To feel as though this is the last straw

[DumbestBlonde]

I have attached a copy of the letter I received yesterday (it comes from Canada, and not to my home, so took a while).... It will have crossed in the air with the Father's Day card I sent, with a small message.
Full disclosure (mentioned elsewhere, but I don't expect anyone to search, or remember), this gentleman was not a father in any real sense; he fought for custody to control my mother, and then put me with his parents (I was 2.5), with no further legal actions. (I dod not see my mother again until I was 16.)
Lots of history, but I never lived with him - he has been married to third wife for 50 years this year. They have two sons who are now in their 40s and have various children (both have also been divorced).
I have tried to turn to him for help several times - but not recently. He is a very rich man. I have also very rarely asked him for some career input, or moral support. Drawn a blank there too.

I have not tried to speak to him on the phone since July 2019; I have not written to him, or replied (told not to, on both counts) to letters from him - usually of this nature, have been worse - since, I think, 2014 - and that was actually an email in which he called me "holier-than-thou", and told me to Get A Life. I will not conduct our relationship via email, and he knows that.

This has come out of the blue - and I am at a complete loss. In the past, I have spent hours - days even, trying to compose a suitable reply. To the detriment of every other aspect of my life (also posted elsehwere). When I read stuff like this, I just cannot see the point in going on.
Can someone please give me an opinion, or two; or more? I feel that whichever way I turn, I am being unreasonable. Is the only way, Out?
xx

(If i am not allowed to do this, someone please tell me....)

This is vile , you poor thing ! Ignore in future please , no good can come of keeping communication going . Sending a hug

@catsareme14

This is vile , you poor thing ! Ignore in future please , no good can come of keeping communication going . Sending a hug

You're very right... Thank you, and for the hug x

International Man of Style and Mystery
Ha ha well done you are getting it. Take the piss out of him. How about a rename to
"Provincial Manbaby of Pomposity and Obscurity". Or Twatface for short.

Mini burning bin from Amazon - best investment ever

"Only if the parents are useless cowardly, unsophisticated and emotionally constipated lumps" Yes, go for it Blondie!

But I do find his novels very very pretentious - maybe because I know the author; who is much like the Wizard of Oz. Pull back the curtain and it's just a little man Keep repeating.. he is a LITTLE man, a little pathetic pretentious little man.....

My brother thought he was "a bit of a weasel" Good judge of character then?

You are over the worst. Just don't let him suck you back in to communications and you can push all his constipated lump of Wizard of Oz fakery out of your head. Oh and you are NOT a Dumb Blonde.

@Gerwurtztraminer - haha - the highlights! I can be such a wit
I do think I am getting over the worst (Ground Zero +2) and it is in large (total) part due to the help of people like you

I may otherwise have been drafting, editing, writing effing Post-its when I remembered another point to make (probably in total contradiction of a point I had already made....), switching between laptops, flash drives and even going to the Library to concentrate! And of course, digging out the bloody Black Box of Doom to make sure I was not repeating myself or causing offence somehow.
Madness!! (But unable to stop myself - a pattern of behaviour I have developed in place of becoming good at - well, basically anything.....

Anyway - instead - a mammoth thread on MN - and an outpouring of interest and support and wisdom. Thank you so much xx

SO, SO much the better choice

My brother was lucky - adopted right out of the crazy (and into more, it must be said )

What an epic cunt he is.

You have my sympathy and my awe at having survived him

You are very witty. Humour has helped me survive many difficult things in my life and will help you through too.

Sooooo, I am thinking that if any unwanted thoughtsabout Twatface pop up, imagine him dressed as Austin Powers, with the bad teeth and toupee, prancing around to the theme tune.

It works for me. I'm not sure this is what my counsellor had in mind when they recommanded visualisation techniques but ......

I had a bully boss who was making me so stressed out. Then during a very important meeting she kept dashing out without warning or explanation. It was obvious something unpleasantly loo related was occurring. Later told me she'd eaten something dodgy for lunch. Thereafter, whenever she was being a cow to me I'd visualise her sitting on the toilet with the squits, trapped in a cubicle knowing a roomful of people were waiting for her and had certainly guessed what the problem was. I'm sure she had no idea why I was grinning as she ranted on. True poo story

@Gerwurtztraminer

You are very witty. Humour has helped me survive many difficult things in my life and will help you through too.

Sooooo, I am thinking that if any unwanted thoughtsabout Twatface pop up, imagine him dressed as Austin Powers, with the bad teeth and toupee, prancing around to the theme tune.

It works for me. I'm not sure this is what my counsellor had in mind when they recommanded visualisation techniques but ......

I had a bully boss who was making me so stressed out. Then during a very important meeting she kept dashing out without warning or explanation. It was obvious something unpleasantly loo related was occurring. Later told me she'd eaten something dodgy for lunch. Thereafter, whenever she was being a cow to me I'd visualise her sitting on the toilet with the squits, trapped in a cubicle knowing a roomful of people were waiting for her and had certainly guessed what the problem was. I'm sure she had no idea why I was grinning as she ranted on. True poo story

Oh, I LOVE the s"""ty (in more ways than one) boss story...... The whole naked or on the toilet visualiation trick can really help

My wittiness comes and goes, and of course, not much chance to use it in real life, but I appreciate the compliment I can be cautious about humor for either deflection or as an aid to get through - as when I have seen Chatty Patti laugh her way through her life with my Father, she does actually seem like someone who is not quite right in the head.

He once said to me that he measures everyone against her seeming inability to take offence (how lovely - she is basically a Stepford wife...), so I do not know what chance a Normal person - with oh-oh, "hang-ups" - might have of being acceptable to him

@LemonFantaGin

Hello,

Thank you so much for your letter, they always fill me wish such joy.

You will be pleased to know that my life is fantastic and it is about to get so much better, as I have decided to remove all negativity from my life.

I wish you health and happiness, please do not contact me again.

Much love

DB

This is perfection.

Jesus OP. With every word I read I hated him more and more.

@Noshowlomo

Jesus OP. With every word I read I hated him more and more.

Oh I so wish I could manage it..... Or, even better, indifference..... Thank you for reading it though - it is like one of those sick things that it is impossible to look away from

x

@LemonFantaGin

Hello,

Thank you so much for your letter, they always fill me wish such joy.

You will be pleased to know that my life is fantastic and it is about to get so much better, as I have decided to remove all negativity from my life.

I wish you health and happiness, please do not contact me again.

Much love

DB

This. In massive, massive spades. Your father is a complete fucker. Please cut him out like you would a cancerous growth and live your life without him. Much love and strength to you, I feel for you having had to cut my cancerous, cunty parents too. It’s hard. ❤️

Send a reply:

FUCK OFF

Print it on the biggest piece of paper you can and fold it as small as you can then it will take him time to unfold and open it

😂

@DumbestBlonde

Having been free of my own toxic and harmful mother for decades now, and although painful, it was the best gift I ever gave myself.

Out the other side you can actually get on and make the most of the rest of your life.

Sending you my best wishes that you give less and less space in your head to him over time

@nokia3210567

Send a reply:

FUCK OFF

Print it on the biggest piece of paper you can and fold it as small as you can then it will take him time to unfold and open it

😂

Oh, I wouldn't dare...... I am not even allowed to say something "pi**es me off". He would be apoplectic. But I love ter thought of a massive note folded teeny that he would then throw to the other side of the room as though it had burnt him as he unfolded it to read what was written

[quote FantasticButtocks]@DumbestBlonde

Having been free of my own toxic and harmful mother for decades now, and although painful, it was the best gift I ever gave myself.

Out the other side you can actually get on and make the most of the rest of your life.

Sending you my best wishes that you give less and less space in your head to him over time [/quote]
Thank you Butt-Ocks (why do I hear that in Forrest Gump's voice? _)
I wish I knew how to do it, and you have my utmost sympathy and yet, a level of envy at your accomplishment (for want of a better word), in having freed yourself of someone so harmful to you
And again, I have to say, the comments on here have really really helped me through this terrible setback, and I am so so grateful.....

And yes, the space in the head to think more clearly - despite the terrible burden they have given - is so precious and easily filled by the toxicity I would give anything to have devoted as much time, thought and effort into something - anything - rather than him (them, I am sad to say). I have learnt a lot from you all, and hope to get through this and beyond, which I did not think I could when I wrote the original post.....

xx

I freed myself from mine 12.5 years ago.

You just....stop.

And you start living.

@Malteser71

I freed myself from mine 12.5 years ago.

You just....stop.

And you start living.

I have tried - but I don't make any kind of announcement (could not), so he just yanks that chain again..... and there - here - we go again.

I am in awe of those who CAN (sadly though....) make the break.

@standupsitdownturnaround

Sorry one more option, carefully choose an Amazon order for him and send via Amazon Canada:

Strunk and White's Element's of style (short bible of writing advice)

The art of the personal letter - Margaret shepherd

How to stop being negative, angry and mean - Richard banks

And one for uou OP:

Adult children of emotionally immature parents - how to heal from distant, rejecting or self involved parents - Lindsay Gibson

This!

@standupsitdownturnaround - I love your style.

I am stunned by that letter.

My response would be:
Go f#£k yourself, you narcissistic, gaslighting tw#t.

You have no right to call me 'Dad'. You ripped me away from my mother but couldn't be ar£ed to parent me yourself.

My mother is anything but a sl&g but I'll tell you one thing, you're a c#nt of the higgest order.

Don't ever contact me again, you pathetic piece of sh@DumbestBlonde

He's a writer, you say? He's got no grasp of letter writing. Terrible vocab and to call your mother a slag and think that's ok? Wow!

Honestly think a lot of it is for convenience rather than because there’s any science or logic.

Of course the school would prefer the parents to stay away - less hassle.

Sorry wrong thread

So the point of writing is to upset you. My DM used to do that. I would tell him flatly not to contact you again.

I know it's so hard. All I ever wanted (until I didnt) was a mother or my mother to love me. Then one day I just hated her. I still hate her and shes been dead for years.

You will get there.

@DumbestBlonde

I have tried - but I don't make any kind of announcement (could not), so he just yanks that chain again..... and there - here - we go again.

The way you do it, is to go completely silent and off radar. When he next yanks the chain - don't be on the other end of it.

If you receive further letters from him, (heart-stopping when they arrive, I know) don't read them. If you feel a need to know what's inside and cannot bear to immediately get rid, then give them to a friend to read, to check if it's 1. More nastiness 2. An apology of some kind or 3. Urgent family news. Then make a decision whether to read it yourself or not. In any case, you do not have to respond. He can actually be left dangling for the rest of his life.

He is such an angry and spiteful man (like my m) that you are maybe (like I am) frightened of him, what he will think, what his view is, what he will say, how he will lacerate you with his words... how angry he will be if you are not on the other end of that chain to be yanked whenever he pleases... But if you've stepped away and won't read or hear any more of his bile, his anger can stay with him and others who are around him (poor them).

Best of luck

I had a mother who used to send me nasty letters. I took the decision to stop opening them. It was the right decision. They were made out of anger and frustration (not really with me even) and designed to hurt. They were a painful waste of my own energy and happiness and I'm very glad I don't carry around the memory of whatever those words were.

I did get DP to glance over them in case there was any information I actually needed to know because she was alone and I'll (not the case with your father) but there never was.

In my opinion, and it's only that, any reply will fan the fire for you as well as him because there will always be comeback, even if it's only in your own mind. Perhaps a decision simply not to engage would afford you more relief and more power.