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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband got back at half 5 this morning

941 replies

bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 07:39

hello,

based on some of the threads on here, I'm assuming I'm going to get a lot of kill joy comments and the fact it's the euros too but I am annoyed.

my partner said he was going for a "couple" last night. I am 4 months pregnant and we have a one year old. I went to bed at about 10 and heard him come in. when I looked at the time, expecting it to be about half 11 as the pubs round here are still shutting earlier than usual it was half 5!

what has pissed me off about this is, one year old has woken up at 7, we went down about half 7 and of course, he is totally dead to the world. he has slept in our spare room downstairs which is something I suppose.

he was meant to be looking after the one year old for me whilst I go out for lunch today but he isnt responding to me at all. or the one year old.

he was out all day for the game last sunday too, was out pretty much the whole of the bank holiday and last Saturday too.

I'm getting fed up now, I'm not going to be able to leave the one year old with him, it is like he is unconscious and I'm meant to be going at 11.

not cool - pre kids, it wouldnt of been an issue but think he needs to grow up a bit. not against having a bit of fun but rocking in at that time when you are supposed to be looking after your child the next day is taking the piss.

has ruined my day too now and he will inevitably be feeling very sorry for himself.

OP posts:
Escapeas · 21/06/2021 00:02

Sorry, NC fail there! 😂😂😂

whynotwhatknot · 21/06/2021 00:21

Did he apologise thugh op-you told him how you feel which is good but what was his reaction

Spinningaround21 · 21/06/2021 06:37

This thread makes reminds me why I don’t frequent the boards on here often. Some on here are just deliberately nasty, goady and with no advice other than to try and make others feel bad.

Op I’m glad you had a good day, I hope he sorts himself out for yours and the kids sake, maybe got it out of his system. I’d still be concerned that he was out with coke heads until 5:30am though. We’ve all been stir crazy maybe he would think about trying it again seeing his mates do it? You know him best obviously.

NewlyGranny · 21/06/2021 08:01

I hope your DH has grasped that his flaky, teenage lad behaviour does not fly with the parenthood responsibilities he has willingly taken on, OP. You are entitled to a proper grown-up partner, not one who treats you as if you were his mum and he were just one of your children!

You can't be expected to co-parent with a big kid who has no sense of responsibility. Likewise, you need time out occasionally for R&R every bit as much as he does.

Did you ask him how he'd feel if the situation were reversed? If you'd rolled in from a dinner with friends hours late and so hammered you were unfit to be left in charge of your own child and his plans were scuppered unless he could find someone to run the show?

Remember, he knew your plans: he either didn't care enough to remember or he deliberately sabotaged them. Neither is good, is it?

Don't be "on his case" or monitoring his intake etc because that's what parents do for teens: he needs to step up and do that for himself if he wants to be your partner. And not because your own father was such a let-down, either, but because he is a different person from his own childhood and adolescent self now he's a man and a father of one with another on the way.

If in doubt, ask him - and yourself - how someone who loved you and was building a secure family unit with you would behave. That is your entitlement.

Sometimesfraught82 · 21/06/2021 09:24

@Escapeas

Sorry, NC fail there! 😂😂😂
How come you name changed for this thread?!
Excilente · 21/06/2021 09:52

i doubt they've name changed FOR this thread, just name changed in general, as a lot of people do, and forgotten when they replied to the thread.

Bridezillamaybe · 21/06/2021 11:10

Op you've got your head screwed on, you don't get bullied by your partner or the idiots on this thread. It's ridiculous and so predictable; you were getting criticised for being very justifiably annoyed and also for being too soft now by not leaving.

The way people throw out LTB is horrifying. You've got a family together. You shouldn't enter into parenthood with a person you are not prepared to try to work through some problems with.

I remember being new to mumsnet and posting a dilemma, nothing major, was just struggling with some blended family dynamics. For the laugh I searched for my thread the other day.
Some people were helpful, offered advice and varying perspectives and then other people ordering me to move into an apartment to see if he'd drag me back and prove himself. I would hate a man who engaged in these theatrics and I would never subject his children to that sort of drama and chaos. I honestly thought I was missing something obvious that people would throw that sort of advice out. One poster actually stated as fact that if I left there would be another woman living in my house within a matter of weeks.

Original poster
bubblegum02 · 21/06/2021 11:43

@Bridezillamaybe

Op you've got your head screwed on, you don't get bullied by your partner or the idiots on this thread. It's ridiculous and so predictable; you were getting criticised for being very justifiably annoyed and also for being too soft now by not leaving.

The way people throw out LTB is horrifying. You've got a family together. You shouldn't enter into parenthood with a person you are not prepared to try to work through some problems with.

I remember being new to mumsnet and posting a dilemma, nothing major, was just struggling with some blended family dynamics. For the laugh I searched for my thread the other day.
Some people were helpful, offered advice and varying perspectives and then other people ordering me to move into an apartment to see if he'd drag me back and prove himself. I would hate a man who engaged in these theatrics and I would never subject his children to that sort of drama and chaos. I honestly thought I was missing something obvious that people would throw that sort of advice out. One poster actually stated as fact that if I left there would be another woman living in my house within a matter of weeks.

I think it's because as I alluded to in my other comments that some on here do at times forget that real people are behind these threads (most of the time, obviously there are occasional trolls) and that they are looking for genuine advice.

it is easy to say "leave", hes a drug taker (this isnt true but understand why some jumped to that conclusion, even after me explaining why I know he isnt), hes a shit dad, he isnt going to change, this is your life forever, it will only get worse. for some this may well of been there experience but yeah, LTB gets thrown around so easily on here and I do think to myself sometimes if the situations are not abusive or immediately dangerous, is that posters life going to improve by leaving straight away? are any of the posters on here going to be helping financially and emotionally with any children? a lot of people do mean well but I think that's why you have to be careful to remember it's not a soap opera and situations are complicated.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 21/06/2021 11:45

I'd be annoyed about not being able to go for lunch because of him. That's very selfish behaviour

PiersPlowman · 21/06/2021 11:53

The coke would have done it for me. I can’t believe the OP bought the Bill Clinton “…but I didn’t inhale…” excuse.

Original poster
bubblegum02 · 21/06/2021 11:56

@PiersPlowman

The coke would have done it for me. I can’t believe the OP bought the Bill Clinton “…but I didn’t inhale…” excuse.
he doesnt do cocaine. I know he doesnt. you dont know him - I do :)
OP posts:
PiersPlowman · 21/06/2021 12:02

“he doesnt do cocaine. I know he doesnt. you dont know him - I do smile”

You have his word for that, right? Just like you no doubt had his word that he’d come back at a reasonable hour and not rat-arsed.

Original poster
bubblegum02 · 21/06/2021 12:08

@PiersPlowman

“he doesnt do cocaine. I know he doesnt. you dont know him - I do smile”

You have his word for that, right? Just like you no doubt had his word that he’d come back at a reasonable hour and not rat-arsed.

well, he suffered a pretty horrific anxiety attack whilst I was there when he tried it and I have no evidence whatsoever to assume he does it. he doesnt normally come in at that time, I know what people look like on it considering I used to mix with this group too - I wasnt a coke user myself, if anything seeing the shite some of them used to chat and the state they looked put me off rather than encouraging me to use it.

I have to justify this to you why? you are quite late to the thread, not sure if you've read my posts but I have already had a conversation and set out in my own mind where I go from here. it only matters if I believe he is on drugs, I am the one married to him. I dont believe he is. the end.

OP posts:
AnyName1 · 21/06/2021 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PiersPlowman · 21/06/2021 12:12

“ I am the one married to him.”

Yes, indeed you are!

Original poster
bubblegum02 · 21/06/2021 12:31

@AnyName1

Eww. I really couldn't live like that, it's not fair on your kid/s. I bet the house stinks too.
Pardon? I bet the house stinks too? That's an acceptable thing to randomly say is it?
OP posts:
Original poster
bubblegum02 · 21/06/2021 12:32

@PiersPlowman

“ I am the one married to him.”

Yes, indeed you are!

I really, really thought you kind of posters were done on this thread. Sigh.

What was your motivation to contribute? I'm failing to see what point you were making? :S

OP posts:
OrangeRug · 21/06/2021 12:35

@AnyName1

Eww. I really couldn't live like that, it's not fair on your kid/s. I bet the house stinks too.
Er what?
EmbarrassingMama · 21/06/2021 12:40

You should 100% go out for lunch. What a douche.

AnyName1 · 21/06/2021 12:59

It's not your fault, but if he's that hungover he can't get up then he would smell bad!

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 21/06/2021 13:08

To be fair to anyname

If my ex came in after a whole night in the lash, the room he stayed in stank of smoke, beer, drink sweat and though rarely, vomit also. 😤 I could smell where he’d been.

I think I know what that poster meant and I’m sure it wasn’t a slight on your housekeeping OP. Flowers

Original poster
bubblegum02 · 21/06/2021 13:21

There is a difference between saying I bet he stinks vs the house.

And no, the house didn't stink. Sorry, no matter what swing you put on it that was a really weird and irrelevant thing to say.

OP posts:
AnyName1 · 21/06/2021 13:35

Thank you SheldonesqueTheBstard. It's very unpleasant.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 21/06/2021 13:42

Well then bubble you are fortunate. I hated the smell in my house when the ex came home leathered. 😣

I’m sure no harm was meant OP.

Jigglywobbly · 21/06/2021 14:23

@bubblegum02. Did he apologise to you or say he would change?