husband got back at half 5 this morning

[bubblegum02]

hello,

based on some of the threads on here, I'm assuming I'm going to get a lot of kill joy comments and the fact it's the euros too but I am annoyed.

my partner said he was going for a "couple" last night. I am 4 months pregnant and we have a one year old. I went to bed at about 10 and heard him come in. when I looked at the time, expecting it to be about half 11 as the pubs round here are still shutting earlier than usual it was half 5!

what has pissed me off about this is, one year old has woken up at 7, we went down about half 7 and of course, he is totally dead to the world. he has slept in our spare room downstairs which is something I suppose.

he was meant to be looking after the one year old for me whilst I go out for lunch today but he isnt responding to me at all. or the one year old.

he was out all day for the game last sunday too, was out pretty much the whole of the bank holiday and last Saturday too.

I'm getting fed up now, I'm not going to be able to leave the one year old with him, it is like he is unconscious and I'm meant to be going at 11.

not cool - pre kids, it wouldnt of been an issue but think he needs to grow up a bit. not against having a bit of fun but rocking in at that time when you are supposed to be looking after your child the next day is taking the piss.

has ruined my day too now and he will inevitably be feeling very sorry for himself.

@picklemewalnuts

I would stay out with your D.C. as late as you can. Let him wonder where you are. Let him remember that he let you down and wonder just how angry you are. Let him sweat.

Yeah, give him even more time to lounge around and nurse his hangover free from the noise and care of a small child.

All of this is just meaningless noise to him, he clearly believes it’s acceptable to behave this way, until OP makes it clear that this never happens again. This isn’t compatible with raising children in a fair equal partnership.

OP, I have to ask, was he like this before you TTC your second?

sorry for slack reply, I've not long got in. he is awake. cant be bothered to have words right now, I've had a really good day and I'm knackered now. our daughter was with my mum until about 3 and then she was dropped to me and I took her to soft play afterwards.

@rjacksmiss can only assume you are a guy. he has been out every weekend the last month. this weekend with my aunt has been arranged for ages as it coincided with her having both her COVID jabs and finally feeling comfortable enough to meet. thanks for your psycho analysis though :)

we both used to go out pre children but our youngest is only one and with the pandemic chances to go out on a bender as it were, were slim. so no idea if this would of happened last year.

second one wasnt planned but I was/am thrilled. I love my children.

eldest*

I'm glad you went and were able to enjoy your lunch. Your husband is a selfish idiot. I divorced one quite similar, and I suggest you do the same if he doesn't apologise or continues being a useless father and husband.

Glad you had a good day @bubblegum02

I guess in the longer term you need a proper conversation about this, but I can totally understand you not wanting to tackle it now

I always find some of the responses to these threads peculiar - when you live with someone in a committed relationship you are not just housemates living separate lives under the same roof. You've become part of a team and have responsibilities to each other.

It's just common courtesy to let people in your family who you live with know where you will be and when you'll be back. And to be fair and responsible when it comes to sharing chores and house / child duties.

OP - YANBU - very much so.

but not all men who go out drinking and roll in late are like her dh.

Who cares? They're not the ones who make life diffoct are they? So what's the point of saying 'not all men'? We know 'not all men' are like this. They are not of concern.

The ones people on this thread are concerned about ARE like this. The ARE the ones who are selfish, immature and irresponsible. Surely you understand the difference? You seem determined to minimise and downplay the Op's experiences here.

And telling everyone to 'get a grip' or just have 'decent night out' is veering incredibly close to a very unpleasant comment that men often use to shut women down when they are standing up for themselves.

I won't say it because I've no doubt it will get me deleted but suffice to say your choice of language and turn of phrase is very much highlighting your internalised misogyny.

@Veterinari and @Ninkanink
Omfg.
I'm commenting due to all the frothing and ridiculous comments from people on here.
Op absolutely needs to sort her relationship out but all the hysteria from everyone else is just bonkers/laughable.

Of course my marriage isn't perfect and if you'd read my earlier post, my life has been absolute hell in the past.
Dh isn't my first dh, so believe me, what you 'kindly' describe as gloating is actually happiness because my life is no longer horrendous.
By the standards of some on here, I should have kicked dh out years ago but thankfully I mostly laugh at the ridiculous (often double standard) shite trotted out on here.

@Littlefluffyclouds13 to be fair, its understandable why some have pounced on your comment. your first few were pretty unpleasant.

I haven’t bothered to read all of this thread, but I just want to say that I’d be LIVID. Anybody who thinks this is acceptable behaviour is either trying to play it cool or is a pushover. He is a father, he is an adult. Saying you’ll go out for a few and getting in at 5.30am is selfish, immature and an extreme unattractive look for a grown man - he’s a 30 year old father! Just imagine if that was a mum doing it. OP, please do not feel bad for being pissed off by this, I would lose my shit (and I am quite a level headed and chilled out person!)

@CandyLeBonBon

but not all men who go out drinking and roll in late are like her dh.

Who cares? They're not the ones who make life diffoct are they? So what's the point of saying 'not all men'? We know 'not all men' are like this. They are not of concern.

The ones people on this thread are concerned about ARE like this. The ARE the ones who are selfish, immature and irresponsible. Surely you understand the difference? You seem determined to minimise and downplay the Op's experiences here.

And telling everyone to 'get a grip' or just have 'decent night out' is veering incredibly close to a very unpleasant comment that men often use to shut women down when they are standing up for themselves.

I won't say it because I've no doubt it will get me deleted but suffice to say your choice of language and turn of phrase is very much highlighting your internalised misogyny.

Nothing to do with 'internalised misogyny' but everything to do with despising the attitude of so many on here.

Every thread goes the same way. 100s of 'ltb' type replies, about a relationship that posters know literally zero about and have one side of a story.
Look what happened today, already wound up women ends up raging twice as much because of 'advice' from strangers.

[quote bubblegum02]@Littlefluffyclouds13 to be fair, its understandable why some have pounced on your comment. your first few were pretty unpleasant.[/quote]
But people who suggested that you pour iced water over your dh are fine?

Glad you had a lovely day OP.

In your situation I’d be spending some time thinking about what you want to happen from now on. Get it all worked out in you head before you speak to him. Personally I think he can’t handle his drink and wouldn’t stay in a relationship with him unless he agreed to stop drinking completely.

Don’t tell me, he won’t see the problem because you still got to go out.

I wondered what they could have been doing to stay up as long as 05:30 if nightclubs haven't been allowed to open since March 2020.

Then I saw further down the thread that they have been doing drugs.

If "D"-H isn't actually taking the drugs himself, then he should have come home at midnight after the pubs have closed. He would have still been drunk but at least more functioning today to look after the DS.

Then call out the rest of the gang to the rozzers because possession of cocaine is illegal, even if no intent to supply.

[quote Littlefluffyclouds13]**@Veterinari* and @Ninkanink*
Omfg.
I'm commenting due to all the frothing and ridiculous comments from people on here.
Op absolutely needs to sort her relationship out but all the hysteria from everyone else is just bonkers/laughable.

Of course my marriage isn't perfect and if you'd read my earlier post, my life has been absolute hell in the past.
Dh isn't my first dh, so believe me, what you 'kindly' describe as gloating is actually happiness because my life is no longer horrendous.
By the standards of some on here, I should have kicked dh out years ago but thankfully I mostly laugh at the ridiculous (often double standard) shite trotted out on here.[/quote]
You seem to be labouring under the misapprehension that this thread is about you
It isn't
HTH

Look what happened today, already wound up women ends up raging twice as much because of 'advice' from strangers.

Do you mean the OP who just posted to say she'd had a 'lovely day' @Littlefluffyclouds13 ?

Oh yeah. Raging
Thank goodness she's had your lovely constructive supportive posts to help her eh?

@Littlefluffyclouds13 no sorry that really isn’t good enough. Your silly ‘get a grip’ ‘go for a night out’ and ‘hysteria’ comments are entirely dismissive of the extremely shitty behaviours so many women are socialised to put up with, accept and enable, and your trying to gain some kind of points for the validity of those comments because you’ve had a shitty DH before doesn’t make sense at all.

As it happens I love a good drink, I enjoy nights out whenever I want, and I’ve generally got a firm grip in all aspects of my life, thanks.

If someone’s DH behaves like OP’s DH and doesn’t pull up his socks and get his grown-up head on when issues like this are addressed (as OP is going to do with her DH) then, frankly, they should seriously consider LTB!

If someone’s DH doesn’t behave like OP’s DH then, again, I’m not sure why you think comments about excusing shit like this are relevant to them.

@Veterinari
Obviously I know it isn't 🙄
I'm merely responding to some of the shite that's been aimed at me.
Or am I meant to remain silent when someone directs a comment?

@Veterinari

Look what happened today, already wound up women ends up raging twice as much because of 'advice' from strangers.

Do you mean the OP who just posted to say she'd had a 'lovely day' @Littlefluffyclouds13 ?

Oh yeah. Raging
Thank goodness she's had your lovely constructive supportive posts to help her eh?

I was clearly talking about the state she ended up in this morning 🙄

Glad to had a lovely day out, bubblegum02.

@bubblegum02 Good to hear you had a lovely day!

[quote Ninkanink]@Littlefluffyclouds13 no sorry that really isn’t good enough. Your silly ‘get a grip’ ‘go for a night out’ and ‘hysteria’ comments are entirely dismissive of the extremely shitty behaviours so many women are socialised to put up with, accept and enable, and your trying to gain some kind of points for the validity of those comments because you’ve had a shitty DH before doesn’t make sense at all.

As it happens I love a good drink, I enjoy nights out whenever I want, and I’ve generally got a firm grip in all aspects of my life, thanks.

If someone’s DH behaves like OP’s DH and doesn’t pull up his socks and get his grown-up head on when issues like this are addressed (as OP is going to do with her DH) then, frankly, they should seriously consider LTB!

If someone’s DH doesn’t behave like OP’s DH then, again, I’m not sure why you think comments about excusing shit like this are relevant to them.[/quote]
I would direct the same comments at a man with similar attitudes to people on here.
How do you know if all the posters are women? Sweeping generalisation there.

The only person consistently 'raging' on this thread is you @Littlefluffyclouds13.

Your language drips with derision, condescension and scorn. You're the one using words like 'despise' and 'hysterical' and accusing other people of being angry and bitter.

You seem fairly angry yourself? Just an observation, but I'm not the only one who thinks your language has been quite inflammatory, so perhaps something to consider, no?