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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband got back at half 5 this morning

941 replies

bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 07:39

hello,

based on some of the threads on here, I'm assuming I'm going to get a lot of kill joy comments and the fact it's the euros too but I am annoyed.

my partner said he was going for a "couple" last night. I am 4 months pregnant and we have a one year old. I went to bed at about 10 and heard him come in. when I looked at the time, expecting it to be about half 11 as the pubs round here are still shutting earlier than usual it was half 5!

what has pissed me off about this is, one year old has woken up at 7, we went down about half 7 and of course, he is totally dead to the world. he has slept in our spare room downstairs which is something I suppose.

he was meant to be looking after the one year old for me whilst I go out for lunch today but he isnt responding to me at all. or the one year old.

he was out all day for the game last sunday too, was out pretty much the whole of the bank holiday and last Saturday too.

I'm getting fed up now, I'm not going to be able to leave the one year old with him, it is like he is unconscious and I'm meant to be going at 11.

not cool - pre kids, it wouldnt of been an issue but think he needs to grow up a bit. not against having a bit of fun but rocking in at that time when you are supposed to be looking after your child the next day is taking the piss.

has ruined my day too now and he will inevitably be feeling very sorry for himself.

OP posts:
Lorw · 19/06/2021 08:22

I don’t like the fact that women are always the default. If she wasn’t there he wouldn’t be able to go out and get shit faced when he had a child to look after, he’s only done it cause he knows she’s there to pick up his parenting slack and didn’t think about OP at all who has been looking after their child every weekend when he’s been able to go out and not even think about it, and somehow the one time he knows OP has got plans and he will have to look after his own child, surprise surprise has gone out and got shitfaced and not come in till 5:30 Hmm

Original poster
bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 08:22

@FakeFruitShoot

It's only 8.19! Why are posters egging OP on into a panic? Unless there's a massive back story (and no chance of OP having a lie in tomorrow) I think it'd be really unkind to wake him up now just for the sake of it.
I'm not in a panic, I'm pissed off
OP posts:
Cailin66 · 19/06/2021 08:23

You should turn off his alarm and let him sleep until 10:30, wake him up with water and a strong coffee, and suggest he has a shower. All of those things will help him to be awake enough to mind the baby. Don't let this mean your day is ruined. Have it out with him another day. And if it's just the odd one off, and given it was a very big match yesterday, even I watched it, it's understandable, particularly given we all have been under Covid restrictions that people are going to enjoy the Euro's by blowing off steam.

Slimmingstar · 19/06/2021 08:23

I’ve been out with heavy drinkers before, but it was never a serious relationship.
The man I have chosen to commit to is not into sport or heavy drinking. He’s caring, committed and considerate.
It’s too late now, but women - think carefully before you have kids with these selfish men!

MarrymeTomHardy · 19/06/2021 08:23

@LividBlabber

Would all those “just leave the baby with him and go” people REALLY leave a toddler with a possibly still drunk, maybe still catatonic man? REALLY?

As if. It’s not that simple, which is why “men” like this always end up ruining lives for women.

My thoughts exactly... If he has been drinking until 5:30am, ni fit state... OTOH he could have fallen asleep on a mates sofa much earlier and then dragged himself home at 5:30, in which case he might be OK...
Sometimesfraught82 · 19/06/2021 08:23

He’s been unfair and thoughtless

It’s the start of the weekend though Op. you’re at the start of the weekend and at a fork. Do you get a in terrible (justified!) mood and spoil it for yourself
Or
Make the best of it.
Sort childcare or bring your child. Won’t be the same but bring iPad, toys and snacks. You WILL get lunch cooked for you and your WILL see your friends.

Then feat yourself to something. A nice coffee whilst out with child, something for summer, beautiful stationary, a candle, massive slab of cake…. Whatever floats your boat.

And tonight… no cooking. Husband cooks or arranged a take out and does all bath and bedtime whilst you chill

Make the best of it. For your sake

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 19/06/2021 08:24

@Willwebebuyingnumber11

But that's the point. For her, it has become one sided. Yet again, she is expected to do all the grunt work as well as keeping the child quiet for hill to have another weekend of being a drunk. Even though they discussed it beforehand, agreed he would be out for a couple of hours and not get drunk because he is meant to be in sole charge of the child and they both know that he cannot handle hangovers. But he has totally thrown her under the bus and just done what he wanted.... again.

And you're telling her to be kind? That old chestnut which is dragged out and told to women whenever a man does something shitty. We're meant to "be kind".

No.

It works in your household because it's fair, you both do that for each other, you both get your turns out etc. But that isnt what the OP has. It's all one sided, but it's worse this time because she was meant to get a chance to go out.. and look what he has done. She knows him, we don't, and she is saying that from their experience, he cannot handle a hangover and will be no use to them today if the child isnt going to be neglected. And you're telling her to be kind?

The misogyny is strong here.

notacooldad · 19/06/2021 08:25

be kind - got to work both ways though?
Absolutely. Ok its Euro season and I'm not interested. In the past I've let dh get in with it and enjoy them but I always went out, spent time with friends, had late nights and dh picked up the slack.
The time I enjoyed was December with lots of parties, girls nights out etc and Dh let me get in with it. Team work and support.
So I'm not being ridiculous.

anunexaminedlife · 19/06/2021 08:25

Just leave him to look after his own kid and go out as planned. I wouldn't be making him a coffee before I left though, he has hands. Hungover or not, he will have no choice other than to get his shit together enough to parent for a few hours, his problem.

Birkie248 · 19/06/2021 08:25

He’s got a couple of hours to sober up yet before you need to leave. If I was you I’d still be planning on going.... tough if he feels shite with his hangover and has to look after the 1 year old.
He does sound very immature coming in so pissed up at that time and selfish to do it 3 weekends in a row.

ScrumptiousBears · 19/06/2021 08:26

I feel your pain OP. My DP had two days off in the week as he's working the weekend and yesterday he was meant to take the kids to school then we were meant to start decorating the livingroom. He got drunk and didn't get out of bed until 1230. I was livid as I'd been left to start by myself. What annoys me is he always knows I'll pull it out the bag and he can be flaky and rely on me. 😡

Sometimesfraught82 · 19/06/2021 08:27

@anunexaminedlife

Just leave him to look after his own kid and go out as planned. I wouldn't be making him a coffee before I left though, he has hands. Hungover or not, he will have no choice other than to get his shit together enough to parent for a few hours, his problem.
Really? You’d be able to relax knowing your one year old was with someone in this state?
Soontobe60 · 19/06/2021 08:27

I wouldn’t bother trying to get him up to look after dc, he’ll be in a state. Is there anyone else who dc can go to whilst you go for lunch? If so, organise that, leave dh to sober up, go and have a good time.

DotsandCo · 19/06/2021 08:28

Stop being a martyr about this!! It's way too early to be talking about 'my day is ruined' ffs!

As others have said, just wake him at 10 with a cheery Good Morning, a coffee and a bacon sandwich...remind him of your plans and crack on! Don't even engage in or instigate any kind of conversation about last night...or your day will for sure be ruined! Pick up your bag at 11, hand over your 1 year old (even if he's still in bed!!!) and leave!

Original poster
bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 08:28

I just find it baffling, like I said pre kids whatever you've got no responsibilities I'm not your mum, stay out until whenever you want, drink however much you want.

but we have a one year old and another on the way.

I can't imagine what the comments would be the other way round.

OP posts:
Sometimesfraught82 · 19/06/2021 08:29

@DotsandCo

Stop being a martyr about this!! It's way too early to be talking about 'my day is ruined' ffs!

As others have said, just wake him at 10 with a cheery Good Morning, a coffee and a bacon sandwich...remind him of your plans and crack on! Don't even engage in or instigate any kind of conversation about last night...or your day will for sure be ruined! Pick up your bag at 11, hand over your 1 year old (even if he's still in bed!!!) and leave!

This. M Don’t cut your nose off to spite your face
FakeFruitShoot · 19/06/2021 08:29

Aaah, ok, I hadn't realised there was a worry over whether he'd be sober enough for childcare. That is bang out of order if that's the case.

mellicauli · 19/06/2021 08:30

He can look after the 1 year old with a hangover. Don't bail him out from his mistakes: you are not the his mum and by bailing him out you are not letting him how childish his decisions are.

Go out for lunch..stay sober..but don't come back til midnight. Why should you suffer his bad temper?

TDogsInHats · 19/06/2021 08:30

Whatever happens today OP, your day will have a dark cloud over it.
You obviously want to know whereabouts he's been, but you won't get a sensible answer or any response while the drunk fuck is in a stupor.
I don't often swear on here, but he's totally fucked your day up even if he manages to rouse himself sufficiently to enable you to go out.
Do you have a brother who could have a word with him? What about his dad?
Flowers

Original poster
bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 08:31

and honestly, it's just not cool to say you are going out for a couple at your local, home by 11ish and then rock up at half 5 in an absolute state. the bloke is 30 years old and a father, its inconsiderate and very selfish.

OP posts:
Sometimesfraught82 · 19/06/2021 08:31

If still I this state, def need to take with

But give a few hours and might really improve

Sometimesfraught82 · 19/06/2021 08:32

@bubblegum02

and honestly, it's just not cool to say you are going out for a couple at your local, home by 11ish and then rock up at half 5 in an absolute state. the bloke is 30 years old and a father, its inconsiderate and very selfish.
Agreed

But are you going to let that fundamental fact ruin your day?

You don’t sound like you respect or even love him OP

Something to deal with another time!

Today - it’s about making the best of it

MichelleScarn · 19/06/2021 08:32

he is a fully grown man, why should I be trying to quiten the 1 year old because of the choices he made?
To be kind?

Urg, I hate how the 'be kind' phrase is seeping into bloody everything! It's such an annoyance!

CroneAVirus · 19/06/2021 08:35

I’d want to know where he was until 5.30am.

Hope your mum can step in and you still get to go for lunch.

Lol at everyone telling you to ‘be kind’ when he has been anything but.

BeBloodyBold · 19/06/2021 08:35

@Ostryga

What a knob. Chuck a pint of cold water on him at 10, hand him the 1 year old and get ready.

It’s always men that can’t look after kids after a drink. I’m pretty sure most mums have had a hangover and managed to still get up and parent safely the next day. I know I have!

This. If he's still drunk, obviously he can't look after your DD, but if he's just hungover of course he can. He doesn't have to do an amazing job, you just need to be confident he can keep your daughter safe.
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