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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband got back at half 5 this morning

941 replies

bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 07:39

hello,

based on some of the threads on here, I'm assuming I'm going to get a lot of kill joy comments and the fact it's the euros too but I am annoyed.

my partner said he was going for a "couple" last night. I am 4 months pregnant and we have a one year old. I went to bed at about 10 and heard him come in. when I looked at the time, expecting it to be about half 11 as the pubs round here are still shutting earlier than usual it was half 5!

what has pissed me off about this is, one year old has woken up at 7, we went down about half 7 and of course, he is totally dead to the world. he has slept in our spare room downstairs which is something I suppose.

he was meant to be looking after the one year old for me whilst I go out for lunch today but he isnt responding to me at all. or the one year old.

he was out all day for the game last sunday too, was out pretty much the whole of the bank holiday and last Saturday too.

I'm getting fed up now, I'm not going to be able to leave the one year old with him, it is like he is unconscious and I'm meant to be going at 11.

not cool - pre kids, it wouldnt of been an issue but think he needs to grow up a bit. not against having a bit of fun but rocking in at that time when you are supposed to be looking after your child the next day is taking the piss.

has ruined my day too now and he will inevitably be feeling very sorry for himself.

OP posts:
PassionfruitOrangeGuava · 19/06/2021 12:02

I don’t blame OP, he’s an adult and the only one who can decide how to behave. It’s not on her to baby and nanny him.

But nonetheless, just as he gets to decide (and is the only one who can decide) how to behave, OP gets to decide whether she’ll accept that in her relationship or not. I wouldn’t, and I would be putting some boundaries in place pretty quickly after the first time.

Maybe this is a wake up call for OP, she’s accepted it so far but surely this is the final straw?

youshouldbeplotting · 19/06/2021 12:04

Totally agree CandyLeBonBon

So many excuses for men's shitty behaviour.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 19/06/2021 12:05

Yanbu, I can’t believe posters were advising you to just go and leave 2 very small children, he’s likely still absolutely waste even if he’s coherent.

I’m not sure what the answer is OP, however I’d make if clearly that his behaviour won’t be tolerated in your relationship if this is a red flag for you

It would be for me.

Kacha30 · 19/06/2021 12:06

YANBU and definitely not a killjoy. The behaviour is not acceptable. By doing this he's ruined today for you do so it's not just one night out is it. I had an ex like this. He went out one night at the weekend and he'd spend the rest of it hungover. You've stated he went out all day last week today. You need a stern word.

CandyLeBonBon · 19/06/2021 12:06

@PassionfruitOrangeGuava

I don’t blame OP, he’s an adult and the only one who can decide how to behave. It’s not on her to baby and nanny him.

But nonetheless, just as he gets to decide (and is the only one who can decide) how to behave, OP gets to decide whether she’ll accept that in her relationship or not. I wouldn’t, and I would be putting some boundaries in place pretty quickly after the first time.

Maybe this is a wake up call for OP, she’s accepted it so far but surely this is the final straw?

Indeed. I still understand how hard it is to take that final step - especially when pregnant.
youshouldbeplotting · 19/06/2021 12:07

But behaviour like this sometimes goes hand in hand with abusive behaviour PassionfruitOrangeGuava that can grind a person down. It may not be solved simply by setting boundaries.

ChristmasFluff · 19/06/2021 12:08

The issue is h';s a crap father and a crap husband, and if he loved his family, he wouldn't do this.

He doesn't care about the effect of his actions on his wife and children, otherwise he'd start acting differently. He's a cunt.

Hopefully, his mother-in-law having to step in will shame him into action.

His life would be a fuck load more difficult if he was divorced and had the kids every other weekend. Oh, but he's the type who wouldn't even step up then.

But OP, your life would be so much less disappointing without this loser.

If your mum is looking after your child at her house, maybe go there yourself after lunch, possibly stay overnight. Be cared for and have a lie in. Let the fuckwit fend for himself for a change.

Excilente · 19/06/2021 12:08

This was the kind of shit my ex used to do.

Make plans to be up early to go do stuff with the kids.. he'd be out drinking or sitting up downstairs drinking til 3/4am then refuse to get up until nearly lunchtime.

I missed work shifts because he was still pissed and i couldn't trust him with 2 kids, one of whom was disabled, the other a baby.

You need to read him the riot act, or leave, because this shit will carry on.

DeclineandFall · 19/06/2021 12:11

DH is like this and when DC were small it drove me up the fucking wall. We had so many rows. I think I actually threatened to leave and look like I meant it and actually he got better.

However, this isn't the time to go radge about it. We're Scottish and I knew well enough not to make any plans for today that involved DH having to do anything. My friend even rearranged her vaccine as she knew her DH wouldn't be able to take her despite him saying he would.
He'll say your unreasonable because its England/Scotland etc, he's hungover and can't be in the wrong. He'll put the whole thing back on you and make you more stressed especially if you're pregnant. If he's Scottish it'll be all 23 years blah blah.

You need to have the serious talk later in the week. I'd be withdrawing from him now, not talking to him, claiming you need to avoid the stress because you're pregnant- which you do. Any conversation in the immediate aftermath of this is not going to work. You don't need him to think you're angry, you need to make him realise you're at the end of your tether.

Babyandpregnant · 19/06/2021 12:12

Hope you have a lovely lunch and that your Mum enjoys the time with her grandson OP

JackieQueen · 19/06/2021 12:13

Enjoy your lunch op, yanbu at all! Flowers

bloodyhell19 · 19/06/2021 12:14

OP YANBU at all. It's not just one match, it's the fact that he's been out repeatedly recently and leaving you on your own while he carries on like a fucking manchild. I'd be beyond furious that he couldn't be responsible enough to get home at a respectable hour in a civil state, well enough to mind his child - as agreed - the following day. He's a selfish arsehole and I'm afraid I'd have his stuff in a bag and a bucket of cold water over him asap. Kick him in the arse or kick him to the curb because none of that is going to magically stop on its own.

Tistheseason17 · 19/06/2021 12:16

YANBU at all, OP.

Glad your mum can help. Enjoy your lunch and don't go home straight away - and don't make him any tea! He is a selfish twat.

Fitforforty · 19/06/2021 12:22

@bubblegum02

you are literally missing the fact that it is only him that gets this free time - I never do. but you're right, why should I be upset or annoyed the one day I actually arrange to do something myself?

we should all stay out until half 5 in the morning, the one year olds can look after themselves.

oh wait, no they can't so I suppose it will (most often) be the mum who will pick up the slack.

There is no point telling the readers of MN this need to talking to your feckless husband and not letting him get away it.
LookItsMeAgain · 19/06/2021 12:24

@bubblegum02

he is going to be in an absolute vile mood. he cant cope with hangovers.
Probably shouldn't get so drunk he cannot be woken up by either you or your 1 year old child then.

He can't cope with a hangover should mean he stays off the drink or drinks in moderation, not to oblivion!

Twitchynose · 19/06/2021 12:24

OP, it’s shit. Relationships are supposed to be partnerships, especially when children are involved. You had a clear agreement which he has binned off to enjoy himself.
I hope you manage to enjoy your lunch out and hope that you can have a proper talk to him when he’s in a fit state about the support you need at the moment. If he continues with this sort of behaviour (which includes being foul just because he has a hangover), then I’m jumping into the LTB camp (well, kick the B out camp…)

Branleuse · 19/06/2021 12:28

Im not surprised youre fucked off. Its becoming a regular occurance and hes too much of a lightweight to get up and do stuff while tired, and clearly too thick to know his limits. Also complete disrespect for you and your plans. Id be fucking raging and embarrassed to have to call in my mum.

GCAcademic · 19/06/2021 12:29

[quote Willwebebuyingnumber11]@HalzTangz but she can go out cus she said her mum would have the child? So what’s the issue[/quote]
The issue is that her husband can't fulfil his parenting responsibilities because he prioritises getting shitfaced, and so another woman has to step in to do his job or else the OP doesn't get to have the miniscule amount of leisure time she is allotted in this unbalanced relationship.

TDogsInHats · 19/06/2021 12:32

@TDogsInHats

Whatever happens today OP, your day will have a dark cloud over it. You obviously want to know whereabouts he's been, but you won't get a sensible answer or any response while the drunk fuck is in a stupor. I don't often swear on here, but he's totally fucked your day up even if he manages to rouse himself sufficiently to enable you to go out. Do you have a brother who could have a word with him? What about his dad? Flowers
I think you missed my post earlier OP and wondered what his parents would say to his behaviour? Also, I can't understand why some posters are on his side. Yanbu.
SofiaMichelle · 19/06/2021 12:34

He was already a selfish arsehole before he had kids. Things were not going to improve.

I'm sorry, OP, but you know who he is.

Quartz2208 · 19/06/2021 12:35

@bubblegum02

yeah, he was snoring and rolled over a few times.

no I don't think he will think he has done anything particularly wrong because it was the Scotland game.

But it isnt the Scotland game that is the problem. Of course he should be able to go out and enjoy that with his friends.

it just shouldnt mean you shouldering it all today and messing up your plans.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 19/06/2021 12:36

@CandyLeBonBon and @AllieBallyBee

As stated previously you (obviously) know nothing about me.

I've actually had a very difficult life at times sadly. Very difficult.
Dh is my second dh.
Please don't presume you know anything about me as a person, your assumption about me as a parent makes you look particularly silly/nasty.

It's laughable that you would think I would look down on anyone.
I was merely relating the attitude of op and others on here, to people in my life who's relationships are difficult or up and down.

youshouldbeplotting · 19/06/2021 12:40

However, this isn't the time to go radge about it. We're Scottish and I knew well enough not to make any plans for today that involved DH having to do anything. My friend even rearranged her vaccine as she knew her DH wouldn't be able to take her despite him saying he would

He'll say your unreasonable because its England/Scotland etc, he's hungover and can't be in the wrong. He'll put the whole thing back on you and make you more stressed especially if you're pregnant. If he's Scottish it'll be all 23 years blah blah

Why would anyone put up with this shit? Can't a man watch a football match without getting so hammered he's unable to do something like drive his wife to get a vaccine the next day? It's pathetic.

ClairKingston · 19/06/2021 12:41

This kind of situation is all too common. Man marries woman and they have children. Man still thinks he can lead a bachelor life. Wrong!

I am not saying either partners have to cease all social life outside of the home and yes of course they should still have some time to themselves etc etc but not until 5.30 am! This story reminds me of a relative who said her husband did a similar thing and stayed out all night. His excuse was that he fell asleep in the car when he got in it to come home the night before. Eh? Thing was she believed him. They divorced a year or so later.

joystir59 · 19/06/2021 12:42

Assuming your DP is,English it wasn't even a good match! England played boringly. 0-0 score.