Do you “judge” people based on how they look?

[Enid9]

I don’t know why I’m like this but I feel like I’m always analysing people on how they look.

If I see someone I don’t know, I look at them and wonder what their life is like, they’re slim, well dressed, nice hair.
I imagine they have a good job, own their own home and have a lots of friends with a nice social life.

If I see someone plain, overweight, not very stylish, I think the opposite of them.

I see groups of girls together who all look the same and couldn’t imagine them socialising with someone who looked different to them (as in the plain overweight person)

I have a weird belief that you need to look a certain way to be happy, accepted or fit in with society.

I have absolutely no idea where this has come
from.

I find myself stalking people on Facebook.
So if one of my friends meets another friend, I will
look at their pictures to see what they look like and how pretty / slim they are.

I met up with one of my friends a few weeks ago, she’s so slim and pretty and I felt good about being with her, but I felt bad about her being with me.

I wondered how many people would question why a good looking slim girl would want to hang out with an overweight ugly girl (me)

How can I over come this obsession with looks / weight? Where could it have come from?

I have an acquaintance who is what you could describe as ‘plain’ - greying hair, unconventional body shape, not bothered about fashion, loves a good charity shop cardigan & never wears makeup.

She is one of the most sociable people I have ever met with a wide circle of friends and acquaintances and a really interesting life. She has done everything and anything and is well travelled and very well educated.

I know people judge her when they first meet her but as soon as she opens her mouth to speak she ‘blows everyone out of the water’.

She is amazing and she has taught me to never judge a book by it’s cover!

@misskick

You keep saying your a nice person, but surely you see how your coming across on this thread I think unless you acknowledge your views so horrid, you are not going to change it and constantly judge people just on appearance. When I am at my happiest I always have more weight on me as I'm happy. When I'm stressed and miserable I barely eat.

@misskick

That’s because I genuinely am a nice person.
I would do anything for anyone.

I have friends who I care about a lot.

I’m not rude to people. I’m not arrogant or selfish.

I just have a really bad perception of how I feel people think I should look.

Well I just genuinely suggest to read "Warning` by Jenny Joseph.

And learn to spit.

I am still under the age and aiming for wearing purple and satin shoes.

It's a poem, it will make you feel great👍

That’s because I genuinely am a nice person.

You aren't. Again -- nice people don't do what you do.

This type of stereotype based judgement says more about the person making it than the realities of those who are judged.
We are all on a journey, some of us are just further along the road. The more experience of different environments and people that you have the less credence you pay to shallow societal stereotypes.
Maybe when you are able to be kinder to yourself you will be less obsessed with judging others.

In my line of work, I come across lots of vulnerable women. Most of whom have suffered at the hands of some form of abuse. Their self worth is tarnished.

This post strikes me that it has been posted by someone who has incredibly low self esteem.
Not that it has been posted by someone who is judgemental / a bad person.

There seems to be a lot of projection going on here.
You seem to be unhappy with how YOU look and in turn assume that others who look the same way, must be too.

You have a belief that being slim / beautiful means you are worth (through what, I’m unsure)

I think by surrounding yourself with slim / pretty people, you feel reassumed that you’re a accepted.

It must be such an exhausting and unhappy way to live.

I’d urge you to seek some professional advice about how you’re feeling.

@Enid9, some people are being very harsh in their responses to you. I think that is because you have been almost brutal to yourself in exposing your inner thoughts. I can empathise with you because I have had similar judgemental thoughts all my life and felt/been judged in the same way. And yes there will always be those who do actively judge and insult others by superficial standards. And sometimes that may be you as it often is me. I never express it so I find it very easy to be taken as a 'nice' person. I know there is far more to me than that so there is with you or anyone else. We all contain multitudes. The one thing I have realised at last is it does not matter as long as you are not personally insulting, harrassing anyone or bitching behind their back. Your thoughts are just your thoughts. But here they are expressions of self-hatred so you are harming and limiting yourself. You also seem to be bored and frustrated with life.

When I read your first post I thought you would be a very young person recovering from the pressures of school days to conform to a certain look. Maybe you are a bit older than that as you mention working. I do think access to social media does not help in escaping self-obsession. It does seem to be limiting your development as a person. Your posts come over to me as person struggling towards a different perception than you have always had previously. Obviously this past year has also limited what you can do outside of work and home but I think it would help you if you could develop your inner life apart from superficial concerns or what anyone else thinks.

In your original post you did ask how you could get over your obsession with looks/weight so here is my suggestion for what it's worth. You are already showing an interest in story telling by wondering about the people you meet or just see on Facebook but there is a universe of richer, deeper human life available to you in film, fiction, history, memoirs etc. whether it is modern English speaking , older classics or other cultures/languages.

Are you interested in art, architecture, decor, fashion, theatre, music, dance, food (growing, making, history of, politics of) the environment, science, games, sport, animals, politics? Just some suggestions where your interests might be. Not all of them all of the time but there is so much available to you and us all now through the Internet, television, radio, books. Even if you cannot join groups or organisations at the moment you could explore for half an hour or so rather than stay on Facebook.

I don't mean to be patronising but I truly think your life would be more fulfilling if you used some of your time and curiousity to cultivate your inner life in just one way that isn't entirely personal to you or your friends .Have you watched recent programmes like the Mitfords one, the Ann Boleyn ones, Downton Abbey (showing my own bias to history here)? I do think it is easier to be more detached about more remote events and help you not to dwell on your appearance. What I trying to get at is that it does not have to be personal to be an expression of your personality. You could extend your curiousity about the life behind people's appearance by exploring the cultural and historical context of fictional/historical lives that interest you in some way.

I think subconsciously everyone judges to an extent, but only in extreme cases. However not about slim and fat friends. However I think sometimes people dress outrageously to get a reaction.

I suppose I might wonder a bit about extremes (eg, super made-up, immaculate hair at one extreme, or very unkempt, unflattering clothes at the other) but I've never thought much about what someone's appearance says about their lives. I can understand being interested in that though, it wouldn't make someone a bad person.

I think I've wondered about people who I come across on a regular basis, rather than strangers - for example I used to be in a choir and there was a woman there who was quite young but seemed to be dressed and styled in a very frumpy way like someone much older and I did wonder about that, but that was a fairly extreme example.

I thought about this yesterday as I realised the tighter my T-shirt the more drivers stop to let me cross the road 🤔

I also went to my neighbour’s house to collect a parcel and was amazed by how beautifully groomed she is. She was wearing a sort of red apron with waist ties, a nice dress under it, perfect make up with lipstick and gel nails to match the apron. Fluffy slippers. Styled hair. Very slim. No idea how old she is but she has adult kids so must be late 30s or early 40s. I know she’s been ill recently too so I have to admit I was impressed.

I didn’t think much about it until I got home and saw myself in the mirror 😳 I’d come straight from work and commuting so had joggers, T-shirt, frizzy wild hair, rain-smudged make up and what looked suspiciously like a love bite on my neck (it’s a bruise from an insect bite that’s been rubbed by my lanyard but it doesn’t look like that!) She must have seen me in the garden in my pyjamas and dressing gown a lot too. But she was utterly lovely and showed no signs of being fazed by my appearance.

Today I’m taking DC to a party (mums stay) so will choose my outfit carefully, wash and blow dry my hair, apply make up carefully. And do the same for DC.

It is hard to control inner thoughts. I worry constantly about my weight so my mind obsesses about other people’s weight too. I judge fat people in the street which is crazy because I am overweight but it is because I don’t want to be. The thing is, it is a bit like an OCD, and these are unwanted intrusive thoughts. If I challenge myself, I do not think badly of people who are overweight. I understand completely how hard weight management can be. And i definitely treat all people the same and would be just as likely to make friends with someone overweight as someone slim. It is just my mind being a bit faulty when these negative thoughts enter my head and I have to stamp them out. I am sure it is the same for you. Just keep telling yourself to think differently. And challenge those thoughts as you receive them. I don’t think it makes you a bar person, i agree it is related to your own low self esteem.

I should add that I am a nice person

I think this could b e part of the problem - you are possibly very conscious of how you come over to others and what they think of you.
It's important to be seen as nice.

When a healthier attitude would be be who you are - perhaps when dealing with people when you are tired you aren't so 'nice'.
Stop thinking about what you are projecting and you will stop sussing everyone else to see how they match up.
Some mindfulness might help.

I do this too OP. It's because I'm the ugliest of ugly. The lowest of the low. And it reconfirms that when I look at women and think how lovely they look and how pulled together.

Yes. I do, but it's more of an automatic thing and normally people who stick out - like a belly of a man flopping over his trousers not being covered by his T shirt or someone with a lot of skin on display.

I think it's quite normal.

We're hard-wired to judge by appearances. Psych tests show that people who think they don't are the ones who usually show the most stereotypical thinking.

Recognising the innate behaviour and actively discarding it is a far healthier attitude.

Wondering what people are like from how they look is a harmless pasttime, because you recognise it as daydreaming.

Actually discriminating is a separate matter. It breaches no laws but it's not a good thing (it's why taller, more conventionally good looking people are paid better, despite no one recruiting to those values)

What is reasonable to judge is someone who has made no effort to be adequately groomed- I don't mean ultra glossy, I mean things like hair brushed, clothes clean, no funny smell. Because you can't help the shape of your features, and you don't have to dress a certain way, but unless you are deliberately making a rejectionist statement, there is I think a minima

I definitely admire someone well turned out but absolutely don't judge or care about what others look like or what clothes they wear. Would you not be friends with someone who was overweight/badly groomed/bad style (all subjective and none important but just wondering)?

I don’t understand it either.

I guess I just look at the person and compare them to me.

If they look like me (overweight, crap hair, not attractive) then I would think badly of them, like I do myself.

If they’re slim, pretty, great hair, I think highly of them.
They’re a better person, probably have a lot going for them. Not lazy etc.

It’s simple really!

There are certain things you really dislike about yourself or think are nit good enough.
The way you look, the way you dress, your body shape, your hair...
You think that these things are a direct result of some personality flaw you have: too lazy, too greedy etc.

So, when you see others looking unpolished you project all these feelings into them. ‘When I look like crap it’s because of XYZ so they must be the same’

From what you’ve said about yourself I would guess they trigger you.
it’s like you’re looking in a mirror and seeing what YOU perceive as all your ‘failings’ or potential failings.
It’s projection that’s all.

(I’ve got a question for you!
Did you grow up wealthy or poor OP?)

Edith
What is reasonable to judge is someone who has made no effort to be adequately groomed- I don't mean ultra glossy, I mean things like hair brushed, clothes clean, no funny smell.

How would you judge people like this Edith?

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

I definitely admire someone well turned out but absolutely don't judge or care about what others look like or what clothes they wear. Would you not be friends with someone who was overweight/badly groomed/bad style (all subjective and none important but just wondering)?

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

I’m not saying I wouldn’t be friends, but I think I’d have thoughts about being friends with them.

Mainly things like, what would other people think?

When I meet one of my friends (who is really attractive, slim) I feel good around her, I don’t worry that anyone would point or laugh at us (maybe me) but we wouldn’t be targeted by say a group of lads looking to be mean.

But if I went out with someone who looked more like me, I feel like we’d stand out and just be a target for someone to take the piss out of.

@Dandyish10

In my line of work, I come across lots of vulnerable women. Most of whom have suffered at the hands of some form of abuse. Their self worth is tarnished.

This post strikes me that it has been posted by someone who has incredibly low self esteem.
Not that it has been posted by someone who is judgemental / a bad person.

There seems to be a lot of projection going on here.
You seem to be unhappy with how YOU look and in turn assume that others who look the same way, must be too.

You have a belief that being slim / beautiful means you are worth (through what, I’m unsure)

I think by surrounding yourself with slim / pretty people, you feel reassumed that you’re a accepted.

It must be such an exhausting and unhappy way to live.

I’d urge you to seek some professional advice about how you’re feeling.

This this this OP 💐

@TheSunShinesBright

Did you grow up wealthy or poor OP?)

I would say somewhere inbetween.

My mum was a single parent. She always worked.
I don’t ever felt like we struggled, we always had nice things.
However in comparison to my friends at school
I do always remember feeling like I didn’t have the same as them.

For instance two parents, a mum that could drive (my mum didn’t and still can’t drive)
a fancy house (we lived in a council house on a not so great estate)

I don’t live in that area anymore, I drive, have a good job.
There’s always been a part of me that hates where I grew up and I’m determined not to be like the girls in that area.

I don’t live in that area anymore, I drive, have a good job.
There’s always been a part of me that hates where I grew up and I’m determined not to be like the girls in that area.

A lot of emotions we feel originate from fear OP.
Things or situations we’re fearful of disgust us, make us angry, make us sad... I don’t know...
I can’t explain it very well but hopefully some else can!

Oh wow, and thanks for answering, that's pretty sad really and I think sounds like an engrained/conditioned way of thinking for whatever reason. Not that you can't let go of it. You can challenge it - in your scenario, it would be anyone giving you a hard time that would be a lower, right?! And don't forget, plenty of people look outwardly fantastic, but their lives may not be so great.

I used to be slim immaculate hair nails done etc good job now I’m lucky if I get dressed wash my hair on a good day Im very overweight , I had a mental breakdown and was sectioned
I sometimes wonder what the parents at my DD school think as the transformation in my appearance is quite dramatic