Do you “judge” people based on how they look?

[Enid9]

I don’t know why I’m like this but I feel like I’m always analysing people on how they look.

If I see someone I don’t know, I look at them and wonder what their life is like, they’re slim, well dressed, nice hair.
I imagine they have a good job, own their own home and have a lots of friends with a nice social life.

If I see someone plain, overweight, not very stylish, I think the opposite of them.

I see groups of girls together who all look the same and couldn’t imagine them socialising with someone who looked different to them (as in the plain overweight person)

I have a weird belief that you need to look a certain way to be happy, accepted or fit in with society.

I have absolutely no idea where this has come
from.

I find myself stalking people on Facebook.
So if one of my friends meets another friend, I will
look at their pictures to see what they look like and how pretty / slim they are.

I met up with one of my friends a few weeks ago, she’s so slim and pretty and I felt good about being with her, but I felt bad about her being with me.

I wondered how many people would question why a good looking slim girl would want to hang out with an overweight ugly girl (me)

How can I over come this obsession with looks / weight? Where could it have come from?

@godmum56

Do you think you might need some help?

Some help with what exactly? This is what I don’t fully understand.

I mean, am I just a judgemental person, or do I have a warped perception of how women should look, and I’m judging myself (and others) on how I think they “should” look... ?

Wouldn't it rather depend on what you do with your judgement?
I'm short, rather plain, a bit dumpy & usually dressed in sportswear or dog walking clothes.
Your judgement of me is irrelevant if I don't know you, but if you're in my social circle or work environment would your judgement translate into discrimination or exclusion or nastiness?
If your judgemental personality doesn't manifest itself into your actions, then just work on improving your self-esteem & weird approach to strangers. If it does go on to affect your life & relationships, you're probably hurting yourself & others, as well as missing out on a lot of positive & fun & life-enhancing experiences & friendships.

I honestly am someone that doesn’t judge on appearance unless the appearance is drastic - like ripped clothes for instance. Little things like make up or “nice” hair are not something I pay attention too. I certainly wouldn’t connect someone well put together as desirable - because simply put I do not know them.

It’s really sad that you have such low self esteem! I’m sure your a lovely person, and your friend wouldn’t meet up with you if she thought that way.

People definitely do this, some are more aware of it than others.

I notice and admire people that are confident and comfortable to be themselves.

BTW You write beautifully @Enid9

@Ihaventgottimeforthis

Wouldn't it rather depend on what you do with your judgement? I'm short, rather plain, a bit dumpy & usually dressed in sportswear or dog walking clothes. Your judgement of me is irrelevant if I don't know you, but if you're in my social circle or work environment would your judgement translate into discrimination or exclusion or nastiness? If your judgemental personality doesn't manifest itself into your actions, then just work on improving your self-esteem & weird approach to strangers. If it does go on to affect your life & relationships, you're probably hurting yourself & others, as well as missing out on a lot of positive & fun & life-enhancing experiences & friendships.

@Ihaventgottimeforthis

Oh gosh. No it’s never translated into anything other than thoughts.

Perhaps it is a self esteem issue as the thoughts do affect how I think other people are thinking about me.

But that could be because I’m thinking it about me and possibly of them too.

*If I see someone I don’t know, I look at them and wonder what their life is like, they’re slim, well dressed, nice hair.
I imagine they have a good job, own their own home and have a lots of friends with a nice social life.

If I see someone plain, overweight, not very stylish, I think the opposite of them.*

Interesting you think this... because usually the opposite it true. All the slim well groomed women I know are like that because they don't work, and have time to spend exercising/in the gym. All my 'plain overweight' friends have great but demanding jobs hence little or no time to exercise regularly. I know which ones are the most interesting, and it ain't the gym bunnies...

[quote Enid9]@godmum56

Do you think you might need some help?

Some help with what exactly? This is what I don’t fully understand.

I mean, am I just a judgemental person, or do I have a warped perception of how women should look, and I’m judging myself (and others) on how I think they “should” look... ?[/quote]
because your whole OP is about how it makes YOU feel bad
"I have a weird belief that you need to look a certain way to be happy, accepted or fit in with society. "

"I see groups of girls together who all look the same and couldn’t imagine them socialising with someone who looked different to them (as in the plain overweight person) "

and you have just said that maybe you have self esteem issues.

Stalking on FB? Get a life

I don't judge everyone, but there are some things I do think are bad. Certain so-called fashion, men in grey tracksuit bottoms, for example.

Those who say they don’t judge, are lying.

We all do it.

Well I think some level of appraisal/judgement/criticism/imaginary life creation 😁 is natural, but to me I think it makes you sound like someone who has little confidence & low self esteem & it must be quite tiring really, to be so invested in strangers.
But if you can put your snap judgements to one side & treat people fairly & kindly then surely eventually you do find out that people are very different to how you imagine? Will that build more confidence in yourself eventually? Your own book is much more than just it's 'cover'.

@AuntieMarys

Stalking on FB? Get a life

@AuntieMarys

Perhaps I over stated by using the word “stalk”

If a friend tags a friend, I have a look at their profile picture, just to see what they look like.

I don’t go back and look again! It’s not as bad as it sounds! 🙄

Of course. It’s normal, it’s our first impression of people and trying to work out what they are like.

The trick is not to judge solely on this and remember that there’s a lot more to it than appearance.

My mum taught me to judge on appearance, and she judged herself hardest of all. Grabbing her upper arms and saying how flabby they were; grabbing and prodding at her spare tyre and saying how horrible it was; despairing of her double chin. All she did was teach me to hate me body, im exactly the same body type as her and getting more similar as I reach menopause sadly. So I automatically notice excess weight, on men too but especially women, I’ve been trained to.

I think everyone does a bit
If I see someone in a Schoffel, boat shoes and a signet ring I assume they are rural/agri.

If I see someone wearing big black boots, died hair and a lot of piercings I assume they like metal.
It doesn’t always have to have a value judgement but everyone makes assumptions from what they see!

If a friend tags a friend, I have a look at their profile picture, just to see what they look like.
I think that's a bit odd though. If my friend tagged one of their friends then I'd have no desire or need to look at a friend of a friend's social media.

Everyone makes initial assessments and judgements based on appearance, but it sounds like your reaction to other people goes beyond an initial assessment.

[quote Enid9]@godmum56

Do you think you might need some help?

Some help with what exactly? This is what I don’t fully understand.

I mean, am I just a judgemental person, or do I have a warped perception of how women should look, and I’m judging myself (and others) on how I think they “should” look... ?[/quote]
In answer to your questions: Yes, you are judgmental and have a warped perception of what is important and so yes, you need to work on yourself if you want to change. You know this, and you obviously aren't happy thinking like this or you presumably wouldn't have posted.

What Flippanty said above is right I think and they explain it really well. You've got low self-esteem. You're judging people on the same stuff you hate about yourself to try and make yourself feel better. It's a bit like the folk who come onto weight threads on here and make themselves feel better by bringing the poster down. That's the head space you're in by the sounds of it. Are those people horrible? Not necessarily. Probably not in real life and there are always reasons for things. A lot of negative, toxic stuff online is tied in with people's low self-esteem.

I don't want to come across like a mad sounding hippy (which is probably what you would think if you could see my clothes!), but all your "concerns" are completely shallow things. You're not seeing people as people at all - just a list of things they own and how much they pay for them, basically. What do you do currently to try and improve yourself? Do you have any sort of spiritual life? I don't mean, "have you found the Lord?" But what do you read and watch and do to try and develop your mind and improve yourself? These things have a massive influence. I have teen daughters. The one who is learning about Buddhism as part of her studies and also reading feminist books in her spare time seems a lot more sorted, self-confident and less self-critical than the one I'm worried about who is constantly on Instagram at the moment and watches a steady stream of reality TV and celebrity diet videos then wonders why she feels like shit. These forms of entertainment are fine in small doses, but like junk food for your soul if that is all you are consuming IMO.

I work with recovering addicts, so I do make a judgement when I see people based on appearance to try and work out the state someone is in substance-wise, but that is more to do with unwashed and dirty rather than anything else. Addicts come in all sorts of shapes, sizes and clothing. The best dressed person on your school run can be an alcoholic. People are so much more than their weight and appearance.

If you want to be less shallow, put the work in basically.

I think everyone notices things - outfits they like, people they think are attractive, people who look out of place etc, but the things you really focus on personally probably have more to do with your own insecurities.

I was bullied a lot at school and am inclined to think people won't want to make friends with me, so when I see groups of very dressed up women who've obviously spent a lot of time and money on their appearance, I always assume they will be hostile and if they're not, I feel wary that they may not be being sincere.

Otherwise, I tend to notice things that I like rather than dislike about how other people look.

I judge on appearances in the sense that I assume someone is trashy if they’re wearing a tracksuit or covered in tattoos. Or if they’ve dyed themselves orange and stuck on long acrylic nails. I’d probably assume they weren’t my kind of people and wouldn’t attempt to make friends. I wouldn’t judge based on weight or attractiveness.

@MrsDThomas

Those who say they don’t judge, are lying.

We all do it.

Yes, but there's a massive difference between thinking, "that person looks sporty/outdoorsy", or "wow, that person looks really glamorous" and what the OP is doing, "That person looks fat and must be lazy and useless". It's damaging to her own self-esteem thinking like this.

What do you do currently to try and improve yourself? Do you have any sort of spiritual life? I don't mean, "have you found the Lord?" But what do you read and watch and do to try and develop your mind and improve yourself?

@AllieBallyBee

Erm... nothing.

I wouldn’t know an were to start to improve myself.
I don’t read or watch much either and I don’t really have hobbies, unless eating and drinking could be classed as a hobby 😆
I work, come home, eat sleep and repeat.

* when I see groups of very dressed up women who've obviously spent a lot of time and money on their appearance, I always assume they will be hostile and if they're not, I feel wary that they may not be being sincere.*

I can fully understand this. I feel the same way.

There's a vast difference between "noticing" and "judging". One involves an assessment and one does not.

@YouShouldLeave

Bingo! My mother says appalling things about other women and extrapolates all kinds of things about them based on looks/clothing. She's a dreadful snob. She's also incredibly insecure.

I think I went the other way just to piss her off - openly embracing scruffy, lumpy, "dolled-up" etc folks.

I do however have a nightmare dealing with my own appearance. I'm literally ashamed of myself even though I fall well within the bounds of normal. Her voice is well and truly stuck in my head its crap.

I know someone who is late thirties but looks 19. I can't view her as anything more than a teen however much I berate myself for it. A lot of people make assumptions based on how someone looks. Human nature even if it is unfair.

No.