To feel as though this is the last straw

[DumbestBlonde]

I have attached a copy of the letter I received yesterday (it comes from Canada, and not to my home, so took a while).... It will have crossed in the air with the Father's Day card I sent, with a small message.
Full disclosure (mentioned elsewhere, but I don't expect anyone to search, or remember), this gentleman was not a father in any real sense; he fought for custody to control my mother, and then put me with his parents (I was 2.5), with no further legal actions. (I dod not see my mother again until I was 16.)
Lots of history, but I never lived with him - he has been married to third wife for 50 years this year. They have two sons who are now in their 40s and have various children (both have also been divorced).
I have tried to turn to him for help several times - but not recently. He is a very rich man. I have also very rarely asked him for some career input, or moral support. Drawn a blank there too.

I have not tried to speak to him on the phone since July 2019; I have not written to him, or replied (told not to, on both counts) to letters from him - usually of this nature, have been worse - since, I think, 2014 - and that was actually an email in which he called me "holier-than-thou", and told me to Get A Life. I will not conduct our relationship via email, and he knows that.

This has come out of the blue - and I am at a complete loss. In the past, I have spent hours - days even, trying to compose a suitable reply. To the detriment of every other aspect of my life (also posted elsehwere). When I read stuff like this, I just cannot see the point in going on.
Can someone please give me an opinion, or two; or more? I feel that whichever way I turn, I am being unreasonable. Is the only way, Out?
xx

(If i am not allowed to do this, someone please tell me....)

@PurpleWh1teGreen

Reading that as a complete stranger all that comes across to me is Hello, arsehole here being an arse

The tone reminds me of FIL who DH eventually went NC with. Nothing is ever his fault either.

I recommend a ceremonial burning of the letter. Then treat yourself on Fathers Day and never send him another card. . To some extent you are grieving for the father you have never had and it’s OK to acknowledge this and accept your feelings. Ultimately there is nothing in your power to change him and the relationship, so just unplug him.

This absolutely....step away from the fuckwit. Get professional help to step away if you need it (and I think it would help you) but step away.

my silence is seen as defeat and acceptance of his opinion of me

There is no response you can give that will change that. He will still see it all either as your acceptance of his opinion, or your failing in being unable to accept his opinion. Either way, he is right and you are wrong.

I agree with the PP who called it hate mail with kisses at the end. Take off the closing and sign off and it's nothing but pure venom.

His opinion isn't worth shit. How the hell do parents not understand that it's not their children's jobs to be their therapists and mental punchbags?

Thank you Thank you - all, each, every one of these thoughful, intelligent, insightful and SO supportive replies - how on Earth can I reply to all of them (which I want to do so much) without then expanding this thread to an extreme length, and - I fear - quite possibly repeating someof the stuff over and over.

Heck, I don't even really know quite how to highlight a user name in a reply . I do however, feel that I must respond in an overview kind of way.... I am very very VERY thankful for this; it is overwhelming - and so many of the posts are also from many of you with absent, deadbeat, nasty and downright USELESS "Fathers". Big big hugs to all of you.

I probably do have a masochistic streak - but my own behaviour seems to have become somewhat conditioned by how he has treated me for, well, most of my life - with a few intervals when he considered me acceptable. But I would almost always put my foot in it in some way - mianly I think because there was no connection on a deeper level; I am not in fact sure if he is capable of it, so I would seem to him (them) to be extremely complicated, and yes, sensitive.

The email means of communication WAS used starting in 2010, at his insistence. In the end I found it incredibly hard to have terse and demanding emails (and usually unkind) just drop into my life; I would always read them immediately and, trust me, they have had some far-reaching consequences. But I re;lise that that is due to my own inability to read, reply or not, and then move on with my day.

I have always given him more importance than he "deserved"- for example, when he complains about the length of calls, I remember a message I received a few years ago, "Well, I don't mind speaking to you, um, every few months or so, for about 15 minutes, but I'm not promising anything....". This did not happen, and conversations have possibly happened every other year, or less. How on EARTH can that then be natural, or easy..... And woe betide I miss a call (accidentally); he wouldactually have counted how many rings (not times) to my house phone, when I said I didn't get to it in time. If I miss a call, it is because I don't want to speak him he says - so, to twist it, he changes it to HE will NOT speak to me on the phone...... So so many double standards

I am - I think - attaching one of the previous letters. Which may cast me in a bad light too. I referred to it before; it is a repeat of one that he sent (as it says) at the start of 2019, when I had commented by text message (I did not have his address at that time, he had recently moved) about his complaint about his children/grandchildren (from his marriage to my mother). You might be able to see that he re-sent the original with some additional comments, and also that he was very cross at that time.

I don't know about you lovely people, but for me, writing a letter does give a person a chance to possibly reflect on what they are saying - to edit and then maybe not even send, for fear of causing distress....
I always remember hearing, "A letter is like a hand-grenade with the pin removed, thrown into a room and the door closed". That is something I do bear in mind when I think of writing to him (in letters prior to this, he was also telling me NOT to even write..... hence no address available for many years; although he of course could write or email as he chose....), or indeed to anyone when the letter covers several different subjects and is of course, not possible to respond to on the spot. This is why he prefers that medium I think; can anyone imagine saying some of the stuff out loud that he has written..... AND to someone you hardly know - but are supposed to love in some way (yes, he often qualifies "love", even just at the end of a letter -if it is omitted, it will be intentional).

I have removed some of the names I think..... not my mother's (and no-one I know will EVER read this - even when it is made into a novel or TV series ) and the Maureen he refers to is his second wife (I think that lasted less than four years.....). I adored her and her family, but once she was gone, so were they. I am always amAZed when I hear that step-parents keep in touch with their step-children when marriages break down. I never even knew that could be a thing!
(I did catch up with her sister via facebook a few years ago - but it really did not work very well..... Long Lost Family, my a**e )
If I NEED to do more to remove names, I will try....

No-one needs to read this letter if they prefer not; but it may give further insight into what the communications have been like. It does not even cast me in a good light - unless, like all of you lovely ladies (people?) , you have a such sense of understanding, empathy and, of course, emotional intelligence.

In the days when I DID try to write back, I would sometimes try to be subtle, hopoing that he would read between the lines. Heck he didn't even read THE lines, some hope of him reading between them.

The call that he mentions when I was "wanting something" was shortly after my Uncle had called me late at night, sounding very sad and mysterious, the voicemail saying, "I have some important -- uhm - news about your Dad". Imagine! I thought he had died, or at the very least been taken suddenly ill. (Nope, they had talked about my father buying me ahouse to rent from him - mentioned proviously on here I think... But I was not to ask about it.)

This fear had prompted me to call a few eeeks (!); which lasted I think (shock!!) about 10 minutes - AFTER he had tried to get ChattyPatti [I LOVE that!] to fend me off, and in turn prompted him to resend the letter as attached. (This is the one that I waited 6 months to open. Wish I had waited even longer.) Anyway, his health was fine, and he was obviously not dead. But I do worry that he will haunt me when he is

So SO many apologies for the terrible self-absorption I am demonstrating (see, he's right....) But I am just so so thankful for the support and advice and just well, words and thoughts from you all.
xxxxx

@romdowa

Burn the letter and burn any others that come without opening them. You don't need this and you don't need him.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Don’t waste any more time on his utterly waffley shite. Burn them immediately then you won’t have to agonise over what, or indeed whether, to reply.

I also picked up on this that you said in one of your posts, about not having a had a Father figure in your life.
“I think I would have been a better person.”
I’m going to bet that you’ve turned out just fine.

Oh, and just to add. As well as burning all future letters, I’d sever all contact.
So delete / block his number too.
Cut him out of your life totally.

Id just send a letter saying " you're quite right, we have nothing in common, conversations aren't pleasant, I don't feel this is a relationship that's worth maintaining. Don't feel the need to contact me again."

Oh OP, I'm so sorry, what a horrible, cruel man he is. Those letters are truly hateful, I've never read anything so bitter and nasty.

You don't deserve any of that venom, no one possibly could. I hope you are reassured by the fact that everyone here is united in their view on him

So what's stopping you just deleting all those old emails, burning the letters and dancing around the bonfire?

I couldn't have them in the house as I know they would be coming out when I was feeling low, drunk or vulnerable to ponder and obsess over. The fact you have posted this 2nd letter and felt you have to explain it shows you are still spending emotional energy on the whole thing. The highlighter pen is a pretty good sign of how much these letters get pored over and analysed.

Do go over to the June 2021 - Well we took you to Stately Homes thread in Relationships and get some support from other people going through similar struggles to get away from emotional vampires like your father.

PS: to use bold it's an asterix * before and after the phrase no gaps. I think an @ before a username gives the poster a notification. Maybe someone else can tell us how to italic!

@Gerwurtztraminer

So what's stopping you just deleting all those old emails, burning the letters and dancing around the bonfire?

I couldn't have them in the house as I know they would be coming out when I was feeling low, drunk or vulnerable to ponder and obsess over. The fact you have posted this 2nd letter and felt you have to explain it shows you are still spending emotional energy on the whole thing. The highlighter pen is a pretty good sign of how much these letters get pored over and analysed.

Do go over to the June 2021 - Well we took you to Stately Homes thread in Relationships and get some support from other people going through similar struggles to get away from emotional vampires like your father.

PS: to use bold it's an asterix * before and after the phrase no gaps. I think an @ before a username gives the poster a notification. Maybe someone else can tell us how to italic!

Thank you for the tips - I really can be dumb at times.....

The second letter is the last I will post - no more I promise, but I do have some dating back to 1986 - the days when he would hand-write and actually include an address
The highlighter is his, and the red ink, he was editing and resending a prior letter.
I have not looked at them more than once or twice, truly. Who could....?

I have actually found myself looking at a mini burning bin for the Project of burning them (and joining in my neighbours weith their fires . As it is, there is in the back of my bureau a box file - so full that the twanger has borken - wryling labelled The Black Box of Doom. It's black.

In it along with all the letters and few cards I have received, is actually an executive summary of all the letters over the years (even a USB stick that I moved all the emails onto - over 200 of them, before that turned ugly....), as creating timeslines like these help my mind to be clearer, as I don]t have to think about the what and when of everything. I can - which I do not often - refer to a list. This has always merely been a protection in case (as happens) I am accused falsely of something.

It might also be source material for a novel, working title, "Dont' come to me if you want a kidney". I do feel that Alan Bennett woul approve.

Things like this must seem like wallowing, and I apologise for that. I am often accused of it when I talk about something that causes discomfort in others.... I do it less and less now though

Just to mention re. the newest (but older) letters. All editing and highlighting is his.

I am analytical (very), but not THAT analytical..... x

Gosh I was going to say that reads like a work of fiction, and then I see he’s a writer! I would keep the letter but not reply.

I'm so sorry OP but your "father" is a total w*nker.

Bin this letter and be proud of yourself x

I think I would send one last letter which responds to his.

I have received your self pitying diatribe. No one who is a father in the real sense of the word could ever write such venom.
Never write to me again.

And then I would destroy anything he had ever sent me. This is a truly appalling way to write to your daughter.
I hope you can move forward with your life and accept that some folks should really never had had kids and that their kids need to be free of them.

@justanotherneighinparadise

Gosh I was going to say that reads like a work of fiction, and then I see he’s a writer! I would keep the letter but not reply.

His novels are not of a genre I enjoy (thriller of the Frederick Forsythe or Clive Cussler type. He deviated a few years ago (pardon the pun - you'll see....) and trying to get on the Fifty Shades bandwagon, with a BDSM novel.

He now releases one novel a year - but Heaven help anyone expecting him to use up his words.

The worst of it was that he used my sister's name for the main character - and also introduced an element of incest (of course, he was not to know that she was raped by her stepbrother at age 12). I did purchase the book so that I could leave a review (I didn't actually read it though...ugh) a "realistic" Amazon review, not like the ones that were from those people who had the name same namses of some of his friends, and of course, "Patti from Hudson".

He is a hero in his own mind, that's for sure. Totally rewritten both "ancient" and recent history to suit his own view of the world.

I also picked up on what might be a ''writer's'' mutterings to make a character more interesting - himself of course. You had a sad family history but you survived and can put it behind you but at his age 78 - why not humour him in case there is any inheritance from him to you ? Why not?

The highlighters are HIS?!!

OMG. What an absolute self centred pompous twat. You need to learn to laugh at him, surprising how seeing someone as ridiculous that diminishes the power they have over you.

Definitely burn the Black Box of Doom - with firecrackers and a Catherine Wheel.

@DumbestBlonde

Right. You have to drop this toxic shit of a man from your life, once and for all. You really do.

I did read the corrected letter.

Dear god he's a nasty, nasty piece of work isn't he.

I'm so glad in the past that you've clearly managed be brave enough to point out to him some of his spectacular failings, bloody well done!

And that it clearly got to him, too. Good. He really and truly deserves it.

He certainly doesn't deserve your Father's Day card, that's for sure. But actually, if that's your final communication to him, I am grinning to myself at how frustrating that will be for him.

He wants to fight.

But you do not have to accept that invitation from him ever again.

There will never be anything worthwhile for you from him, sorry but it's true.

Understanding that means you can then make a choice to completely cut him out. If you decide you can give yourself the go ahead to do that, you could vow to yourself to never read another word he writes. All it can do is harm.

And the use of 'power' around changing his will - says more about him than it does about anyone else, he tries to tarnish others by applying his own disgusting standards to them.

He will be eaten up by his own hatred one day. And he deserves to be.

He does NOT deserve to have you in his life.

@tara66

I also picked up on what might be a ''writer's'' mutterings to make a character more interesting - himself of course. You had a sad family history but you survived and can put it behind you but at his age 78 - why not humour him in case there is any inheritance from him to you ? Why not?

I think humouring him would be awful for my mental health though - given the way that he dictates the terms. He wrote to me back in 2009 (no return address, he had then been in Canada for a few years, but I had not known) - also with a theme like these, and also out of the blue. Within that letter was the first mention of a Will and a bequest to me. It was not something that has ever been discussed openly - but as you might see in the most recent letter I have posted, he has threatened removal of the bequest. That is what Iwill believe.

Let alone, apparently - on nother thread, I was told that there is a law that prevails where he lives, that is connected to French Law (he is in Quebec) and I am "automatically" entitled to an inheritance. Something like 2/3 divided by number of (acknowledged?) children. (And THAT there is another matter......)

He considers himself an International Man of Style and Mystery, when as you might have read, he came from very very humble beginiings - and of course, almost did not esape them, due to my existence.

It really matters little though regarding an inheritance that is used as both a carrot and a stick - and yes Chatty Patti tried this a few years ago, telling me that they were planning to "bring it forward".... ...... I am sure he will outlive me, as this has taken a terrible toll on me, mentally and physically; I have no energy left for what might be left of my life.

He, however, would probably survice the End of the World, along with the jellyfish and cockroaches.

@Gerwurtztraminer

The highlighters are HIS?!!

OMG. What an absolute self centred pompous twat. You need to learn to laugh at him, surprising how seeing someone as ridiculous that diminishes the power they have over you.

Definitely burn the Black Box of Doom - with firecrackers and a Catherine Wheel.

Yes they are. I remember the letter hanging around for the six months before opening; it was sitting amidst my music on my piano --- would have been better if it had fallen behind it to live with the dust bunnies.

I could see through the airmail envelope that there was red lettering - and the highlighter if not the words.. I knew that did not bode well, and it helped delay opening. I did foolishly open it in the December though - and kept saying to myself, "How could he, just before Christmas, other people get cards, gifts, family gatherings and events, and I get this?!?!. But it as my delay that caused that - duh. I have certainly not replied to that - who in their right mind would be able to? What possible - succinct - reply could there be.....

So, I guess, if I could *eventually" put that one to the back of my mind..... I can with this newest one.

(There was another that came last year but my "friend" hid it from me - and we have gone past the point when I could ask him for it, as he has denied the existence of it a few times....)

I have ordered a mini burning bin from Amazon - one use for this job, and then it goes to my "dear" neighbours.

@DumbestBlonde

No, you're right, do NOT humour him, it would indeed be terrible for your mental health!

Have nothing to do with him, his money, his unpleasant wife or anything else.

You have suffered enough now. Please give yourself whatever permission you need to let go.

This actually IS the final straw, yes.

[quote FantasticButtocks]@DumbestBlonde

Right. You have to drop this toxic shit of a man from your life, once and for all. You really do.

I did read the corrected letter.

Dear god he's a nasty, nasty piece of work isn't he.

I'm so glad in the past that you've clearly managed be brave enough to point out to him some of his spectacular failings, bloody well done!

And that it clearly got to him, too. Good. He really and truly deserves it.

He certainly doesn't deserve your Father's Day card, that's for sure. But actually, if that's your final communication to him, I am grinning to myself at how frustrating that will be for him.

He wants to fight.

But you do not have to accept that invitation from him ever again.

There will never be anything worthwhile for you from him, sorry but it's true.

Understanding that means you can then make a choice to completely cut him out. If you decide you can give yourself the go ahead to do that, you could vow to yourself to never read another word he writes. All it can do is harm.

And the use of 'power' around changing his will - says more about him than it does about anyone else, he tries to tarnish others by applying his own disgusting standards to them.

He will be eaten up by his own hatred one day. And he deserves to be.

He does NOT deserve to have you in his life.

[/quote]
Thank you for reading it - I think even if it had not come to me, I would be affected by it! I appreciate that anyone else will - even as I am embarrassed by the contents and what they say about me.

What I find so amazing if the length of time he holds onto such extreme anger to vent it at me - and that, as I have said, he writes these things (that he would never ever say to my face) and then STILL sends them. He is such a fan of saying Water Under The Bridge, Can't Resurrect Things, Ancient Hiistory, Bygnes --- and all of that. But he - rather than maybe actually HAVE a bit of a set-to in person or on the phone - writes the intial letter JUST beacuse I commented that my sister and brother had given up on him - and my daughter too. They all gave up becuase he simply ignored their existences for their whole lives. Where my sister was concerned, he left when she was less than 18 months old and never saw her, until he picked her up with me the day he mentions in the letter; she would havebeen 14-ish I think, and he did no know her AT ALL! He took us BOTH to visit him and his wife and at least one of the new sons. What the Hell did he think she would feel??? What's the word he used, there was "no sense from her attitude that she was desirous of it". Oh, what a pig. And really, it is the children of broken marriages who initiate contact???? Only if the parents are usless cowardly, unsophisticated and emotionally constipated lumps....

(Yes, there are some exceptional circumstances, but this wa not one of them)

One thing that she remembers to this day, (and she IS a massive grudge-holder, so I don't doubt that it was said, but I missed the conversation itself) she said something to him that ended with , "....next time...." - and he responded, "I wasn't aware there was going to be a next time." And there never was.

It is very similar to when, at age seven I was told (just as I was asking if I could call his second wife Mummy), that I should call him by his Christian name. I never managed it, but also never from that day managed Daddy, or Dad, either. And yet decades later, he is literally whining - at one of these rare lunches - "Why don't you call me Dad?" - and saying that he finds it offensive. Bonkers - self-selected memories, making the other person the one who seems like a sulky weirdo.

Cut him loose OP. He’s not a decent man.

Actually I think you sending him the Fathers Day card is an absolute belter. You got the last word, without even realising it. Hopefully on receiving it he’ll feel shame and embarrassment for writing his letter. That Father’s Day card can be your final contact with a big two fingers up.

Does he bring anything to your life other than pain? If so, we’ll you can persevere but if the answer is no, then there’s no point in allowing him to take up space in your mind.

I would take that letter then set fire to it in the garden. Then stamp on the ashes when it’s all burnt. Then sweep the ashes down the drain. Finito. No one needs this kind of crap. Do something physical and cathartic to rid yourself of what I might call bad juju. Who CARES what this mean, thoughtless person thinks? Be gone!

And then OP I wondered if you have ever spoken to a therapist? Sounds like there would be a lot to talk about, that you have had some very tough times.

@Grilledaubergines

Cut him loose OP. He’s not a decent man.

Actually I think you sending him the Fathers Day card is an absolute belter. You got the last word, without even realising it. Hopefully on receiving it he’ll feel shame and embarrassment for writing his letter. That Father’s Day card can be your final contact with a big two fingers up.

Does he bring anything to your life other than pain? If so, we’ll you can persevere but if the answer is no, then there’s no point in allowing him to take up space in your mind.

Thanks - you are right xx

I actually WAS just thinking, as sad as it makes me in my heart, I AM glad |I sent the card.

I sent it with no ill intent , no guile - just a wee message inside inquiring about their well being and saying I would not make any assumptions either way. The card itself was not too twee, or even with a facetious bent - you know, one that would be totally inappropriate, making a sly dig and saying how wonderful he is and has been, and how we are so close and always will be, and how special he is to me.

It truly was well-meant - but even when I HAVE extended an olive branhc in the past, he has regarded it as being on the look-out for something or as a precursor to bringiong out the begging bowl (his words). So, I have become wary and hesitant even to do the most basic of things.....

I do remember one occasion when I had been offered an interveiw for a dream job with the British Horse Society (but I think I was at the low end of a long-list...... They required a Marketing prsnetatin, and I recollect caling my father, in the days when I could. He has always been brilliant in Sales and was a Sales & Marekting Director for an international tool (haha) company before he was 40. I just uttered thew words, "Could you help me with something....." and was cut off with a very firm "NO" without him ever knowing what it was. I finally told him (sort of in passing) at one of The Lunches - and I will admit, he looked a little shame-faced. The one and only time, I think
I didn't get the job either.

Anyway, maybe I knew somehow that one of his vile letters - some call abusive, which I would believe I was doing myself if I wrote that kind of s**t to someone - was coming psychic? But my card was already gone and on it's way. And I do think - much as I really really want to defend myself - the card WILL be my swansong.

(He is not in MY Will, that's for sure.....)

Whenever these things happen - however rarely - I need to reset my mind to the place it was before.... because even THAT was better than the place my (weak) mind goes to due to the effect of what he says and does. I think of it as (sorry) Ground Zero - and I need to count the days AWAY from Day 1. I hate to wish my time away, so hopefully I can recover from GZ more quickly and pull myself out of the pit before I am swallowed completely.

I think that the posts and such wonderful support and advice on here - that I have not had on prevoous occasions - will help me to do just that xx

So -

1. NO reply - even though I wasted half the night of Day One trying to compose one - and feeling as thoughI was going crazy,
2. Gather anything that belongs in the Black Box of Doom - which mean probably both of the letetrs I have posted on here, everything else is already in it,
3. Wait for my Amazon delivery, and
4. Get some matches - then --- WHOOSH - or, at least - whoosh - only a little fire, compared to others in the neighbourhood.

He, however, would probably survive the End of the World, along with the jellyfish and cockroaches.

It's good to see you joking, OP. I don't mean in any way to belittle what you've gone through, but sometimes the best way to deal with awful people is to cut them down to size. He's not some great powerful man - he is a ridiculous, weak, self-pitying little loser. Stay out of his drama.