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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband got back at half 5 this morning

941 replies

bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 07:39

hello,

based on some of the threads on here, I'm assuming I'm going to get a lot of kill joy comments and the fact it's the euros too but I am annoyed.

my partner said he was going for a "couple" last night. I am 4 months pregnant and we have a one year old. I went to bed at about 10 and heard him come in. when I looked at the time, expecting it to be about half 11 as the pubs round here are still shutting earlier than usual it was half 5!

what has pissed me off about this is, one year old has woken up at 7, we went down about half 7 and of course, he is totally dead to the world. he has slept in our spare room downstairs which is something I suppose.

he was meant to be looking after the one year old for me whilst I go out for lunch today but he isnt responding to me at all. or the one year old.

he was out all day for the game last sunday too, was out pretty much the whole of the bank holiday and last Saturday too.

I'm getting fed up now, I'm not going to be able to leave the one year old with him, it is like he is unconscious and I'm meant to be going at 11.

not cool - pre kids, it wouldnt of been an issue but think he needs to grow up a bit. not against having a bit of fun but rocking in at that time when you are supposed to be looking after your child the next day is taking the piss.

has ruined my day too now and he will inevitably be feeling very sorry for himself.

OP posts:
TerritorialPissings · 19/06/2021 08:35

@DotsandCo

Stop being a martyr about this!! It's way too early to be talking about 'my day is ruined' ffs!

As others have said, just wake him at 10 with a cheery Good Morning, a coffee and a bacon sandwich...remind him of your plans and crack on! Don't even engage in or instigate any kind of conversation about last night...or your day will for sure be ruined! Pick up your bag at 11, hand over your 1 year old (even if he's still in bed!!!) and leave!

Make him a bacon sandwich?! Is this a joke?? The guy said he’d be home after a couple, knowing full well OP had plans today (notwithstanding the fact he’s been out the past few weekends too) and he’s rocked up at half 5!! She’s also pregnant and looking after a 1 year so he can sleep off his hangover. Christ, I despair.
Original poster
bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 08:36

I feel like I've been letting things go as well with all these nights out.

one time it was a birthday, the next it was because a family member he hadnt seen in a while was out, then it was because the weather was really nice, then it was because it's the first game of the euros, now it's because it was the scotland game.

I've been so accommodating to him. I also have to say considering I do all the night time wakes up too and I also work a full time job that the idea I should be making him coffee and giving him a lovely lay in because its "kind" is baffling.

OP posts:
anunexaminedlife · 19/06/2021 08:36

Really? You’d be able to relax knowing your one year old was with someone in this state?

He will be hungover, not pissed and falling over. He may feel unwell but we have all had to her on with it when we have felt awful but also have children to deal with. He will just have to get it together.

Whyhello · 19/06/2021 08:37

I’ve looked after a 1 year old while I had norovirus.

Me too, I’ve breastfed two babies with norovirus too. Literally had a baby on my boob with a bowl under my chin to catch the vomit. Funny how Mother’s never get the opportunity to stop being a Mother but Father’s regularly cop out of parenting like this idiot.

Get dressed, try to wake him again half an hour before you’re due to go and if he doesn’t wake up I’d throw some water on him when it’s time to go and put the toddler on the bed next to him. Don’t let the selfish twat ruin your day.

BrandNewHeretic · 19/06/2021 08:37

@notacooldad

be kind - got to work both ways though? Absolutely. Ok its Euro season and I'm not interested. In the past I've let dh get in with it and enjoy them but I always went out, spent time with friends, had late nights and dh picked up the slack. The time I enjoyed was December with lots of parties, girls nights out etc and Dh let me get in with it. Team work and support. So I'm not being ridiculous.
You are being ridiculous. You and your DH are taking it in turns. OPs DH has had his turn 3 weekends in a row while OP has been picking up the slack and "being kind." This weekend was her turn, is a lot less time than what DH had on his turn, was prearranged and discussed and was the first time OP had a chance to go out in a month. Its clearly not the same as your situation which is actually fair.
Mrgrinch · 19/06/2021 08:37

@bubblegum02

and honestly, it's just not cool to say you are going out for a couple at your local, home by 11ish and then rock up at half 5 in an absolute state. the bloke is 30 years old and a father, its inconsiderate and very selfish.
Well do something about it then.

Go and wake the selfish fucker up and tell him to sort himself out because you're going out.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 19/06/2021 08:37

Whatever you do don't be a martyr. Your plans are just as important as his. He chose to get drunk knowing he had to look after the 1 year old. Either he did that on purpose not caring that he wouldn't be able to look after his kid (despicable behaviour) or he forgot/got swept up in the moment (forgivable). How he responds now is key. If he is remorseful and makes the effort to get up and allow you your free time then he's not a complete knob. If he refuses then he is showing that he doesn't care about you, your needs, or your childs. He should be prioritising you. Give him a chance by going in to wake him an hour before you need to leave and reminding him of his obligations. If you don't get the response you should be getting then you have a bigger issue in the wide context of your relationship to deal with. But DONT let him off the hook, DONT cancel your plans. Assume your plans are still going ahead, as arranged.

CassandraTrotter · 19/06/2021 08:38

op, don't let it ruin your day. It is still very early. Wake him at 10, then again at ten thirty if needed.

If he is in a selfish, foul mood, UNSAFE to parent, it’s time to think about leaving. You talk about how he should have grown up, but what you're saying is he should change. Men dont usually change. It is a mistake to think you having a baby will suddenly change him. He is thirty. If he was going to stop drinking excessively and be in a more mature mood when hung over, it would have happened already.

This is who he is.

He will always come first.

DoNotEat · 19/06/2021 08:38

Just get ready to go out

nobrainnostyle · 19/06/2021 08:38

@Posieandpip

Unless this happens regularly I wouldn't be bothered at all and unlike all of MN I actually think it's fine for adults to have a proper night out every once in a blue moon!
So you wouldn't be bothered about your plans being ruined then?
CassandraTrotter · 19/06/2021 08:38

As I really, really would want to know where he was until 5.30am atm

AllieBallyBee · 19/06/2021 08:39

@Dontforgetyourbrolly

Op , his life / fun is more important than yours . This is how selfish men behave , once you have kids you are the default parent- on the rare occasion he looks after them he's "helping " you out. I never worked out a way to make him change , and even now post split , on his weekend to have ds he fobs him off on his mum .
This

Plus the attitude to alcohol in the UK is demented. Grown arse adults behaving like teenagers who've just discovered vodka. I'm in Glasgow and I'm sick of what my friends put up with with their husbands and partners. 40+ year old men coming in rat arsed after the football collapsing on the kitchen floor. Wasn't it funny when the toddler found dad sleeping on the floor in the morning? No it f*ing wasn't.

Anyone who thinks this behaviour is cool has a massively unhealthy attitude to alcohol IMO.

OP I hope you can still enjoy your day.

DoNotEat · 19/06/2021 08:39

Don't ring your mum. Get him to ring his. He can explain to her what he's done

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 19/06/2021 08:39

@Posieandpip

Unless this happens regularly I wouldn't be bothered at all and unlike all of MN I actually think it's fine for adults to have a proper night out every once in a blue moon!
This!! Had to do a lot of scrolling down to find someone like myself!!
BrandNewHeretic · 19/06/2021 08:40

You don’t sound like you respect or even love him OP

Jesus. And how does his behaviour reflect his respect and love for OP?

Original poster
bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 08:40

he will have been at one of the guys houses where they would of been doing cocaine until the early hours of the morning.

I dont think my partner does it himself but I know the rest of them certainly do.

OP posts:
Original poster
bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 08:41

@Littlefluffyclouds13 cant have been that much scrolling, that post was on the first page.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 19/06/2021 08:41

he is a fully grown man, why should I be trying to quiten the 1 year old because of the choices he made?
To be kind?

Urg, I hate how the 'be kind' phrase is seeping into bloody everything! It's such an annoyance!
.aybe but it has been ourfamily mantra long before it was a hashing and it only applies if it goes both ways in a relationship.
I've been treated with kindness when I've made mistakes, stayed out later than I intended and got caught up having a great time with mates when I had very young children. I'm not being a cool wife or shit like that but treated dh how I was treated.

Threewheeler1 · 19/06/2021 08:42

He'll have to bloody manage, in the same way millions of parents have to cope when they are sick and have kids to look after.
Get yourself out for your day OP, and try to enjoy it!

maddening · 19/06/2021 08:42

He can have 5 hours sleep and if not Still pissed deal with a 1 year old and a hangover

DinosaurDiana · 19/06/2021 08:42

So he’s the only one there not doing drugs ? Really ?

CassandraTrotter · 19/06/2021 08:42

@bubblegum02

he will have been at one of the guys houses where they would of been doing cocaine until the early hours of the morning.

I dont think my partner does it himself but I know the rest of them certainly do.

Youre quite deluded if you think he would be there, the only one not doing cocaine. While everyone else did.
Guavafish · 19/06/2021 08:42

Agree with others.. let him sleep until 10.30 then wake him up with coffee and water. Ask him to look after the baby as your going out for lunch!

I’m sure he will be ok by then

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 19/06/2021 08:42

@bubblegum02
But your day isn't ruined?
You're annoyed that he's not up but there's still plenty of time for him to get up and for you to go out.
He won't be the only parent dealing with a hangover today.
Such a fuss about something that's not even happened yet, you haven't missed your lunch date!

30mph · 19/06/2021 08:43

I'd be inclined to the short sharp shock reaction, pack a bag and go away for a couple of days. Give yourself a chance to think carefully about how you want this relationship to be, consider what your hopes are, what your line in the sand actually is. And, give him a chance to either come good and be a decent husband and father, and consider what his priorities in life really are.