To feel as though this is the last straw

[DumbestBlonde]

I have attached a copy of the letter I received yesterday (it comes from Canada, and not to my home, so took a while).... It will have crossed in the air with the Father's Day card I sent, with a small message.
Full disclosure (mentioned elsewhere, but I don't expect anyone to search, or remember), this gentleman was not a father in any real sense; he fought for custody to control my mother, and then put me with his parents (I was 2.5), with no further legal actions. (I dod not see my mother again until I was 16.)
Lots of history, but I never lived with him - he has been married to third wife for 50 years this year. They have two sons who are now in their 40s and have various children (both have also been divorced).
I have tried to turn to him for help several times - but not recently. He is a very rich man. I have also very rarely asked him for some career input, or moral support. Drawn a blank there too.

I have not tried to speak to him on the phone since July 2019; I have not written to him, or replied (told not to, on both counts) to letters from him - usually of this nature, have been worse - since, I think, 2014 - and that was actually an email in which he called me "holier-than-thou", and told me to Get A Life. I will not conduct our relationship via email, and he knows that.

This has come out of the blue - and I am at a complete loss. In the past, I have spent hours - days even, trying to compose a suitable reply. To the detriment of every other aspect of my life (also posted elsehwere). When I read stuff like this, I just cannot see the point in going on.
Can someone please give me an opinion, or two; or more? I feel that whichever way I turn, I am being unreasonable. Is the only way, Out?
xx

(If i am not allowed to do this, someone please tell me....)

Nasty nasty nasty so my personal reply would be,

For someone who envys his mothers ability to get to the point you certainly don't make yours very well

Your points have been considered and my reply is as follows

Goodbye

And then any further correspondence from him would be returned unopened I would return them because I know full well that will piss him right off especially if they are unopened

You need to learn not to let this vaguely literate joke of a man get to you his letter sounds like the overmedicated ramblings of an asylum patient you give him too much credit and yourself none

Good luck with it all

No response is a response, and it's a powerful one.

And he wants an answer this time, so it would be doubly powerful.

I'm amazed you've lasted this long.

God I'm so sorry. What an awful letter to get. What an awful man.

Never contact him again. Don't reply. 💐

It's a very confusing missive isn't it ! On the one hand its all 'please tell us your news, we would love to hear about your life' and then on the other 'don't ring me because you will want to talk about your life' , with the emotional grenade of ' and by the way, your mother is a slag ! ' thrown in for good measure.
If it wasn't so distressing for you, it would be hilarious ! And the thing that struck me the most, you have the power here OP, your behaviour and refusal to toe the line, really pisses him off big style. Keep it up

I'm sorry you have had to receive this. My personal observation is that the letter so strongly reminds me so much of my narcissistic ex who dragged me through the courts for years over child access. The voice, the written style, the emotional manipulation is that same. How upsetting for you. My personal instinct is to get rid of the letter and not try to contact him again. I think people like this relish power and manipulation and the only thing to do for self preservation is to keep away from them and not give them the opportunity to establish power over you. No response to him I would say is there most powerful response - to respond is to suggest that he merits one... which he doesn't. I don't think he merits your time in any way. That more than anything else will outrage him and dismiss his inflated sense of self.

OP have you a relationship with your DM now?

I'm so sorry for what you experienced. You sound really clear & articulated so you've survived & hopefully thrived despite this dreadful man.

Send him this thread as your letter back. That will show him what a TWAT he is.

This is so sad. He is not a nice man or a good parent and never has been. He has spent his whole life treating you like a possession or that exists to please him. He has deprived you of so much and still thinks he can take the moral high ground.

It’s a very different relationship but my sister also has a tendency to write similar letters. The last one she sent, I opened, read the first line and then destroyed. When she mentioned it months later I told her I wasn’t reading them anymore because I didn’t want to make her issues my issues. She was very cross and didn’t speak to me for months but that was 25 years ago and haven’t had another nasty letter since.

Could you do something similar. Send the letter back to him with a short handwritten note saying it was an upsetting letter to receive, you disagree with what he says and it’s probably best if he doesn’t write again. I think there is a lot of emotional power in returning this piece of poison to the person who produced it. Don’t keep it and mull over it. Reject it practically and emotionally.

I’m so sorry he hasn’t been a good dad (understatement). You sound thoughtful and considerate snd deserved better.

He’s treating you like a skip ....l can just imagine how pleased and smug they were with themselves writing this toxic aggressive claptrap. Ignore it. You truly owe him nothing ...

@Monsterpage

Send him this thread as your letter back. That will show him what a TWAT he is.

Brilliant idea. Or just send him a link via his favoured communication mode: email.

Then no more contact.

OP you'll be fine. You're lovely even with this toxic influence xxx

Bloody hell, he's got the gall to end that hate filled diatribe with "love dad"? What a prick.

I would be torn between writing a scathing reply or burning the letter whilst dancing round it. He wants a reaction so the second option it would be. What a nasty man.

Whatever you do (or don't do) he'll interpret it in his own unique way, so don't worry to much about what to write, or not write.

Unless I misread, you've been in touch with him to check address and to send a card. That might be why he's decided to write. You don't have to answer. But if you are going to be in touch occasionally, you need to accept that it is possible he will respond.

Do you want to answer now? You don't have to. I probably would, but it would be a short and breezy 'no news from here either, things seem much the same for you too'.

What do you actually want, in the longer term? Low or no contact? If low, on what sort of pattern?

One has to feel for Patti too.

Definitely cut him loose, horrible man

I have no words, just know that some of us have parents like this and it’s impossible to have a relationship with them.

You might be better off just ‘no contact.’

Sorry you’re going through this.

All I have to add to the consensus is, he does not know you OP: his DD is a fictional character in his own life story, so any views he expresses about you or your personality are NOT about you but about this fantasy character. So try not to let them in to define you.

Your need for a loving father is inbuilt in humans, and I've found the best way through that longing is to acknowledge it and find other loving father figures, and to stop hoping that my real father will be it. You sound wonderful and the loss is on his side here.

Id reply "fuck you, you self absorbed, nasty piece of shit. No wonder none of the family can stand you."

Then ignore any further correspondence from him. I couldn't let him have the last word. (that's what id love to say to my very similar FIL)

Don’t reply OP. See the Father’s Day card as the last thing he will ever receive from you- and it wasn’t a nasty letter, it was a nice card. See that as the last farewell. Don’t sink down to his level by showing anger or telling him to F off- it won’t help you because it will just make him worse and he will then think he has every justification because you are a nasty person (you’re not)
Fold the letter up, put it in a box with other memories and stick it in the loft / garage / far back of a high cupboard.
You do not owe him anything. Remember that. Nothing. Imagine he was some random old man sending you these letters. Do not get tied into the FOG - fear obligation guilt with him.
If he’s going to talk about your mother like that and write nasty letters then he doesn’t deserve to hear about your life, or he asked about his.
Cut him free, don’t respond or have any contact. You will of course think about him a lot but don’t feel you need to respond.

I don't know why you are even worrying about this letter. Personally I would just return it back to sender with "no longer at this address". Then just forget he ever existed, it will make you feel very good!!

I'd reply:

"Hello [name],

I have no interest in having any further relationship with you. Don't contact me again. Goodbye.

From,

DumbestBlonde

PS Best wishes to Patti"

...and then return any more letters from him to sender (unopened).

I also like Callmeadoctor's suggestion of returning letters "Not known at this address". A good suggestion if you want to end contact with him without creating the potential for a blow-up.

That’s awful! I think you would be wasting your breath in any other communication with him. If I was you I’d seek therapy for the damage he’s done. It might help some way to you gaining peace over the situation. Big hugs

OP, I’ve been NC with my dad since I was 13. Best thing I ever did - the man is a complete monster. I’ve had one piece of brief contact with him - he phoned my mum’s house while I was home from university and I answered. He also wrote my mum a very similar letter - all it did was confirm to my mum and sister that I was telling the truth about abuse I disclosed, and none of us have heard from him since.

These days I look him up once a year online to see if he’s dead, as once he’s gone I can be rid of the very small fear that I might get a letter or call like this out of the blue.

Don’t contact him. Shred any future letters unread. The man is a vampire, feeding off the distress he deliberately causes you. Nothing good can come of ever having any contact with him again.

One day, when he’s dying and probably alone, he may change his tune. And you can take pleasure in telling him to go fuck himself. I’m not like this at all with anyone else, but there is a special place in hell for those who treat their own children this way.

There’s no point in you persevering with this “relationship”, OP, it will only make you miserable.
Reply with this point, using his turn of phrase, and accusing him of wallowing in his own perceived victim-hood.
Add details about the paucity of your previous attempts to contact him and remind him that actually, his claims are untrue. Enquire if he’s sure he is quite ok in the memory department, and add you’re sorry he feels that way about your Mum. Express disappointment that there isn’t a male equivalent to the epithet he used, but point out that you can rearrange the words “pot”, “kettle”, “black” and “calling” as an alternative.
Tell him that maybe he should, indeed, call it a day, as you’re no longer interested in reading long-winded, badly-executed, whinging narcissistic prose from a man who left your mother and effectively abandoned you, showing scant interest in your life thereafter, returning only at brief intervals to complain about your behaviour.
Inform him that since he’s made it clear over the years that he doesn’t really like you, there is no benefit to either of you in keeping up this charade of a relationship, especially since your side has, as you now see, been driven by a misplaced sense of filial duty, which, since it’s clearly no longer wanted, will be a relief to all parties.
Finish by hoping that he will have a long and happy life, having not managed to drive away others by his narcissistic behaviour, sense of entitlement and general nastiness, and reiterate that you want no further contact.
I wish you well, OP, and hope that cutting this toxic relationship will make you happier.

Ugh - what an wholly unpleasant creature.
Don’t beat yourself up about sending the card to him, it only shows that you’re actually a better person than him. And because you are, I think (like pretty much everyone else here) you should completely cut contact and get plenty of therapy to move yourself forward.
Who the hell writes to his daughter calling her mother a slag! My mouth dropped open when i read that! He thinks he’s very clever and articulate (it oozes off the page) when he’s really just nasty and self obsessed.
Free yourself from this shitty arsehole.
You’re better than him. He doesn’t deserve to call himself your father.