Do you “judge” people based on how they look?

[Enid9]

I don’t know why I’m like this but I feel like I’m always analysing people on how they look.

If I see someone I don’t know, I look at them and wonder what their life is like, they’re slim, well dressed, nice hair.
I imagine they have a good job, own their own home and have a lots of friends with a nice social life.

If I see someone plain, overweight, not very stylish, I think the opposite of them.

I see groups of girls together who all look the same and couldn’t imagine them socialising with someone who looked different to them (as in the plain overweight person)

I have a weird belief that you need to look a certain way to be happy, accepted or fit in with society.

I have absolutely no idea where this has come
from.

I find myself stalking people on Facebook.
So if one of my friends meets another friend, I will
look at their pictures to see what they look like and how pretty / slim they are.

I met up with one of my friends a few weeks ago, she’s so slim and pretty and I felt good about being with her, but I felt bad about her being with me.

I wondered how many people would question why a good looking slim girl would want to hang out with an overweight ugly girl (me)

How can I over come this obsession with looks / weight? Where could it have come from?

YouShouldLeave I agree my mother was outwardly very kind to people but due to her own appalling self-esteem would make general comments that I have internalised. Like ‘well I’m glad I don’t have one of those flat bums some women have’ or ‘at least I’m not apple-shaped’ etc.

She didn’t know how to talk well of herself without running down other women and vice versa.

@Flippanty

Yes my mum can be like this too!!

What do you mean by you have internalised? This isn’t something I’ve ever thought about, I’ve never made a connection to how I feel and how my mum behaves.

Biases are b*tches and we all have them. You've become aware of yours and that's a great first step to overcome them, now you need to educate yourself around them. Open up yourself to learn where all these things come from, listen to people who have been victims of bias and how it affected them that has been one of the most powerful things for me. Understanding how my way of thinking may be having an impact on others even if I don't express it. In my head if we all do a bit to stop judging based on things like appearance then it might create a positive chain of action. I know I'm day dreaming but worth trying right?

I think we all do to a certain extent, it's human nature. I try not to, I want to be a nice person and give everyone the 'benefit of the doubt' - maybe they have a bad day, maybe they have a bad life, maybe they just went through something horrible (miscarriage, loss of someone they love, illness)

I always notice hair - clean, colour, cut etc
Nails
Shoes
Make up
Etc

The judgements you make of other people are just an insight into how you feel about yourself. You’re not a bad person you just obviously have incredibly low self esteem!

I completely agree with this. What annoys us in other people is what we have too.

I try not to judge, and generally I probably don't. I do notice if someone dresses unusually, but often it's a positive judgement (if any).

I found this comment really interesting too

How did your mother talk about women?
My own mother speaks still very harshly about women. so growing up i internalize a lot of her false beliefs and had to work on to changing my mind set. It can be done, although i wasn’t anywhere near as bad as you are.

Both my mother AND my grandmother (her mom) spoke v harshly about women.

I only tend to judge people on things that are very noticeable. For instance inappropriate clothing - high heels in snow or mud, if they are unkempt or dirty, if they are wearing something I really like or have a hair cut I really like.

I tend not to judge weight, but I admit to judging someone who wears something that really, really doesn't suit their shape.

I don't automatically think that beautiful people are nicer. In fact experience often says otherwise. A smile and a friendly face always wins for me.

@Enid9

I should add that I am a nice person. ☺️

Really? cause it don’t sound it!

I don’t judge people by their looks and that’s the truth! I judge them by how they behave towards me and others.

I think it’s totally normal to judge people based on appearances, after all we express ourselves through our clothes, hairstyle and make up, even if what we’re expressing is that we’re not interested in those things.

As long as you don’t discriminate against people for the way they look and you’re aware that you’re projecting things which may not be true then I can’t see any harm in it.

Yes. I think having insight into your judgements is the important thing.

For me, sometimes I analyse my first impression. Sometimes I tell myself off. Sometimes I think I'm wholly justified (eg people wearing shorts with half their bum hanging out). But I also appreciate it when people have an eye for style (whether or not it is something that I personally would wear or not). I don't feel guilty since I keep my views to myself.

How our parents behave has a huge impact on shaping who we are as people, even if we don’t realise it. I agree that these judgements are just a manifestation of how you feel about yourself. What’s really interesting to me is how differently you’d judge me on an ‘off’ day to when I’m nicely dressed. Sometimes I pop to my local Tesco at 10pm in pyjamas and a dog haired jumper and probably look like I’m poor, sad and down on my luck. I’m not, I’m a professional with a desirable job and I just bought my own flat! But I’m also a slob sometimes. I am generally pretty comfortable in myself these days but when I was depressed I would regard others much more negatively and often think nasty things about them. This disappeared when my mental health improved

You sound pretty normal to me. I’m sure you’re a nice person too.
We are hard wired to make a quick judgement when we see someone we don’t know. Are they a friend? Is it a man or a woman? Are they dangerous? This would have given us an advantage in the past (and still can now).
We look at people and a snap judgement might pop into our head. Doesn’t mean we have to go with it.
How about try this: every time you make a judgement, counteract it immediately by saying to yourself, e.g. there’s nothing wrong with being overweight, it has no bearing on her personality.
Maybe your will start to believe it about other people. Then you might start to believe it about yourself.

It happens automatically, I don't think you can help judging someone on how they look. However, then you get to know them and your initial judgements often change. If they're people you are just looking at in passing, and you never get to meet them properly, I suppose it doesn't really matter what you think about them - as long as it stays in your head and you don't vocalise it, there's no harm done.

By internalised I mean a lifetime of absorbing these little remarks here and there about other women has become the lense through which I unconsciously view myself. And when my body image is negative I then project that onto other people.

I also listened to my own mother talk about weight incessantly and do every diet under the sun. Again this was due to her own low self-esteem.

It didn’t really realise it had affected me when I was slim but now that I am carrying a bit of extra weight I find I am obsessing over it because that’s the way I was taught to think. I’m having to unlearn it all and it starts with accepting that my weight says absolutely nothing about me as a person! The same with other people, you can’t tell a thing about somebody based on their size, except a rough estimation of their body fat percentage. Which sounds like quite a boring thing to know about strangers when you think about it. Keep telling yourself this when you feel yourself judging people and try to flip it to something positive that’s not based on their looks. I promise you it will improve your own self-esteem!

everyone does it to a certain extent - but a lot of people probably don't dwell on it.
Facebook stalking people that your friends have met is weird, bordering on a bit creepy

I find it so sad that you feel that a slim woman is worth more than an overweight woman.

You have some serious self-esteem issues.

You're also rather nosey stalking friends of friends on Facebook.

Maybe all the time you spend judging other women, could be better spent reading some self-help books.

Clashing or mixed prints and colours suggest the person didn’t plan their outfit
Not plan their outfit? The horror, the horror

zebra pattern dress with yellow shoes, blue bag, pink hair band, polka dot cardigan, orange watch strap. To me it sort of suggests they don’t take much care of themselves.
That is quite an extrapolation

Yes and I think most people do? Even if they don’t want to

zebra pattern dress with yellow shoes, blue bag, pink hair band, polka dot cardigan, orange watch strap. To me it sort of suggests they don’t take much care of themselves.

I just assume the person isn't really bothered/can't tell which colours go together. DH specialises in this; I call it the 'wardrobe sneezed on you' look

I do this too, I guess most of us do, even if it’s unconscious. I appreciate people who look as though they’ve made an effort, be they male or female. It’s funny how wrong first impressions can be though, isn’t it?

Yes, I do.

However (before children) I worked in the legal sector on a 6 figure salary. When I worked I was immaculate.

Now i do the school run in trainers and jeans with my hair natural dried and thrown into a pony tail and no make up on. My DD has a horse so I make almost daily trips to the yard after Ive dropped her off. On the afternoon school run I often notice horse spit or stains on my coat/jeans/dirty trainers. Im aware im probably viewed like the pigeon lady from home alone, but I just dont see the point of dressing up for the school run when I would rather be asleep and I know im going to be filthy by 11am.

I look a bit better at weekends :).

Everyone makes judgements and initial assessments based on outward appearance. Anyone who says they don't are lying and trying to appear holier than thou.

@NEVERENDINGST0RY

Yes, I do.

However (before children) I worked in the legal sector on a 6 figure salary. When I worked I was immaculate.

Now i do the school run in trainers and jeans with my hair natural dried and thrown into a pony tail and no make up on. My DD has a horse so I make almost daily trips to the yard after Ive dropped her off. On the afternoon school run I often notice horse spit or stains on my coat/jeans/dirty trainers. Im aware im probably viewed like the pigeon lady from home alone, but I just dont see the point of dressing up for the school run when I would rather be asleep and I know im going to be filthy by 11am.

I look a bit better at weekends :).

@NEVERENDINGST0RY

I probably wouldn’t judge you on a school run.

If you are slim I wouldn’t assume the worst, but if you were very overweight (like me) I would assume you were not bothered about yourself and just didn’t want to make an effort.

nope. I will notice and not like it if someone smells or is dirty but apart from that no. Again in the job I had, one of the key foundations was non judgemental acceptance. I am not virtue signalling, its just the way it is.
Do you think you might need some help? The non judgemental acceptance thing has to apply to ourselves as well.

The first bite is with the eyes….. it is human nature to make assumptions on sight, wether it’s people, food etc so it’s perfectly natural to judge people on how they look. What’s a little concerning is how negatively you view yourself, maybe get some therapy?