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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

husband got back at half 5 this morning

941 replies

bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 07:39

hello,

based on some of the threads on here, I'm assuming I'm going to get a lot of kill joy comments and the fact it's the euros too but I am annoyed.

my partner said he was going for a "couple" last night. I am 4 months pregnant and we have a one year old. I went to bed at about 10 and heard him come in. when I looked at the time, expecting it to be about half 11 as the pubs round here are still shutting earlier than usual it was half 5!

what has pissed me off about this is, one year old has woken up at 7, we went down about half 7 and of course, he is totally dead to the world. he has slept in our spare room downstairs which is something I suppose.

he was meant to be looking after the one year old for me whilst I go out for lunch today but he isnt responding to me at all. or the one year old.

he was out all day for the game last sunday too, was out pretty much the whole of the bank holiday and last Saturday too.

I'm getting fed up now, I'm not going to be able to leave the one year old with him, it is like he is unconscious and I'm meant to be going at 11.

not cool - pre kids, it wouldnt of been an issue but think he needs to grow up a bit. not against having a bit of fun but rocking in at that time when you are supposed to be looking after your child the next day is taking the piss.

has ruined my day too now and he will inevitably be feeling very sorry for himself.

OP posts:

showerbeer · 19/06/2021 09:27

Can’t fathom why anyone would think this is ok. Some posters are absolutely deluded posting shit like “I’d love to see what he thinks of your relationship! You sound like hard work!” He’s probably pretty happy with the deal he has going that he gets to regularly opt out of parenting?! I’m still in my 20s and I think it’s totally fine to go out and get that drunk sometimes even if you have kids, AS LONG AS it’s been prearranged with your partner and it doesn’t impact on their day.
If one parent is having all the leisure time whilst the other deals with a disproportionate amount of childcare then that’s obviously not ok and anyone claiming otherwise is kidding themselves.

JammyGem · 19/06/2021 09:27

I completely understand why you are annoyed - I would be too. But I do think that unless/until he wakes up and can't look after your 1 year old, you're being a bit of a martyr here. I get that he's been out a lot recently, but has it had a big impact on you if you already do all of the nighttime bits with your daughter? Or is it more the hangover the next day means he can't contribute to childcare? Genuine questions, not being snarky!
There's no point getting angry with him until you know what is happening today. Remember he doesn't know that you know he didn't come in at 11 - this could work in your favour.

It does sound like you two need a good talk though to address the parenting imbalance. It's not fair that you do most of the childcare, and he needs to understand that if he goes out, which he's perfectly entitled to do, that it cannot impact on family life or on your rare days out like it has the potential to do today.

Distiller91 · 19/06/2021 09:27

I'd be fuming too, more cos he knew he'd be looking after the one year old today. Try enjoy your lunch then later on I'd be addressing your husbands behaviour with him

showerbeer · 19/06/2021 09:28

For anyone who would be fine if their OH did this for the fourth weekend in a row, and it also was likely to ruin their one afternoon out is a mug, even more so if you would wake him up with an hour to go with a drink, food and a smile.

Exactly - it’s like, well done for telling on yourself for having incredibly low standards!

Divebar2021 · 19/06/2021 09:28

We don’t know he was drinking til 5 we know he came in at 5.30. We don’t know he was doing drugs. We don’t know how drunk he will be at 11.00. He might be fine he might not be. We don’t know the day is ruined. I would definitely be angry no question about that and I would be assuming he would want to go out more if his team proceeds in the competition ( so future arguments ahead). I’d see if there was a back up plan for childcare, wake him at 10.30 and assess how capable he seems. Either use him or back up for childcare then a serious conversation when I got home depending on whether he made it out of bed in time or not.

Sometimesfraught82 · 19/06/2021 09:28

Good luck OP.

You have a pretty useless husband.
And a determination to make things as negative for yourself as possible.

Holidayhomeone · 19/06/2021 09:30

I’m with you 100% OP. Some ridiculous responses on here. I was in a similar position once with a 2 year old who wouldn’t sleep through and a newborn - my partner said he’d be home at about midnight and came home steaming drunk at about 5. Had a few comments about how it was my fault I hadn’t trained the 2 yo to sleep through!

Ostryga · 19/06/2021 09:30

@Sometimesfraught82

Why wouldn’t she be? This sorry excuse for a man has done this repeatedly whilst op has been doing the grunt work of parenting her one year old whilst 4 months pregnant!

The one day where she actually has plans for herself which he knows about he goes and gets wasted until 5am.

I don’t know what world you live in, but how anyone can twist that onto op ruining her day must be in dreamland.

LadyCatStark · 19/06/2021 09:31

It’s funny how men always do this when their wives have plans for the next day. Almost as if they want to sabotage them…

I can’t believe some posters are suggesting you bring him bloody breakfast in bed! So you’re meant to keep your 1 year old quiet til 10am, bring in water, painkilllers, coffee and a bloody bacon sandwich all for the privilege of being able to go out for a few hours? Maybe, if he manages to sober himself up and be on a good enough mood… perhaps the OP should fix her hair and put on a fresh pinny so her DH has something pretty to wake up to 🙄.

JammyGem · 19/06/2021 09:31

Wake him up at 10 and assess whether he can look after your DD. If he's grumpy and hungover, we'll that's his fault and he'll have to deal with it while you go out to your lunch. If he's still drunk and it's not safe for him to look after DD then you'll have to either cancel or find someone else to look after her, and once he's sobered up you need to have a talk with him and depending on how that goes, have a serious think about your future with this man.

Taikoo · 19/06/2021 09:33

I hope you got away for your lunch OP.
YANBU - I'd fuckin' kill him.

LAMPS1 · 19/06/2021 09:35

OP, you made a very wise decision not to leave your DC with your irresponsible DH.
You have every right to be angry with him for ruining your day. I hope you can take a break and enjoy your lunch now that you know your DC will be well looked after.

tookindforowngood · 19/06/2021 09:35

Ive had this from the other perspective, ExDP used to be out every weekend without fail for one sometimes two nights a week.
As the years went by this became for longer and longer till she would regularly come back the next morning after a night out and then spend all day in bed 'recovering'.

I let this go as I'd considered myself to be a dick if I tried to ask her to reign it in a little (trying to be a good partner) unfortunately this got worse and worse, bank holiday weekends became just me and the DC wondering when she would grace us with her presence.
Its been 2 years now since I've had nights out with friends as hangovers aren't worth the pain and the dc love our weekend adventures

People like this don't change, and if you allow it they get worse and push boundaries, make sure you reinforce yours.

JammyGem · 19/06/2021 09:36

@Ostryga To give him the benefit of the doubt, we don't know he was getting wasted until 5. It's perfectly feasible he'd crashed on a friend's sofa or been round a mate's house before coming home. I've done that a few times myself. If he was drinking at all last night then off cos he'll be sleeping more deeply than usual.

Doesn't make it OK if it does affect OP's plans though.

Georgina125 · 19/06/2021 09:36

I would be furious too. Yes lockdown has been tough on everyone but he has had his share of getting out and having fun recently. The OP deserved to have a leisurely, stress-free morning getting ready for her lunch. Not having to run around finding alternative childcare because her husband is possibly not fit to look after their child.

nettie434 · 19/06/2021 09:36

Hope you do get to enjoy your lunch bubblegum02. Of course you are not being unreasonable. If he was so drunk, he slept through his alarms and you and the 1 year old getting up then he couldn't have looked after the 1 year old. There's a huge difference between that and having a mild hangover but still functioning. Thank goodness for your mum.

As for the 'we've all been locked up' argument, that might have worked the 1st time he went out, not after the 4th time in a month. Plus, he knew you were planning to go out. It's not as if it was something you decided late last night.

OverByYer · 19/06/2021 09:37

OP step away from the thread now.
You are absolutely right to be angry but you’re winding yourself up even more getting angry with other posters here.
You’ve got childcare sorted now - I personally would have let him suffer.
Go and get ready , relax and have a nice time with your friend

ConstanceGracy · 19/06/2021 09:39

Nice to see some women have ‘moved on’ with the “it’s fine for him go out every weekend and while I watch the kids, what’s your problem?” Like they’re part of some cool wives club ..
it’s not ok for a grown man who is a parent to fuck off every weekend and get obliterated while his wife stays at home and has her plans ruined.
It’s pathetic

Original poster

bubblegum02 · 19/06/2021 09:41

I'm more dismayed than angry at other posters - I think it says far more about them than me.

one year old just ran in there again whilst I was on the toilet and he didnt even move, still snoring his head off.

It really is just as well my mum has offered to help. it's really not the point though. I would never be able to shirk my responsibilities like this.

OP posts:

PracticingPerson · 19/06/2021 09:42

@bubblegum02

he is going to be in an absolute vile mood. he cant cope with hangovers.

This is the issue. If he went out and was not arsey about the hangover it wouldn't matter.

I don't begrudge anyone the night out, I get pissed off if they can't or won't then do their fair share the next day.

ItWasTheBestOfTimes · 19/06/2021 09:42

He is incredibly selfish to do this when he knows you've got plans the next day. For all those saying wake at 10/10:30 with a cup of tea and some toast, maybe the OP needs a bit of time to get ready before going out. If this was DP I would expect him to start taking care of DC at around 9am so I could have breakfast in peace, then shower, style hair, apply make up etc and not feel rushed for what sounds like a rare child free outing for the OP.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/06/2021 09:43

I'd be fuming OP and am also surprised that people are ok with this. Especially so that any binge drinking on mumsnet is usually met with accusations of racism.

The fact is, he has deliberately and knowingly let you down today, not for the first time he has assumed youd pick up the slack even though you're pregnant. And he hasnt done anything to mitigate it, you've had to sort alternative childcare at the last minute. And all the posters just saying leave them to it, it's not safe to leave a 1 year old with someone who has been drinking til 6 hours before. Alcohol leaves your system at roughly 1 unit per hour and I'm sure he had more than 6 units / 3 pints, he will be pissed and knackered and hungover and incapable of looking after him safely. I'd be tempted to just go out with no notice at all the whole of sunday to see how he likes it

PracticingPerson · 19/06/2021 09:44

It really is just as well my mum has offered to help.

I don;t understand why your mum has to do it though, why don;t you wake him up?

rwalker · 19/06/2021 09:45

Just go he got in at 5.30 many people look after kids on few hours sleep .
Though shit if he's rough his fault .

Shoxfordian · 19/06/2021 09:45

I would be really annoyed as well

Do you want to stay in the relationship?

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