I was 15 he was 23

[Blissbiz]

I was 15 he was 23 and was my "boyfriend" for about 3 or 4 months although thinking back he was obviously sleeping with other people.
He is famous now, really famous and in the media alot.He didn't force me, actually I was flattered but now I can't stop thinking about it. My daughter is now 15 and I can't imagine her with someone this age or why he would want to be with her!
Do I need to just forget about it and move on, he doesn't come across as creepy or sleazy, quite the opposite in interviews but I'm struggling to see him without feeling angry.

Whether or not there was something wrong with the relationship, it sounds like you have uncomfortable feelings around it that are not resolving, so in your shoes I would seek counselling.

I agree with @Bluntness100 on this one (for once!)

The fact that it wasn't seen as outrageous as it would be today doesn't mean that these men weren't predatory.

Similar experience OP, except I was 14 and there were several men (all in the same "friendship" group) ranging from 19 to mid 30s

I think it depends on how you feel. At 14/15 I went out with several men in their very late teens and early twenties.
I also drank, smoked, went to nightclubs and to be honest took drugs.

Of all of that - there is only one encounter I feel uncomfortable with and that was a man I think really did take advantage of me (once, I was very drunk).

I think this was the norm - and that we can still know the difference between someone who was quite clearly predatory and someone who isn’t but was “of that time”.

Back in the 80s there was no social media. Convos were face to face, or phone calls made in the hall on the stairs. There was no online grooming because there was no online. These men were often known. Friends of a friend. Friend of the family. Someone who goes to the local pub. Friend of older siblings ect.

In my friend's case the man was vaguely known to her parents through her fathers hobby iirc.

Maybe because these were men were in plain sight, not someone hiding behind a screen, it wasn't felt as so sinister. If that makes sense?

Still doesn't make it right, btw. What else does a mid 20s bloke see in a 14 year old? Apart from the creepy obvious?

I think this was the norm - and that we can still know the difference between someone who was quite clearly predatory and someone who isn’t but was “of that time”

You mean men though don’t you? Because despite it being Different Times,, women still weren’t chasing school boys.

Your own child is always going to seem younger than you felt at that age. At 16 I lost my virginity to my 22 yr old bf. It didn’t seem weird then and honestly doesn’t seem weird now. I certainly wasn’t unusual in my friendship group. I left home at 16, was working, paying rent and bills etc etc. Childhood has somewhat extended over the years. My dad left school at 14 and was working etc. In my era quite a few kids left home at 16. Now it’s almost unheard of to leave before 18. That’s not a bad thing. But you can’t compare now to then.

When I was 15/16 I was mad about an older neighbour for a while (21-23, cool, going to college, in a band). Luckily he was kind, friendly ... looking back I would have done anything if he wanted. I still see him every few months. Today he is bald, working in tech area, still in a band, as a kind and friendly as ever. I was lucky.

women still weren’t chasing school boys. Not overtly but you read a lot of autobiographies where men seem to have lost their virginity (as teens) to much older women.

Tbh you was under 16 so it was rape. Name and shame him

@Bluntness100

For goodness sake. I’m a grown woman. It is my life and my views end of. I’m not changing my truth because it doesn’t sit well with some randoms on line.

And asking the op what’s driving her anger is a valid question.

Because she was a child and he was an adult and as a parent, looking back she now feels groomed and taken advantage of.

It’s not really hard to grasp!

You’re a grown woman now, you weren’t then.

When I was a teenager it was "cool" to lose your virginity as young as possible to be in the "in" crowd. The girls used to regularly brag about how they had their first legal fuck after they turned 16 and what rebels they were.

I think your anger is understandable op and while I’m sure you could elaborate more, it comes across in your OP that now having a 15yr old, you are likely reflecting how an under 16 (and probably many older teens too) struggle to give really informed consent. And that men take advantage of this. Consent is tricky at that age. I lost my virginity when I was nearly 15, he was 17, on the face of it I consented and wanted to, but I also had little confidence, wanted to feel loved, keen to please etc. Looking back, I had no clue what was happening and it was a ‘done to me’ experience rather than a mutual exploration of you see what I mean. But I didn’t and don’t consider it rape exactly, but I do now technically see it that way. I don’t think under 16s can meaningfully consent and if men could respect this then they would not pursue teenage children. I will have much more explicit conversations with my children about consent than ever happened to me.

I’m sorry you are struggling, OP. I went on for many years to have sex to please mixed in with my own desire and it has/is taking many years to disentangle that. That makes me angry and it is ok to say you were taken advantage of, it’s ok if others feel differently too.

OP, you have every right to be angry. Having said that, I do agree with PPs that it was a different world, when many of us were teens (not knowing how old you are, of course).

For example, my godparents who were extremely strait-laced - didn't believe in sex before marriage - were fine with their daughter and me going to over-18 clubs when we were 15, and with us drinking as long as we didn't get too sloshed.

It is not ok, but it seems to happen quite a lot. I was 18 (so over the age of consent I realise and an adult) but vulnerable as I has just lost my Dad to cancer and I was responding by behaving rather recklessly. He was 30. Lasted a few weeks. Looking back he wasn’t caring or what I thought he was, he was in it for the sex.
It wasn’t illegal, but it taught me a lot about life. I choose to move on.

It wasn't cool to lose your virginity early when I was young and I never slept with older guys,

I would put it behind you, providing that there was no forcing/coercion going on.

Yes he knew I was 15 I first met him on the way to school! I'm not sure why I'm angry now, I suppose because my daughter is 15 and I would definitely not want this happening. I can see why a 15 year old would fancy a 23 year old but why would a 23 year old man think that it was OK. I suppose because he's on the telly coming across as a family man it annoys me, I've never read anything bad about him and I was wondering what other people's views were really. I'd like to name and shame him but I wouldn't want to bring the hassle on myself but I do wonder if it was a 1 off of if he has slept with lots of underage girls.
I also wasn't sure if this was normal back then, it didn't seem strange to me, I felt quite flattered to be honest.

Giving away my age here, but I was 16 in 1996 and it was certainly not acceptable then. Yes, it happened and still happens but everyone knew it was creepy and wrong.

@storminasnowglobe

Back in the late 80s/early 90s when I was a teen there was a clear cultural narrative (in teen mags etc) that boys matured later than girls and therefore it was entirely acceptable (indeed desirable amongst many of my peers) for 15 year old girls to go out with boys in their early 20s who they saw as their "equals" rather than boys their own age who were considered too young. I can only speak for my own friendship group who definitely viewed the older boyfriend as the prize.

Like you OP I have teen daughters now and the idea of them with 20+ year old boyfriends is almost unthinkable. But I also think that they would think a man of this age who was interested in them was "old" and "creepy" and run a mile whereas when I was that age my friends and I were actively seeking them out .
Times have changed. Views have changed. I think the saying "the past is another country" is just so true.

I remember this. There absolutely was a narrative that boys our own age were immature, and to go out with older men. One of the girls in my school (about 1995) got pregnant at 14 by a 32 year old. We thought she was so cool having an older boyfriend, and then when she got pregnant, she was treated badly by the school looking back, she had to do work on her own in the library and was not allowed to attend class with us. It was very much seen as she was in the wrong and “stupid” for getting pregnant. Looking back now, having been involved in safeguarding in schools, I am horrified.

It was the 90s, which I think wasn't long ago but I'm obviously just getting old He wasn't famous at the time either.

@scubadive

Things were different then, lots of older boys went with younger girls, they weren’t taught it was wrong like they are today, at 23 he was only young himself, don’t try to cause trouble for him.

Very true, most girls I knew when I was 15 or so were sleeping with older guys (including me). We were only considered to be 'children' when parents and 'parental' figures wanted to yank our chains & exert their authority. It was normal back then , sometimes a quite respectful relationship ending in marriage, more often not, but none of us would have expected to be treated in a 'special' way because we were so young. If anything went wrong, girl would be blamed.

Seems dreadful now. I have mixed feelings looking back. I wasn't very savvy and wish I had been, I could have done some exploiting and got what I wanted but - didn't know how. I was too vulnerable and needy.

It's amazing to me that I eventually got together with, and married, a guy less than a year older than me. It was nice, we had lived through the same things, understood the music, etc.

I wouldn't have liked my kids to go with much older guys but they didn't, always had a group of friends within age group.

We live and learn.

I've experienced this and that's why I am so strict with my daughters. I cant help but say to myself where was my parents. I was still a child not yet 16. I would never put my e daughters in harm's way and they are now 17, 15, and 13.

@579qkghs

Giving away my age here, but I was 16 in 1996 and it was certainly not acceptable then. Yes, it happened and still happens but everyone knew it was creepy and wrong.

It was pretty acceptable (am roughly the same age). Not 30 year olds and 15 - but early twenties and a 15/16 year old it was pretty normal I think.

It was also pretty normal to be going to pubs, clubs etc as well, I remember going to a wine bar with all the girls from my class to celebrate passing our GCSEs.

I remember this. There absolutely was a narrative that boys our own age were immature, and to go out with older men

Absolutely, it was everywhere in magazines, magazines that were owned and run by middle aged men. Middle aged men setting the narrative that teenage girls were so grown up and mature, so should date older men….nothing creepy about that!