I was 15 he was 23

[Blissbiz]

I was 15 he was 23 and was my "boyfriend" for about 3 or 4 months although thinking back he was obviously sleeping with other people.
He is famous now, really famous and in the media alot.He didn't force me, actually I was flattered but now I can't stop thinking about it. My daughter is now 15 and I can't imagine her with someone this age or why he would want to be with her!
Do I need to just forget about it and move on, he doesn't come across as creepy or sleazy, quite the opposite in interviews but I'm struggling to see him without feeling angry.

@Starisnotanumber

Just for context Diana Spencer was born in 1961 Prince Charles was born in 1948. Was obviously perfectly acceptable at the time to the royal family

He wasn't after her when she was 15 though, was he?

Oh Op he sounds like an utter cunt.

Physically tiny, slightly naive, needs protecting, defers to the man. Most women IRL are not like this

I’ll give you the first 3, but ‘defers to the man’ remains very common (just not on MN). Go to the relationships board......there are hundreds of women who haves ‘deferred to to the man’ for decades and are just realising that their lives don’t have to be quite so miserable.

However I’m getting irritated by women on this thread who very evidently were NOT around in the 80’s/90’s telling other women how they should feel about their teenage relationships and calling them paedophile apologists for saying they are fine with their experiences.

Call the daily mail. There's probably more with the same story. Why should he get anonymity? Keeping quiet is just victim blaming and perpetuates the culture where this is normalised.

@agododopushpineapple

However I’m getting irritated by women on this thread who very evidently were NOT around in the 80’s/90’s telling other women how they should feel about their teenage relationships and calling them paedophile apologists for saying they are fine with their experiences.

Yeah I’m getting irritated at the ones telling OP she’s wrong to feel upset by what happened, because it was fine for them….

Blissbiz
I remember after my first time with him, I was nervous and hurt, he said he would mark me a grade E but would get me up to an A. Why I didn't kick him in the bollocks and walk out I have no idea. I cringed at the time but its so humiliating when I think about it.

I am so sorry that this happened to you

The sexual instruction / teaching element is not uncommon amongst the most predatory of offenders including offenders against minors.

The "E grading" element is ruthless, psychopathic and humiliating.

These aspect of it alone is deeply concerning but when combined with the age difference is raising multiple red flags for me.

It is of course your choice about how to proceed, but I am shocked by the "put it behind you" comments here.

I’ve only read the first and last pages a mail have missed update.

At 19yo I was in a relationship with a man 37yo. I stand by the fact it was an equal relationship as many men are extremely backwards. At this age I had a few relationships with men chronologically older than myself. I’m pushing 60yo and don’t feel I was ever taken advantage of, that the age difference was offset due to inequality in other aspects. Those were honestly the best years of my life.

@Naunet I’ve not said that at all. But it’s also just as bad for people to be paying her to “go to the papers” and “go to the police” with zero though for her welfare.

How OP feels is justified - but also how others feel about their experiences is justified too.

The most successful reletionships I know where younger girls (14-19) and older men (5-10 years older), most still happily together and going strong now 2-4 decades on.

I would be more worried if my daughter was bring home silly little boys (dating teen boys was utterly awful - immature, sexually pushy, lots of cheating).

With that said I also hope I can instill in my daughter not to given in to peer presure etc... and to not rush into sex just for the sake of keeping up with the jones.

I dont think 'age' is the issue (I dated many older guys and didnt sleep with them, they where much more respectful overall) more that kids are made to see being a virgin as a bad thing so rush sex but they will do that with a 15 year old or 25 year old if they feel that way.

I’ve only read the first and last pages a mail have missed update.

Yes you hve missed an update, here it is

Blissbiz
I remember after my first time with him, I was nervous and hurt, he said he would mark me a grade E but would get me up to an A. Why I didn't kick him in the bollocks and walk out I have no idea. I cringed at the time but its so humiliating when I think about it.

Your thoughts?

[quote agododopushpineapple]@Naunet I’ve not said that at all. But it’s also just as bad for people to be paying her to “go to the papers” and “go to the police” with zero though for her welfare.

How OP feels is justified - but also how others feel about their experiences is justified too.[/quote]
I didn’t say you had, I’m pointing out it goes both ways.

This isn't ok. There's an age of consent for a reason. Where do we draw the line?
From the age of 4 I was sexually abused. I'm not going to share my story because this is not about me. Just know that it's fucking wrong and those of you who think it's ok or "of its time" should be ashamed of themselves.

Ok your last post op changes my opinion. Doesn’t sound like a genuine relationship. He sounds like an arse! Why drip feed?

A girl at my school lived with and had a baby with a man of 30! He beat her up too. They stayed together for a fair few years. Grim. Even back then I thought it was grim.

There is a whole shift in our thinking about children and when they become adults. More young people stay on in education for longer, and more of them have this paid for by their parents, and more can't afford to leave home.
Do you remember "Easter Leavers" who used to leave school to get a job at 16 yo? (In 1980) They don't do that now. Students used to receive a grant and be financially independent younger. We are prolonging childhoods now - which is a good thing in my opinion.

I am feeling similar OP about inappropriate sexual relationships,. The things I would protect my daughter from now are things which felt normal to me (and others) at the time. At 16 my boyfriend was 23, it was all normal and there was no coercion and we had a lovely relationship (which ended when I got a new job and met someone else.)

At 23 I had had a big upset in my family life and my boss was "concerned" about me, and basically preyed on me. I think he was probably about 40. I have only recently realised how manipulative and awful this was as I had not thought about it for years. I would not allow it now, of course! I have been thinking about reporting him, finding out if he had done it to other women, and so on. At the time I was just happy no-one else had found out, and I hadn't got pregnant. I moved and never saw him again. Now I'm so angry about it. It was in the late 80s.

The Me Too movement has made us angry about things that happened when we were young and vulnerable. Personally I have decided to let go of what happened to me as a teen/young adult and am glad that now our young people are more informed, more aware and can protect themselves better.

Agreed @agododopushpineapple. It's like some weird brainwashing to deny the past and the importance of context, and very patronising to assume that we were and still are clueless. The paedophile apologists accusation helps no one, including the victims of abuse whose suffering is diminished.

@CheesyWeez is right. When you left school at 15/16 and were working, you felt and were perceived as an adult. It absolutely was different and nothing like child sexual abuse of a 4 year old. The latest post changes things though, this doesn’t sound like a caring relationship.

I was 17, he was 25. No-one coerced or exploited anyone else. If you were underage there are of course legal issues, and only you can decide how to deal with your past, OP.

For me? It was fine. It was life. It was no-one else's business.

I was 11 in 1981 when Charles and Diana got married. No one thought that age gap was normal even then. People "joked" about how he needed a child bride because of the virginity test.

@Blissbiz

I remember after my first time with him, I was nervous and hurt, he said he would mark me a grade E but would get me up to an A. Why I didn't kick him in the bollocks and walk out I have no idea. I cringed at the time but its so humiliating when I think about it.

Grim. You didn’t kick him in the bollocks precisely because of what you have said, you were a teenage girl who was more vulnerable than him in every respect - age, sex, size, knowledge and experience. It would be unusual for a teen of this age to be able to respond assertively to this. I understand the feeling of humiliation but it’s not your feeling to keep - that disgusting behaviour belongs to him only and was not a reflection on you

I'm another one here who was dating guys in their 20s when I was in my teens. Lots of my mates were. And the 'men' weren't sophisticated, educated and mature, to be honest. They were lads a few years older than us at school - most of whom still lived with their mums. They weren't creepy older men looking for young girls.

I saw and see absolutely nothing wrong with it. I'm not traumatised and if you weren't bothered at the time I can't see the problem.

@Benjispruce3

Ok your last post op changes my opinion. Doesn’t sound like a genuine relationship. He sounds like an arse! Why drip feed?

Because she feel humiliated.

I suppose it might have been acceptable in some areas but it certainly wasn't in mine.

At 15, myself and the overwhelming majority of my school year didn't have boyfriend's, though we were definitely aware of boys!

When some did when they were 16/17/18 the boys were always within a year or two.

We were not particularly innocent I think, because we certainly would have known any guys 5-10 years older that would sniff around teens, are creeps.

Thankfully we all would have come from homes where parents would have been rightfully appalled and would have stopped it, I have NO doubt.

I think vulnerable girls were, and are, susceptible to these predatory types that either can't form a relationship with a peer, are controlling, want to appear worldly, or just simply like young girls.

IMO it is ALWAYS creepy, and no parent with a functioning brain, now, or 40 years ago, would have found it acceptable.

OP, I can well imagine you have the Ick looking back.

15 year olds now are far more clued in and yet it still would be wholly unacceptable.

The imbalance is certainly not in a 15 year olds interest.

The difference in maturity between 15 and 20 is simply enormous.

40 years ago involved, caring parents may not have know the shit the church was up to etc., but they knew 15 year old girls should not be intimate with 23 year olds.🙄

Suggesting otherwise is a cop out IMO.

Oh OP I type really slowly, and hadn't seen your update. That puts a different light on it. I'm very sorry this happened to you and sorry about the lasting upset you are feeling.
I hope you can get some peace. You have to decide what you need to do to achieve that