To feel as though this is the last straw

[DumbestBlonde]

I have attached a copy of the letter I received yesterday (it comes from Canada, and not to my home, so took a while).... It will have crossed in the air with the Father's Day card I sent, with a small message.
Full disclosure (mentioned elsewhere, but I don't expect anyone to search, or remember), this gentleman was not a father in any real sense; he fought for custody to control my mother, and then put me with his parents (I was 2.5), with no further legal actions. (I dod not see my mother again until I was 16.)
Lots of history, but I never lived with him - he has been married to third wife for 50 years this year. They have two sons who are now in their 40s and have various children (both have also been divorced).
I have tried to turn to him for help several times - but not recently. He is a very rich man. I have also very rarely asked him for some career input, or moral support. Drawn a blank there too.

I have not tried to speak to him on the phone since July 2019; I have not written to him, or replied (told not to, on both counts) to letters from him - usually of this nature, have been worse - since, I think, 2014 - and that was actually an email in which he called me "holier-than-thou", and told me to Get A Life. I will not conduct our relationship via email, and he knows that.

This has come out of the blue - and I am at a complete loss. In the past, I have spent hours - days even, trying to compose a suitable reply. To the detriment of every other aspect of my life (also posted elsehwere). When I read stuff like this, I just cannot see the point in going on.
Can someone please give me an opinion, or two; or more? I feel that whichever way I turn, I am being unreasonable. Is the only way, Out?
xx

(If i am not allowed to do this, someone please tell me....)

I don't know why, but I keep typing "smail" for smile - oops; new word
x

I read your thread with horror and I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I have no words of wisdom, you have had plenty of good advice from others. I just wanted to wish you the very best in your life whatever decision you choose. I wish you lots of luck, happiness and healing . You need to concentrate on yourself now. This pandemic has made me realise our life is very time limited so don't waste it on people who don't deserve you. All the very best.

@Permanentlygrumpy

ah - thank you...and thank you for reading it all, bless you

Thank goodness it was MN I turned to when I received the letter, rather than setting out to respond to him ...... It has helped SO much!

@Skatastic

Write WHY DONT YOU FUCK OFF? across it in black marker pen, wipe your nose on it, and post it back.

What a hideous toad he is. I hope you find some way to heal from your relationship with him. You can refer yourself for counselling through IAPT.

I posted what I thought was a reasoned and rational response further upthread but I think this is great. Do this and send it back to him with the contents of the black box of doom torn into a million pieces. Then from now on, never open another communication from him.

@Confusedandshaken

I do think the whole spectrum of potential responses has been pretty much mentioned, and I appreacite them all - so much!

I thank you for your thoughts and advice, honestly.

I am still - more each day - passes, leaning towards actually doing Nothing, and the card - which, as I have said, he would probably deny reading - say all it needs. A wee bit later (I mentioned the date I posted it inside it), and he would probably have taken it as some sort ofpassive-aggressive reaction, and anOTHER letter would have come to me - yes, it would.....

I admit, there have been times when a short message in sisde a birthday or Christmas card - of the "how are you?" variety was half-desiugned to elicit a response from him, but he never worked that way, HE directs all communication - and then tells me I don't try sigh

I do have the draft of my knee-jerk letter (already several pages, but in a large font) on my smaller laptop, saved to a USB stick, and also saved into the cloud..... That is just how I behave when he does this - every other thing in my life goes onto the back burner, until I have given myself RSI from trying to write (of course) a letter that he will tolerate.....

Well, the draft is staying as just that. He does not get to rob me of my diginty and the semi-acceptance I have uncomfortaby achieved. And instead I am engaging with people who do actually express interest and concern. Far better way to spend Father's Day - than tying myself in the same old same old bloody knots. Still sad though

xx

One thing though - I know F**k Off seems an appropriate way to draw the ultimate line. But I have always leant towwards that being used to someone who is actually getting touch a little to often, and of course (as he is) saying things that are unwelcome and possibly unkind.

So I am hesitant about that one, I must say......There is a saying that I myself might have actually made up;
"You cannot turn your back on someone who is running i the opposite direction" -

• which is generally how it has felt for most of the duration of the realationship, I am very sad to say [sad

My advice to my DD re school friendships is to spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself

First of all. This thread has helped me so much.
A similar thing happened with my Dad. I received a text message with a long list of everything I had done to hurt him and how I took an unusual delight in upsetting and hurting everyone I knew.
I did cry, I did get upset but I soon realised I couldn't change his opinion just how I reacted.
This year I sent a card and an anniversary card like I would have normally done years ago. For the first time in ages, I felt fine about it. I know he probably feels very smug but so what!
I'm starting to feel a sense of freedom I haven't had for years.

@Polly345

First of all. This thread has helped me so much. A similar thing happened with my Dad. I received a text message with a long list of everything I had done to hurt him and how I took an unusual delight in upsetting and hurting everyone I knew. I did cry, I did get upset but I soon realised I couldn't change his opinion just how I reacted. This year I sent a card and an anniversary card like I would have normally done years ago. For the first time in ages, I felt fine about it. I know he probably feels very smug but so what! I'm starting to feel a sense of freedom I haven't had for years.

Oh Polly, how awful...... I wonder sbout the mentality of people - fathers - who do things like that, I really do

And yes, 100% true - you cannot change them, no matter what hoops you may jump through or mental jiggery-pokery you try. All wrapped up in toxic and untrue accusations that they can't take back, even in the unlikely event they may (nope) want to.

If they write things like that, they 100% believe themselves to be right; Smug is their default setting

Yes, the cards are a dignified way to treat the situation you have now, even though it is just the bare minumim. Does he send cards to you??

(My Father only does so if "in the mood" - and are always late..... if sent at all.)

I am so pleased that you feel a sense of freedom - it is like a weight slowly lifting and a sense of being able to take deper breath of clean air...... That is what I would like, and what I wish for you too.

I am so so glad this thread is helping you xx

DumbestBlonde
Yes, let's hold our heads up high!
And, a text seems to be the norm now for special occasions. I've been with my partner for 20 years and he has never had a b'day card. It was hard to write the cards but I'm glad I did.
The way I think of it is this... I have closed the door to him but it's not locked.
Sending you a virtual hug and my very best wishes xx

I’m sorry what a horrible letter and man he is. If it were me I would do nothing and bin any further letters. I appreciate this may be incredibly hard as one automatically wants to get an answer back in.
However there isn’t much point it’s not like this person will change if you write a lengthy letter back. I suppose it might be good therapy to write exactly what you would like to say but not send it.
I would just let it all go is that possible? and focus on good people who are in your life. Just no contact or the bare minimum cards perhaps.

Just in case anyone is still interested..... I have writtten a letter to may Father, that remains unsent so far. This is the last paragraph (and the last letter):

I am so very sorry that I cannot be a better daughter; I can hardly say I have “tried” – because it has either been dismissed as not required, or perceived in a distorted light – and so, impossible. If by now, the letters you have written in recent years, and your desire to make communications so difficult (no, not doing anything by email….) are how you want things to be, the there is not much of anything left, is there?

"Those are not easy words for me to write – as I have always hoped – and believed – that somehow, by some means, things would get better. It seems that whether I am vocal, or silent; present, or far away, I am not someone you can manage to like – and I know that you don’t want me to love you even when I do, and I must not really hope for any fatherly love from you."

I am also adding a reuquest that he not write back.
It wil lbe the end now (given what else I have said - not t terrible, but he just will not like it).
x

I'm glad you have written the letter and I hope it gives you some sense of closure. But please, please do not send it. Save it. Have it in your armoury but please do not send it now. It just adds fuel to his flames.

Far better to let the last communication be the Fathers' day card

What alter said.

one over-riding thing that is not allowed (for me, as for Dylan ---- and all my fellow "victims"), is discussion of - in an attemept to understand - THE PAST I get it, I really do. My father was a violent and emotionally abusive man who did not like his children and did not want to be a parent to any of us. But you might as well be trying to understand the philosophy of a jelly fish. It will never make sense to you because you’re looking at it from your point of view, never understanding how a parent could treat their child like that. But his actions, and the actions of your mother, come from a person that is fundamentally fucked up. Whether that be from their own childhood experiences, or mental health issues, or just because they are one of life’s terrible people. There’s no understanding why it happened other than some people shouldn’t be trusted to look after a stick insect, let alone a child.

“You cannot turn your back on someone who is running i the opposite direction" You absolutely can. In fact, that’s the very best direction to turn in. You cannot take responsibility for his well being and self preservation but you can take responsibility for yours. And that starts by making the decision that you no longer want to deal with his old nonsense.

Just in case anyone is still interested..... I have writtten a letter to may Father, that remains unsent so far. Don’t send it. Please don’t send it. You are only prolonging the agony for yourself. There is absolutely nothing you could say or write that will strike a chord with him. He has written a character for himself and a story line for his life and he is sticking to it because your narrative doesn’t reflect well on him. All that will happen is it will trigger a response of some description and he will feel that you need to be punished for failing to fall in line with his creation of himself. Silence, absolute silence, is the only response and will say more than any letter ever will.

You are clever and witty and I’m sure a million other wonderful things that your loved ones will know about. You are all of these things without any input from him. He’s utterly exhausting and incredibly tedious. You don’t have to have that in your life anymore. You cut that final string and it’s gone. Forever. No more listening to him pontificating about what a wonderful father he is and what terrible children he’s had to deal with. No more of that ridiculous writing style (I’m not educated at all but I can identify a pompous twat when I see one). Burn the lot. Get rid of that black file. I promise you, you will feel like a weight has been lifted.

Understandable that you needed to write this letter to him. You have things to say to him as your final word.

BUT, if you actually send it, he will return it to you with his own spiteful edits and notes in the margins. Please don't give him that chance.

So sad for you

Ah - thank you, Voices of reason, of course.
So so so right...... and thank you!
I am on the very edge of doing the stupid thing that is - you're right - prolonging the whole sorry business.
Pompous! Yes indeed, he really is (but I do see a wee bit of that in myself sometimes...., most especially when I try to make myself understood I really did just want to be heard, to have him see what he has done; but I know he will not (entering Repeating Myself zone now oops, sorry.... x) So my last words WILL be those of the genuine affectionate intent in the Father's Day card.

It did help to write the letter, but helped me so much more to be talked down from the ledge here

The Black Box of Doom ---must go, I know xx
Thank you so much my lovelies

@FantasticButtocks

Understandable that you needed to write this letter to him. You have things to say to him as your final word.

BUT, if you actually send it, he will return it to you with his own spiteful edits and notes in the margins. Please don't give him that chance.

So sad for you

Oh you're so so right FB. Thank you. I guess I will manage to surpress the need to try and have him understand me; he never will anyway. And of course, as you say, a strong chance that he would return it edited to suit his version of the narrative. I am not too sure I would deal with that well..... The Card really is the best last word. It is just hard. x

@DumbestBlonde

I guess I will manage to surpress the need to try and have him understand me; he never will anyway.

We grieve for the parent we wanted. Don't suppress the need to try and have him understand you, because it's a valid need, but the hard thing is acknowledging and accepting that it will not be met. No matter what you do.

The Card really is the best last word. It is just hard.

In a way he will understand you, from the last word you sending him being just a sincere Father's Day card. And with the crossover from his spiteful letter showing you both exactly who is who.

@DumbestBlonde

Ah - thank you, Voices of reason, of course. So so so right...... and thank you! I am on the very edge of doing the stupid thing that is - you're right - prolonging the whole sorry business. Pompous! Yes indeed, he really is (but I do see a wee bit of that in myself sometimes...., most especially when I try to make myself understood I really did just want to be heard, to have him see what he has done; but I know he will not (entering Repeating Myself zone now oops, sorry.... x) So my last words WILL be those of the genuine affectionate intent in the Father's Day card.

It did help to write the letter, but helped me so much more to be talked down from the ledge here

The Black Box of Doom ---must go, I know xx
Thank you so much my lovelies

I would send it. Take back some control and get closure

I think your gut instinct is serving you well.
The card says everything about you and you should be proud.
I remember this piece of advice from a long time ago. If someone is arguing with you or being horrible - stop there, it's like a game of tennis. Don't send the ball back and the 'game' is over. No winners, but it's not about winning.
I've just started a new job. I really wanted my dad to be happy for me. All he said was 'Im pleased'. But hey ho, it is what it is.
All the best for the future xx

Your silence will speak volumes. It displays dignity, the ability to rise above unreasonable behaviour and petty slights. Michelle Obama said when they go low, you go high.
He is the kind of person who will misinterpret and twist any complex message you send. And he's looking for a response from you, he was out to hurt. Don't give him the satisfaction.
You can't change him, but you can change you. However hard it is stop looking for a father figure in him, it's not there.

I speak from the experience of having a difficult father too.

@Polly345
Yes, I agree with the tennis analogy - although I have been more inclined to see that my communications with him have been like playing "against" one of those machine, that only serves the ball to you, and just ignores the return..... In recent years though, it has been that he has been seniding these letters to me, and I have seemingly ignored them (pissing him off I know, hence more and more ) - even when they were devastating.
Now though, I am dropping, not just the ball, but the racquet and walking away like that famous tennis poster. Well, not quite
(I have to, for my sanity.)

Massive congratulations from me (stranger, I know) on your new job! Dads like these just do not have it in them to be anything other than enclosed in their own small minds- "I'm pleased" - I mean, what the *k is that as a reaction. Horrible. You will be great, I am sure

@rejectedcarrit
I am SO sorry that you have/had a difficult dad; they just do not realise or ackowledge what they do. I hope that you, unlike me, have managed to not be sucked into the black hole they create, in the crazy ay that I have. I have tried to "break free", but he sometimes subsumes everything, like the creature in The Blob.....

Thank you so much for your understanding and compassion, although I am sad that it comes from your own experiences.
Michelle Obama - not there's someone to emulate..... With the F/Day card, I guess I went "high" without even realising it -

They really are the Dignity Thieves

xx