I was 15 he was 23

[Blissbiz]

I was 15 he was 23 and was my "boyfriend" for about 3 or 4 months although thinking back he was obviously sleeping with other people.
He is famous now, really famous and in the media alot.He didn't force me, actually I was flattered but now I can't stop thinking about it. My daughter is now 15 and I can't imagine her with someone this age or why he would want to be with her!
Do I need to just forget about it and move on, he doesn't come across as creepy or sleazy, quite the opposite in interviews but I'm struggling to see him without feeling angry.

@TedMullins

I have brothers, my friends all had brothers, none of them had to be told to stay away to girls 5-10 years younger than them.

This is the territory of young girls who weren't in school, perhaps were working already?, were vulnerable, or had lax parents whose eye certainly wasn't on them.

To suggest a decent parent would be happily welcoming in a man 5-10 years older that their teenage child to the house without batting an eyelid is laughable.

Or is it also strange that 40 years ago teenage girls had their boyfriends call to their houses?
Again, this was very normal for a lot of teenagers....parents who would have wanted to see their boyfriends.

The determination to defend creeps is very sad and disturbing and screams denial to me.

Perhaps some of the men weren't creepy to some of the posters, but it certainly doesn't make it right.

The truth is even 40 years ago when I was 16, lots of teens of both sexes, AND their parents knew better.

When you know better, you do better.

When you read threads like these from women who were okay with what went on. Would they be okay if it happened to their daughter maybe they would. It weren't that long ago where we had the worst teenage pregnancy in Europe. Safeguarding plays an important role in protecting our young people these days. The people who should be taking care of them and guiding them are not.

I was 18. He was 42. We married and lasted 25 years.
I'd be horrified if my daughter did the same.

@paddingtonbearmeetsdeadpool

When you read threads like these from women who were okay with what went on. Would they be okay if it happened to their daughter maybe they would. It weren't that long ago where we had the worst teenage pregnancy in Europe. Safeguarding plays an important role in protecting our young people these days. The people who should be taking care of them and guiding them are not.

What I get from this thread is that posters wouldn't have wanted their children to be sexually involved with someone much older; the idea is horrifying and makes them think about how different attitudes were years ago.

I keep thinking of that song
it was a hot afternoon on the last day of June and the sun was a demon🎶

She was 31 I was 17 I knew nothing about love she knew everything 🎶

When you read threads like these from women who were okay with what went on. Would they be okay if it happened to their daughter maybe they would.

No, and that's the point that's being made. That things have changed and they wouldn't be okay with it today. No one is saying they would. Is it so unthinkable that in different times/areas/demographics, people behaved differently to now? And that it doesn't make them lax, indecent, traumatised nor paedophile apologists.

Regardless of the wider debate and these sometimes unhelpful generalisations, the OP's specific relationship sounds grim and like she's on her own path to processing what it means and how best to deal with it. Perhaps writing that letter might help whether you send it or not.

I was 16 and my first serious boyfriend was 21. I was totally besotted with him. My parents were actually ok about it because he was a family friend. Then a year later when I was 17 I met my now DH who was again 21. That was in 1996!

If my DD was mature enough at 16 to date a 21 yo I’d have no issues at all. She could vote and get married at that age.

However when I was 14 I had a brief thing with a 19yo. My dad found out had a “word” and I never saw him again! I totally get that and again would do the same for DD!

Oh and for context when I was 15 I was actually coerced, sexually assaulted and raped by a 16yo. The only relationship I’ve ever had that was so unpleasant. Just the year above me at school! None of the others would ever have done anything like that.

I am most probably roughly the same age as the op. I was born 1983 and in the 90's it wasn't acceptable thing to do girls would be called slags by their peers at school.

It's dodgy as hell and I'm agog at those saying otherwise.

No, and that's the point that's being made. That things have changed and they wouldn't be okay with it today. No one is saying they would. Is it so unthinkable that in different times/areas/demographics, people behaved differently to now? And that it doesn't make them lax, indecent, traumatised nor paedophile apologists.

This is why there is safeguarding today. Having the highest teenage pregnancies in Europe is very embarrassing for the Government. No one was learning from their experiences and teaching their children.

It seems from this thread that the 80s/90s were a sweet spot for some men where they knew exactly what they were doing but girls didn't.

I had two or three older boyfriends when I was 16 or 17 ish, they were all much older than me,about 28 or a bit more. It was in the swinging sixties, and people didn't get so uptight about most things then.

My late Mum would have been very uptight about such things, but she didn't get to know about some things.!

A well-known actor in his 40s invited my then 17 year old, pretty naive, brother back to his place for drinks after meeting him at a drama workshop . Luckily DB totally missed the subtext and invited a mate of his to go with him too - much to the actor's annoyance

It was never Ok. I was a teenager in the 80s. Its went on, but it was always shocking.

@Jonnyhatesjazz

It seems from this thread that the 80s/90s were a sweet spot for some men where they knew exactly what they were doing but girls didn't.

Yes the predators were ahead of the prey

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

A well-known actor in his 40s invited my then 17 year old, pretty naive, brother back to his place for drinks after meeting him at a drama workshop . Luckily DB totally missed the subtext and invited a mate of his to go with him too - much to the actor's annoyance

Omg or did he subconsciously read the subtext and that's why he invited his mate?

Omg or did he subconsciously read the subtext and that's why he invited his mate?

Possible, but it was definitely subconscious if he did. TG though. The actor concerned is supposedly heterosexual so DB was not on his guard (NB I am not saying that gay people are more predatory than straight ones, but, if you are a man, it's more likely to occur to you that another man may fancy you, if you know he is gay).

@1forAll74

I had two or three older boyfriends when I was 16 or 17 ish, they were all much older than me,about 28 or a bit more. It was in the swinging sixties, and people didn't get so uptight about most things then.

My late Mum would have been very uptight about such things, but she didn't get to know about some things.!

It’s not a question of being “uptight”. We have sailed through this era and have come to realise the power imbalance of relationships between naive teenage girls and grown men.

@paddingtonbearmeetsdeadpool

I am most probably roughly the same age as the op. I was born 1983 and in the 90's it wasn't acceptable thing to do girls would be called slags by their peers at school.

Oh yes the 'slag' accusation. Charming attitudes to girls back then weren't there. Do you still think that teenage girls who have sex are slags? Or have you changed your mind because you've grown up and look back at the past in a different way? That's the point lots of us are trying apparently unsuccessfully to make.

No, and that's the point that's being made. That things have changed and they wouldn't be okay with it today. No one is saying they would. Is it so unthinkable that in different times/areas/demographics, people behaved differently to now? And that it doesn't make them lax, indecent, traumatised nor paedophile apologist

Exactly.
At 18 I thought page 3 girls and the Perelli calendar on the wall in the lunchroom was fine. By the time I was 21 or so I'd have ripped them down.

Lets try a different approach. Has anyway read about the recent Ofsted report into Sexual Abuse in Schools. It says Sexual harassment has become normalised for children in schools and colleges. Children think sending, receiving and demanding nude photos and sexually explicit images is normal. 80% of girls said they had been being pressured to provide sexual images. Boys share nude photographs of girls like a collection game. Schools consistently underestimate the scale of problem - I suspect there is an element of 'boys will be boys' in this.

Most are doing this on mobile phones, unsupervised and unmonitored by parents. On another MN thread a parent asked about her son who was addicted to his phone, crying and getting angry if separated from it even briefly. LOADS of parents waded in to say it was totally normal for a teenager to be glued to his phone and his mother was unreasonable to be worried or to take it off him.

So for young people today, this is their normal. It's not creepy guys on the way to school any more, it's the kid in the same class asking you for a vag shot at 11pm in your bedroom.. Most adults will find it shocking - I did.

Some of those kids in future will look back and say 'oh it wasn't that bad' - just a few dick pics and boobs. And some will decide all that was not acceptable and was abusive. Like we are now, revising the past and shining the light of a new perspective on it. That does NOT mean we are paedo apologists.

I weren't a slag I was coerced but that was the attitude back then. That why I wont normalise or suggest anyone to move on. Teach the next generation that's what I say.

I met a man a church youth club when I was just 12. He was 23 and incredibly emotionally immature. He manipulated me and groomed me taking my virginity just after my 14th birthday, without any contraception. He maintains to this day that his only wrongdoing was to have sex outside marriage.

He was also physically and sexually violent as well as sabotaging both my 'O' and 'A' levels as each month from 14 to nearly 18 I was scared I was pregnant.

I reported to the police in 2009, the DS from the local CID pushed for indecent assault rather than unlawful intercourse and forwarded this charge to the CPS.

The CPS stopped the prosecution due to insufficient evidence. The DS was on the brink of asking for redundancy to be with their DGC.
His personnel file is full of detailed written third party evidence. The unlawful intercourse was basically an open and shut case.
The DS is surprisingly a DI - reward for stopping the prosecution? Who knows.

I wrote an email to the head of his world-wide organisation and received the 3rd party that Justin is very upset by this. There is only 1 person above him, but I haven't the balls to contact HM Queen Elizabeth, the Supreme Governor of the Church of England.

Yep, the Church of England is rotten to the core. He's a fucking vicar, to coin a phrase. Dr Coggan the Archbishop of Canterbury at the time, expressed the opinion - I've read it - that he should never be ordained.

OP it's always worth reporting to the police, they were lovely with me, even though ineffectual in the end. Why? Because it helps protect other past and future victims, and that was my motivation in reporting after the Soham murders and the failure for legitimate concerns being passed from one police authority to another.

I lied to myself for years to convince myself that it wasn't abuse. By 15 the gap in emotional maturity was striking and when I tried to finish with him, he threatened suicide by telling me it would be impossible for him to live without me, so of course I couldn't and back-tracked. A counsellor I saw who I couldn't stand, burst out in 1 session 'that was abuse' I was shocked to the core and denied it, but my brain started processing things and I realised it was. I'd been abused by friends of my dm and latched on to him to survive when she invited one of my abusers to spend a 2 week holiday in my home, my safe place.

Please OP have a chat with someone like rape crisis to get a neutral third party view. Not in any way to convince you you're a victim, not in a million years, being victimised doesn't necessarily make you one. Just that your personal perception and interpretation of the facts may be skewed.

@Bluntness100

At 25, would you have gone after a 15 year old?

No of course not, and no I’d not have been happy if my daughter was in that situation

But it doesn’t change the fact I liked him, I liked spending time with him, he treated me with respect, we never actually had full sex. I won’t change my truth.

So op do you understand why you’re so angry?

I'm sorry to say, Bluntness, that whether you think it or not, that was a very abusive relationship that you were not ready or responsible for, whatever you think 'your truth' is.

@youaresunshine that’s not what meant at all.

@Naunet

Yeah it’s wrong OP, creepy as fuck. I slept with a 35 year old when I was 16 (and looked a lot younger). I thought I was mature, flattered by his attention, now I look back and cringe. I couldn’t imagine being attracted to a 16 year old at that age, it’s so predatory. He had a daughter just 2 years younger than me too 🤢

Holy fuck.

Men make me sick to my stomach sometimes.