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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move back in with my abuser?

303 replies

Gograce · 17/06/2021 21:20

Hear me out. I know on paper the answer is a clear as day no. But I genuinely have no where to go. In less than a weeks time the home I'm living in will be sold. I have no family that can take me and Support me financially. I'm unemployed with a 5 month baby. Before all of this I was living on/off with my partner and receiving uc. If I was to live with my family they would consider their wages and deduct my uc meaning I wouldnt be able to contribute to rent hence why they cant afford to take me. If I live on my own I've been told I can be put in a hostel far away and the last thing I want when feeling so fragile is to be isolated from my family. I've barely seen them since the pandemic as it is. No i dont want to live in a refuge either. My partner isnt a threat or aggressive, he has been sexually abusive. So is my only option is to move back with him? He wants us all back as a happy family. And I dont have the energy to stress anymore. I want to be able to unpack and finally settle someone. My baby and I deserve a home...

OP posts:
starryskylark · 18/06/2021 13:24

You left due to abuse. It was bad enough to make you leave. What if he starts doing it in-front of your child.

Go to a refuge honestly they will help you get a home. It's a scary next step, but leaving was the hardest thing. Don't go back. You're parents can't help at the moment, don't stick around your ex, make your own way. You can do this. MN will cheer you on and support you.

L0bstersLass · 18/06/2021 13:54

@Gograce

Which would be best approach womans aid or approach the council
Why not contact Women's Aid and get some advice? chat.womensaid.org.uk/ Current wait time is 25 minutes.

You'll have a better idea of what your options are and they can help you.

Original poster
Gograce · 18/06/2021 14:27

I've contacted womans aid and have a few numbers for refuges with vacancies. But they are all so far. Like half way up the country far.

OP posts:
Graphista · 18/06/2021 14:36

Op why haven't you called shelter? They could also be extremely helpful

Being far away from your abuser and your unsupportive family seems a really good idea to me!

Give you some breathing space to get your head straight and practical support too

Can't hurt to at least try it (and give it a proper try not give up in the first week or so!)

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 18/06/2021 14:40

@Gograce

I've contacted womans aid and have a few numbers for refuges with vacancies. But they are all so far. Like half way up the country far.
But think of all that lovely distance between you and your baby, and the man who has been abusing you in your home, which should have been your safe place. Go and find a new safe place where you can breathe deeply and sleep soundly without fear. Your family sound like dreadful people, they aren’t supportive, so being away from them will be no loss to you.

There are people out there who will help and support you, and give you a chance to really live. You deserve all the help on offer, and you are worth every bit of the effort, despite anything he has tried to teach you. Believe in the strong person you have been to make the move you have done. You are amazing.

L0bstersLass · 18/06/2021 14:41

@Gograce

I've contacted womans aid and have a few numbers for refuges with vacancies. But they are all so far. Like half way up the country far.
It's good that you've got the numbers. Well done for taking the first step.

You won't be in the refuge forever, it's only until they've managed to support you to get house where you want to be.

Do any of them sound like they're in a nice place? Not that it really matters if they're in a nice place, it's being safe and supported that's most important. But that may help you pick one.

Maybe pick one that easier to travel to?

Do any of the locations sound do-able to you?

Original poster
Gograce · 18/06/2021 14:43

@L0bstersLass without going into too much detail one is by the sea. It sounds quite nice

OP posts:
Original poster
Gograce · 18/06/2021 14:44

I'm just so aware my family will miss out on crucial developmental months with my little one. They grow up so fast. They've hardly seen dc because of lockdown as it is. To be so far and out of everyones reach is crazy to me

OP posts:
Lovenahla · 18/06/2021 14:45

I was in a refuge for about 8 months it isn’t that bad

LIZS · 18/06/2021 14:45

But it would not necessarily be long term, family could visit.

GoldenBlue · 18/06/2021 14:45

[quote Gograce]@L0bstersLass without going into too much detail one is by the sea. It sounds quite nice[/quote]
That sounds positive Gograce, I'm glad you can see a positive

I have friends who live by the sea and it is wonderful place for them bringing up children, popping to the beach after school etc.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 18/06/2021 14:47

@Gograce

I'm just so aware my family will miss out on crucial developmental months with my little one. They grow up so fast. They've hardly seen dc because of lockdown as it is. To be so far and out of everyones reach is crazy to me
To be frank, your family don’t deserve to be involved in your child’s development given they have effectively thrown you out today. Numerous posters here have demonstrated to you that having you live with them would have cost them nothing more than you’d be able to make up with your own benefits, yet they have made you homeless and risked you both going back into danger. Don’t you feel that your child deserves better?
Lockdownbear · 18/06/2021 14:48

Is there one with better transport links to where you currently are?

L0bstersLass · 18/06/2021 14:50

[quote Gograce]@L0bstersLass without going into too much detail one is by the sea. It sounds quite nice[/quote]
Definitely don't go into any more detail.
By the sea sounds lovely. I grew up by the sea and it was wonderful.

Rather than thinking of it as moving their permanently, try to think of it as a short break to help you get the support you need to find a good place to live.

Do you think you could give them a call to find out what the next steps would be?
You don't have to take the steps, but I think it would be useful to find out what they are.

You're doing great!

sbhydrogen · 18/06/2021 14:51

Head to a refuge, even if it's halfway across the country! It's only a temporary thing, and moving back in with a sexual abuser is NOT the kind of upbringing you want for your baby, let alone for you.

You'll make friends at the refuge before too long, they can be your support until you can figure out what to do. Although it seems that your family will miss out on baby's development, in reality they won't and there will be no issues with bonding in time.

Welikebeingcosy · 18/06/2021 14:58

If your family really wanted to be a part of seeing your DD's milestones they would visit! I wouldn't put them as your priority because they aren't making you theirs. You need to stop worrying about other people who don't show any concern for you and do what is best for your little girl. She isn't gonna remember in ten years if her grandparents saw her first step, neither is she going to care. But she will already be forming her memories of what safety feels like and she needs her mummy to be safe and comfortable as she will pick up on anything that happens to you.

TheGumption · 18/06/2021 15:02

I don't really understand why your family are even a consideration in this when they're not any support to you.

CleanQueen123 · 18/06/2021 15:06

Well done on making those calls Flowers

I know the current vacancies are far away but take one. It may be possible for you to move to a refuge closer to your family at a later date, if it's safe to do that. But right now, distance is the very best thing you can do.

One of the refuges I used to work at was coastal in a lovely place and fantastic schools. Quite a few of the women who came chose to settle in the local area permanently once they left refuge.

I know it seems really scary now but you're building a whole new life for yourself and your daughter which will be free from abuse.

FrankieDoyle · 18/06/2021 15:12

OP

Your family can visit.
It's TEMPORARY.

View it as the first step to reclaiming your life and your freedom.. For your child as well .

DO NOT GO BACK.

Closetbeanmuncher · 18/06/2021 15:56

I really do hope you have the balls to do this, it will change your life!

Original poster
Gograce · 18/06/2021 16:07

I am going to do this. I will be calling the number tomorrow. Will I have ti commit there or then or is there a process?

OP posts:
L0bstersLass · 18/06/2021 16:18

@Gograce

I am going to do this. I will be calling the number tomorrow. Will I have ti commit there or then or is there a process?
I wish I knew the answer, I don't know.

Why not give them a call today? They'll be best placed to tell you how it all works. I'm sure they'll have plenty of experience of dealing with women that are undecided and that they'll be kind.

I'm so pleased you're going to give them a call. Think of it as taking control of the rest of your life.

Original poster
Gograce · 18/06/2021 16:29

Can you believe that he still thinks he is a good dad and has rang me crying saying how depressed he is over all of this! I'm at a loss for words....

OP posts:
CleanQueen123 · 18/06/2021 16:31

Call them today and get the ball rolling. They'll need to go through some questions with you on the phone before they can accept you so the sooner you start, the better.

CleanQueen123 · 18/06/2021 16:31

And block his number!