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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was 15 he was 23

273 replies

Blissbiz · 19/06/2021 08:13

I was 15 he was 23 and was my "boyfriend" for about 3 or 4 months although thinking back he was obviously sleeping with other people.
He is famous now, really famous and in the media alot.He didn't force me, actually I was flattered but now I can't stop thinking about it. My daughter is now 15 and I can't imagine her with someone this age or why he would want to be with her!
Do I need to just forget about it and move on, he doesn't come across as creepy or sleazy, quite the opposite in interviews but I'm struggling to see him without feeling angry.

OP posts:
SofiaMichelle · 19/06/2021 11:13

@nanbread

I remember in the late 90s a man I knew was arrested for statutory rape with a 15 year old in a consensual relationship.

Not if it was in the UK.

Maggiesfarm · 19/06/2021 11:13

Naunet, isn't it scary when you look back?

fakeplantsdontlookreal · 19/06/2021 11:14

It was very common in the 80's, most of us at 14/15 were going out with boys who were 20/21. It was a small rural area, we all knew each other, all grew up together.

It didn't seem wrong at the time, although I did hide it from my parents as they said he was too old.....

I look at DD now and the local 21 year olds, and they wouldn't go near a girl of that age. Times have changed so much.

I think you should get counselling to deal with your issues, but it is not something to ruin his life over, unless he is still chasing 14 year olds now.

Original poster
Blissbiz · 19/06/2021 11:15

Maybe it was normal, I do remember going to pubs and clubs when I was 15, and I was one of the last in my class at school!! Maybe an older boyfriend was all part of that era, I don't feel so angry about it now I know lots of you experienced the same thing. Horrifying really, but hopefully not as acceptable now.

OP posts:
Dozer · 19/06/2021 11:16

Being ‘common’ doesn’t mean it was OK. It felt v wrong of the men then as it does now.

joneje1 · 19/06/2021 11:16

A lot of people are saying move on based on the fact you felt comfortable at the time but from his point of view that's still against the law and if that gives men in their twenties the perception that going with an underage child (which is the reality) is acceptable then I think you should come forward but it's completely your decision and you need to consider if it will affect your life

What if he's continued to do this with younger girls as he got older and they are told to 'move on' ? I don't think it's the right message to be sending to young girls

I research a lot into child trafficking and peadophiles and raise awareness if I can so I know how bad it is out there and how desperate other children are for people to speak up and help them. The biggest issue now is that they don't look like your typical predators, they are young successful men and women with access to things like the dark web etc and particularly if he's famous he's in a position of power which is more worrying

I hope this helps and provides a different opinion to consider Smile

SinisterBumFacedCat · 19/06/2021 11:17

At 16 me and my best friend had 23 year old boyfriends. She slept with hers and ended up living with him into her 30’s, I didn’t and got dumped! There were many reasons why but a major one was that boys our own age weren’t interested, we were so low in the pecking order and the only people who were boyfriend and girlfriend with their own age group were the popular ones. These men took us out to pubs and clubs, talked to us, made us laugh but also patronised us a lot and made us very aware that they were waiting for someone their own age. I now look back on it and that is what angers me more than anything about it. When I was 23 I didn’t go chasing after 16 year old boys. But at 30 I did have a 21 year old boyfriend which feels a bit hypocritical now.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 19/06/2021 11:18

@Blissbiz

Maybe it was normal, I do remember going to pubs and clubs when I was 15, and I was one of the last in my class at school!! Maybe an older boyfriend was all part of that era, I don't feel so angry about it now I know lots of you experienced the same thing. Horrifying really, but hopefully not as acceptable now.
Just because it was normal, doesn't mean it was right. I don't think most of us are defending how things used to be, and certainly no one should be minimising what you are feeling, or telling you not to be angry.

OTOH, it may be helpful to you in coming to terms with this to know that you weren't unusual or alone Flowers

Original poster
Blissbiz · 19/06/2021 11:18

@fakeplantsdontlookreal I think you're right, it could ruin his life if I did something about it, seems it was common enough. I don't think he's still doing that now. Time to move on I think

OP posts:
Naunet · 19/06/2021 11:20

@Maggiesfarm

Naunet, isn't it scary when you look back?
Shocking! I mean how did anyone think that was ok? But then society has often revolved around men’s penises I guess.
TheSockMonster · 19/06/2021 11:20

I agree it was normalised in the 90s, but I think only a certain type of creepy man took advantage of that normalisation.

My boyfriend was just 18 months older than me but 2 academic years ahead. I was late back from school one day and opened the door still wearing my school uniform (I was 16 years old and in year 11, he was 17 1/2). We’d been dating a few months but it was the first time he’d seen me in school uniform and he was shaken and said it made him feel like he was some sort of creep. He was very aware of the age gap and very hot on consent and took a long time to feel comfortable with us having sex, even though I’d had a sexual relationship before and was enthusiastically up for it! His reasoning was because he was older and wanted to be sure I wouldn’t have regrets.

I don’t think he was anything special, just a normal decent human being.

Maves · 19/06/2021 11:21

He was a paedo basically. It's wrong. Back in the day my friend was 12 going out with a 22 year old! Ducked up. In your case wouldn't surprise me if he's done it again. Is it the fact he's so famous that's pissed you off more or wouldn't you have given it 2 thoughs?

DolphinBlue1 · 19/06/2021 11:22

I was 16 when I got with my now soon to be DH who was 25 at the time and that was 11 years ago.

BigWoollyJumpers · 19/06/2021 11:23

Back in the 80's definitely normal to have boyfriends in their 20's, when you were in your teens. Who wants to go out with a boy the same age? They are so much more immature than girls.

The biggest age gap I had was my being 17 and a 38 year old. European holiday romance, with a tourist of another nationality. He pursued me for a few years via phone and letter, and even asked me to marry him! By that time I had a fiance of the same age, and politely told him to get lost. Shame, because he was very wealthy, and lived in a fabulous villa, by a lake, in a city. No regrets at all and an interesting story to tell.

AutoGroup · 19/06/2021 11:23

When you say you met him on the way to school, how exactly did that happen?

I think it is a big deal if he was targeting girls on their way to school.

BigWoollyJumpers · 19/06/2021 11:24

By that time I had a fiance of the same age as me.......

Naunet · 19/06/2021 11:24

[quote Blissbiz]@fakeplantsdontlookreal I think you're right, it could ruin his life if I did something about it, seems it was common enough. I don't think he's still doing that now. Time to move on I think[/quote]
“Ruining his life” should not be a factor in how you deal with this. You’re not responsible for his choices. I’m not saying you should do anything about it now, but don’t lump yourself with the responsibility of protecting him from his own behaviour.

agododopushpineapple · 19/06/2021 11:24

@joneje1

A lot of people are saying move on based on the fact you felt comfortable at the time but from his point of view that's still against the law and if that gives men in their twenties the perception that going with an underage child (which is the reality) is acceptable then I think you should come forward but it's completely your decision and you need to consider if it will affect your life

What if he's continued to do this with younger girls as he got older and they are told to 'move on' ? I don't think it's the right message to be sending to young girls

I research a lot into child trafficking and peadophiles and raise awareness if I can so I know how bad it is out there and how desperate other children are for people to speak up and help them. The biggest issue now is that they don't look like your typical predators, they are young successful men and women with access to things like the dark web etc and particularly if he's famous he's in a position of power which is more worrying

I hope this helps and provides a different opinion to consider Smile

I’m not sure how OP going out with someone 30 years ago gives young men now the idea that it’s ok.

I also doubt (bearing in mind the Op has mentioned he’s all over TV) that he’s continuing to date young girls.

OP can feel how she wants (as can all of us) but guilt tripping with that “he will do it to others” doesn’t help anyone.

Original poster
Blissbiz · 19/06/2021 11:24

@Maves I'm not sure if it's because he's famous, I think it might be and I'm not even sure why that is. I think because he has a squeaky clean image, family man etc

OP posts:
joneje1 · 19/06/2021 11:27

@scubadive

Things were different then, lots of older boys went with younger girls, they weren’t taught it was wrong like they are today, at 23 he was only young himself, don’t try to cause trouble for him.
No wonder the world is full of predators being excused by shocking justice systems and mental illnesses are on the rise in young adults when there are people out there with opinions like this. Your what we would call a peadophile sympathiser and one of the biggest issues when it comes to children being abused.
me4real · 19/06/2021 11:27

It must make you very uncomfortable to see him on TV.

Do I need to just forget about it and move on, he doesn't come across as creepy or sleazy

@Blissbiz They hardly ever do.

I had a boy who did sexual stuff to me when I was 15 (he kind of bamboozled me into it) and it still feels really wrong as I was so innocent and he was just trying to get sex out of me.

Have therapy if you feel the need.

Police are crap but you could go to them if you like, at least so something's on file if another woman tries.

paddingtonbearmeetsdeadpool · 19/06/2021 11:34

Didn't Rolf Harris have a squeaky clean image? Until it all came out that he sexually assaulted 4 underage girls. Just saying

RecycledCurtainPole · 19/06/2021 11:35

Sadly, I think it was just very, very normal back then. We had a 24 year old teacher who had been with her husband for ten years, even though he was ten years older that her. Openly acknowledged, no eyelids batted.

AlGorithim · 19/06/2021 11:36

@TheGumption

I agree with *@Bluntness100* on this one (for once!) Grin
I do too, amazingly.

While I feel that a lot of people’s relationships in the past have been unhealthy, there seems to be a tendency to view past relationships through the lens of today’s hypervigilance to abusive situations. It’s not good or healthy to dwell on minor events from many years ago while trying to apply a label of abuse to them, especially if you’re not in a good place currently and trying to understand why you feel the way you do.

I’m not trivialising past abusive relationships or suggesting that it’s absolutely fine for older men to date underage girls, but I don’t think it’s quite as black and white as saying ‘I was 15, he was 23 = abuse’. That kind of age range was common between couples where I grew up too.

Frankly, it feels more questionable to me now that men in their 40s and 50s hassled me for dates when I was 17/18.

Benjispruce3 · 19/06/2021 11:37

@Serin now I would, yes. When I was 15(1980s) it wasn’t that unusual.