To feel as though this is the last straw

[DumbestBlonde]

I have attached a copy of the letter I received yesterday (it comes from Canada, and not to my home, so took a while).... It will have crossed in the air with the Father's Day card I sent, with a small message.
Full disclosure (mentioned elsewhere, but I don't expect anyone to search, or remember), this gentleman was not a father in any real sense; he fought for custody to control my mother, and then put me with his parents (I was 2.5), with no further legal actions. (I dod not see my mother again until I was 16.)
Lots of history, but I never lived with him - he has been married to third wife for 50 years this year. They have two sons who are now in their 40s and have various children (both have also been divorced).
I have tried to turn to him for help several times - but not recently. He is a very rich man. I have also very rarely asked him for some career input, or moral support. Drawn a blank there too.

I have not tried to speak to him on the phone since July 2019; I have not written to him, or replied (told not to, on both counts) to letters from him - usually of this nature, have been worse - since, I think, 2014 - and that was actually an email in which he called me "holier-than-thou", and told me to Get A Life. I will not conduct our relationship via email, and he knows that.

This has come out of the blue - and I am at a complete loss. In the past, I have spent hours - days even, trying to compose a suitable reply. To the detriment of every other aspect of my life (also posted elsehwere). When I read stuff like this, I just cannot see the point in going on.
Can someone please give me an opinion, or two; or more? I feel that whichever way I turn, I am being unreasonable. Is the only way, Out?
xx

(If i am not allowed to do this, someone please tell me....)

Oh OP, I’m so sorry that you had to be on the receiving end of that. I feel like giving you a big hug, and an even bigger drink.

A friend of mine has a similar relationship with her father, though he’s found himself widowed and bored and keen to instigate a relationship from 5,000 miles away, after a lifetime of neglect and disconnection.

I hope you have some good support around you in real life.

He’s a horrible, horrible person.

@Graphista

Wow! What a bastard!

Let me guess - NOTHING is ever his fault he is always the victim?

Do yourself a huge favour and straight talk a letter to him containing only 2 words! And the second is off!

he complained that none of his children/grandchildren cared about him

Is it really any Fucking wonder?

On a more serious note - go nc (I know easier said than done), tell him so, get lots of therapy if you aren't already.

He's a nasty piece of work!

I love your turn of phrase and such emphatic advice!

One example would be my own daughetr - his first grandchild. He did not meet her until she was 8 (he said I planned the Christening for the wrong day - he lived in France at the time, so missed it), when I took her - at my own cost,, when a mature student - to New Zealand (2 x 11 hr flights). They weren't even at the airport to meet us.

He has never seen her since. That has been his wish.
A few years ago, she was on a Student Abroad trip to Toronto with a placement also elsewhere to a wolf sanctuary - and he said she should have gone to visit his eldest son (her "half"-uncle), and was rude not have done. In Montreal.
(She had only met the entire family all those years ago in NZ - no contact in between; why would she?)

My real brother - hisfirst son - was granted an audience - 12 years after he asked to meet him. And even since then (spitting image), my father has said he will not meet himagain without a DNA test (ffs). Fortunately, my brother has no wish to see him again.

@VodselForDinner

Oh OP, I’m so sorry that you had to be on the receiving end of that. I feel like giving you a big hug, and an even bigger drink.

A friend of mine has a similar relationship with her father, though he’s found himself widowed and bored and keen to instigate a relationship from 5,000 miles away, after a lifetime of neglect and disconnection.

I hope you have some good support around you in real life.

He’s a horrible, horrible person.

I have managed to stay away fromdrink in the last few years, but when things like this happen, I could really enjoy a big icy spritzer or vodka lemon and lime...... (drool). A hug would always be gratefully received!

I feel for your friend. I cannot belive that these bastardly men think they can simply put down and pick up people, IMPORTANT people, on a whim. And woe betide a person who remembers the previous hurt because that is, of course, holding a grudge! It is lose-lose with these kind of people - but from the inside, that is impossible to see. Especially when a kind and loving and simple relationship has been deliberately witheld for a whole life

The saying is not true; you CAN "miss what you have never had".

Even though MN is virtual, I know that there are real people making these comments and offering opinions and advice, which I value very much. As unfortunately, no-one in my real physical world can help or understand (and the one and only long-term friend has actually done a wee bit of sabotage....) xx

OP, I'm sorry your father is acting like such an utter dickhead.

I agree with the above posters. Don't reply to him. He can sit and seethe and wonder if you ever got the letter and drive himself in circles.

You don't owe him your reply.

On another, weirder note: did his wife sign both their names on that letter? I cannot imagine a world in which my husband wrote a letter to his daughter in which he called her mother a slag and I signed it. Absolutely batshit.

I'd shred his letter and mail back the shreds with a note asking him to do the same to the FD card as he is no father to you.

Block him in all possible ways. Send any letters back unopened marked "refused-addressee unknown".

I think it feeds his ego when he sends you a letter intended to make you feel like shit. He feeds off of your hurt and your expressing honest emotion.

Seriously OP that letter is truly awful, he doesn't deserve you, ignore it and move on with people who love you, he has taken a huge part of your life yet it is all about his feelings.

Hey OP. So sorry you have to deal with this mindfuck. I agree with everyone, you can't have a meaningful relationship with someone like that.

If it were me I'd write back "Please don't ever contact me again." and send back any new letter unopened.

Op I come from a deeply dysfunctional family I totally get it.

At some point though you have to do what is best for you and hang everyone else!

He's a horrible, awful man you do not need in your life.

You raised a kid with the good sense to avoid these idiots and go hang out with wolves instead. Excellent choice that kid.

I can't say any better than @Graphista who I agree with on many things but this one stands out. Go no contact, buy therapy and I hope you skip away into the sunset forgetting this waste of skin ever existed. The only good thing he did was give you and yours a few scraps of DNA.

@Nancydrawn

OP, I'm sorry your father is acting like such an utter dickhead.

I agree with the above posters. Don't reply to him. He can sit and seethe and wonder if you ever got the letter and drive himself in circles.

You don't owe him your reply.

On another, weirder note: did his wife sign both their names on that letter? I cannot imagine a world in which my husband wrote a letter to his daughter in which he called her mother a slag and I signed it. Absolutely batshit.

I did send a text message earlier (time difference must be abided by) to check I have the correct address. Does not mean he know I have read the letter though...... Although I have not sent him a message for over two years ads well... Silly me. He told me (I think he did it mess with my head) that the Christmas card I sent did not arrive until 18 January, so I worried I have it wrong.

This was mentioned in a note that came with a birthday card that he probably did not feel inclined to send, as I had not replied (unable to as letter hidden from me.....another story) to a letter that was sent to me in August last year.

The note simply started "Hello" - no name, or anything..... (You might see that he does not (ever - and it IS deliberate) start the letter "Dear"....

He has told me before now that he will only send a card if he is "in the mood". He also complains about the two dollar postage cost.

He will have signed that for both of them and written of course, without any input, or approval by his wife. He will also now not have a relationship with me that does not involve her as well..... She is known by their sons (sadly), as The Great Appeaser. She would not dare to disapprove of something he had done, and sometimes makes things worse. But she is as awful to me in her own special could-not-give-a-shit way. Can always count on her to point out any physical deterioration, and of course, tell me that I am "too sensitive".
Of course I am

I believe that I have ended up with what I call Inverse Narcissism; I can only see myself how others "see" me..... I don't actually exist otherwise. And just look how he regards me...This is significant in that you will never be able to rid yourself of the pain of his abuse until you are able to fully accept that he is fundamentally flawed and it has absolutely nothing to do with who you are, your personality etc. Nothing that you or anyone else could have done would have changed what he is and how he has chosen to live his life and affect others. Its a bit of a cliche but you need to stop blaming yourself and learn to love yourself. To put it bluntly you could shit gold and he would still criticise and abuse you. Its almost a game to him. You seriously need to rid yourself of him and burn any correspondence that you receive from him in the future. Don't even give him the satisfaction of telling him that you are going no contact,that will just play in to his sick need to keep the game going. Literally erase him from your life as if he never existed and seek a way, whatever that might be to work on healing yourself.

Such supportive and lovely responses and insights. Thank you so much for now; I will sleep better this night better than last.......xx

I will answer more tomorrow, but it does feel that I might be able to resist sitting my arse down and sending myself cross-eyed and half-crazy trying to work out what to write for the best. The worst of it is that my silence is seen as defeat and acceptance of his opinion of me..... But he just finds it impossible - even at this stage of both our lives - to see me in even a half-decent light - when I KNOW that I am not even half as bad as he says.

Thank you all, so much xx (tired)

when I KNOW that I am not even half as bad as he says.

Here, of all places, please admit that you aren't bad at all. He is. You don't need to make yourself small on your own thread.

Ahh mrsTp thank you I consider that a great compliment from one of my favourite posters

Op - nah! I'm willing to bet you're an amazing, loving, kind and successful person and he hates that! Because deep down he knows he shares NO credit in it!

If you would care to I'd be happy to correspond by pm, there's something I'd like to tell you which I cannot on the board - but totally your call! Might give you some peace of mind though.

The worst of it is that my silence is seen as defeat and acceptance of his opinion of me

He might think that briefly but not if you never reply. He'd know what that means- that you have a low opinion of him, and rightly so.

Or if he keeps telling himself something else to make himself feel better, that's the way it goes.

Is there some tangible reason why you can't just go no contact @DumbestBlonde ? I suppose you could open anything he might send in future in case it's something legally relevant about some inheritance or something, but that's about it.

Please try not to take the utter bollocks he's spewing on board. xxx

Does it matter if your non response is seen as defeat or acceptance?

I think that a good counsellor might be able to help you untangle your sense of self from your perception of your father’s love (or lack of) for you. Please note I said your perception of what your father thinks, not what he actually does think.

I doubt your father actually has an opinion of you, his letter reads like he is so busy with his own perception of himself that he couldnt squeeze in any thoughts about someone else’s independent feelings, emotions or desires.

Can you find a place within yourself to be grateful that your apple has fallen far far away from his tree (to botch a metaphor)

If you can get to a place of resigned pity and detachment (not anger or hate) I think you might be able to put the relationship in its appropriate slot. Which, in my view, is …… unfortunately related and preferably ignored like a tantrumming toddler.

Dear Father (so called)

Your life is a car crash of your own making. Your kids and g.kids dont care about you because you are a cruel selfish and utterly unlikeable person. Not our fault but yours.

Feel free to blame the shit show that you call an existence on other people if it stops you hating the person who looks back at you in the mirror. I wont be responding again, find your supply somewhere else.

I think I have read a different letter! I think the comment about your mother was disgusting thing to say to you. But other than that, I felt sorry for him and thought he was trying to explain himself. I also think there cannot be any smoke without fire and maybe there have been problems on the phone before and maybe you have not been interested in general catch ups. Also if it is ok for you to say no email, then why is it not ok for him to say no phone?

I think you need to do one thing or the other. Either find some common ground and decide to work on having a relationship or stop contact as currently it is a waste of each other’s time.

Well, isn’t he a peach?

I echo the above, in that I’d recommend some counselling to work through how you feel - and make no mistake, you have every right to feel confused and hurt and traumatised by this spectacular arsehole.

As for that letter, I’d either burn it or send it back with “Do not contact me again” on a post it note.

and a hug.

I felt sorry for him and thought he was trying to explain himself.

Bullshit, I’ve never seen such self-pitying fuckwittery wrapped up in endless criticism as that letter.

Wow. He’s a man of many words and all of them make him look like a dick.

What a complete and utter arsehole. How dare he send you a disgusting letter like that OP. Who on earth writes a rambling self indulgent letter which is 2 pages long to tell someone why they don't like talking to them - wtaf?! He's so self important it's painful. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with a figure like this in your life. The way he spoke about your mum is disgusting and he's got some serious issues if he feels the need to be that catty. I don't know who the hell he thinks he is to lecture you in such a patronising way, but you'd be more than reasonable to never speak to him again. My dad is an arsehole, not in quite the same way, but I know how disheartening it is when they affirm all the bad opinions you already had of them, just when you were hoping maybe something could be different.

Burn the letter and burn any others that come without opening them. You don't need this and you don't need him.

He also complains about the two dollar postage cost.

Well, there you go, OP. Please do not waste another cent (or penny) of your hard-earned on letters to this odious creature.

Honestly, I was shocked by his letter to you. He sounds so officious, so patronising, so mean-spirited and resentful. Do you really want that bundle of negativity in your life? OP, I wish you'd had a father who was worthy of you, but sometimes horrible people breed and innocent tots get landed with them as parents. It happened to my cousin; her father molested her, bashed his wife and abused his sons, yet she spent decades trying to have a cordial relationship with him -- even tho my DM, her F's sister, warned her not to. The F died, and my cousin regrets all the effort she wasted. Trying to keep that relationship going and make it better just destroyed what little confidence she had.

Please, OP, cut your losses. Don't write back, ever.

Really @Aprilx ? You would speak to someone you love, your own CHILD, like that. And not in the heat of the moment in frustration but on paper?!

No. It's awful.

OP, do whatever you need to protect your mental health