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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband got back at half 5 this morning

941 replies

bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 07:39

hello,

based on some of the threads on here, I'm assuming I'm going to get a lot of kill joy comments and the fact it's the euros too but I am annoyed.

my partner said he was going for a "couple" last night. I am 4 months pregnant and we have a one year old. I went to bed at about 10 and heard him come in. when I looked at the time, expecting it to be about half 11 as the pubs round here are still shutting earlier than usual it was half 5!

what has pissed me off about this is, one year old has woken up at 7, we went down about half 7 and of course, he is totally dead to the world. he has slept in our spare room downstairs which is something I suppose.

he was meant to be looking after the one year old for me whilst I go out for lunch today but he isnt responding to me at all. or the one year old.

he was out all day for the game last sunday too, was out pretty much the whole of the bank holiday and last Saturday too.

I'm getting fed up now, I'm not going to be able to leave the one year old with him, it is like he is unconscious and I'm meant to be going at 11.

not cool - pre kids, it wouldnt of been an issue but think he needs to grow up a bit. not against having a bit of fun but rocking in at that time when you are supposed to be looking after your child the next day is taking the piss.

has ruined my day too now and he will inevitably be feeling very sorry for himself.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 19/06/2021 10:08

@Sometimesfraught82

Got my acknowledge in the end Grin
That's just a weird, weird response. This isnt Instagram. Confused
Original poster
bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 10:09

@OccasionallyFlagging

"Let's play 'Jump on Daddy'!"
haha the one year old has been in there a few times and he is out for the count.
OP posts:
pink1173 · 19/06/2021 10:09

I genuinely don’t get Mumsnet sometimes. Some people are completely unsupportive and deliberately obtuse. A partnership means you have respect for the other people in your life. He is not showing it and you have every right to be upset. Of course he can go out and have a good time but if he is not able to look after his own child and allow his partner to go out then that is not ok.
Go out and enjoy your lunch and how lovely that your mum is close by to help out. At least you have support in that respect.

Ourlady · 19/06/2021 10:09

I would be fuming, he's a selfish twat, crap husband and crap father.
I would be throwing a bucket full of cold water over him just before leaving.
He doesn't deserve to have a nice child free day to recover from his hangover
I bet your Mam will be furious he is treating you this way

ScottishNewbie · 19/06/2021 10:10

YANBU and I absolutely wouldn't stand for it.
He knew you had plans and has shown complete disregard for you and your child. It's very, very rude and inconsiderate.
He just assumes that you are going to step up and take care of everything

I know this isn't a popular opinion but I am really against partners getting steaming drunk (not tipsy) when their spouse is pregnant. What if heaven forbid there was an emergency....
I think that especially while you're pregnant he should be mentally and physically able to function if needed.
Believe it or not, you can go out and not get plastered.

Naunet · 19/06/2021 10:11

@bubblegum02

I just cant be bothered now. probably pregnancy hormones but I'm upset over angry now.

I regret posting on here too because of some of the responses - no wonder blokes get away with this sort of thing so much, no wonder mums are often the default parent. I've had some really helpful responses that have made me stick to my guns but there was also a LOT that have blamed me or accused me of being controlling. Its crazy.

not all men btw I know that - my step dad is amazing (real dad a total selfish arse but that's another thread)

Some women have serious internalised misogyny, and they have to police other women and make sure they’re being just as much as a doormat too, so they can feel good about themselves. It’s not the majority of mumsnet though, you just seem to have attracted them this morning!
CandyLeBonBon · 19/06/2021 10:12

Op I hope you're heartened by the vast majority of people on here who recognise selfish behaviour when the see it.

Of course everyone deserves downtime. But not at the expense of a child's safety and pre-arranged plans! I hope you enjoy your lunch.

I do think serious conversations are needed with dh though because this won't get better.

Sparklfairy · 19/06/2021 10:12

Oh OP, you sound so fed up Sad

Please don't take the goady comments to heart, as they are spectacularly missing the point.

  1. you don't go out 'for a couple' and then rock in at 5 when you have a young family and you're not 21 anymore.
  2. you don't go out every weekend leaving your pregnant wife trapped in the house with a one year old.
  3. you don't take all the downtime for yourself leaving your pregnant wife with none.
  4. you don't break a promise to your wife for the one time she is due to go out.
  5. and if you DO do all of the above, you don't ruin the day with your shitty mood cos you have a hangover which you fully brought on yourself.

Have I missed anything?

Its good your mum will take DC. I would sneak out (tho not much sneaking required if he's so blotto), and stay out as long as possible, even staying for a cuppa or three at your mum's when you're done at lunch. Leave him to wake up and wonder where you are and fend for himself, and be in a four mood alone. Twat.

Have a lovely time Flowers

Sparklfairy · 19/06/2021 10:12

Foul mood not four Hmm

Tavannach · 19/06/2021 10:12

I'm glad your mum's able to help out. I'd go there now if you can and just leave him to waken up and wonder why nobody's in.

Looneytune253 · 19/06/2021 10:13

DONT make your mum babysit. Get in there with a bucket of water and get him up. It is unacceptable that a grown man gets in that sort of a state when he has children to look after. Get him up or he'll just think it's ok

Cherryberrybonbon · 19/06/2021 10:13

Has someone actually suggested making him breakfast in bed? What an absolute fucking mug that person is to think he has had 4 weekends on the trot going out whilst the woman is been left alone with your child, pregnant, taking care of life whilst he flits in and out probably making the house a state whilst he’s getting ready leaving more shit for you to do. Woman have fought for years to be treated as equals have we forgotten that??
OP leave the thread and enjoy yourself, take your little one, put coco melon on the tv full blast hide the remote and leave the house. Then block him for the day lol!

Quartz2208 · 19/06/2021 10:13

Go out now take your 1 year old to your mums have your lunch and leave him to it let him come around with no one there and see how he likes it

MichelleScarn · 19/06/2021 10:16

@billy1966

This is your life with him.

This is your future.

He's a waster.

Leaves all the parenting to you and you work FT.

What a life you have accepted OP.

This is who he is.

Terminate this pregnancy, leave him, and give yourself the chance of some bit of a decent future.

2 children, doing it all, waster of a partner.

It is ONLY going to get harder for YOU.

You deserve better.
Flowers

Wtf 'terminate this pregnancy'?!
MichelleScarn · 19/06/2021 10:17

And "this is the life you have accepted"?! Bonkers

Original poster
bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 10:17

@MichelleScarn oh I didnt see that comment.

definitley not an option, it's a little boy and I'm nearly 17 weeks pregnant. he is my child.

OP posts:
Wineat5isfine · 19/06/2021 10:18

I’d be fuming too - you have my full sympathy!!

I hope you manage to have a lovely, very long lunch out with your friend…xx

CandyLeBonBon · 19/06/2021 10:19

Terminate this pregnancy, leave him, and give yourself the chance of some bit of a decent future.

WTAF?????

Give your head a wobble @billy1966

MichelleScarn · 19/06/2021 10:19

@bubblegum02 am really sorry for bringing it to your attention then, a horrific thing to write.Flowers

OwlinaTree · 19/06/2021 10:20

YANBU op. He's ruined your socialising by staying out too late. He will say 'sorry I forgot- sorry I didn't think'. He's got carried away with his mates. I doubt he's done it to spite you.

I totally get why you are upset, you are not the default parent all the time while he parties. I would be very upset and angry with my DH if he did this when he knew I had a rare child free event planned. My DH pulled this shit once, staying in the pub and not answering his phone when with his cousin, leaning me to do all the childcare unplanned - guess what, his cousin hasn't visited us again!

I'm glad your mom can babysit. Enjoy your day out and when you get back hopefully he will be remorseful.

McLarenette · 19/06/2021 10:21

His behaviour sucks, glad your mum is supporting you and that he isn’t going to be able to stop you going out or have you worrying about your child.
Please try and put it out of your mind while you have a lovely lunch, don’t let him spoil it.

Insidelaurashead · 19/06/2021 10:21

Hi OP, his completely dead to the world state sounds just like my ex, who has a coke problem. I have never been around drugs and I was pretty naieve and didn't see it for what it was. We had no children together but when his daughter was around (6) he didn't respond to her, he was so out of if. The first time I met her, I was a stranger to her, I had to parent. She was shaking Cereal packets at him like you'd shake cat biscuits to get the cat in, telling me it's okay, this will wake him. It did not. She then tried to take his pulse. At six years old. That was absolutely not the first time she'd seen him in that state.

Since the relationship ended, I checked in with the little girls mum to make sure she was OK. Her lovely mum, now a good friend, filled me in on his addiction, which was why they split, showed me photographic proof, screenshots of texts etc that proved it.

All I want to say to you, OP, is you deserve better, as do your children. This is not a telling you to do something message, that will be your choice if and when you feel up to that, but it's important to hear you deserve better. I wish someone had told me that when I was dealing with it. Best of luck lovely

MamaNewtNewt · 19/06/2021 10:23

I can't believe some of the replies on here (I think you said it best some people love being the 'cool girls' more fool them). You are definitely not being unreasonable.

He's being inconsiderate on so many levels:

  • coming home so much later than he said.
  • regularly going out and leaving you to pick up the slack, esp as you are pregnant.
  • wasting full days being hungover when he has a family.
  • expecting you to cover things when he is hungover.

But to do all this on one of the few times you have plans is unbelievably selfish. In all honesty I think you are being pretty calm.

I see why some people are saying go ahead with your plans, so he has to fulfil his responsibilities, but I wouldn't leave my child with someone who was hungover.

I hope you get your time away, even if you have to rearrange and that you 'D'H wakes up to the fact he's a father with responsibilities and that he's treating you badly.

KarmaViolet · 19/06/2021 10:23

Have you told your mum why you're asking her? Can't imagine she's massively impressed with him if you have.

FinallyFluid · 19/06/2021 10:23

When you do go out and you should, you take both sets of car keys, I would put money on him driving to get a Maccies to feed his hangover.