To feel as though this is the last straw

[DumbestBlonde]

I have attached a copy of the letter I received yesterday (it comes from Canada, and not to my home, so took a while).... It will have crossed in the air with the Father's Day card I sent, with a small message.
Full disclosure (mentioned elsewhere, but I don't expect anyone to search, or remember), this gentleman was not a father in any real sense; he fought for custody to control my mother, and then put me with his parents (I was 2.5), with no further legal actions. (I dod not see my mother again until I was 16.)
Lots of history, but I never lived with him - he has been married to third wife for 50 years this year. They have two sons who are now in their 40s and have various children (both have also been divorced).
I have tried to turn to him for help several times - but not recently. He is a very rich man. I have also very rarely asked him for some career input, or moral support. Drawn a blank there too.

I have not tried to speak to him on the phone since July 2019; I have not written to him, or replied (told not to, on both counts) to letters from him - usually of this nature, have been worse - since, I think, 2014 - and that was actually an email in which he called me "holier-than-thou", and told me to Get A Life. I will not conduct our relationship via email, and he knows that.

This has come out of the blue - and I am at a complete loss. In the past, I have spent hours - days even, trying to compose a suitable reply. To the detriment of every other aspect of my life (also posted elsehwere). When I read stuff like this, I just cannot see the point in going on.
Can someone please give me an opinion, or two; or more? I feel that whichever way I turn, I am being unreasonable. Is the only way, Out?
xx

(If i am not allowed to do this, someone please tell me....)

OP only you can take your life back by doing what people on here have suggested numerous times. You need to rationalise it, form new thought patterns and not stay in the same groove of saying to yourself he's pulling my chain but I'm still going to let him. If you can get counselling to help with coping strategies while you're moving into that new empowered space go for it. Otherwise you'll be back in a year's time having used up another year of your life a prisoner to his abuse.

@daisychain01

OP only you can take your life back by doing what people on here have suggested numerous times. You need to rationalise it, form new thought patterns and not stay in the same groove of saying to yourself he's pulling my chain but I'm still going to let him. If you can get counselling to help with coping strategies while you're moving into that new empowered space go for it. Otherwise you'll be back in a year's time having used up another year of your life a prisoner to his abuse.

You are so right - and of course, those (your)words could have been written two years ago - and even one year ago had I opened the letter that was concealed from me. He always has the same things to say, no matter what I do (even if I have done "nothing").I hardly dare think how much of my emotional self has been affected by this kind of thing, which I would say started when I became an adult.

He has somehow inserted himself into my life when he has felt like it - but almost never in a truly caring way..... and I have either had no say in it, or actively wnated it.... Even when I have been at a more sucessful point in my life (or so I thought) - getting married, having a child, university as a mature student, two big-ish career moves - he has - in an eery conicidence - decided that I was "worth" contacting; but with his own rules and terms and conditions..... And occasionally, outright SPOILING an occasion - such as deciding, two days before, that he had to rush back home (to France) and could not give me away as he had promised......

I have been so weak, that these occasions affect me for far longer than the brief window of time in which they happen.

I was thinking today that I half-wish he would just come along and SLAP me - the pain would not last as long, and the intentions would be straighforward. These letters just mess with my head

And of course, I fully agree that I need therapy x

@MerylSqueak

I had a mother who used to send me nasty letters. I took the decision to stop opening them. It was the right decision. They were made out of anger and frustration (not really with me even) and designed to hurt. They were a painful waste of my own energy and happiness and I'm very glad I don't carry around the memory of whatever those words were.

I did get DP to glance over them in case there was any information I actually needed to know because she was alone and I'll (not the case with your father) but there never was.

In my opinion, and it's only that, any reply will fan the fire for you as well as him because there will always be comeback, even if it's only in your own mind. Perhaps a decision simply not to engage would afford you more relief and more power.

You are so right of course..... One of the reasons (among many) that I am hesitant to write beck, is that I then wait - and am fearful of - his reply. A never ending loop that , at best, goes nowhere and I am ignored, or at worst, continues in a similar vein - no matter what I do or say....
What it has felt like, on occasion - and this was in the times of an email exchange over two years - 2010 and 2011 - is a "game" of tennis but with one of those machines that just fires the balls at you; it never sends them back - and there are just a load of yellow balls at the back of the court (if you returned the machine's serve that is . He DEMANDS a response - but then ONLY replies IF he feels like it - and before you know it, I am being called a nuisance, and told to be patient, and what do I expect, and to Get A Life, and to "tell someone else". This has been when I have dutifully responded at he wanted - but he changes the rules without me knowing.

Even if, as I maintain, email is no way to conduct a personal relationship that is fragile and important - letters are not much better, becuase of the format they take. MAYBE as a means to open communcation after a long time, but then to actually SPEAK to one another is surely the way forward. It is a JOKE to try and make things work out nicely in the way he demands. When he lived at the other side of the world, he was writing to me constantly, because I was taling care of some business matters back in England for him. But after three years of him dangling the carrot, I did take (at my own expense, as a student) my daughter to visit him (them) in/close to Auckland (mentioned already). However, it was sad to realise that FOR most of three years, he had actually been lying about where he actually lived; a photo that he had sent showing the view from the upper level of his house in BRISBANE (he had said) turned out to have been from the house they had always lived in in a suburb of Auckland. Such a weird and pathetic thing to do.

More happened on that trip that damaged our realtionship - and as a result, l was persona no-grata for a few years - all he did was write to complain that he had spent about £200 on my daughter and I for Christmas, and why would I think he was interested in reading Nelson Mandela's biography (my gift to him)? I was an ungrateful liar and my "behavior was beyond the pale" - due to having become friendly with a family (my brother's girlfriend's) who had six daughters and a big plot of land "in the bush" after they looked after my daughter when the dinner booked at a fancy hotel for NYE turned out to not allow children. We were staying for a month, and he really did just expect us to sit on the sofa or the deck and be happy to be in his/their presence, and witness their lives and reminiscenses (sp?). I was not ALLOWED to help with meals or clear up - and yet he later told me that I sat on my lazy arse, did not lift a finger to help Patti, and complained that this was "My Holiday". I never said those words - but it was A holiday - and a sort-of holiday-time being Christams, although not such a big deal as beck here of course....)
I borrowed one of his cars (just a Ford - not his left hand drive BMW, brought there form France ffs) - and he went MENTAL!!!!

It would be funny - if these things were ever joked - or reminisced (that word again!) about. But all that happens is he attacks me verbally and yet does not allow comebcak or God forbid, defence. One of his favourite things to say is "beyond the pale" and "it was indefensible, and I will not discuss it with you" (e.g. the car).
He has never seen my daughter since then - and I do hope that she remembers the trip nicely, as she was only eight. But the lovely family that we got to know made it better than the "g/parents -" -sort-of - who said that she whould have come all that way and been happy with a colouring book and a skipping rope.
I am quite easy to please, but I had spent all my money on the flights and Christmas (husband stayed back in England....) and had been told we didn't need any. But then he complained at so much as a ferry tripover to Rangitoto (volcano), and of course, the letter (invoice almost) that arrived after we returned home. He also would not let me call home, and so I had to reverse-charge from a phone box to my husband - so also came home to a £150 phone bill, when from the landline would have cost about 5 cents a minute.

Ah look what I'm doing - just another long list of complaints - who do I sound like??? It really is just anecdotal, as sometimes I think it is so laughable,you couldn't make it up

A few years later, there was another trip.... but I cannot start whining on about that one as well
xx

"Oh, I wouldn't dare...... I am not even allowed to say something "pies me off". He would be apoplectic."

Of course you're allowed to!

Nothing bad would happen.

In all honesty he couldn't treat you any worse than he already does.

@iminthegarden

He's a writer, you say? He's got no grasp of letter writing. Terrible vocab and to call your mother a slag and think that's ok? Wow!

I have never managed to read any of his books (not my favoured genre) - but he did ask me one time to read a manuscript that was not getting picked up.... I was hesitant, but he told me he would greatly appreciate it and it would do no harm

Oh, you can imagine the damage my gentle critique did to our - then only recently renewed - relationship. I sent a 1-2 or 3 page email/attachment (as demanded) - and got over 8 pages of disagreements back! And a personal attack on my intelligence.

He has apparently "always" written. When he and my mother were freshly married and I had been born (very soon after the wedding, it must be said, and I know that) - he was trying to write, and this crying baby annoyed him - so he came to the cot and battered it to shut it up. I don't remember of course - and sometimes my mother took the blows.

There is another letter buried in this thread (if you have not seen it) in which he explains even more about (what he thinks) her

It is only since she knew (some of) what he said, that she told me how he would beat me when I was new. I also have burn marks on my neck, so she was not so innocent...... He also nearly killed his second wife, hoping she would miscarry. (She didn't.)

He can do and say what he wants - he is a god in his own mind.

@diddl

"Oh, I wouldn't dare...... I am not even allowed to say something "pies me off". He would be apoplectic."

Of course you're allowed to!

Nothing bad would happen.

In all honesty he couldn't treat you any worse than he already does.

Ah - but....... The Will

Aw - I'm so sorry. How on Earth do they do it??
But then, how do WE overcome it xx
Big hugs to you

@user1471538283

So the point of writing is to upset you. My DM used to do that. I would tell him flatly not to contact you again.

I know it's so hard. All I ever wanted (until I didnt) was a mother or my mother to love me. Then one day I just hated her. I still hate her and shes been dead for years.

You will get there.

I think it gives him some kind of satisfaction, And yet I know he would never speak like this to my face.....

Apart from one time I remember - at what I call a Lunch at the Last Minute (i.e. the last day before he flies off home, or on to another part of his Grand Tour - the glamorous figure that he is.....), we were sitting in a country pub near the house he was staying, despite my invitation to my own house, where I had hoped to extend and return hospitaility. The lunch was just me and him, until ChattyPatti turned up and told him they were "late for" (wait for it) their WALK (!) - as though the pavements were closing or something (it was 2pm on a Sunday), and I was dismissed
Anyway - during this fairly pleasant lunch (and yes, it was 2004, but I have only seen him twice since then) - he sat back, and calmly said to me - "You just want a Father - it doesn't have to be me".
(Oh God, how I do WISH there had been another one!)

I do not know HOWI don't hate that man. So I actually DO admire (but feel much sympathy for) you for being able to hate your mother, as I have no doubt that that hatred has not come out of nowhere.

But - oh, how nice would it have been to have a parent that you could love xx

@DumbestBlonde

And one who loved you. That would have been a whole different life for you.

So, are you actually wanting to inherit anything from him? Because if so, then he keeps his power and can wield it whenever he likes.

Wouldn't it stick in your craw to get money from him? Especially as you hadn't had what you actually needed, his love?

His letters to you are actually beyond the pale of beyond the pale.

I'm so sorry you are so deeply wounded by them both, and also sad that he assaulted you from the very beginning, even when you were a little baby. He is still doing it now, attacking you at every opportunity.

It sounds as if you have resigned yourself to a lifetime of this, and I'm so sad for you if you have.

Do you feel you won't be able to let go of the chain he yanks whenever he pleases?

How bad could life be without him, and without his money? Compared to how bad life has been for you with him and his intense cruelty and abuse in it?

He called your mum a slag?! I can't get over that. If he's a famous writer I better not have bought any of his books.

Op please forget (try) this waste of oxygen. 💐

[quote FantasticButtocks]@DumbestBlonde

And one who loved you. That would have been a whole different life for you.

So, are you actually wanting to inherit anything from him? Because if so, then he keeps his power and can wield it whenever he likes.

Wouldn't it stick in your craw to get money from him? Especially as you hadn't had what you actually needed, his love?

His letters to you are actually beyond the pale of beyond the pale.

I'm so sorry you are so deeply wounded by them both, and also sad that he assaulted you from the very beginning, even when you were a little baby. He is still doing it now, attacking you at every opportunity.

It sounds as if you have resigned yourself to a lifetime of this, and I'm so sad for you if you have.

Do you feel you won't be able to let go of the chain he yanks whenever he pleases?

How bad could life be without him, and without his money? Compared to how bad life has been for you with him and his intense cruelty and abuse in it?

[/quote]
Ah Buttocks.... I am not really resigned to it for fear of losing an inheritance. I do NOT believe that (even if the law states it should) I will be a beneficiary at all. He is using the ultimate carrot-and-stick (which he started in a letter in 2010), and has proved that in the legtter in which he makes the "threat" to change his will. (2019, edited version.)
I believe that - or that his original promise was bullshit anyway

What I have done is take on board part of the Serenity Prayer - I am strying see the difference between knowing what I can and can't change, and the wisdom (ha ha) to do that. And as I can't help but keep repeating, this thread and everyone on it, and of course you, is and are helping me to do that.
I certainly cannot change him - never could have, no matter what I di or didn't do. I can only change my way of thinking, and what I believe in
I have never had a bean from him, and he is very very keen to remind me that "no-one ever helped" him - and I should never ever think or have thought of asking him. Meantime I have "watched" as he has made life very easy and comfortable for his two sons. At least in a material aspect, but they both have failed marriages and I do think that the older of them - despite his professional success - has (told me himself) some mental struggles. However, some of my sympathy diminishes when I hear them complain about having been made to grow up in 1) The South of France, and 2) New Zealand. These are honestly their complaints. But i do think that actually HAVING him as a Father would not actually have been easy.

And this is where some of the problems lie - our lives are and have been - separated by a gulf of experiences. I once tried to explain it to my Father using an IT analogy; that when a new version operating system comes out, the old one cannot really keep up with it, BUT the new one can generally understand it's preceding version. So I may be wrong, but I do feel that they can try to have a bit more understanding because I DID have it harder, and I HAVE failed terribly in every aspect of life. But to them, that is acrtually IMPOSSIBLE to understand and, of course, I must have brought it all on myself Therefore my convoluted theory just falls on deaf ears.

My Father's far simple analogy, is that he is Jupiter and I am Pluto.

To put it simply, my Father hated his parents, and the life they gave him - but put me there to live with them - when I would have been better off (possibly?) being adopted.

And I can only say that I would not have wanted to stay with my mother, with the benefit of hindsight. Who knows - maybe I would have been OK, at least to have stayed with my sister. But my mother did not feel much love towards me either (when I did visit - which did not go on for long - I was put in the attic for some reason/being naughty, and sent home in a taxi by myself as a three/four year old), and I think she did not treat my sister kindly, especially when another daughter came along...... (a WHOLE other story in this sorry saga).

In effect, my life has actually BEEN without him, by and large. As a human being - and a very damaged one at that (although not immediately apparent) - I do forgive myself for thinking - hopefully, optimistically, "this letter, this time, can NOT be as bad...can it?" - and yet.... Here I am.
Basically, if it's a letter, it will follow the same old theme. An emergency cannot be an emergency - the only thing I SHOULD react and respond to - if it is made known by mail that takes up to a week to arrive.

Please excuse my constant ramblings - there just seems such a lot to try and explain, and I know I sound a bit unhinged sometimes. But I do so so appreciate the (your) interest, advice, support and the kindness that I have been lucky enough to receive on here xxx

@FourteenthDoctor

He called your mum a slag?! I can't get over that. If he's a famous writer I better not have bought any of his books.

Op please forget (try) this waste of oxygen. 💐

That may be what he felt - or believed - at the time, when they were 18-22 years old..... What I really struggle with, is his need to repeat it - 1) to Me, and 2) At this point in his life (78 next month I think) , and by his own description, having a great life thankyouverymuch

I have no CLUE what he wanst to accomplish with what he says to me....

If you have not seen the second letter I added to the thread, he says far worse about her in that one, things I find hard to actually read...
I never responded to that letter, so I am not sure if he thinks he needs to repeat himself in the way he does I have not told my mother that he wrote things, and I never would.

Oh, he is not famous at all (only in his own mind). He uses one or more pen names. I could direct you to the blantant EL James rip off..... if you like that sort of thing The others - under a different name - are all thriller-types. I am sure they must appeal to somebody; I cannot get past the first page.

One of them did feature a main character with MY name - probably what he WISHED I had turned out like. (Me too )

Dr ramini on YouTube had a channel dedicated to narcissists

Watch it

It helped us through the healing process and changed our lives

X

@Marshasthorn

Dr ramini on YouTube had a channel dedicated to narcissists

Watch it

It helped us through the healing process and changed our lives

X

Thank you yes, I have watched quite a few of her you tube videos, but I need to watch more I think due to how ingrained my negative and incorrect beliefs are.

x

I've been NC with my dad (who honestly could be your dad's long lost twin given their shared writing style!) for nearly 11 years.

As well as all the sensible things other PPs have said, I would add one to that had helped me. I think about my sister, who had much more patience and time for our father than I did.

He treated her appallingly, and I found it so much easier to make the break on her behalf. To stop giving a fuck about him because, whatever I thought of myself and however tempted I was to believe his assessment of me, I knew my sister was lovely and he was still being a total shit to her.

It made me realise that it didn't matter what I said or did - he was going to fuck over everyone close to him. His list of my shortcomings and past poor behaviour was joined by an almost equal but opposite list of grudges against my sister - there's no way to win except total capitulation.

She never tried to hold him to account for being a dick when we were kids, she wasn't an ungrateful teen, she didn't do any of the things he found so objectionable in me, and he STILL came at her with long lists of accusations and demands.

So, in the hope that it gives you some peace, please stay firm in your resolve to go NC even if you justify it in your mind as doing it to show solidarity with one of the many other people this bellend has left in his wake.

You wouldn't give a tacit approval of his behaviour if he was a colleague or friend treating your family like this - don't let his cruelty towards you blind you to the fact that he's wrong about everything he's said about everyone else AS WELL!

Also, as an aside, I literally cannot believe that he highlighted that section about expecting his children to contact him in the aftermath of the divorce!! I assumed that you (or someone else) had sarkily highlighted it to demonstrate his utterly unfathomable approach to maintaining a relationship with his children!

My father also did a good line in treating his kids as though we bore equal responsibility for maintaining contact. Bizarrely, it didn't occur to him to call us because he loved us and wanted to speak to us - instead he monitored who had called whom last and would complain if he felt we 'owed' him a call as though a 12 year old is an equal partner in maintaining contact with their absent parent!! I'm only mentioning this because I'm surprised/disappointed to discover that there is someone else out there, banging on about crap like this as though any of it would matter if they had ever been a proper dad.

I almost hope your dad and my dad meet. They would hate each other so much they might spontaneously combust, and honestly, that might be for the best...!

Oh dear. What an unpleasant man. I'd not reply. I'd return to sender , unknown at this address. You do not need this vile bully in your life in any way at all.

Write WHY DONT YOU FUCK OFF? across it in black marker pen, wipe your nose on it, and post it back.

What a hideous toad he is. I hope you find some way to heal from your relationship with him. You can refer yourself for counselling through IAPT.

It doesn't matter what you do, he will never change. He'll never give a shit about you. The time for reconciliation has long passed.
Who cares what this massive arsehole thinks? What's he going to do? Why do you care what he thinks of your lack of reply?
He's an old man, he's bitter and nasty. He did you a favour by going abroad.
Stop opening his letters, stop keeping them in a hallowed place like they are important.
He doesn't know what love is.
Cut him off and stop allowing him to get to you.
Seriously get some help for yourself and close the door firmly.
Talk to your brother who went NC and find out how he made his peace with it.
You don't deserve the way he has treated you but you need to face it, he's never going to be the man you wish he was.
Accept it, grieve and move on.
It's liberating.
All the best op

@DysmalRadius
Well, my father seems to think that he is very special and unique - but your father's tactics prove that he is most definitely not unique at all!

Wow - and whew - what an absolute beast your father is/was; and I especially loathe people who create divisions by using the old divide and rule method - especially a parent!

I have been thnking while out driving today; about dignity in this situation. He has always tried to rob me of mine - from the days when he read what he thought was my diary, over my shoulder, as we sat on the beach one year when I was about 15; both sneering and pearl-clutching at my adolescent FANTASIES. (As if any boy would have been lusting after me back then!) When he revealed what he had done - to my shame - he would not belive that my friend and I had been writing stories about the Osmonds falling in love woth us..... and he would not have known that the names Donny, Alan, Merrill were those of a toothy Mormon family..... He still could not help but try to humiliate me with exposing me.

Seriously though, there is (even though frustrating) a dignity in silence, that he can - yet again - rob me of, should I start to answer any of the questions that he demands I do. Even something as minor as whatever I might be reading would be diminished.... so I hardly going to full him in on any deeper detail of my life. It would never be good enough. And if it were to be, say, depressing or not up to his "expectations", well, it does not bear thinking about.

I do not think that he "should" have attempted to find anything out aboutt me - but the nature of the relationship - and his distance has meant that the smaler aspects of life are not absorbed by chatty calls or casual visits. It all needs to be explained - and of course, by letter.... And, then what?

So yes, I am still thinking the Father's Day card will be the last from me.

If the two of our fathers met, it would be hilarious to see what would happen. Firstly, I am sure thay both think that they are the only one of their kind - and secondly, might it be possible that they would have their undesirable traits cast into the spotlight for what they really are. I do think that there would be some kind of extinction-level event if they came face to face

And oh yes, the highlighter . Bad enough to write the first letter. Then to re-send with the additions (no discussion in between, just my saying that I wanted to talk about it.....) but to highlight - well, any, of it. And the things that he DID highlight. I remain shocked when I re-read it. And - much as with this recent letter - I just cannot fathom what he actually expects me to do. (Yes, even though he has given it to me "straight".)

I was very nterested to hear your story - does sit make it "easier" - despite the division that he tried to create - that you had a sister who went through (a version of ) it too?
(My sister and I each experienced one parent - although she was with mother full-time, and I saw my father once in a while - and this too created an awful divide that will - I have now semi-accepted - never be bridged.)

x

Thank you so much

What do you intend to do.
You’ve been given lots of suggestions but what do you want to do .

You do need to have some words with your mother as well.
It’s an awful situation and now you have to decide on what’s best for you and your well being.
Take care

Hi @DumbestBlonde… the way you have described yourself as having “inverse narcissism” makes me suspect that you actually probably have C-PTSD. I have a attached a link below that has the symptoms clearly explained. If you think this fits, you might find it easier to get the help you need to deal with this shit of a man and his narcissistic word salad. C-PTSD is not very well-known or understood, but very often the result of a childhood like yours. (And mine - Much empathy… 💐)

He doesn't have much in the way of self-awareness, does he!

@Clydesider

He doesn't have much in the way of self-awareness, does he!

Such a lot of it is projection of his own flaws, onto me...... But then I believe it

[quote Justilou1]Hi @DumbestBlonde… the way you have described yourself as having “inverse narcissism” makes me suspect that you actually probably have C-PTSD. I have a attached a link below that has the symptoms clearly explained. If you think this fits, you might find it easier to get the help you need to deal with this shit of a man and his narcissistic word salad. C-PTSD is not very well-known or understood, but very often the result of a childhood like yours. (And mine - Much empathy… 💐)

[/quote] Thank you for this! (I feel a rabbit hole approaching...... but SO useful ) My extreme sympathies back to you as well. I know for sure that I am not unique in my experiences; there are many f*ed-up pranet-child relationships out there, I am very sad to see.

I have always always always believed it to be eniterly my fault - from the moment ofunitentional conception (oh, I have just remembered another remark my Father made in which he told ME that "the pregnancy was a result of him being stupid and careless") - but, as he says - he managed to put "it all" behind him and have a great llife
Recently I binge-watched Bates Motel - portraying of course, the epitome of a dysfuntional family - and when Dylan "returns" to visit Norma (and Norman of course), there is before too long an exchange that resonated so much - She tells him to "put it behind him", and he, heartbreakingly, says, "But it is me, how can I put me behind me.....?"
(I don't fully remember her reaction- although I should, but I am sure Norma snorted and flounced, and Norman looked uncomfrtable......).
Because one over-riding thing that is not allowed (for me, as for Dylan ---- and all my fellow "victims"), is discussion of - in an attemept to understand - THE PAST .

I feel sure that, for others like me, by the time we could try to see their points of view, or we could see around us relationships that were healthy and loving, or we actually beCAME distressed in a way that pre-teens and early teens demonstrate differently (tantrums, moodiness, general unhappiness - but without understanding why...), and would look for anwers at the heart of the matter. When these things happened - how many were simply Shut Down, told that it was Water under the effing Bridge blah blah blah? I know that I for one started to self-destruct at that point - and there was no-one to help ("in those days"), and those who were responsible just hand-waved it all away

I hope that you have held yourself together and progressed through life nicely..... I of course note that you are empathetic, which is absolute proof that, no matter what went before, you have turned out just lovely!

@Palaver1

What do you intend to do. You’ve been given lots of suggestions but what do you want to do .

You do need to have some words with your mother as well.
It’s an awful situation and now you have to decide on what’s best for you and your well being.
Take care

Thank you for asking [smail] - the support and advice and understanding has helped me so much!

My default reaction haas always been to attempt to write back - but in recent years, the letters were not sent. So I suppose for him it seems like Groundhog Day as well, as my previous experiences in writing (including email) to him have just led to him feeling as though he can just attack me on a whim, as though I have never tried to change and/or do what he wanted.

However, mostly due to the wise voices on here, I have paused that ingrained response. And, as I have said (and so have others on here) the Father's Day card (unless he pretends not to have receievd it) could be a sensible (if not good, or perfect) full stop to it all.

The file - Black Box of Doom - shall remain for the time being (not venerated, as someone has commented - just a file, with a jokey name), but I do plan a ceremonial burning.

My mother is another - very very long (so no, I shall not start) story. But to sum it up if I can; I don't even know where she is. She lives (I think) with my half-sister and her wife, having previously lived in a granny flat that was built onto the house my H-S got in a divorce (not always gay....) The H-S is the Golden Child (which caused difficulties for my own sister), and HER duaghter is the Golden Grandchild, despite there being several others, my own daughter, being the first one into the world.

She (my Mother) - same age as my Father - will be 78 in September, had major cancer surgery in 2013 but has survived quite OK, I believe. I was not told when she was ill (her instruction) and she did tell me that I would not be notified if the worst happened - so it might already have happened I have not seen her since 2015 when she told me that she wished I had never been born, that she wished SHE had never got in touch with me when I was 16, and that I have **ed up my entire life; she would rather have no-one visit her than spend time with me - and so on and so on...... (including that the foster parents did not want me when I was 2; I was obviously in my 50s when she imparted that gem).

I am not sure of the wisdom of seeking her out, especially coupled with the Daddy-issues that I struggle with.

There is a line from The Scret Life of Bees - Dakota Fanning I believe, who always plays such parts so well..... "No-one should be unlucky enough to have two parents who hate them....." - a film, yes I know, and it does have a lovely ending.

And of course, happens more than anyone really knows - but the line did have such poignancy for me when I saw it

But I do not feel so alone - or at the end of my tether (which I actually was), thanks to every single person on here who has taken their time to help me with this awful dilemma

xx