husband got back at half 5 this morning

[bubblegum02]

hello,

based on some of the threads on here, I'm assuming I'm going to get a lot of kill joy comments and the fact it's the euros too but I am annoyed.

my partner said he was going for a "couple" last night. I am 4 months pregnant and we have a one year old. I went to bed at about 10 and heard him come in. when I looked at the time, expecting it to be about half 11 as the pubs round here are still shutting earlier than usual it was half 5!

what has pissed me off about this is, one year old has woken up at 7, we went down about half 7 and of course, he is totally dead to the world. he has slept in our spare room downstairs which is something I suppose.

he was meant to be looking after the one year old for me whilst I go out for lunch today but he isnt responding to me at all. or the one year old.

he was out all day for the game last sunday too, was out pretty much the whole of the bank holiday and last Saturday too.

I'm getting fed up now, I'm not going to be able to leave the one year old with him, it is like he is unconscious and I'm meant to be going at 11.

not cool - pre kids, it wouldnt of been an issue but think he needs to grow up a bit. not against having a bit of fun but rocking in at that time when you are supposed to be looking after your child the next day is taking the piss.

has ruined my day too now and he will inevitably be feeling very sorry for himself.

[quote Jigglywobbly]@bubblegum02. Did he apologise to you or say he would change?[/quote]
he apogised, I would rather he didn't proclaim huge changes as actions speak louder than words.

hopefully, the message has gotten through. After the things I shared with him relating to my own childhood I will be very disappointed if it hasn't.

Good luck op , I hope he really listened x

So sorry so many posters have made ridiculous and unfathomably weird comments OP. Perhaps they stink and are projecting. 😂 I am glad he seemed to listen to you and hope that he will step up and parent properly now.

No projecting here thelastbeach

But you crack on dear.

@LividBlabber

Would all those “just leave the baby with him and go” people REALLY leave a toddler with a possibly still drunk, maybe still catatonic man? REALLY?

As if. It’s not that simple, which is why “men” like this always end up ruining lives for women.

I was thinking this as well.

No way would I leave my child with someone who was likely to still be drunk, or at least not in a fit state to be looking after a young child.

Some things are more important than “winning”.

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

No projecting here thelastbeach

But you crack on dear.

Sorry, I've lost track. Were you the stinky poster? Or are you projecting?

Think you have been quite argumentative towards posters @bubblegum02

Your children have no choice but to live in this life with a drunk useless father, but you do have the choice on letting your kids grow up seeing the same things you did, or protect them from it, and as for the smell, I work in A&E and I can sense exactly what kind of shift I'm going to have by smell when walking through the door.

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger

Think you have been quite argumentative towards posters *@bubblegum02*

Your children have no choice but to live in this life with a drunk useless father, but you do have the choice on letting your kids grow up seeing the same things you did, or protect them from it, and as for the smell, I work in A&E and I can sense exactly what kind of shift I'm going to have by smell when walking through the door.

And how is that? I have the most sensitivie sense of smell of anybody I have ever met. Even emptying bins will make me throw up. Or chopping raw meat. But the plus sude is an excellent palate for food and good taste in perfumes.

I absolutely agree with keeping children away from a useless father.

I am just interested in what part of your sense of smell enables you to detect this? And why you have not used this skill before now to detect shit fathers and have the scooped up before they fuck up their families?

Or maybe the whole idea that you can "smell" messed up, abusive people is bullshit.

No way would I leave my child with someone who was likely to still be drunk, or at least not in a fit state to be looking after a young child.

Absolutely. Neither would I. OP definitely did the right thing on that account.

Neither thelastbeach

As I said, crack on.

There is no point of point in putting a big grin if what you say isn’t funny.

I have been where the OP is, with the ex and with my father. I know it all too well thanks.

LTB gets thrown around so easily on here and I do think to myself sometimes if the situations are not abusive or immediately dangerous, is that posters life going to improve by leaving straight away?

This infuriates me every time people say this. LTB doesn't get thrown around on here. LTB gets suggested when someone’s behaviour is poor, lacking respect for boundaries, selfish and controlling. Or when people are clearly incompatible and it is impacting their lives. Or when the children are being emotionally harmed.

If women left controlling / selfish / abusive men who refused to respect their boundaries straight away, then it would prevent it from ever getting to the dangerous point. Posters suggest it as they can see more clearly it as they are removed from the situation. They are not the ones blinded by ‘knowing him better,’ or worse, just hoping he will change.

When women post the ridiculous statement on MN about LTB being ‘thrown around’, it reinforces for other women that they should just put up with poor treatment.

Well done OP-I hope your DH understands and improves his behaviour.

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger

Think you have been quite argumentative towards posters *@bubblegum02*

Your children have no choice but to live in this life with a drunk useless father, but you do have the choice on letting your kids grow up seeing the same things you did, or protect them from it, and as for the smell, I work in A&E and I can sense exactly what kind of shift I'm going to have by smell when walking through the door.

I don't think I have been remotely arguementative - i am assuming based on the smell comment at the end of your post you are referring to me questioning that person who wrote 'I bet the house stinks' with no other initial context. Of course that comes across rude.

I actually think considering some of the things I have been called and had insinuated on here I have been perfectly balanced. No name calling nor swearing which is usually the tell tale signs an OP is beginning to loose their cool.

@CassandraTrotter

LTB gets thrown around so easily on here and I do think to myself sometimes if the situations are not abusive or immediately dangerous, is that posters life going to improve by leaving straight away?

This infuriates me every time people say this. LTB doesn't get thrown around on here. LTB gets suggested when someone’s behaviour is poor, lacking respect for boundaries, selfish and controlling. Or when people are clearly incompatible and it is impacting their lives. Or when the children are being emotionally harmed.

If women left controlling / selfish / abusive men who refused to respect their boundaries straight away, then it would prevent it from ever getting to the dangerous point. Posters suggest it as they can see more clearly it as they are removed from the situation. They are not the ones blinded by ‘knowing him better,’ or worse, just hoping he will change.

When women post the ridiculous statement on MN about LTB being ‘thrown around’, it reinforces for other women that they should just put up with poor treatment.

Yes but in my circumstances, and the experience of another poster who shared when 'LTB' was repeatedly said to her - and also that apparently another woman would be in her bed within half an hour - can you honestly not see why this probably wouldn't be the logical first step for me?

I am 4 months pregnant with a one year old, we share a house, a car, a life. This last month has not been great no, and yes I did feel very let down by him this weekend but I also did say him coming in at half 5 in the morning was not a common occurence and the reason I was so irritated this time was because it was the first time in a long while I had pre arranged something for myself.

I also did state that it is perfectly reasonable to advice leaving IF said poster appears to be in a dangerous or abusive relationship. However, there are times when it is simply not needed and does come across I'm afraid as if people are enjoying the entertainment.

A poster on here wrote not too far back 'anyone else think the OP has even spoken to her husband' - so this is why I question the motives of posters sometimes. You honestly think that poster, who can I just say that was the first time they commented, honestly give a shiny shit about me or my children? Of course not - they wanted the drama.

advise*

@ Cassandra I’m sorry but I have seen it used in lots of threads where the OP has posted very minor issues, this thread is a case in point. The trouble is many people commenting are projecting or making a huge leap or comparing it to their own circumstances. Yes, sometimes it raises red flags but I do think it’s overused in MN and used carelessly without knowing the whole situation, which we can never do because we only get a tiny snapshot of what someone decides to tell us. So no, I don’t think it is often used in a thoughtful or useful way sadly.

hopefully, the message has gotten through. After the things I shared with him relating to my own childhood I will be very disappointed if it hasn't.

@bubblegum02 I’m sorry this has triggered difficult memories and I’m sorry your DH has behaved so selfishly.

But you need to separate the two.

Using your childhood trauma to persuade your DH to change his behaviour is muddying the water. And may be counter-productive. Your DH’s behaviour is objectively selfish and irresponsible. Even if you had experienced a picture-perfect father, your DH is behaving like a selfish man-child. Your DH needs to learn how to have fun and still be present for his family - not because you have special needs, but because he doesn’t.

I agree: he shouldn't be changing his behaviour as a big favour because OP is being triggered by bad childhood memories. He should he changing his behaviour for his own self respect because he is a husband and father with responsibilities and he wants to be in an equal, respectful, loving adult partnership with the woman he loves and build a happy family with their children. Because he's done with his flaky, boozy, teenage years now and wants better for himself and the people he loves.

If he says he'll tone it down a bit as a big favour, there is nothing but resentment left in the future.

I think maybe it has been misread a bit by what I meant that I mentioned my childhood.

I was using it as a means to show what it could lead his children to viewing him as, which is how me and my brother view our father. so showing it from an entirely different perspective that is neither mine nor his but what our kids could see him as.

his behaviour hasnt triggered childhood memories as such, I was just explaining to him that this is where it began with my own dad who went on to be the useless specimen I know (or not) today.

ahh a cool girl. sorry - should of realised.

please don’t be so ridiculous

and of course I'm not unreasonable (no matter how much some of you try to get me to bite!)

like i said thanks for the sensible comments.

I dont think anyone in their right minds genuinely think that but who can resist the urge to rile a pregnant woman on AIBU eh!

people are goady on here

are you lacking attention in real life? how weird are you, I think this is the 6th time you've posted with no acknowledgement

seriously, seriously strange.

I find some of the responses very goady and I question the motives of some of them but it is what it is. you put yourself out there when you post on AIBU.

it's not the point at all is it but I give up with posters like you.

can only assume you are a guy

thanks for your psycho analysis though

I have to justify this to you why? you are quite late to the thread, not sure if you've read my posts but I have already had a conversation and set out in my own mind where I go from here. it only matters if I believe he is on drugs, I am the one married to him. I dont believe he is. the end.

I really, really thought you kind of posters were done on this thread

What was your motivation to contribute?

You honestly think that poster, who can I just say that was the first time they commented, honestly give a shiny shit about me or my children? they wanted the drama.

Argumentative? Maybe.

Unnecessarily snippy and rude? Think so.

Perfectly balanced? Only as long as they don’t have an alternative view.

You don’t need to swear or name call to lose your cool.

I think @IAmDaveTheSerialShagger
wasn't far off the mark.

I don't know why people are so adamant he was taking cocaine, plenty of people manage to stay awake until 4am/5am drinking, it's not unheard of and doesn't have to suggest drugs are also at play :/

Glad he apologised OP

@Sayonethingtypeanother

ahh a cool girl. sorry - should of realised.

please don’t be so ridiculous

and of course I'm not unreasonable (no matter how much some of you try to get me to bite!)

like i said thanks for the sensible comments.

I dont think anyone in their right minds genuinely think that but who can resist the urge to rile a pregnant woman on AIBU eh!

people are goady on here

are you lacking attention in real life? how weird are you, I think this is the 6th time you've posted with no acknowledgement

seriously, seriously strange.

I find some of the responses very goady and I question the motives of some of them but it is what it is. you put yourself out there when you post on AIBU.

it's not the point at all is it but I give up with posters like you.

can only assume you are a guy

thanks for your psycho analysis though

I have to justify this to you why? you are quite late to the thread, not sure if you've read my posts but I have already had a conversation and set out in my own mind where I go from here. it only matters if I believe he is on drugs, I am the one married to him. I dont believe he is. the end.

I really, really thought you kind of posters were done on this thread

What was your motivation to contribute?

You honestly think that poster, who can I just say that was the first time they commented, honestly give a shiny shit about me or my children? they wanted the drama.

Argumentative? Maybe.

Unnecessarily snippy and rude? Think so.

Perfectly balanced? Only as long as they don’t have an alternative view.

You don’t need to swear or name call to lose your cool.

I think @IAmDaveTheSerialShagger
wasn't far off the mark.

this is strange to me though because in your determination to prove I was argumentative you have spent time combing through all my responses and there are fair few to achieve...what exactly? if not another debate? if not to be argumentative? I notice you failed to include what those comments were in response to though.

I didnt realise OPs were not allowed to answer accusations, to clear things up where posters have misinterpreted or in general to say anything to any posters who were deliberately going goady.

*being

fully laughing at the accusation of being rude as well, you wanna see what most of those were in response to!

@AryaStarkWolf

I don't know why people are so adamant he was taking cocaine, plenty of people manage to stay awake until 4am/5am drinking, it's not unheard of and doesn't have to suggest drugs are also at play :/

Glad he apologised OP

thank you - hoping the conversation I had with him has been listened to.