To feel as though this is the last straw

[DumbestBlonde]

I have attached a copy of the letter I received yesterday (it comes from Canada, and not to my home, so took a while).... It will have crossed in the air with the Father's Day card I sent, with a small message.
Full disclosure (mentioned elsewhere, but I don't expect anyone to search, or remember), this gentleman was not a father in any real sense; he fought for custody to control my mother, and then put me with his parents (I was 2.5), with no further legal actions. (I dod not see my mother again until I was 16.)
Lots of history, but I never lived with him - he has been married to third wife for 50 years this year. They have two sons who are now in their 40s and have various children (both have also been divorced).
I have tried to turn to him for help several times - but not recently. He is a very rich man. I have also very rarely asked him for some career input, or moral support. Drawn a blank there too.

I have not tried to speak to him on the phone since July 2019; I have not written to him, or replied (told not to, on both counts) to letters from him - usually of this nature, have been worse - since, I think, 2014 - and that was actually an email in which he called me "holier-than-thou", and told me to Get A Life. I will not conduct our relationship via email, and he knows that.

This has come out of the blue - and I am at a complete loss. In the past, I have spent hours - days even, trying to compose a suitable reply. To the detriment of every other aspect of my life (also posted elsehwere). When I read stuff like this, I just cannot see the point in going on.
Can someone please give me an opinion, or two; or more? I feel that whichever way I turn, I am being unreasonable. Is the only way, Out?
xx

(If i am not allowed to do this, someone please tell me....)

Oh, I have also not seen him (them) since 2016 - and before that, I had a lunch with him in 2010.

Christ, what an arsehole.

How very dare his adult child across the world not be interested in his "news or reports" and want to talk about themselves too.

Bin it OP, and put him out of your mind. Easier said than done, I know. But that really tells us everything about him we would ever need to know. It's not you, he’s a self-absorbed twat.

Couldn't resist that dig at your mum either, could he?

@YerWanIsGettinNotions

Christ, what an arsehole.

How very dare his adult child across the world not be interested in his "news or reports" and want to talk about themselves too.

Apart from this one, and a couple prior (in 2019 which were, if it's possible, even worse than this, his letter prior, in 2018 WAS full of "news and reports". I never said I wasn't interested to hear - he is the one that says I am not.

He is a writer - and I think he can only function if he can create a character. I am obviously not a two-dimensional character on paper. And of course, I was nevef meant to be born - as these words remind me, even at this point in life.

What a nasty man. If I were you, I'd make enquiries with a legal eagle and see if there's some sort of international no-contact order you can do... Being sent hateful letters like this really isn't nice at all and he's not doing it for any other reason than he's bored and it's like a weird hobby. Vile.

I'm sorry OP but I really think you'd be better off without someone like that in your life

Gosh, sorry OP that’s so horrible. What a horrible, awful man.

Why do you persist in trying to have a relationship with him? He has nothing to give, and has no love or paternal feelings towards you. I think you’d be better off, and feel happier and freer without him lingering in the background.

I realise you must feel so rejected, though, and it’s really tough; but he’s only going to make you feel worse. Seriously, bin the fucker. You deserve nicer people in your life.

It's hard to know what to say really. You don't actually know each other, do you? Presumably he he lives in Canada so obviously you haven't met? (At least not since 2016). I suppose we'd need to know what do you want out of all this? A good relationship? A father figure? Nothing? He sounds a bit exasperated. It's a bit like Long Lost Families but without the emotion.

Wow. He is very critical and full of blame, no acknowledgement of the pain he caused in your life.
What a wanker.

That line about your mum is so mean and completely unnecessary.

I'd go NC. What's the point; you don't even want to communicate the same way.

What a horrible man! As other have said, a narcissist. Either throw it in the bin or just send it back with no comment. Move on with your life, you don't deserve this.

Christ almighty, what a massive prick.

Tear this missive up and any that follow.

@YerWanIsGettinNotions

Bin it OP, and put him out of your mind. Easier said than done, I know. But that really tells us everything about him we would ever need to know. It's not you, he’s a self-absorbed twat.

Couldn't resist that dig at your mum either, could he?

It is so hard to do. One time, I actually took six months to open a letter, and felt so disrespectful to leave it unopened, but it was one in which he complained that none of his children/grandchildren cared about him (in the middle of his news and reports). he has rejected all of the people who remind him of the past, so I tried to pull him up on that, and two dreadful letters followed, 6 months apart; one actually came within a birthday card, which would not have been sent otherwise (and was late anyway). He still hates my mother (believes she tricked him) and yet his mantra is "Water Under The Bridge" - when it suits. [In one letter, he said that she said she was raped - not by him, and enjoyed it..... She is, as is he, 78 years old. He is a horrid person.]

I feel SO stupid for sending him the Father's Day card now. First time in over 20 years - I just wanted to let him know I think about him. He may not even have got it yet, as he awlays complains that "things go missing/are delayed" (which is BS, just to deter me from writing).

Putting him out of my mind is almost impossible. But I was "OK" with there being nothing much at all.... and then this.

He casts a very very long shadow.

What a cheek pontificating about normal social skills whilst sending a letter like that!

I'd go no contact, he's a fucking toxic, horrible man. Don't spend any time thinking about him. I'd be tempted to keep his letters unopened and bundle them up and send back to him after a couple of years.

That line about ur mum, who would say that to their own daughter! He also has a cheek saying ur all about yourself. This whole letter is poor me, poor me etc!

He is a complete narcisist who is so self involved that he has no interest in anything you have to say, the letter comes across as inhuman, your post comes across beautifully, you sound like such an empath you are a human. Don't expect anything different from this man he will never look at his own flaws, he wants to blame you, your mother and anyone else he can find to blame because he's incapable of identifying his own flaws. You are better than this and he hates that hence he's trying to drag you down to his level...you are better than him and he hates you for that.

Please focus on the wonderful things in your life and that sperms donor doesn't deserve to have you in his life

Set up a temporary email address and tell him to fuck off!

@Dillydollydingdong

It's hard to know what to say really. You don't actually know each other, do you? Presumably he he lives in Canada so obviously you haven't met? (At least not since 2016). I suppose we'd need to know what do you want out of all this? A good relationship? A father figure? Nothing? He sounds a bit exasperated. It's a bit like Long Lost Families but without the emotion.

He was involved in my life from the start, and I lived with his parents after he and my mother divorced, so I couldn't escape intermittent contact with him. He saw nothing wrong with this, and thinks that any damage caused is all down to my terrible perosnality.

I don't really want anything now, and have expected even less. But THIS is out of the blue. Any exasperation he might feel is from within - it is not as though he has called or made any "effort" that has been rejected by me - and he has put me in a position that I MUST NOT make efforts towards him - and yet, he wants to remind me how terrible I am. I do not have the answer for why he wants to do this.

And I of course realise that I am opening myself up to more possible criticism, as I am sure people may think that thoughts like this about someone do not come out of nowhere (I admit, I ws quite a difficult teenager, and he hated what (he saw of) that).

I would very much like or have liked to have a father-figure. I think I would have been a better person. He did not want the job though.

@GrettaGreen

What a cheek pontificating about normal social skills whilst sending a letter like that!

Oh, that made me let out a small chuckle. Thank you xx

He sounds very much like a sociopath and a nasty one at that (not all sociopaths are nasty pieces of work) His comment about your Mum says a lot about him too. He seems to be a very toxic individual. Just because you share DNA it doesn't mean that you have to have him in your life. Liberate yourself and do not respond. It sounds very much like that he wants you to respond so that he can continue to be abusive and draw you in to a sparring match. Don't give him the satisfaction, he isnt worth it.

I said I have never lived with him, but that's wrong - as I have just posted. I was with him and my mother until two and a half - but i think he has left the home before I did (children's homes were talked about - apparently - for me and my sister). But all of my connections were with HIS side of the family - I lost everyone on my mother's side - and my sister, and a brother who was born when I was just going back to visit my mother (he was adopted out anyway, so I never even remembered him....), and then that fizzled out and I met her again at 16.

He sounds like a histrionic narcissist.

Don’t get sucked into his mind games

It’s fine not to have contact with relatives.

You can and will find happiness elsewhere.

💐

@tensmum1964

He sounds very much like a sociopath and a nasty one at that (not all sociopaths are nasty pieces of work) His comment about your Mum says a lot about him too. He seems to be a very toxic individual. Just because you share DNA it doesn't mean that you have to have him in your life. Liberate yourself and do not respond. It sounds very much like that he wants you to respond so that he can continue to be abusive and draw you in to a sparring match. Don't give him the satisfaction, he isnt worth it.

You are SO right. I always end up agonising over what is best to say - to not further incur his wrath and contempt. But he would most likley ignore a reply that I will have agonised over and rewritten many times - defefnding mydelf mainly, I would say.

And for what? This is something that I do need to be reminded of.So Thank You.....

I have never had Mumsnet to come to before, so this such a great help, to get perspective x

@Yellownotblue

He sounds like a histrionic narcissist.

Don’t get sucked into his mind games

It’s fine not to have contact with relatives.

You can and will find happiness elsewhere.

💐

I believe that I have ended up with what I call Inverse Narcissism; I can only see myself how others "see" me..... I don't actually exist otherwise. And just look how he regards me

I don't even really know where he is getting the grounds for the accusations when I have tried my damnedest to not bother him over recent years (as instructed - until told otherwise, and then I MUST do as I am told, like a dog waiting for scraps at the table).

Wow! What a bastard!

Let me guess - NOTHING is ever his fault he is always the victim?

Do yourself a huge favour and straight talk a letter to him containing only 2 words! And the second is off!

he complained that none of his children/grandchildren cared about him

Is it really any Fucking wonder?

On a more serious note - go nc (I know easier said than done), tell him so, get lots of therapy if you aren't already.

He's a nasty piece of work!