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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move back in with my abuser?

303 replies

Gograce · 17/06/2021 21:20

Hear me out. I know on paper the answer is a clear as day no. But I genuinely have no where to go. In less than a weeks time the home I'm living in will be sold. I have no family that can take me and Support me financially. I'm unemployed with a 5 month baby. Before all of this I was living on/off with my partner and receiving uc. If I was to live with my family they would consider their wages and deduct my uc meaning I wouldnt be able to contribute to rent hence why they cant afford to take me. If I live on my own I've been told I can be put in a hostel far away and the last thing I want when feeling so fragile is to be isolated from my family. I've barely seen them since the pandemic as it is. No i dont want to live in a refuge either. My partner isnt a threat or aggressive, he has been sexually abusive. So is my only option is to move back with him? He wants us all back as a happy family. And I dont have the energy to stress anymore. I want to be able to unpack and finally settle someone. My baby and I deserve a home...

OP posts:
Welikebeingcosy · 18/06/2021 10:11

You don't have to tell the council anything about your situation with your ex. Just tell them your parents are moving and kicking you out and that you're a lone parent. They never asked me about my DD's dad when I presented as homeless. You'll be fine I promise. No one ever turns around and says oh I wish I'd never gotten out of an abusive relationship gone to the council and been rehoused.

IDontReadEyebrows · 18/06/2021 10:13

@Gograce

I cant do it. Once I make it real that its. Once i tell someone there is no going back to our normal lives. Once I'm in a refuge I'll be all on my own
It’s scary, I get it but you will be ok if you go to a refuge, they will help you, they will signpost you to other people and organisations that can help you too. You will be free of him. The unknown is scary but is it really more scary as going back to someone who you know will abuse you and hurt you? Who might hurt your child at some point? Talk to women’s aid again tell them what is putting you off. Talk to people on here about refuges and their experiences.
Confusedandshaken · 18/06/2021 10:13

@Gograce

My parents cannot afford to house me. I would need to contribute to the rent and as I said I wouldnt get anything for rent living with family. My parents genuinely dont have the money despite their jobs. If they would they could. Living off 600 is not enough to cover both cost of our living whilst paying for food whilst paying for Bill's and rent. For the price of apartments at the moment I would at least need 500 to put on the table. I may consider a refuge I'm just really sceptical about that lifestyle and being alone without my family
A refuge is safe and temporary. Going back to your abuser is unsafe.

Don't think because your DC is only 5 months old and non-verbal that they won't be damaged by an abusive environment. They are emotional sponges. If they live in a reasonably content, loving home they will soak up love and learn how to recover from disagreements even before they can talk. If they are living in a house of abuse, fear and resentment they will soak that up too.

If you won't go to the refuge, a place of safety and a new beginning, for your own sake, do it for your child's.

Nanny0gg · 18/06/2021 10:15

@Gograce

I cant do it. Once I make it real that its. Once i tell someone there is no going back to our normal lives. Once I'm in a refuge I'll be all on my own
You won't be on your own, you'll have support from women who understand.

That man won't change and chances are it'll get worse.

Your family clearly aren't supportive. Go to people who are

Closetbeanmuncher · 18/06/2021 10:16

my only option is to move back with him? He wants us all back as a happy family

A happy family can't happen with an abusive partner.

I want to be able to unpack and finally settle someone

Then take the first steps and go into a refuge/hostel. If you go back you'll be back at square one in that same cycle.

The right path is not always the easiest. Do what's right for yourself and your child, not what is easier.

Nanny0gg · 18/06/2021 10:18

@Gograce

I cant do it. Once I make it real that its. Once i tell someone there is no going back to our normal lives. Once I'm in a refuge I'll be all on my own
It IS real.

He's an abuser and a rapist.
You can't hide from that

Original poster
Gograce · 18/06/2021 10:19

@Welikebeingcosy but if I dont explain the situation wont the council take my baby to their dads because they see his place as feasible and that means dc wont be homeless? I don't want that to happen

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 18/06/2021 10:22

My DM used to be a manager of a refuge and I can honestly say you'll be made welcome and will receive plenty of support. There will be other women in similar situations and you could well find they will be supportive too. Why not give it a try? I know it's not what you would have wanted but it's got to be better than moving back in with an abuser. You will just be giving him a green light to do whatever he wants, he'll know you won't go anywhere else. All the best OP

MustardRose · 18/06/2021 10:23

The property where your abuser lives - does he own it, do you own it jointly, or is it rented and in whose name(s)?

Tal45 · 18/06/2021 10:24

Can you not just go to the council with your baby, say you live with your parents but they are splitting up, the house is being sold you've been kicked out and have nowhere to go? They have to put you in emergency accommodation don't they? Say the dad isn't in the picture.

CantEnjoySummer · 18/06/2021 10:25

You need to put your baby's welfare before your own concern about what you think life in a refuge will be.

The truth is you and your child will be much much safer in a refuge and get help and support.

Walking back into life with an abuser with a child is a terrible idea.

Original poster
Gograce · 18/06/2021 10:27

What's the difference between a refuge and an emergency accommodation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gograce · 18/06/2021 10:28

Which would be best approach womans aid or approach the council

OP posts:
Original poster
Gograce · 18/06/2021 10:28

Does both options eventually lead to private renting?

OP posts:
PrincessNymeria · 18/06/2021 10:33

If they ask about dd's dad, you could always just say he was abusive, and you would rather not say any more than that, as you find it difficult to discuss.

witheringrowan · 18/06/2021 10:33

I would speak to Women's Aid or Refuge first, they will be able to help you navigate the process of applying to the council to help. Your ability to ultimately get council housing will depend on waiting lists in your area, but you'd be classed as unintentionally homeless and with a dependent child, so should be high up on any priority list. It will seem overwhelming at the moment, but this is the best way to secure long term stability for you and your child.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 18/06/2021 10:35

@Gograce

Can I leave at any time if I dont like it?
I'm trying to phrase this kindly, does it matter if you 'don't like it?' Isn't it better than living with an abuser?
NameyNameyNameChangey · 18/06/2021 10:35

Gograce those questions are pretty area dependent. The council has a responsibility to home you and your child. It may or may not be council housing.
Refuge will help you find permanent accommodation. It may or may not be social or private renting.
But either option is surely better than being dependent on an abuser for a home for you and your child.

IDontReadEyebrows · 18/06/2021 10:36

@Gograce

What's the difference between a refuge and an emergency accommodation?
A refuge is staffed by people (all women) who are trained and have a lot of experience assisting those who have been through the trauma of abuse. How long you stay is entirely dependent on your situation and housing needs. The address needs to be kept secret to protect those living there. It will only have women and children living there. The one I was in we all had our own bathrooms and fridge freezers in our rooms and we shared the kitchens. There were no rules about staying out, however you needed to let the night staff know you wouldn’t be home back that night or they would report you missing to the police if you didn’t return and they couldn’t get hold of you.

Emergency accommodation can vary massively. My sister lived in one for a while that wasn’t staffed although there was a phone number for someone on call to ring in emergencies. There was a mixture of people living there- single mums, couples with kids, couples without kids etc.

These places do vary however. I know another person who was put up in a travelodge instead of a hostel until they found a permanent home.

PrincessNymeria · 18/06/2021 10:36

I think emergencey accommodation is for anyone who finds themselves needing it, refuges are for woman escaping from abuse?

witheringrowan · 18/06/2021 10:37

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/emergency_housing_from_the_council This explains a little more about emergency accommodation - you should not be given a B&B place because you have a baby, they have to try to provide self contained accommodation. The benefit of a refuge over emergency accommodation is that you are likely to have more access to support for applying for benefits, and have a key worker for emotional support.

NameyNameyNameChangey · 18/06/2021 10:39

[quote Gograce]@Welikebeingcosy but if I dont explain the situation wont the council take my baby to their dads because they see his place as feasible and that means dc wont be homeless? I don't want that to happen[/quote]
The council has no rights to take your child anywhere.
If, in the extreme situation they would get social services involved, just tell them the truth. They have a duty to ensure the welfare of your child, and won't just hand her over to an abuser.
None of us could possibly tell you what might happen in a hundred scenarios. You will have to take a bit of a blind leap, but in a years time, you should be able to look back and know you made the right steps now.
Good luck x

IDontReadEyebrows · 18/06/2021 10:40

You can leave a refuge at any time. They will try to convince you to stay because it is their job to keep you safe. If you still want to leave they will try to implement a safety plan for you. They can rarely if ever, keep your place open for you if you want to come back as there’s often waiting lists for a place. If you have children they can and do report to social services if you return to your abuser because they have a responsibility to protect your children.

L0bstersLass · 18/06/2021 10:40

@Gograce

What's the difference between a refuge and an emergency accommodation?
Good question. A refuge is staffed by women who are trained to support people who have suffered abuse. They'll be able to help you identify sources of support that are available to you and to advise you on how to go about talking with the council about getting your own place.

Emergency accommodation doesn't always have staff or anyone there to provide information or support, but it is a roof over your head.

Welikebeingcosy · 18/06/2021 10:43

No they won't take your DD to her dad's. It's nothing to do with the council who your daughter should live with. Having a dependent baby just makes you more of a priority to be housed quicker by the council.

A refuge is a place of safety for women getting away from domestic violence or sexual abuse where no one knows it's a refuge and there's CCTV on the doors and there will be people there to help you get housed and other resources you might need such as therapy. You'll have your own room with a little kitchen and there'll be some shared areas (usually) for you to meet other mums and children in similar situations.

Temporary accomodation is when the council put you into one of their own accomodations such as a small studio flat or a hotel room whilst they find you a private rented place on a permanent basis.

I was in temporary accomodation with my six month old DD, for less then two months before I was able to move into a council house with my daughter.