To feel as though this is the last straw

[DumbestBlonde]

I have attached a copy of the letter I received yesterday (it comes from Canada, and not to my home, so took a while).... It will have crossed in the air with the Father's Day card I sent, with a small message.
Full disclosure (mentioned elsewhere, but I don't expect anyone to search, or remember), this gentleman was not a father in any real sense; he fought for custody to control my mother, and then put me with his parents (I was 2.5), with no further legal actions. (I dod not see my mother again until I was 16.)
Lots of history, but I never lived with him - he has been married to third wife for 50 years this year. They have two sons who are now in their 40s and have various children (both have also been divorced).
I have tried to turn to him for help several times - but not recently. He is a very rich man. I have also very rarely asked him for some career input, or moral support. Drawn a blank there too.

I have not tried to speak to him on the phone since July 2019; I have not written to him, or replied (told not to, on both counts) to letters from him - usually of this nature, have been worse - since, I think, 2014 - and that was actually an email in which he called me "holier-than-thou", and told me to Get A Life. I will not conduct our relationship via email, and he knows that.

This has come out of the blue - and I am at a complete loss. In the past, I have spent hours - days even, trying to compose a suitable reply. To the detriment of every other aspect of my life (also posted elsehwere). When I read stuff like this, I just cannot see the point in going on.
Can someone please give me an opinion, or two; or more? I feel that whichever way I turn, I am being unreasonable. Is the only way, Out?
xx

(If i am not allowed to do this, someone please tell me....)

The worst of it is that my silence is seen as defeat and acceptance of his opinion of me
Other people always think what they want. Sometimes it's nonsense. You can do nothing about that.

This man seems to be suffering from some sort of mental illness or personality disorder. He probably believes all kinds of things that are simply not true.

The fact that you are worrying about it shows that you have normal human feelings, but in the long term that worrying is a waste of your energy.

Maybe send him a postcard - "Thanks for your letter! Hope you and XXX are doing well. The weather here has been great, we are off to the beach. Have a lovely summer." - rip up any future letters and send a similar reply.

Ceremonially burn his letter and never contact him again. Make it a proper ceremony - write your own vow about freedom and release, pour a libation, whatever works for you.

There's nothing left to hope for in contact with him. He'll never be able to give you what a father should.

Oh my lovely just ignore it and book yourself some counselling. It's better not to waste your life and emotional energy dealing with him and even thinking about him. You're never going to get what you want from him.

@FantasticButtocks

I'm so sorry you wasted a stamp on sending this nasty fuckwit a Father's Day card.

While in the meantime, he was composing this for you, and for what reason?
Just to put you down. Just to tell you off. Just to let you know how hard done by he is, just to insult your mother? There is no love here. In fact there is only hateful spite.

But I'm even more sorry that you have been (and are) wasting your emotional and mental energy on him.

He isn't worth it, and you will NEVER get any satisfaction by communicating with him.

You may be about to spend waste days thinking about him, agonising about how/whether to respond to his badly written, narcissistic ramblings.
I completely understand that. Even agonising about what he will think if you don't reply or acknowledge.

It doesn't actually matter what he thinks. His thoughts are disordered nonsense anyway, he will think whatever he thinks. His opinion is not worth the paper it's written on.

He really is not worth your valuable time, your thoughts, your careful considerations, your cards, your energy, or your sanity.

HE IS NOT WORTH IT.

He is a poor excuse for a father.
He always was.
He always will be.

I wouldn't have anything to do with him ever again.

So sorry

And actually, I'd just like to add one more thing.

For posterity
If you let this be the last communication between you, then his last letter (that you actually have read) will be this load of unpleasant self-indulgent wanky nonsense he has sent to his own daughter.

And your last 'letter' to him was a perfectly nice Father's Day card.

Draws a line under things perfectly, and shows who each of you really are.

Any response from you would feed his need for narcissistic supply.

If in the future he can say to Patti or anyone else who he deludes himself will be interested:
"I don't understand, the last time I ever heard from her was a Father's Day card. No response to my letter..,not a word."

Those documents will speak for themselves.

Absent parents are difficult to deal with. So much emotional baggage involved.

I would say this man is not, never has been, capable of giving you what you want from him - unconditional love, or even a healthy adult relationship of mutual respect and interest. He can't be who you want him to be - he doesn't sound very nice at all.

Imagine the advice you would give to a dear friend, and give that advice to yourself.

You have tried OP, that's the best you can do. Try to gently set this down now and find other people who genuinely love, like and cherish you.

'Friends are the family we choose' has always been my motto, having had a few dysfunctional relations.

Trying to keep in touch 'on his terms' is just doing you damage and taking up your head space.

Life is precious.

You deserve so much more than he has to give.

When my dp is trying to get a rise out of me a simple ' ok' always pushes his buttons.

So id laboriously write ok on a piece of paper. Or even better I agree. Then post it back to the silly twat.

My FIL is like this. My husband has tried various approaches but no contact is the one that protects him the most from the emotional bile that FIL spills forth periodically (Christmas, Easter, birthdays). I'm expecting another rant this father's day.

Sadly it looks like there is nothing good in this relationship for you. Blood is thicker than water is often bandied about (particularly by DH's family) but the full quote is "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" i.e. those that you go into battle with and do so with you are better relationships than those you are born into.

Counselling and no contact would be my advice. Hard to do but what do you want from the relationship and do you think you will ever get it?

I think don't reply as that takes an effort on your part & he isn't worth it.

He will think what he wants to about that & so what-don't let his opinion (whatever it may be) matter to you.

You will know that you have decided that he is worth no more effort/headspace.

And that is all that matters.

I can’t even begin to understand why you are persisting with this. It’s like you are being deliberately masochistic- do you not see that? You should get some counselling to let go. You have your own family now, you should stop contact, stop giving him head space. Just stop. STOP.

Send his letter back with FUCK YOU scrawled across it

What a nasty letter

My exh sent me a letter after I left him that also used the words ‘ho him’

Must be the sign of a dick right there

No wonder your parents got divorced. Your poor mother. Do you think there were valid reasons why she didn’t get custody of you? If not she must have been heartbroken. I hope you have a good relationship with her now. If so have you considered talking to her about him? It might help you learn more about him and help you decide what to do. I would consider doing a once-a-year update with news and a few photos and see how he reciprocates. Accept the relationship will be at arms length. Warn him If he continues to have a dig at you and your mother in correspondence then you don’t feel you can continue to maintain contact and see how he responds.

Hello,

Thank you so much for your letter, they always fill me wish such joy.

You will be pleased to know that my life is fantastic and it is about to get so much better, as I have decided to remove all negativity from my life.

I wish you health and happiness, please do not contact me again.

Much love

DB

Wow. I'm so sorry OP.

What I'd want to do vs what would actually be helpful are very different!!

I would perhaps be tempted to reply with a very short letter along the lines of:

Dear Dad

Thank you for your recent correspondence. It is clear from how you have written that there is much hurt and anger towards myself and my mother and you are unable to move forward in a positive way regarding communication with me.

As I'm sure you can imagine your words have cased deep upset and I don't think further letters of this nature will be beneficial to our relationship.

In the future should you feel able to share with me current details of your life in Canada I would love to hear about it.

In the meantime I wish you all the best with your healing.

KR

Dumbest blonde

I really feel for you - I have my very own arsehole father so I can sympathise completely with how you feel. It makes you feel like that and takes over your thoughts which is not good. I received a letter from my father's wife (they married but haven't officially told me mainly because the wife was my Mums best friend who he cheated with) with a copy of my Dad's Will. She wanted me to see for myself that I had been written out of it - my Dad added a whole lot of qualifying info to the Will itself telling me what a bad daughter I am, how I've poisoned his grandchildren against him and how my actions have caused this. It also says he filed for divorce after nearly 30 years of marriage to my DM because he wasn't getting sex anymore. My letter was vile. Your letter is vile - if a friend of yours had received it what would you tell them to do? My fathers wife said that she's sent the copy of the will to give me the opportunity of doing better. My 'doing better' is to have no contact with him at all, and I think you should do the same. My feelings about my situation are still there but they're not at the front of my brain anymore which I find is getting easier with time.

SurferRona unfortunately, it isn't as simple as 'just stopping'. As OP says, a father like this casts a long shadow over your life.

Even if OP never contacts her father again, the pain he has caused her and the absence of a decent fatherly relationship will always be with her.

It's a bit like telling someone who has had a leg amputation to 'stop thinking about it' - you can't, it's always there.

OP isn't being 'deliberately masochistic' at all. She's simply carrying all the pain and guilt that her father is too weak and self-absorbed to do himself.

OP, your situation has many resonances with my own. I have had lots of therapy to process the pain and grief. It's still there very much so, but gets in the way of me living my life less than it used to. It does sometimes still feel overwhelming though.

Have you had any counselling or therapy? I notice in your OP that you say that you feel like you can't go on. Please keep writing her or talking to friends or someone, anyone, about how you're feeling. How awful you feel at the moment will pass.

Look after yourself. I'm glad that you felt able to post.

I suppose you could write back and say that your opinion of him has never been lower, he is not and never has been a proper father to you, you will not contact him again, and any further communications from him will be destroyed on receipt.

Either that or use just two words, the second being 'off'.

Or you could ignore him completely and burn the letter.

What a dickhead. So sorry OP.

Whatever you do - reply / not reply - he will twist it to suit his own narrative.

For your own sanity, I would just not waste any more of your energy on him, it sounds like a toxic relationship from the very start. The fact that you are asking for advice on this shows YOU CARE. Unfortunately your dad's letter also shows he has not 1 iota of emotional intelligence.

@FantasticButtocks put it so well - his last letter to you was self absorbed & nasty. Your last communication was a father's day card.

Wow what a nasty , manipulative, abusive, narcissist. Full of criticism and blame and self pity. (The totally unnecessary, throw away insult directed at your mother, and the constant digs at your character say it all about the abusive man he really is). So so sorry OP . I can’t imagine what it must be like to have a man like that as a “father”. Go no contact. Move on. Do your own healing. You will never get anything but pain and hurt and disappointment from trying to engage with him.

It’s a short story, not a letter. My guess (and I don’t know you, or him, or the history here) is that he’s hoping for a short story back.

Charitably, it might be that that is how he relates to the world - that this is the closest he gets to human contact. Uncharitably, he’s trying to make you into a character rather than a person. Possibly both are true - Ross Greene has a line about children doing well if they can, which applies to adults too.

I suppose you could write back inventing your own character?

Or you could ask him if he’s been reading Elizabeth Bishop - there are echoes of this poem: voetica.com/voetica.php?collection=1&poet=13&poem=4340

No words!

Some people will project a version of you onto you. No matter how hard you try they will never see you. So stop trying to change that.

Just don’t reply and see what happens. If you don’t miss interacting with him after 6 months, a year, two then you have your answer. But only get in touch if you want to.

You have this man as your father, you can grieve for the father you needed but never had. You can feel sad that this is who you got. Once you accept it though you might just find it’s very easy to let go.

That’s one of the most vile things I’ve ever read. That person doesn’t have human empathy, has no self awareness of the consequences of his actions and no idea of the pain he has caused to his child and who still feels pain today. I found it upsetting and am a complete stranger. It sounds as if the best course would be just not to contact him about this or any other matter and try to live your life with people who love you. He’s a writer, you say? Shame he can’t be publicly humiliated.

OP I agree you most definitely CAN miss what you never had.
Many of those of us with missing parents would agree (and shows like Long Lost Family work on this premise).

What is worse than 'missing' though, worse even than alive but disinterested, is Intermittent Validation - which is what he offers.

There are plenty of 'hooks' in this letter to you. He carefully explains how, if you just did it the correct way, you could have this cosy email relationship, sharing news, sharing your lives (albeit long distance).
But it's not true. It doesnt matter what you do, it will never be 'right' for him. It's pretty easy to see that from his fractured relationships with others - it's not ALL of you, it's him!!

I know a person like this. Not my Father but in a Father role. He recently sent me a 3 page letter explaining his sleep patterns and how 'contact with me' was not convenient re any of them. (unless he wants to talk, in which case he has been known to call 17 times in a day!) I'd just let him know that I was having a lumpectomy: go figure!
I won't contact him again - I am worth more than that I now see.

Sorry to digress slightly - what I want to say is that - of course - part of you may still long for a decent Father. He can never be that. Not even remotely adequate. Dont' waste your time and energy replying. Bin it.
The last contact from you will be a nice card. Hold you head up high!
His last contact you will ever choose to open was a narcissistic whine. From now on, I'd return mail: 'not known at this address'.

DumbestBlonde, I've read your other thread/s and so have a sense of the backstory for you. It is so sad that the adults in your life let you down so very badly. It's hard to accept but children do not always get the parents they so deserve.

Complete no contact is the only way to go here. These sorts of letters are bombs that go off in your life, traumatising you all over again, and although you can't stop him periodically sending them, total NC will maybe reduce the likelihood. And do destroy any that arrive immediately, unread - leaving them sitting around is like keeping a hand grenade in the cupboard.

The worst of it is that my silence is seen as defeat and acceptance of his opinion of me. How do you know this? Why is silence = defeat? Actually this letter out of the blue indicates it is him that wants to maintain the contact in order to keep you dancing to his tune. Your silence REALLY bugs him because he (rightly) sees it as your judgement of him.

People suggesting you write to him explaining how you feel, send back the letters or to keep light contact with occasional emails or postcards etc have no idea how bad an idea this is. It just adds fuel to the fire for him and will simply encourage further contact. They are assuming he is a normal human being who will respond normally, will have some lightbulb moment where he realises he's been a terrible parent and once he does will change and treat you better. You know he's not and he won't. Even telling him to fuck off and why feeds him - you become the rude aggressive one who is in the wrong and he is the aggrieved victim of an ungrateful daughter.

(Also @monsterpage It is a bad idea to suggest people share these very personal threads with their abuser. People like the OP's father are not normal. It won't make them reconsider or feel bad, they WANT to know how much they have hurt the person.)

Re the Father Days card - I just wanted to let him know I think about him. And that's exactly how he wants it, you thinking about him, agonising about what to say, feeling you did something wrong. Something sucked you back in to feeling that way and sending the card - think about what it was that set you off so you can find ways to resist that urge in future.

inverse Narcissism; I can only see myself how others "see" me..... I don't actually exist otherwise. I know you said counselling hasn't helped but it is this feeling that needs addressing. I thinks it's common for those of us with dysfunctional childhoods to see ourselves as only what we have been told we are, or have a sense of disconnect with our inner selves.

You are NOT just the reflection of how others see you, a chameleon changing as those around you rotate in and out of your view. You know you have made a good life for yourself - somehow you need to find ways to validate who you are as a person in your own right . Everything you post shows you as someone much nicer and kinder than him or you mother, self-reflective and aware, with good values and the capacity to feel and give love to you children and friends.

Please keep trying to see yourself as a fully complete individual, who achieved that in spite of the parents and other family members who failed you.