husband got back at half 5 this morning

[bubblegum02]

hello,

based on some of the threads on here, I'm assuming I'm going to get a lot of kill joy comments and the fact it's the euros too but I am annoyed.

my partner said he was going for a "couple" last night. I am 4 months pregnant and we have a one year old. I went to bed at about 10 and heard him come in. when I looked at the time, expecting it to be about half 11 as the pubs round here are still shutting earlier than usual it was half 5!

what has pissed me off about this is, one year old has woken up at 7, we went down about half 7 and of course, he is totally dead to the world. he has slept in our spare room downstairs which is something I suppose.

he was meant to be looking after the one year old for me whilst I go out for lunch today but he isnt responding to me at all. or the one year old.

he was out all day for the game last sunday too, was out pretty much the whole of the bank holiday and last Saturday too.

I'm getting fed up now, I'm not going to be able to leave the one year old with him, it is like he is unconscious and I'm meant to be going at 11.

not cool - pre kids, it wouldnt of been an issue but think he needs to grow up a bit. not against having a bit of fun but rocking in at that time when you are supposed to be looking after your child the next day is taking the piss.

has ruined my day too now and he will inevitably be feeling very sorry for himself.

@EL8888

But yeah l wouldn’t be tolerating this shit. He would be getting the fix up or fuck off chat. Sunday l would literally do nothing, unless l wanted to. Big lie in, nice breakfast (cooked by him or delivered), shopping, reading the papers etc

But if he has to be told that his behaviour was shit-what's the point?

Or he might change for a bit & then what?

Do piss takers ever stop taking the piss?

I'm not going to shout LTB but I do suggest going forward you 'get your ducks in a row' - to protect yourself if you need to get out of the relationship sometime in the future. I've been where you are and in my experience men like this don't change.

I'd be furious if I was in your position. In fact I might think about leaving with the baby for a few nights , and blocking him.... but then I can be childish like that.

@ConstanceGracy
Dh & I are also howling at the 'at my age' comment.
You (obviously) don't know me.

@Littlefluffyclouds13 it often can cause conflict when people stick up for themselves.

Why accept shifty behaviour? What OP's husband did was shitty.

How the fuck has the OP created this monster? He's a grown fucking man who needs to see to his responsibilities as a father!

[quote tinglymint]@Littlefluffyclouds13 it often can cause conflict when people stick up for themselves.

Why accept shifty behaviour? What OP's husband did was shitty. [/quote]
Shitty not shifty 🤡

You're not wrong @bubblegum02 , I'm surprised that anyone's saying you are. Don't let them sway you.

He was supposed to look after your LO. Getting in at 5.30 is weird, if it were me I'd wonder if he were having an affair or has a drink problem.

As you've said, it's hardly a one-off and he knew he had stuff he needed to do today.

Have you been able to go out?

I hope you have a good time out OP - you deserve it.

He has really let you down. You are prefectly justified in being angry and upset.

If this was a one occasion - perhaps it would be irritating and inconvenient but it sounds like a last straw and it not reasonable behaviour from him.

It sounds as if all the mental load of child-care is yours. He 'helps' when it suits him and lets you down when it doesn't. Are you happy with this... or does it need addressing for the future?

Does he treat his employer like this? (Does he even let his friends down like this?) If not, why does he think that making arrangements with you (and keeping to them) is a lesser thing? Where are you (and your child) in his list of priorities.

@Littlefluffyclouds13 then you're very lucky.

However, no matter how well we think we've chosen, things can and do go wrong. You sound like the mum who's immensely proud of her child's sleeping habits, under the illusion that it's your fantastic parenting that's responsible, rather than 90% luck!

Unfortunately you just sound smug and sanctimonious.

I'm glad you have a great relationship, and it's what we all aspire to, but be careful not to get a crick in your neck looking down at those of us who have struggled in difficult relationships, from your ivory tower!

Op I hope you have a lovely lunch.

Your partner is a dick. Totally disrespectful and unfair behaviour. I agree with the suggestion that you get your ducks in a row so that you know your options.

@HalzTangz but she can go out cus she said her mum would have the child? So what’s the issue

Hope your lunch is good. Sounds like he is constantly taking the piss and you have a difficult choice to make about how your relationship is going to move forward

Frankly I wouldn’t be staying with anyone who thought getting shitfaced, staying out all night and doing coke was normal behaviour.

[quote Willwebebuyingnumber11]@HalzTangz but she can go out cus she said her mum would have the child? So what’s the issue[/quote]
it's not the point at all is it but I give up with posters like you.

I don't get some people.
This isn't funny, I've been where you are OP. I left him over 15years ago and took our 2 children with me.
This is the type of selfish behaviour that ends relationships and splits family's.
You can't be that selfish when you are a parent because life isn't all about you.
Yes parents are allowed their own time and their own space but it can't impact the family unit to the point it causes issues!
Anyone stating that this kind of selfish behaviour is OK is clearly deluded.
I'd have thrown a pan of cold water over the selfish lump before I left and made it perfectly clear that this wasn't going to be a repeated performance!
Set some rules down before this becomes your Groundhog Day!

[quote Willwebebuyingnumber11]@HalzTangz but she can go out cus she said her mum would have the child? So what’s the issue[/quote]
His repeatedly selfish behaviour is the issue.

@bubblegum02. I've not read the whole thread (read your posts/replies, and that was enough to persuade how appalling the other comments would be).

His behaviour is not appropriate, responsible (he's a parent: this shit is not acceptable) or remotely reasonable.

He is not free to stay out until the wee small hours and nurse a hangover. He has a family, and responsibilities. If he cannot deal with that, you may have to consider whether he is a suitable life partner and role model.

I've no idea what to suggest, except the getting your ducks in a row that PPs have mentioned. The fact that he's done it a few times in a row, and there's always been an excuse.... nope.

[quote Willwebebuyingnumber11]@HalzTangz but she can go out cus she said her mum would have the child? So what’s the issue[/quote]
The issue is her husband is a selfish arse.

@Wolfiefan

Frankly I wouldn’t be staying with anyone who thought getting shitfaced, staying out all night and doing coke was normal behaviour.

Christonabike. I missed the bit about him/his friends doing coke. OP.... really?

He’s an irresponsible dick. What if there’d been an emergency, you had problems with the pregnancy or your child became unwell?

It’s not acceptable, it’s not something DH or I would ever do frankly.

But he’s drank heavily weekly for the past months and presumably there have been no consequences as he felt fine to do it again last night.

What’s your move now, OP? Accept this behaviour? I genuinely couldn’t stomach being with a man like this, it’s very off putting. Some people seem to think it’s acceptable but in my world grown fathers/mothers don’t go out and get smashed and crawl in at dawn.

[quote CandyLeBonBon]@Littlefluffyclouds13 then you're very lucky.

However, no matter how well we think we've chosen, things can and do go wrong. You sound like the mum who's immensely proud of her child's sleeping habits, under the illusion that it's your fantastic parenting that's responsible, rather than 90% luck!

Unfortunately you just sound smug and sanctimonious.

I'm glad you have a great relationship, and it's what we all aspire to, but be careful not to get a crick in your neck looking down at those of us who have struggled in difficult relationships, from your ivory tower!
[/quote]
Yeah, but she sounds smug like Julie Burchill when she she used to twat on about her and Tony Parsons having, "the best marriage in London". He used to put up with her frankly alcoholic behaviour and she put up with his bull crap.

Look how that ended up.

And god no, I wouldn’t be calling my mum to have my child to pick up the slack for my drunken husband, how embarrassing. There are two of you here responsible for caring for your child, and you need to sort this out between you so it doesn’t happen again.

Sod that he is out of order. I agree with you OP

See this is the thing that people don't realise about shitty behaviour.

Imagine this was the first time this happened. People would be saying 'ahh op it's a bit annoying but it's a one off. Don't be controlling. Let him have his fin' etc etc.

So you do, because you don't want to be a controlling arsehole.

And then he does it again 6 months later but people are still 'but it's only every now and then. Don't be controlling. Let him have his fun' etc etc. Then it happens a bit more frequently by which point it becomes something that he thinks he can get away with and the op, not wishing to be a controlling arsehole thinks 'well it's only once a month, I'd better not make a fuss' and so it continues until this scenario.

At which point people say 'well why did you let it get this far? It's you're own fault for putting up with it! You've created a monster! Etc etc.

It's the boiling frog analogy and I don't think PP saying 'well why did you let it get this far? It's you're own fault for putting up with it! You've created a monster! Etc etc fully understand the dynamics of how these situations end up like this.

Where does it become a hard line? When are 'boundaries' 'controlling'?

It's really not as cut and dried as it looks.

The words 'sorry, it won't happen again' get said, and things are ok for a few months and then it starts again.

People stay in the hope things will improve, because things have improved in the past, albeit temporarily. I really wish pp would think about more than just the immediate situation - things don't get like this in isolation and it's really unfair to blame the op for simply trying to be a fair human being in her relationship.