back in touch with her like I planned, apologise and explain my situation.

I know it doesn't look good to just disappear like this, but I just like to deal with things alone. She's a really good friend and I just hope she accepts my apology.

Sorry, missed the update. That's great, you're going the right thing. Hope everything goes well with the friendship, your mental health and potentially the job.
Clydesider · 20/06/2021 05:41

You are using her for the reference; you just won't admit it to yourself.

You'd be getting no reference from me.

Dannyandsandy · 20/06/2021 05:46

Wow. I’d think what a CF

SpeakingFranglais · 20/06/2021 05:46

@massiveportion

But you are only using her for the reference. Tough shit.
Exactly! Just what I was going to say.
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