husband got back at half 5 this morning

[bubblegum02]

hello,

based on some of the threads on here, I'm assuming I'm going to get a lot of kill joy comments and the fact it's the euros too but I am annoyed.

my partner said he was going for a "couple" last night. I am 4 months pregnant and we have a one year old. I went to bed at about 10 and heard him come in. when I looked at the time, expecting it to be about half 11 as the pubs round here are still shutting earlier than usual it was half 5!

what has pissed me off about this is, one year old has woken up at 7, we went down about half 7 and of course, he is totally dead to the world. he has slept in our spare room downstairs which is something I suppose.

he was meant to be looking after the one year old for me whilst I go out for lunch today but he isnt responding to me at all. or the one year old.

he was out all day for the game last sunday too, was out pretty much the whole of the bank holiday and last Saturday too.

I'm getting fed up now, I'm not going to be able to leave the one year old with him, it is like he is unconscious and I'm meant to be going at 11.

not cool - pre kids, it wouldnt of been an issue but think he needs to grow up a bit. not against having a bit of fun but rocking in at that time when you are supposed to be looking after your child the next day is taking the piss.

has ruined my day too now and he will inevitably be feeling very sorry for himself.

He's quiet because he's in the grips of a long hangover/come down - he's probably remorseful about it all just now as the above has that affect anyway, but is he still going to care once he's with the boys and a couple of pints down and the class A's come out? I doubt it!

Totally understand why you want to give him a chance, OP, but in my experience the getting him to empathise route doesn't really work. What does work is firm lines in the sand. If you clearly state exactly what you expect, and what you won't put up with, that's a lot harder for them to forget.

@cocoloco987

He's quiet because he's in the grips of a long hangover/come down - he's probably remorseful about it all just now as the above has that affect anyway, but is he still going to care once he's with the boys and a couple of pints down and the class A's come out? I doubt it!

I dont genuinely believe he does cocaine. I have no reason to defend him on his behaviour but he had a nasty panic attack when he tried it, I was there and it was bad. I have not seen any other evidence he does, he doesnt normally come in at half 5 in the morning after being out.

the reason this came into the equation was because people were asking where he would have been until that time, some implying was he with another woman.

I have stated that I had a very personal and honest conversation with him this morning. I will be giving him the chance.

I don't think leaving him based on this occasion is the answer, leaving myself homeless (I could never afford where I live on my wage alone) with a one year old and being 4 months pregnant. I think the best way to proceed is to of laid out my expectations, explained why it has upset me and why I am more sensitive to it than perhaps others would be and how he would look to our children when they are old enough to realise.

its easy to tell people to leave on here but we have to remember this isnt just an entertainment site, I fear sometimes people loose sight of that when they comment on these threads.

Nobody is thinking this is an entertainment site but lots of us speaking with the benefit of hindsight/experience and have given so many of these talks and second third fourth and the rest chances. Hopefully that's it for him and he miraculously changes but ime it doesn't tend to be how it works

[quote bubblegum02]@AffableApple this was yesterday.[/quote]
Apologies, just catching up. Glad you had a good lunch.

@cocoloco987

Nobody is thinking this is an entertainment site but lots of us speaking with the benefit of hindsight/experience and have given so many of these talks and second third fourth and the rest chances. Hopefully that's it for him and he miraculously changes but ime it doesn't tend to be how it works

some on this thread have absolutely contributed with different motives to yourself but that's a different conversation.

to be fair, this is the first incident really, like I said the other weekends were annoying but the reason this time grated so much was because it was the only time I had firm plans and I felt he let me down.

If it is a continuous pattern then it is a problem, but I dont think throwing the towel in right now is the answer but appreciate people are sceptical.

@bubblegum02 you’re absolutely right to give him a chance to sort this out; of course you are. I think people are just advising caution about the temptation to give too many chances over the years.

He’s really only been a ‘lockdown dad’ so far, so this is a learning curve for him; hopefully with a short, sharp shock from you he’ll actually want to step up. However it needs to be motivated by his own desire to be a decent partner/parent, and not driven by you (because if you’re having to drive it then he doesn’t actually want to do it and it’ll never really work long term)!

@bubblegum02 LTB is the chant of 90% of mumsnet folk I’m afraid. The key is often good communication and setting your expectations high. He needs to step up and you need to give him the chance to do so. We all make mistake and having a baby is a massive change. Both of you should be allowed a chance to socialise and have ‘ a blow out’ once in a while but not at the expense of the other and not when you have commitments in place. Hope you get it sorted. We are not all suddenly the perfect parents or partners but if you set your boundaries in place it will help confusion or disappointment later on.

Having read it all, you seem sensible and patient

I'd feel the same as you. As parents, we can still have fun but not in the same way we did pre-kids

It's only a few years and the children will be more self sufficient

The thing with having a big night out is not only fo you have to negotiate a 'free pass' for the night out, but also for the next day. Your husband was only granted the evening out so he should have had the restraint to go home at a sensible time. It's really hard to have wild nights out when you have small people waking you up at the crack of dawn

Hoping he feels sufficiently remorseful and has learned not to do this again

OP am glad you are Not going to "LTB" over one weekend.
As well as your own life and your childrens being harmed by leaving now I know that in years to come you will be held to account by those children for your decision and it is much better to take time over a huge life changing decision.
Your DH sounds to me as if he needs to take another step in adjusting to being a parent. It is Father's Day today.
Does it mean anything to him?
As the children grow he will hopefully come to see how beng Dad means being a responsible adult.
I hope things do work out for you.
I understand that some here gave their men more chances and it never worked but that is their lives not yours.

Dear OP,

I am the father to a seven month-old boy and I read your initial post with interest.

In the early days of my relationship with my wife, prior to us moving in together and later getting married, like your husband I had all-nighters (sans cocaine) wth friends and generally lived a carefree life. Likewise, my wife did her thing and neither of us complained about each other.

Things changed when we moved in together. My wife, then girlfriend, did not object to me staying out, but I felt it was inappropriate, and knew in my heart she would be wondering where I was and who I was with. As would l be if the situation was reversed.

Now we are married with an infant son, I seldom even get that boozy anymore - certainly not to the point where I cannot function the next day. She is teatotal.

At this point you are probably thinking that we are two of the most boring people alive! Nevertheless, I feel I must stress that, from a man's point of view, your husband needs to get his priorities sorted.

You should:

• Impress upon him that he is now a married man and a father, and as such his priority is his wife and child(ren), not his junkie, deadbeat, booze hound friends.
• No more all-nighters. Cinderella gets his butt in bed before midnight.
• No more drinking himself paralytic.

If he refuses, stress that you must not risk your children's welfare and that you therefore cannot raise a family sharing a roof with such an irresponsible individual. Should he violate your rules, inform him you are leaving until such point he dries himself out and then pick up your child and go to your parents' home.

PS If I ever found out that my wife was out all night carousing with coke heads, I would be seeking legal counsel in no short time at all.

Phone his mum and ask her to babysit them she’ll ask why and you can explain her son has behaved very selfishly as you were hoping for a nice day out and now you think you won’t be able to.
When he does sober up time for a serious chat and an agreement that when you are in a relationship you need to care about one another. Hope you manage to get out and enjoy ur day.

[quote Willwebebuyingnumber11]@HalzTangz but she can go out cus she said her mum would have the child? So what’s the issue[/quote]
I know this happened yesterday but are you fucking joking ??

@bubblegum02 no not leaving over this certainly not. I would have just been more angry, I’m not doing this again, ultimatum type language. If you think telling him about your dad will be the wake up call he needs then great. I’m just wondering if it will be or if he needs to think the consequence of doing this is losing his family - eventually.

Good for you OP it's very easy for the keyboard warriors to tell you to leave.
In every relationship communication is the first step.
Lots of PPs don't think about the bigger picture.
I'm not talking about abuse or violence in which case leaving is necessary.

PolkadotHuman

How the hell is Australia appropriating English?

I think that is a bit harsh. Neon admitted very quickly that they had made a mistake and not read the post properly which is easy enough to do. Australia is not appropriating the English language. Many Australians speak English because the country was colonised by English settlers a couple hundred years ago. A different dialect has developed.

Neon did not try to say that your dialect is wrong, just that they were unfamiliar with the colloquialisms and didn't understand. Do you know every Aussie colloquialism?

Bloody hell @PolkadotHuman that's a bit of a stretch! No one is appropriating anything! Calm down!

I think the broken English is what elicited that response CandLeBonBon and goldopals, it was a pretty shit phrase to use.

Ok, dry sense of humour clearly doesn't fly here.

Also, it was an American who made the original post about this, an Australian replied to it.

How the hell is Australia appropriating English?

This is bizarre though. I mean, that's literally what they did! As did all countries that have English as their main language, other than the one it came from. I mean, that's what the word means!

The rest was a joke, given the silly nature of the post and how we all know that time is expressed in different ways in different languages/ cultures - and that this is a forum based in the UK - I had assumed the poster who first mentioned it was also joking.

verb
/əˈprəʊprɪeɪt/
1 1. 
take (something) for one's own use, typically without the owner's permission.

I would have woken him up, given him time to get his shit together & left him with the baby as planned - utter twat!

This is bizarre though. I mean, that's literally what they did! As did all countries that have English as their main language, other than the one it came from. I mean, that's what the word means!

@Polkadots2021 Most modern Australians have ancestors who came from England, they're not 'apropriatiing' English, it's their first language, and their father's, and their grandfathers,' and their great grandfathers, and their great-great grandfather's etc. They didn't apropriate it, they took it with them. They're not taking something that wasn't initially theirs as such, which is what apropriating means.

But that's an aside from the thread.

Is he going out next weekend op? Because I’d expect him to look at his recent social life and if he has anything on, cancel it and do something nice for me instead. That would be an excellent way of seeing if he gets it.

@me4real

This is bizarre though. I mean, that's literally what they did! As did all countries that have English as their main language, other than the one it came from. I mean, that's what the word means!

@Polkadots2021 Most modern Australians have ancestors who came from England, they're not 'apropriatiing' English, it's their first language, and their father's, and their grandfathers,' and their great grandfathers, and their great-great grandfather's etc. They didn't apropriate it, they took it with them. They're not taking something that wasn't initially theirs as such, which is what apropriating means.

But that's an aside from the thread.

The definition is to "take something for one's own use". Arguably changing it but still calling it by the same name is doing exactly that. Particularly when the person adapting it then tries to propogate their amended version around the world and convince everybody that that's the "correct" way to write or pronounce it: looking at you Americans! 👀

Obviously languages change all the time, that's their beauty (well, in most cases). No offence was meant. Obviously the wrong thread for jokes about linguistics and now I've read through further people clearly got hyped up about this so my joke didn't land well and was misinterpreted as a serious post, so that's my fault.