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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was 15 he was 23

273 replies

Blissbiz · 19/06/2021 08:13

I was 15 he was 23 and was my "boyfriend" for about 3 or 4 months although thinking back he was obviously sleeping with other people.
He is famous now, really famous and in the media alot.He didn't force me, actually I was flattered but now I can't stop thinking about it. My daughter is now 15 and I can't imagine her with someone this age or why he would want to be with her!
Do I need to just forget about it and move on, he doesn't come across as creepy or sleazy, quite the opposite in interviews but I'm struggling to see him without feeling angry.

OP posts:
Sunshinesusan60 · 19/06/2021 09:30

@Bluntness100 I can't speak for the op but I suspect with the benefit of hindsight and having a daughter of 15 herself she is feeling a bit like she was taken advantage of being 'young and dumb'. Maybe that's why she was angry?

And perhaps seeing this man plastered over the telly being painted as a good guy stings a bit too. I really want to know who it is.

Naunet · 19/06/2021 09:30

@scubadive

Things were different then, lots of older boys went with younger girls, they weren’t taught it was wrong like they are today, at 23 he was only young himself, don’t try to cause trouble for him.
Jesus Christ 🙄
Zerorightanswers · 19/06/2021 09:32

@Bluntness100

For goodness sake. I’m a grown woman. It is my life and my views end of. I’m not changing my truth because it doesn’t sit well with some randoms on line.

And asking the op what’s driving her anger is a valid question.

Wtf does "changing my truth" even mean? It just sounds sanctimonious.
mummydoingamasters · 19/06/2021 09:38

I was 14, he was 21. He met my mum too but there was no cause for concern by anyone! However, if my daughter came home with a 21 year old boyfriend at 14 I would be FUMING! I like to think I worry more because I don't really feel enough people worried about me

newnortherner111 · 19/06/2021 09:38

Thankfully attitudes towards men having relationships with teenage girls/young women have changed. I think that unless you wish to pursue it as a criminal matter, which I don't think is the case, then you need to try to move on.

Xenia · 19/06/2021 09:39

Loads of girls who have sex at 15 with older men like it are glad about it and even though in the UK it was illegal they don't feel bad about it. Others do. It is just how it is.

16 then and now was the age of consent however so anyone under 16 and there is a problem (writing as someone who graduated aged 20 a teetotal virgin)

HangingOver · 19/06/2021 09:42

I was 14 he was 22. Musician. Threw myself at him. Massive pervert, turns out. I still think about it. Yes I thought I was in love with him and was obsessed with him....but wtf was he thinking. One of his songs is about me. Urgh.

Pinkdelight3 · 19/06/2021 09:43

Eskarina I agree that's how it should be and is the consensus today, absolutely, but it's possible for that to be true now, but for it not to have been the case back then. Cultural norms do change over time, that's not blurring the lines, it's a lived reality. I don't believe anyone's calling the OP irresponsible or remotely blaming her or anyone like her for being an irresponsible teen. We're simply saying that it was more acceptable and widespread, even if in hindsight that was a bad thing (though as other have said, it worked out for them and they married or wasn't an issue and they moved on and forgot about it). It's up to the OP to determine if she was traumatised by it and needs help to process and act on that.

JammyGem · 19/06/2021 09:44

I'm surprised so many people on here seem to think it's OK.

About the same age, a friend of mine also had a sexual relationship with a man in his 20s who was in a well known band. At the time I just accepted it, was maybe even a little jealous of my friend. Years later, this man was charged with the most despicable crimes and was clearly a paedophile. I'm still ashamed I didn't see how wrong it was and try to tell someone, there's a chance that a lot of suffering could have been prevented.

It's never too late to speak up, especially if he's still in the public eye.

can't lie though, I'm curious as to who it is!

Applesonthelawn · 19/06/2021 09:45

Is your anger heightened by the fact he is famous and doesn't come across as "that type"? I ask because my first dh left me to have an affair with a woman who is famous and very much known for her family values. She never left her husband and it fizzled out after two years. I'm happy he left now, life much better for me since then, but I am still somewhat irked by her holier than thou fame.

Nofruitta · 19/06/2021 09:47

It’s an scene as Old as time.
No biggie.

ImaHogg · 19/06/2021 09:48

I would really have to question exactly why a grown man would want to date a school child. There must be some perverted desire even if he doesn’t fully realise himself. I wonder if the men who have dated school girls when they were younger look back now and shudder or do they think nothing of it? Would they be happy that their young teens are dating and most probably having sex with adult men. I sincerely doubt it, they are probably the ones who would make the biggest fuss.

JammyGem · 19/06/2021 09:48

@HangingOver I wonder if it's the same man? IW? My friend was only 13 Sad

DoylyCarte · 19/06/2021 09:48

I went out with a 37 year old when I was 15/16 for a year. In retrospect that was a bit weird (of him)! At the time it seemed absolutely normal to me.

Then had a 5 year relationship starting when I was 19 and exDP was 36. There’s no weirdness around that relationship nor age gap even retrospectively.

I’ve never ever been in a relationship with any male who was aged less than mid-30s... so a 23yo bloke seems like a boy to me and tbh always has!! 😂

So personally unless traumatic events happened with him that you haven’t covered (or I haven’t seen as thread prob moving quickly), I can’t really see what the issue is.

JammyGem · 19/06/2021 09:50

@HangingOver I only say because my friend was also told one of his songs was about her, it just rang a bell. I know he slept with a lot of young girls.

TheVolturi · 19/06/2021 09:51

I imagine if someone posted that their 15 year old dd was sleeping with a 23 year old guy the responses would be very different. Mn is fucking bonkers sometimes!

StuffinThePuffin · 19/06/2021 09:54

Mine never became famous but I have a similar story. Loads of women do. It's fucking horrible that we all nod along because we've all been there, or at least known many others who have.

I also thought it was normal, at the time. How sad.

Benjispruce3 · 19/06/2021 09:59

Only you know how the relationship was. You say you were happy and consented. Things were very different and I don’t think you can apply today’s views to the past in this instance.Is it because he is famous? Why does that make a difference?

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 19/06/2021 10:02

My 15 year old often asks me what's the point of having a boyfriend at her age!

In the 70s/80s/90s it certainly was more normal and socially accepted to have an older boyfriend, wasn't it?

Footloosefancyfree · 19/06/2021 10:04

I was 16 when I went out with 21 year old and lost my virginity to him, we were together for 3 years. He was actually fair immature for his age but he was a lovely kind hearted lad with no malice unlike my ex who came after that was the same age as me. I look back with fondness.

Serin · 19/06/2021 10:04

The parents who think it's OK though, what is going through their minds?
If my 15yr old brought home a 23yr old I would be seriously sitting her down for a long chat.
If I found out my DS's were with an underage child, I would flip.
When I was growing up, I had a friend who was dating the school bus driver, she was 14 and he was in his 30s and used to go to the pub with her dad.

nanbread · 19/06/2021 10:05

@Eskarina1

I'm also surprised - and shocked at the description of it as the OPs irresponsible behaviour. Teenagers are irresponsible, wanting to be seen as grown ups, very aware of sex and therefore vulnerable to exploitation from adults. It isn't ok for someone in their twenties, especially someone who is sleeping with others too, to be in a romantic/sexual relationship with a fifteen year old. There is too much potential for manipulation. That doesn't mean it's there in every case but it needs to be unacceptable to protect children. We shouldn't blur the lines. 16 is the age of consent. If 23 and 15 is ok, then what if she was 14 but nearly 15?
I think it's wrong/ weird for a 16yo to date a 23yo as well though. What if it was the day she turned 16, that magically makes it ok but the day before it's completely unacceptable?

Not sure what the answer is though.

OP - did he know you were 15? Not that ignorance makes it ok, but a lot of girls I went to school with lied about their age when they dated older men throughout the relationship.

If not, I wonder how that person feels about it when they knowingly slept with a 15 year old in their 20s.

TheVolturi · 19/06/2021 10:08

Maybe it's difficult for the op seeing this man regularly on TV or whatever? Not the actual fact that he's famous, like she's bloody jealous or something.
Why is the age consent 16 if it's OK for grown adult men to have sex with girls younger than this?
My own personal experience is that I was 14, and very much looked like 14, or less. Didn't wear makeup or dress grown up. And I was groomed into having a relationship with a 36 year old man who was in a position of authority. The man was attractive, confident and well liked by everyone. My older brother actually called the police because my mum wasn't bothered. The police said since I was happy to be in a relationship with him there was nothing they could do Biscuit
This is in the 90s, now I am grown up with my own dc I can't really put it to rest in my head. It absolutely wasn't OK and he was a predator.

nanbread · 19/06/2021 10:08

@NewModelArmyMayhem18

My 15 year old often asks me what's the point of having a boyfriend at her age!

In the 70s/80s/90s it certainly was more normal and socially accepted to have an older boyfriend, wasn't it?

It's hard to know, as we are probably looking at it from the perspective of teenagers ourselves. We thought it was cool and exciting and maybe a bit shocking, but it didn't register as wrong or creepy. One girl at 16/17 was dating a man in their 30s!
storminasnowglobe · 19/06/2021 10:09

Back in the late 80s/early 90s when I was a teen there was a clear cultural narrative (in teen mags etc) that boys matured later than girls and therefore it was entirely acceptable (indeed desirable amongst many of my peers) for 15 year old girls to go out with boys in their early 20s who they saw as their "equals" rather than boys their own age who were considered too young. I can only speak for my own friendship group who definitely viewed the older boyfriend as the prize.

Like you OP I have teen daughters now and the idea of them with 20+ year old boyfriends is almost unthinkable. But I also think that they would think a man of this age who was interested in them was "old" and "creepy" and run a mile whereas when I was that age my friends and I were actively seeking them out Confused.
Times have changed. Views have changed. I think the saying "the past is another country" is just so true.