Do you “judge” people based on how they look?

[Enid9]

I don’t know why I’m like this but I feel like I’m always analysing people on how they look.

If I see someone I don’t know, I look at them and wonder what their life is like, they’re slim, well dressed, nice hair.
I imagine they have a good job, own their own home and have a lots of friends with a nice social life.

If I see someone plain, overweight, not very stylish, I think the opposite of them.

I see groups of girls together who all look the same and couldn’t imagine them socialising with someone who looked different to them (as in the plain overweight person)

I have a weird belief that you need to look a certain way to be happy, accepted or fit in with society.

I have absolutely no idea where this has come
from.

I find myself stalking people on Facebook.
So if one of my friends meets another friend, I will
look at their pictures to see what they look like and how pretty / slim they are.

I met up with one of my friends a few weeks ago, she’s so slim and pretty and I felt good about being with her, but I felt bad about her being with me.

I wondered how many people would question why a good looking slim girl would want to hang out with an overweight ugly girl (me)

How can I over come this obsession with looks / weight? Where could it have come from?

@Crazycakelady17

I used to be slim immaculate hair nails done etc good job now I’m lucky if I get dressed wash my hair on a good day Im very overweight , I had a mental breakdown and was sectioned I sometimes wonder what the parents at my DD school think as the transformation in my appearance is quite dramatic

@Crazycakelady17

I’m so sorry to hear that.

I hate that I would probably make an assumption about you based on weight/looks.

Having said that, I feel like I’m very understanding about mental health and I would not judge knowing your circumstances.

It’s just the initial judgement I find hard to brush off.

I think you need to move now from awareness of the thought to conscious challenging of it.

I don’t judge people based on their looks, more their actions. If I hear them swearing and shouting then I know what to expect and if I see them smoking around children then I have an idea of the sort of person they are.

I’m not bothered about a person’s looks really, I’m more focused on what they’re like when they open their mouths. I do think about people’s clothing sometimes but usually only if they’re wearing a nice outfit or if it’s ridiculously revealing (this goes for men too when their shirts are off).

*How did your mother talk about women?

My own mother speaks still very harshly about women.
so growing up i internalize a lot of her false beliefs and had to work on to changing my mind set* as I NEVER want to be like this.
This is my 78 year old mum, she's viscous, judgemental, cruel in her opinions and completely miserable and struggles to see the niceness in anyone or anything.

Judging based on appearance is human nature. How we apply it is contextual so may vary in time and culture. Sadly we live in a society where women are still largely judged on their conformity for looking a certain way.
You recognise it OP. That's good. You can't stop it but what you can do is retrain the context. Start really looking at people you know well and noticing the telltale visual signs of their lifestyle and personality. It's how successful con artists work sadly but it is a genuine skill. While there are always people who contravene the norms, the truth is most people don't. Focusing on the pointers that tell you something real will stop you focusing on poor indicators such as weight = value.

I don't bother about anyone's looks. When I was a younger woman, I found that in the main, handsome men I dated were not nice. Some lovely looking women were awful. I did have a friend who was a model, very beautiful and a lovely person. Looks in the end are not important. As Judge Judy would say 'beauty fades, but brains are forever' or it was something along those lines. I don't see any harm in imagining what lives people have, thats possibly how some writers operate. I do try to think kind, as I was bullied for years over my looks and it does damage you as in zero confidence, even now.

I am that plain overweight person and I can always tell when I come across someone like you. I’ve been best friends with someone much more attractive than me for years and I’ve watched them constantly be treated better. She gets warm smiles, and nice chit chats from strangers whilst I get cold shouldered. It’s soul destroying. It’s gotten to the point that if someone is warm towards me, I instantly feel like they’re not being sincere.

I know you said that you don’t tell people what you think but believe me, they know.

Is this 'judging' or making assumtions, which may or may not be true? I think we are by nature, prone to evaluate strangers, although we often get it wrong. The important thing is how we treat people, and that includes how we look and speak to them.

I try not to. I am overweight and very plain and so I try not to judge based on the fact that if people judged me purely by my weight, it might not be too kindly. The way we look does not define us. In a weird way, I feel free and happy than I've ever been since I've put on weight, it's a weird one. When I was skinny I was obsessed with my weight and what people thought of me, now I'm carrying some extra pounds it's like a weight has been lifted off of me.

I also don't automatically assume class due to a persons weight or the way they look. However, I know what you mean, of course if you see someone perfectly groomed, in nice clothes etc then you assume they have the money to do so, but I've also seen some rich people not dressed and groomed how one might expect.

Not looks but I do steer clear of bad personal hygiene.

I really do not notice if people's accessories don't go with their outfit, or even if their clothes flatter them or not. Possibly because I have very little interest or understanding in fashion, as long as I am spotlessly clean and my clothes are washed and ironed, I am happy.

I do notice if people don't wash though, or brush their teeth.

Do you think you might be autistic? It sounds to me like you are being very analytical about the friendships of others to try and make sense of them. Is that because you have trouble forming friendships yourself OP?

I think there is an element of truth to what you say but it's really not that simple.

@LolaSmiles

godmum56 They're not wrong at all. Everyone judges. Everyone makes initial assessments based on external factors. Anyone claiming otherwise is kidding themselves and it makes me wonder why they feel the need to claim they're somehow more enlightened than everyone else.

To be honest, @LolaSmiles, it sounds to me as if unpleasantly judgemental posters obsessed with other women's grooming and BMI are trying to convince themselves that it's 'natural' to the point of being compulsory.

Someone up the thread even said it was an evolutionary thing, as though being able to perceive whether a mammoth was a threat or dinner somehow maps directly onto extrapolating from a high BMI and visible roots the idea that this person is friendless, single, works a mimumum wage job and doesn't own their own home.

GloriousMystery
I'm not saying all judgements are equal. Some people can be deeply unpleasant in the way they judge others.

My issue was the holier than thou people claiming they never ever judge anyone, when it's perfectly normal to form judgements as part of an initial assessment.

If I saw someone with their immaculate clothing, tan, nails, make-up etc then I'd think they're a lot more image conscious than me, and that level of maintenance is not something I particularly understand or value. That would be reasonable in my opinion. It would be unreasonable and unpleasant to decide that based on that person's appearance they must be stupid/shallow/a bitch though.

First impressions matter, we all make assumptions on what we see it is natural not in an all consuming way like the OP.
You need to get an interesting life for yourself OP once your busy you'll stop comparing yourself to others.

@BraveBraveMouse
Do you think you might be autistic? It sounds to me like you are being very analytical about the friendships of others to try and make sense of them.

When I'm working I'm groomed & polished always wear heels, makeup etc and been described as chic/elegant. When I'm 'off duty' I don't wear make up or jewellery and scrunch my hair into a ponytail and wear jeans and a hoody most days. I honestly look like a different person even though nothing on the inside has change but can absolutely confirm people do judge on appearances and treat you differently. In work mode I find men pay far more attention to me (not in a leery way - I'm too old for that ) but much more old school respectful, people are politer to me and generally more eager to help. Sad reality but I'm not bothered enough to up my game when I'm at home with the kids or on the school run.

Sorry op I forgot to add to my own experience that you need to be comfortable in your own skin first - I'm fine with looking like a bag lady some days and don't care if someone judges me but self-esteem and self-worth have a lot to answer for. In my experience (& I do think this comes with age) people who judge are either shallow, jealous or lack in empathy and therefore not worth the time of day. Find yourself a new hobby or passion, meet new people, surround yourself with positivity and lovely people and ditch any negative forces - life's too short to be unhappy.

@BraveBraveMouse
Do you think you might be autistic? It sounds to me like you are being very analytical about the friendships of others to try and make sense of them. Is that because you have trouble forming friendships yourself OP?
Actually, Autistic people are far less likely to do this. We don’t process these things in the same way allistic people do.

I’m plain, overweight, not very stylish.
I have a great professional job, own my own home, have good friends and satisfying hobbies.
I couldn’t give a fuck what you think, and I’d rather be fat than judgemental.

I think everyone makes some judgement based on appearance, even if they’re small assumptions (eg that someone wearing joules is middle class).

However I don’t think about appearance as much as you seem to and I don’t think about it in terms of how it makes me feel to hang out with someone who looks s certain way.

I think you’re not alone though because I do have friends who are in friend Groups where they is a big focus in appearance and comments on it. It always strikes me as exhausting and I’m glad I don’t have to think about appearance that much

@Gilead the autistic people I know do spend a lot of time looking at social media and analysing others...but as the expression goes, you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person (or something like that).

@AnneLovesGilbert

Everyone judges everyone all the time. What they’re looking at and what they extrapolate from it will differ but we’re designed to constantly make assessments, we teach our children to do the same partly as a way to keep them safe. Anyone who claims not to make judgements is lying.

Your self esteem seems to be very poor so work on loving and accepting yourself and you may be less unkind to others. Stalking randoms on Facebook is surely time you could spend more productively!

First post nailed it!

I wouldn’t say I judge people harshly, but I do sometimes make assumptions. Say I see a mum in her late 40s, with her kids Monty aged 5 and Belinda aged 3, dressed head to toe in boden, I think to myself “I bet they’re on mumsnet”

But in all seriousness, I think I look like a cross between an art teacher and a teenager with crows feet, I can’t really judge anyone.