To move back in with my abuser?

[Gograce]

Hear me out. I know on paper the answer is a clear as day no. But I genuinely have no where to go. In less than a weeks time the home I'm living in will be sold. I have no family that can take me and Support me financially. I'm unemployed with a 5 month baby. Before all of this I was living on/off with my partner and receiving uc. If I was to live with my family they would consider their wages and deduct my uc meaning I wouldnt be able to contribute to rent hence why they cant afford to take me. If I live on my own I've been told I can be put in a hostel far away and the last thing I want when feeling so fragile is to be isolated from my family. I've barely seen them since the pandemic as it is. No i dont want to live in a refuge either. My partner isnt a threat or aggressive, he has been sexually abusive. So is my only option is to move back with him? He wants us all back as a happy family. And I dont have the energy to stress anymore. I want to be able to unpack and finally settle someone. My baby and I deserve a home...

Going back is not safe. For you or baby.

Ignore your sister’s ignorant remarks about your situation, you have done nothing wrong in fact you have taken a step towards a brighter future for yourself and your child.
Please know that you have equal right to be heard and sit tight for now. Contact women’s aid and consider refuge.

Please don't move back in with him. He'll see this as a green light to ramp up the abuse, because now he knows you'll tolerate it/keep coming back. It may take a while, but things will eventually be worse than they were before. If things escalate to domestic violence, and one of the neighbours etc reports what's going on, you could have your dd removed from you. Even if that doesn't happen, your dd will at least pick up on how dysfunctional your relationship is, and either think it's normal, and go on to have similar relationships herself, or she'll be disgusted with you, for exposing her to it, and want nothing to do with you for not protecting her. She'll barely remember living in a refuge or hostel, but if she sees him hurt you, or hears him raping you from another room, that trauma could stick with her. If you decide to leave further down the line, you'll be back to square one anyone, only a lot more emotionally damaged than you are now, and it'll seem even more daunting, because you'll have to break up with him etc all over again.

You should bite the bullet now, take the leap and make a happy life for you and your dd, without your abusive ex, and unsupportive family. You'll be much happier in a refuge, with you and your dd able to live your lives in peace, without fear or abuse.

I know being alone is scary, it really is especially with a baby but many women survive it and you will too. A refuge may be your only solution for now because living with an abuser isn’t an option. Remove that from your mind all together, you don’t deserve to be abused and you shouldn’t have to deal with that- nobody should. You’re worthy of more and you want your baby to have the best life ever, they’re not going to get that in an abusive household. The refuge is just a stopgap, they will help you find permanent housing.

@Gograce

I cant do it. Once I make it real that its. Once i tell someone there is no going back to our normal lives. Once I'm in a refuge I'll be all on my own

Once in a refuge you’ll be on your own, yes. FREE OF HIM. All change is frightening, and a step into the unknown is terrifying. But surely not more terrifying than the life you’ve been living? You have to make it real, shout from the rooftops that he’s an abuser, bring it out into the sunlight where you can be supported and he can be shamed. You have done nothing wrong, and so far all your actions have been to make your baby safe. Don’t undo all the good now.

www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/our-services/refuges/

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Chat-to-us-online

Please talk to them just to get a better idea of what going to a refuge would be like.

If I was to go the council would I have to explain what happened and why I cant go back

Then if that's what you need to do, that's what you need to do for you and your DC. It might be unpleasant but it's what you need to do to get a home. So you grit your teeth and do it.

Or better still, the refuge.

There is help available, you just have to take it. So you have a bit of a boring/annoying afternoon at the council offices-big woops. Then it'll be sorted to some extent, they will give you help of some kind.

Or, you get a refuge place sorted and you go there.

You say family can't help you, so you'll have to access other services.

If you can't be arsed then no-one can help you. I suppose people often leave several times before they leave for good.

Do you suffer from anxiety or some other MH issues and are you getting treatment for it? If so, you could see your doctor/consultant, hopefully they can consider other treatments/meds so you feel more able to do what you need to do.

You could still start organizing the refuge place now, or go to the council offices whenever.

If you go back it's so much harder to organize something though. And imagine how he will treat you.

You have nothing to lose by trying a refuge. They give specialist support and help you move on into a home of your own. You will have your own money and own door safe from everyone.

Can I leave at any time if I dont like it?

Once i tell someone there is no going back to our normal lives.

That's a good thing though @Gograce .

Once I'm in a refuge I'll be all on my own

Yes, no-one will be abusing you. Sounds good to me.

@Gograce

I cant do it. Once I make it real that its. Once i tell someone there is no going back to our normal lives. Once I'm in a refuge I'll be all on my own

But it is real. And you're own your own now. You won't be on your own in the refuge as there will be professionals there to support you. To give a shit about what's happened to you.

It's the advice you've had from Women's Aid and I think you should follow it.
The man you're considering moving back in with is a known danger. Do not expose yourself or your child to this danger.

Sorry it’s all feeling shit right now. Life does that, it has shit bits but now I have clocked up over half a century I have learned that you just have to keep going through them, during the bad bits just focus on the next 5 minutes and then the next for a bit.

Basically you don’t usually regret the things you tried longterm, it’s the things you don’t try . I think everyone on this thread can see that you will regret it if you don’t report yourself homeless to the council or go to a refuge. If you are honest with yourself you know it too, it’s just doing it probably feels too much right now.

If you go back what is the message you are sending your abuser ? It’s that he can do what he wants to you and there will be no repercussions, you won’t leave. How do you think that will work for you in the future?

Imagine your child being in this position in the future, what would you want them to do ? Go back to be abused or dig deep, be brave and go through something they don’t want to for a bit for a much happier life longterm?

Ultimately it is your decision, you are are a crossroads - which way do you go and what do you think your future you and your child will say to you about the decision you make now?

But you won't be on your own in a refuge. You'll be with other women who've been through what you've been through.

Back in the house with an abuser you are more on your own than ever! He's not a partner to you. And if you go back now youve basically let him know he can treat you how you like.

Your family are being awful. Absolutely shameful. I would be physically barricading you in if I thought you were going back to your abuser.

Yes, you'd need to tell the various authorities what has happened, that's how they can keep you safe.

@Gograce

Can I leave at any time if I dont like it?

of course, it's not a prison, its a safe place to stay whilst the council find you a permanent place to stay

[quote Gograce]**@AliceLivesHere* @IDontReadEyebrows* how would they know? Why would they take my baby? I havent reported the incident and it only affects me.[/quote]
You are being very naive if you think the consequences stop with you. Your baby is totally dependent on you. Physical and emotional abuse affecting you has a knock on effect on their wellbeing and will become normalised if you stay. You may believe it is sexual atm but I'd bet there is more going on. Coercive control for example. You don't need to go into detail with the council but any reports will help.

Of course you can leave a refuge at any time, but it'd be better to stay until they help you safely start your own life and find your own home. It might take a bit of getting used to, but it's worth it.

Going into a refuge is a welcoming, temporary space to access support while you plan next steps. It’s not a forever thing, it is a chance for a new beginning

I don’t blame you feeling worried about the refuge, yet, although many are just as terrified as you , when they get there they find it is the right step, and the support is such a welcome relief.

It's already real .

Going back won't change that.

Look. If you want to go back, knowing what you're going back into, that's your choice. You are an adult and you have the right to decide that being sexually abused is better than being a single parent and temporarily living in a refuge until you get help to be housed - that's up to you. I don't agree and neither does any other poster on this thread but that doesn't matter. You have the right to choose what life you prefer. They're both crap options. Choose your pile of shit basically.

But it's not just you is it?. Where you go, you take your child. The life you choose is the life your child has no power to reject. Your baby can't say look mum, this is terrifying and is harming me, I'm going to toddle off into foster care, see you around...

You have to ask yourself will your child have a better life with dad abusing mum and mum being absolutely destroyed by it or will your child have a better life with some time in a refuge that they can't even remember, followed by a stable life with a mum who is not being abused?

Of course it's scary. It's beyond scary. But the devil you know is no less scary.

You don't have to tell the council etc. About anything yet if you go to the refuge.

Go there, let the dust settle. Access all the support on offer and go forward from there

@Gograce

Can I leave at any time if I dont like it?

Yes, absolutely you can.

Another thing to consider is that at the moment your baby is incredibly portable and totally oblivious to the fact she's in a hostel, or a grandparent's floor, a caravan.

It'll be harder in years to come when you eventually leave and your child is having to change schools, lose friends, notices the mangy temporary accommodation etc. This is a good time to make the change

@Gograce

I cant do it. Once I make it real that its. Once i tell someone there is no going back to our normal lives. Once I'm in a refuge I'll be all on my own

You seem to be all alone now. At least you will be safe in a refuge centre. It’s disgusting that your parents do not care about their daughter and grandchild. That they want you both to live with a rapist. As I said before, why do your parents need rent from you when they’re paying a set price anyway? An extra person will not increase the rent. You could offer to contribute to gas and water (not much money) and food. Your parents and sister sound awful.

@Gograce Oh love. You poor thing. Please, please see that this can get better, though it won’t if you go back.

You can move in with a family member and still get the full amount of uc you’re entitled to. I had to move into my parents, after being made homeless, and I still got full benefits as a single parent as my parents weren’t financially supporting me. It was only for a few months, until I got back on my feet, but it was a huge help to me. I’m now in my own place and back working full time.

You can do it on your own, please don’t go back to your abuser. It’ll be awful for you, not to mention how it looks to ss if you willingly go back to an abusive man.

If you can't do it for you, do it for your daughter. Don't bring her up living with a rapist. Don't let her be traumatised by living with an abuser. Don't let her think that this is how relationships work - children learn relationships from their homelife, you will increase the likelihood of her being in an abusive realationship in future years.

Don't risk losing her by moving in with your abuser.

You CAN do this. You are a mother and we can do anything! It will be new and difficult - less difficult than living with an abuser though. Your DD will remember none of this. A shelter will give you both the new start you deserve. She deserves a safe and happy mum, not living with a rapist. You deserve safety and security and a refuge will help you get it.

@Gograce

You won't be in a hostel forever, you'll eventually be rehoused with your DC, and things will get better for you.

Do not make the mistake of thinking that moving back with your abuser will make your life anything except worse!

He will waste no time in reasserting his control over you, and next time it might be your baby he hurts. You would never forgive yourself.

You need the help that will be provided when you move to a shelter/hostel. It won't be the Ritz, but you and your DC will be safe and alive and you will both have the chance to build a happy and fulfilling life together, free from fear, anger, sexual abuse and the daily stress of never knowing when it will happen again, which is priceless !

You are at your lowest ebb right now, but you will feel better, provided you stay away from your abuser.