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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel as though this is the last straw

273 replies

DumbestBlonde · 18/06/2021 00:10

I have attached a copy of the letter I received yesterday (it comes from Canada, and not to my home, so took a while).... It will have crossed in the air with the Father's Day card I sent, with a small message.
Full disclosure (mentioned elsewhere, but I don't expect anyone to search, or remember), this gentleman was not a father in any real sense; he fought for custody to control my mother, and then put me with his parents (I was 2.5), with no further legal actions. (I dod not see my mother again until I was 16.)
Lots of history, but I never lived with him - he has been married to third wife for 50 years this year. They have two sons who are now in their 40s and have various children (both have also been divorced).
I have tried to turn to him for help several times - but not recently. He is a very rich man. I have also very rarely asked him for some career input, or moral support. Drawn a blank there too.

I have not tried to speak to him on the phone since July 2019; I have not written to him, or replied (told not to, on both counts) to letters from him - usually of this nature, have been worse - since, I think, 2014 - and that was actually an email in which he called me "holier-than-thou", and told me to Get A Life. I will not conduct our relationship via email, and he knows that.

This has come out of the blue - and I am at a complete loss. In the past, I have spent hours - days even, trying to compose a suitable reply. To the detriment of every other aspect of my life (also posted elsehwere). When I read stuff like this, I just cannot see the point in going on.
Can someone please give me an opinion, or two; or more? I feel that whichever way I turn, I am being unreasonable. Is the only way, Out?
xx

(If i am not allowed to do this, someone please tell me....)

To feel as though this is the last straw
To feel as though this is the last straw
OP posts:
aloris · 18/06/2021 04:51

What he wrote about your mother is so far over the line that I can't really take the rest of his letter seriously. Being married to her almost ruined his life. Who says that to their own child about the child's mother? Not a normal person. You can't make sense of someone like that because their thought process is so warped by self-interest that they can't see reality.

AngelDelightUk · 18/06/2021 05:26

Well isn’t he a character! Does your mum know about the letter?

CrazyNeighbour · 18/06/2021 05:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyOldPrion · 18/06/2021 06:00

It is so hard to do. One time, I actually took six months to open a letter, and felt so disrespectful to leave it unopened,

This leapt out at me. You know after this long that opening them will be bad, and you were not mistaken.

Can I recommend that is future, you bin or burn them as soon as they arrive? It will initially feel awful, but I suspect with time, you might find the weight lifting a little from your mind. You will recognise that you have taken positive action to protect yourself from something wholly negative. I didn’t bother to read beyond the part where he was abusive about your mum. He’s clearly a very unpleasant man, who doesn’t see women as human beings.

Small acts of asserting yourself might help you feel more like you know who you are. There’s a voice in your head telling you not to open, which is why it took you six months. He has trained you to overrule that voice. When you start to listen to it and act on what it tells you, you will begin to find who you actually are.

It’s hard to work that muscle, or even hear that voice when you’re not used to it, but with small steps, you can learn. It will be difficult at first, but that voice is you. You need to find and then become the person that acts on what you actually believe and feel. It feels good, once you start to get used to it. Good luck.

ItsDinah · 18/06/2021 06:01

He's what the Scots call a crabbit old mannie. There's a lot of them. There's no point humouring or trying to engage meaningfully with them. You have been so little involved in one another's lives that you really have nothing to say or write about. You might consider cutting communication to simply sending him postcards and birthday/Christmas cards. I don't think that of itself will stop it preying on your mind. Your early life sounds very traumatic and your parents are not the people to help you get over it. There are therapists who specialise in adult survivors of childhood trauma. If you have the funds or medical insurance, you might want to explore this. I think the Priory run week long intensive courses for adults to help them cope with childhood trauma.

daisychain01 · 18/06/2021 06:08

The trouble is, time has gone by, @DumbestBlonde but he has never realised that you are no longer a child, you have grown up, you don't need to answer to him, to do his bidding, to listen to his guilt-tripping or stand there before him with your head bowed while he slags off your mother and makes you feel like a piece of dirt under his foot.

Please please realise you will never fix this relationship so by all means get some counselling but don't invest another nanosecond of your precious life on him.

He does not have your best interests at heart. Free yourself from the chains of a relationship that will only ever contribute to drag you down. You can bet your bottom dollar he will try to have the last laugh by cutting you out of his Will and making sure he leaves everything to other people, to punish you for some unknown, made up crime you've never committed.

Strike him out of your life while there is time (don't announce it, just go 100% NC) and never give him that satisfaction of hurting you.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 18/06/2021 06:12

OP I echo the majority of the PPs. Return any future letters marked 'gone away'. And have some counselling. I understand you wanted a father figure when younger, and part of you is still looking for that now, which is probably why you're taking his letter so much to heart. As an outsider, I see an unpleasant, arrogant man who's desperately trying to reel you in. Sending a big hug.

daisychain01 · 18/06/2021 06:12

He comes across as someone who deliberately withdraws contact from you and every now and again he fires off one of those missives like a bomb thrown into your life, uncaring how it affects you, clueless to the damage.

That's why you would be well-advised to take back control and build your self esteem and empowerment so you can say truly that you don't give a f£&# about him anymore.

daisychain01 · 18/06/2021 06:14

Return any future letters marked 'gone away'.

In honesty I wouldn't even do that. It's like spam Mail, if you reply to it in any shape of form all it does is confirm there's a human being at the end of it which he'll enjoy. Best approach is ongoing Radio Silence for the rest of his life.

FunMcCool · 18/06/2021 06:17

If he concerned he’s having a breakdown as that letter is the rantings of an unstable person. I’d say your better off not replying or having any contact.

Nofruitta · 18/06/2021 06:22

There can’t be too many people who write to you from Canada. Bin correspondence in future. Do not open his hate mail.

AnyOldPrion · 18/06/2021 06:22

Reading the later posts, this was the next thing that struck me:

The worst of it is that my silence is seen as defeat and acceptance of his opinion of me.

Stop giving any consideration or thought to what’s in his head. You are trying to second guess his reactions. They are utterly irrelevant to you.

Do what you need for your own mental health with absolutely no regard for how he might feel about it. Sounds like you are torn between wanting a real connection and wanting to hurt him because he’s hurt you. Both of those are about him… and THAT is exactly what he wants.

Destroy his letters. Don’t give him the satisfaction of shredding them, or telling him you’re going no contact. He wants a reaction. Learn to take pleasure in your own strength. He wasted his precious time writing that letter if you see it and bin it without even a second glance or even thought. That’s where you should aim to be. He wants a reaction, simple as that. Take pride in not giving him one, even within your own head.

Littlemoons · 18/06/2021 06:24

The stately homes thread on relationships board could be useful for supportFlowers

AnyOldPrion · 18/06/2021 06:24
  • Don’t give him the satisfaction of shredding them and sending them back

Must learn to proof read. Shredding them and not sending them back would be fine.

Tangled22 · 18/06/2021 06:25

It’s really interesting that you say he’s a writer. His ego and self-importance comes across SO strongly in the letter.

I think the most satisfying thing would be to completely drop him.

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 18/06/2021 06:29

Buy and shredder and immediately shred any further letters he sends. Does he actually add anything to your life apart from bad feeling? If the answer is no then buy the shredder - what a tosser!

EducatingArti · 18/06/2021 06:37

"And I of course realise that I am opening myself up to more possible criticism, as I am sure people may think that thoughts like this about someone do not come out of nowhere (I admit, I ws quite a difficult teenager, and he hated what (he saw of) that)."

I am not surprised you were a difficult teenager if your father is like this.

I would not reply, but I would try and get some counselling to help you disentangle your sense of self from this rubbish that your father is putting onto you.
The only reason to keep this letter that I can see would be to show your counsellor.

Highfivemum · 18/06/2021 06:39

Sometimes in life we have to move on and as hard as I can imagine it would be he is better off out of your life, not that he is really in it anyway. I know from experience how hard it is to cut a main figure in your life is out. But honestly once done it is life a huge weight is lifted. Don’t waste anymore of your time on him. Spend your time on positive people who you care about and they care about you. You cannot change this man he is bitter and doesn’t deserve you. Move on .... I wish you well.

EssentialHummus · 18/06/2021 06:42

Jesus. Next time he writes don't open, mark "Not known at this address" (ideally someone else if he knows your writing) and post back.

standupsitdownturnaround · 18/06/2021 06:43

Hello OP, I am so sorry you have this shadow in your life. I know that this sort of intense criticism from a loved one is almost impossible to get over. It's part of your fabric unfortunately, thanks to this man and his absolutely batshit rantings.

What is he even talking about? You don't talk on the phone in the exact way he wants? You don't have an email address? So? You're a person.

How could a grown person generate two typed A4 pages detailing their critique of your telephone manner and have to pause to print it and put in an envelope and still think "yeah, this toxic brain dump really must be read".

Hes obsessed with 'news' but doesn't include any news.

Also, for a writer he has very poor comms skills.

From what you've said, you have these options.

  1. No contact.
  1. Write a formulaic letter with 'news' in it and ask him for his news, ignore anything personal
  1. Send this letter back to him with red pen correction on the appalling writing
  1. Send this letter back to him with red pen correction on the times he is doing all the things he claims you do (making it personal and emotional and whatever)
  1. Call him up and immediately tell him you need to go because dinner is on the table. Do that a few times.
  1. Open an email account just for comms with him and generate a template reply in a newsletter format and just change the content accordingly ie
weather: sunny Job: fine Gammy knee: ok Dinner tonight: sausages and beans
  1. Create an email just for him with an auto reply which says "you are the bestest and I don't have any interesting news but I'm desperate for you to send me another dear diary emotional rant thank you"
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 18/06/2021 06:44

Hes vile op and took you from your mother as an act of war against your mother even though he had no interest in you.
It must have destroyed you, even if you don't remember to be ripped from your mother at that age. Its a terrible thing. Your mother must have been destroyed to.
My so called parents destroyed me too. I was diagnosed with complex trauma.
I receive NHS psychiatric treatment and I think you should too so you can put this behind you.
You need proper counselling.
This kind of person will often not leave you anything in their will as a final act of spite to teach you a lesson in their nasty warped way. Be ready for that.
You need a really good therapist.

standupsitdownturnaround · 18/06/2021 06:47

I just want to add OP, you sound lovely, thoughtful, kind and loving. They're rare and wonderful qualities and you've got nothing to be sorry for. Well done for trying to have a relationship with this abusive man, despite his treatment of you.

You've clearly tried very hard and in my view you can give yourself permission to stop.

If you can switch your perspective a little to feel sorry for him rather than looking to him for any sort of feedback about yourself then it may help.

However, he is not a father figure. He is not going to be that to you.

Shoxfordian · 18/06/2021 06:53

He isn’t worth your time or your tears
Can you look for some therapy? Even via an app or online if it’s hard to find something in person, just to help you sort through your feelings. Hope you got some sleep as well. I would advise binning any future correspondence unread and cutting him off but I know it’s easier said than done sometimes

Take care

CupoTeap · 18/06/2021 07:01

Wow.

You don't have to have a relationship with him, it would be heathy to stop.

standupsitdownturnaround · 18/06/2021 07:03

Sorry one more option, carefully choose an Amazon order for him and send via Amazon Canada:

Strunk and White's Element's of style (short bible of writing advice)

The art of the personal letter - Margaret shepherd

How to stop being negative, angry and mean - Richard banks

And one for uou OP:

Adult children of emotionally immature parents - how to heal from distant, rejecting or self involved parents - Lindsay Gibson