To feel as though this is the last straw

[DumbestBlonde]

I have attached a copy of the letter I received yesterday (it comes from Canada, and not to my home, so took a while).... It will have crossed in the air with the Father's Day card I sent, with a small message.
Full disclosure (mentioned elsewhere, but I don't expect anyone to search, or remember), this gentleman was not a father in any real sense; he fought for custody to control my mother, and then put me with his parents (I was 2.5), with no further legal actions. (I dod not see my mother again until I was 16.)
Lots of history, but I never lived with him - he has been married to third wife for 50 years this year. They have two sons who are now in their 40s and have various children (both have also been divorced).
I have tried to turn to him for help several times - but not recently. He is a very rich man. I have also very rarely asked him for some career input, or moral support. Drawn a blank there too.

I have not tried to speak to him on the phone since July 2019; I have not written to him, or replied (told not to, on both counts) to letters from him - usually of this nature, have been worse - since, I think, 2014 - and that was actually an email in which he called me "holier-than-thou", and told me to Get A Life. I will not conduct our relationship via email, and he knows that.

This has come out of the blue - and I am at a complete loss. In the past, I have spent hours - days even, trying to compose a suitable reply. To the detriment of every other aspect of my life (also posted elsehwere). When I read stuff like this, I just cannot see the point in going on.
Can someone please give me an opinion, or two; or more? I feel that whichever way I turn, I am being unreasonable. Is the only way, Out?
xx

(If i am not allowed to do this, someone please tell me....)

Just to say - sorry about your experiences - I remember I mentioned to you about Quebec and French law of inheritance prevailing there in a previous thread of yours(?) - i.e. not being allowed to disinherit your child (originally Code Napoleon). It is on google. He may be taking on ''nastiness'' of characters from his writings so perhaps it's them rather than him being nasty?! I understand that happens with writers with a lot of imagination etc - who knows? Take the easy way out however you decide to deal with it - but bear in mind any inheritance possibility - why lose it now?

presentation - ugh (I need a light up keyboard, for sure)

@tara66

Just to say - sorry about your experiences - I remember I mentioned to you about Quebec and French law of inheritance prevailing there in a previous thread of yours(?) - i.e. not being allowed to disinherit your child (originally Code Napoleon). It is on google. He may be taking on ''nastiness'' of characters from his writings so perhaps it's them rather than him being nasty?! I understand that happens with writers with a lot of imagination etc - who knows? Take the easy way out however you decide to deal with it - but bear in mind any inheritance possibility - why lose it now?

Yes, I remember you telling me, thank you so much One area of confusion would be acknowledged children (although most of this is probably not relevant as he has told me he is (or was) leaving me "only a little bit" .....). There are of course his two VERY acknowledged sons from this marriage - but then me, my sister paternity not disputed), and my brother (I feel sure he would WANT to dispute his paternity (which is cruel and ridiculous, and anyway my brother could not give a *t). But there is/was also I discovered a few years ago, another daughter - who came from his relationship with his second wife. However, she was born before they got married - he forced (don'tknow how, but had already tried to cause a miscarriage) Maureen to give her up and then they STILL got married (!) although it unsurpisingly did not last long. A few years ago, when I was sort of in touch with that family (but not Maureen herself who was not well), I was told by them that my father has been looking for this daughter, who is of course another half-sister to me. When I brought it up with him, he just shut me down.

So it would not be simple, even if he did abide by the legislation, which I think he will make every effort to avoid.

He is the one who has brought it all up , as usual on his terms - and latterly, used it as just another weapon. The talk of bringing it forward (by Chatty Patti to me when alone, so without his input and therefore may be BS) was when I was in a very bad situation. And I still am, and he knows it (not from me directly); whatever he decides to do, he is fully aware that it will in all likelihood, be too late.

He has SOOO many characters in his books (think James Bond types) - goodies and baddies - whizzing around Monaco and the more glamorous areas of Europe.
Some of them are real villains; I think his favourite character was ot is a madly attractive, highly competent assassin. So what does that say I wonder?
But I do find his novesl very very pretentious - maybe because I know the author; who is much like the Wizard of Oz. Pull back the curtain and it's just a little man.
My brother - after the 12 years "wait" to meet him - told me after the event, that he thought he was "a bit of a weasel".

Are these actual novels or from a vanity press?

@ravenmum

Are these actual novels or from a vanity press?

Hmm - you see, I wonder about that...... But they have been sold (I saw some of them) in WH Smith, and of course are available on Amazon, including the BDSM one . BUT - the publishing company is his as well, so - what's that all about. The name of it is his surname and part of the name of the area of Canada he lives in now.

The other odd thing that he does is use his eldest son's picture and bio as his own - and that has also been included in blogger interviews in the fiction world and maybe other places I have not discovered. When I first found tghat out, I was SO SO disappointed (he did not do it in his first interation as a writer - well, not actually his first when you read the interviews.....), and couldn't help but wonder what A* [his son] thinks about it...... But I don't ask, how would I dare....

So, that's a long answer to your short question - predictably complicated, I am sorry to say

Sounds like they do actually sell if they are in WHSmith. It's definitely not the son writing them?!

@ravenmum

Sounds like they do actually sell if they are in WHSmith. It's definitely not the son writing them?!

Definitely not - he genuinely would not have the time, despite the blurb in the bio. But there was a slip up (but "intentinal" when the local (online only I believe) newsletter for the town where he lives did a small feature about him - it WAS about a couple of his books (one being the BDSM....) and included a picture of the great man himself, standing by his fireplace in his house, There aren't many people who would put everything together (or in fact, care to....) except me.

intentional
(?)

@Gerwurtztraminer sorry for the bad advice - wouldn’t wish to make things worse. If someone showed this to me about me I’d be devastated but as you say this man is not by any standards caring or considerate. My apols.

even as I am embarrassed by the contents and what they say about me.

Stop right there. In any real sense they don't say anything about you, but they say a lot about the man you are unlucky enough to have as a father.

Please don't believe that you are all the things he says you are, because you're not. He sees his life through a very dark and precise prism - one in which, like his novels, there is a hero (him) and a whole hatful of baddies (everyone else). You are not the character he's chosen to write for you.

If you don't take anything else from this thread, please take this. That the you he describes is not the real you. Don't be embarrassed. Don't think less of yourself. Be proud that you're not like him, that you are a decent human being.

(But for added satisfaction, before you burn the letters, please spit on them with all the contempt you can muster.)

@DumbestBlonde

I have attached a copy of the letter I received yesterday (it comes from Canada, and not to my home, so took a while).... It will have crossed in the air with the Father's Day card I sent, with a small message. Full disclosure (mentioned elsewhere, but I don't expect anyone to search, or remember), this gentleman was not a father in any real sense; he fought for custody to control my mother, and then put me with his parents (I was 2.5), with no further legal actions. (I dod not see my mother again until I was 16.) Lots of history, but I never lived with him - he has been married to third wife for 50 years this year. They have two sons who are now in their 40s and have various children (both have also been divorced). I have tried to turn to him for help several times - but not recently. He is a very rich man. I have also very rarely asked him for some career input, or moral support. Drawn a blank there too.

I have not tried to speak to him on the phone since July 2019; I have not written to him, or replied (told not to, on both counts) to letters from him - usually of this nature, have been worse - since, I think, 2014 - and that was actually an email in which he called me "holier-than-thou", and told me to Get A Life. I will not conduct our relationship via email, and he knows that.

This has come out of the blue - and I am at a complete loss. In the past, I have spent hours - days even, trying to compose a suitable reply. To the detriment of every other aspect of my life (also posted elsehwere). When I read stuff like this, I just cannot see the point in going on.
Can someone please give me an opinion, or two; or more? I feel that whichever way I turn, I am being unreasonable. Is the only way, Out?
xx

(If i am not allowed to do this, someone please tell me....)

Write “Who dis?” in big, red letters on each page, and post it back to him.

And return any further letters “Not Known at This Address”.

@DumbestBlonde

NO reply - even though I wasted half the night of Day One trying to compose one - and feeling as thoughI was going crazy,

Not a waste. In fact a very good cathartic exercise would be to write whatever you'd really like to say knowing you won't be sending it.

Just get it out of you. Do not send him a word though. Ever. It's almost a sport to him, so don't play. You'll get hurt.

Time for NC. Don't even reply. I think this the point of no return, the point where you shut the door for good. This relationship will never be what you want it to.

Bin it. He's a narcissist who has typed the whole thing designed in a way to hurt you. There's not a nice thing in there. It's all about trying to make you feel guilty. I'm so sorry you've had to put up with this. Time to say no more thanks. Any more letters, straight in the bin.

[quote FantasticButtocks]@DumbestBlonde

NO reply - even though I wasted half the night of Day One trying to compose one - and feeling as thoughI was going crazy,

Not a waste. In fact a very good cathartic exercise would be to write whatever you'd really like to say knowing you won't be sending it.

Just get it out of you. Do not send him a word though. Ever. It's almost a sport to him, so don't play. You'll get hurt. [/quote]
You are right, it IS cathartic in a sense. But it is also like Groundhog Day - over and over, the same old same old - is it(I got this from the Stately Home thread....) JADE? - but less of the 'A', as of course arguing is not allowed and now the heck can you argue by letters - and letters that are sent when he wants and either fake-not-received when sent to him, or ignored because he feels like it...... (which it feels as though I am doing now though....) when I have agonised and torn myself apart trying to say/write the right thing...... I simply do not have it in me.

And in ( abig) part, having this thread and all of you has helped me to feel strong enough to take that course of action

I am going to maintain - even though it would be so so tempting to send him something that actually tells him that I think his behaviour is actually Abusive - my plan to have the Father's Day card be my last thing to have sent. I don't wish a guilty feeling on him, and he probably is not capable, but he might just realise that I am not the person he accuses me of being. In a sense, it could not have worked out "better".

Do you know what? Answer him honestly. Just for you.

Something like
' Thanks for the letter. As always I read it wondering how you can think that's an acceptable way to speak to someone, and whether there is any connection to reality in what you say- certainly it makes no sense. I'm actually happy not to talk to you or receive letters from you. Over the years, your spite and self absorption have killed any desire I had for your approval or interest. I sent the card to reassure you that I think of you, despite everything, and as you have previously complained none of your children care about you.
The most recent letter has reassured me I have no need to worry about you, elderly and distanced from your children as you are, and that you are perfectly happy and comfortable in your own, unique way.'

Then walk away and burn anything that he ever sends again. Or get a trusted friend to open it and reassure you it's not significant family news you need, then burn it for you!

@Cravey

Bin it. He's a narcissist who has typed the whole thing designed in a way to hurt you. There's not a nice thing in there. It's all about trying to make you feel guilty. I'm so sorry you've had to put up with this. Time to say no more thanks. Any more letters, straight in the bin.

That's what is so upsetting - about him as a person; this need that he must have to do this. To - in some time carved out of his busy busy life - to feel some need to write this - to edit (I imagine) and re-read - to save to file and then re-open, re-read, print, sign (without Patti's input but to put her name to it.....) and then to go the Post Ofice and purchase a (oh, the cost!) stamp - and send it on it's way to me, taking about 10 days to get to here - to me.

Someone who's current situation he has NO CLUE about. Not to be overly dramatic - but I could (and couldn't any of us) be ill, or have been struck down with CoVid or had someone close to me be ill or die. He is so out of the loop with me - of his own doing and CHOICE, and forcing that "estrangement ON me - that he could be writing to a dead person. I do not know who the Hell in their right mind does something like that. Pretty much, as I have said, and I know a PP has, as though I do not exist as a human being in his thoughts - just someone who comes alive at his command.

This is how he has treated me the whole of my life - and I have allowed it, like a dog in the barn being yanked on a chain. Because it was all I could get or hope for. Why did he expect me to turn out normal?

"Why did he expect me to turn out normal?"

But you are normal!

Ask yourself-how have you turned out so well given all that you have been & still are up against?

@diddl

"Why did he expect me to turn out normal?"

But you are normal!

Ask yourself-how have you turned out so well given all that you have been & still are up against?

Thank you xx Besides, what is "normal".....? But it is a word he uses as another weapon. Even by today's standards I have not had, and nor do I have, a normal existence. When I was small, it was even more unusual - and it set me on a path of inferiority and feeling of being an outsider that has influenced a lot of my decisions, and certainly some of the poorer ones. Although that is not to blame "The - duh duh duuuh - Past" for everything I have done wrong.

What "it" mainly gave me was a huge capacity to see as many sides of a situation as I could. But somewhere along the way, I lost the essence of who and what I am - and I have certainly lost any potential I may have had. as I had my focus on the wrong things - my father would have such a negative influence (yes, I allowed the power) at key important times. At age 16 (a time of a perfect storm of events), I don't know what else I would have done - and I would say that I myself ruined my life and potential at that point.

I have (had) a certain amount of some sort of nintelligence that has help me cope. But I have certainly not succeeded in life at all
So if I give an appearance of having turned out well, I am pleased that it seem that way

I hope you are able to access counselling to support you with all of this. Please bin all future letters without opening and let that Father’s Day card be the perfect final correspondence you ever have with such a vile man.

OP. You were meant to be born, as much anyone was!

He sounds dreadful. Even if he does find it hard talking to you, there are much nicer ways of drawing you out and getting to know you. He sounds like he thinks everything is 'his way or the highway'.

How do you feel about continuing contact with him? If you want to, in some way, perhaps you can write back saying that you want contact and just asking some stuff about your life, and asking about his. Perhaps you will never get the emotional 'closure' you want from him - it doesn't sound like it. But if you don't want anything and feel this is beyond repair, then personally I would let my silence do the talking. Sorry he is being so harsh and unfair.

@GrettaGreen

What a cheek pontificating about normal social skills whilst sending a letter like that!

Ha! Indeed.

I think I would send a reply with those words only!

You may have various disappointments and frustrations about how you have turned out. You have however done exceptionally well for someone descended from him! You have self awareness, empathy, and a whole load of other qualities he isn't even able to dream of because of his own limitations.

I'm sure you have regrets, you will have done things or not done things with serious consequences. You were given a botched hand of cards, and despite everything have attempted to build bridges and maintain relationships with people who frankly have no call on you at all. That takes significant strength of character.

Stop seeing your abilities as weaknesses- yes you haven't focussed on developing yourself, your own interests, in the way most people take for granted. You can do that now though. You can make it your next project, while still recognising your background has given you certain skills (hyper vigilance and an alertness to all perspectives) that can be useful.

@RAOK

I hope you are able to access counselling to support you with all of this. Please bin all future letters without opening and let that Father’s Day card be the perfect final correspondence you ever have with such a vile man.

Well, I luckily got some Counselling in 2019 but it was with ED charity (18 sessions). Guess what became the major topic of discussion from the start, and almost all the way through.

Still have the ED - and stuck in the Daddy-issues loop still as well.
I could (not) easily and (not) happily have accepted the person he is (and always has been) but he won't let me do that, and he most certainly will not accept who I am.
(My appearance has ALWAY been very important as far as he is concerned, and he does not accept that I am getting older - and that every moment of the stress he has subjected me to, is now showing..... and was even back at the last luunch we had in 2016; he would be horrified now )

I am definitely leaning towards the card being the last communication, even though that was of course not the intention when sent